I contemplated posting on a big platform but I have no one to go to. I almost posted this last week when I made this burner account but backed out of it immediately. I don’t know what to do. I feel like asking for advice is pointless but I need to rant and scream. I’ve been talking to several attorneys and I’m screwed.
I live in California for starters. Both late 30s. Married 11 years. We have a 4 year old. I didn’t know this was a thing but after burning so much of money talking to several attorneys just to get the same feedback. Long story short, California law says I’m the presumed father and since it’s been more than 2 years of child’s birth it’s too late to challenge paternity. I have DNA evidence this child is not mine but if I divorce her over this I’ll still be required to pay child support for a child that isn’t even biologically mine. It’s such a messed up situation. If anything my wife owes me money for ruining my life.
One of attorneys thought it was a joking matter and joked that this is why you never get legally married to a woman and how I should have got the DNA test sooner. I didn’t know my wife cheated on me. It’s a very long story how we got to the point where I had to get a paternity test. Either way the court does not care if the wife cheated.
I’m so stressed. We bought a house and the interest rates are insane. The mortgage is killing me already. My wife screwed up my credit score. If I file for divorce, I can’t afford to pay support and find a new place to live. I’ll be homeless. I don’t have a good support system and I don’t want anyone to bum off of or lean on at this difficult moment. Sure I have some close friends but they have families and children of their own.
My first instinct after finding out my wife cheated on me is wanting to leave her immediately. I can’t ever be with a woman who cheated on me. It’s a slap on the face to stay with a woman that cheated on you. It’s the worst thing she could ever do. I hate her. I hate that she put me in this situation. It’s either stay and keep my house and my money or leave her and become homeless and legally be required to pay both spousal support and child support to my wife.
I don’t love the child I thought was mine anymore. I stopped pulling my weight in the house. My wife is a married single mom. This isn’t my child and I refuse to help out physically. I already am obligated either way to provide for a child that isn’t mine financially. There was a donut and dad’s event at preschool and I refused to go and her child is upset that I didn’t go because the mom went to the muffins and moms event on Thursday and then they had the dads event the following week. I’m not anyone’s dad. The child doesn’t know exactly what’s going on and is mostly confused when I say I’m not their father and how their mother is a liar. My wife got mad when I said that to her child and threw her boots at the back of my head and told me to go to hell. Then she told the child not to listen to me and I’m just crazy. My wife told me to grow up and I need to shape up or else she will make my life a living hell. I’m already in hell. I’m stuck with a whore for a wife and a child that isn’t even mine.
My wife is dead to me. I’m only married to her legally on paper. I’m going to treat her like shit. I’m going to have relations with other women and rub that in her face. She’s more emotional than physical. I remember she freaked out when I liked another woman’s photo on social media and made a huge fuss about that. For her if I gave another woman my time, money, attention, and the “gf treatment” thats much worse to her than me having a one night stand. I’m gonna do both though.
I wish I didn’t take that test but I had to know if it was true.
I’m heartbroken, I feel humiliated, and I’m trapped. I feel like the only way out is driving over a bridge.
EDIT: there are legal issues with me just leaving the country. You can’t just run away from a situation like this and start over and expect there to be no consequences for abandonment. Not to mention you can’t just become a citizen just like that in a random country. That isn’t a logical solution and this is NOT an option. Also the women on this sub are mad suggesting I stay and be a father to a child that isn’t even mine, haha that’s not happening. I’ll probably have to stay legally married due to the messed up laws in California but by no means does that mean I’ll be a husband and father by heart.
Comments
Leave the country lol
Literally pack your stuff and leave. No paperwork no nothing just go somewhere nice, live your life in peace. Tell the kid it’s not your fault you are leaving and it’s enough. Don’t pay anything don’t do anything except go. Now.
You need to track down the real father. That’s about your only recourse to shift financial responsibility. Even then in California it’s 50/50 but really your only chance.
Also, save money but don’t tell anyone
Im sorry to hear that.
This is my worst nightmare.
If it happend to me, i would leave in an instant, and i would take no part of anything.
Dont care who say im a father, dont care who tells me i cant,
Probably alot easyer to say than do, but man, to me, i dont think i can think of anything worse than this.
Im sorry 🙁
Please at least be nice to the little girl. She might not mean anything to you anymore, but you’re her daddy and she loves you.
Don’t do or say anything to the child that would purposely hurt them. They are the only completely innocent one in this clusterfuck of a situation. But leave, now. Staying and acting out the petty and vindictive things you talk about will hurt you in the end the most by not allowing you to heal. And, in the end, divorce will happen whether by your hand or hers. The longer you stay the more it will cost you financially. As the others have said – leave, move away, and start fresh. The sooner you do the sooner you can find your path to happiness.
As a side note – as a woman I am behind mandatory DNA tests at birth. I’ve seen the destruction the cheating and lies can cause for the adults and, even more so, the children.
Yep. Leave the country. Take all the money and go. Not like she deserves any of it. Let the system who favors her take care of her.
Shes clearly able to find a bed besides yours.
Stop abusing this child. To them, you are the only dad they know and as an adult in their lives you need to step up and take care of them in this situation as best they can. It’s not their fault how they came into the world and they don’t deserve to be mistreated.
Talk to your friends. They may be able to help you figure something out. Sell your house.
It’s going to be better to move out and be in a precarious situation for a bit than to stay in this living situation.
If your gonna be homeless do it somewhere nice. Pack up and leave that fucking state in the dead of night. Don’t look back
Be mad at the mom, but don’t take your anger out on the innocent child. The child did not ask for any of this. The blame lies 100% with your wife.
Leave the house and speak to an attorney. Don’t mistreat the child. You may have to pay child support, if so that’s a small price to pay to get your sanity back. The rest have solutions even if not idea. Sell the house, file for divorce, you have dna proof your wife cheated, a good attorney should give you options. But get away from your wife before your situation gets more abusive.
I’m sorry you are going through this. Sell the house. If your wife hits you again call the police and press charges. Have her arrested. Once the house sells move to another country. Start researching now where to go and start planning.
That child did nothing to you for you to suddenly hate it. You are in a tough spot but don’t make it worse for the child. I’m not saying to stay with the mom. Just try to be a dad to the child.
Parenthood is about love not biology.
Hate your wife as much as you want. But the kid is 4 and doesn’t know any better. Try to see this through her eyes for a moment.
I think that’s terrible, and you should seek therapy, but I really feel for the child who is 4 and who had a Dad who presumably loved them and suddenly doesn’t. If you can’t treat that child with decency, then honestly, leave the country because they don’t deserve that, and then another life would be destroyed
It’s really hard to feel sympathy when you’re taking it all out on a little child that loves you.
Get a job that Involves you being gone all the time like trucking and save money in a separate account
Just leave, dude. Make your absence the extent of the pain you inflict on that child; I wouldn’t even do that, if it were me (it’s not the little one’s fault), but that’s better than you inflicting cruel words on that child. Just leave.
You have my deepest sympathy, I know it doesn’t help you but man, that’s awful
If I were you I’d move out of state and get a restraining order against her. What the fuck even are those child support laws???
Ok I’m with you with the hate you bear your wife. Understandable. But wow what kind of scum can just turn off feelings for a child they raised as their own for 4 years? You don’t love the child anymore? You go -out of your way- to hurt an innocent child. You seem almost glad that the poor kid is sad and confused. That makes you a pos. Sympathy disengaged.
Look, I get this is upsetting.
But please remember the CHILD is innocent-and knows YOU as dad. In the ways that matter you have been there for this child. I say this from the perspective of someone who found out later in life that my dad is NOT my bio dad.
It’s okay to be angry. It’s ok to feel shattered. But right now you are acting out, and it’s counterproductive. Take a breath. Go see a counselor to work this out. If not for you, for the innocent that doesn’t understand what is going on.
No one is saying you have to stay married. But before you make ANY decisions, you need to get your head straight before you make things even worse than they are.
I am truly sorry you are going through this.
I’m very much in your favor, but I have some advice.
Don’t take it out on the child, for several reasons: he’s not to blame for his mother’s or even yours’ bad decisions. Besides, you’re his male figure now, and you’re ultimately the one he wants.
So don’t hurt him. Besides, if it’s proven in court that you’re mean to him, it could go very badly for you.
Just leave, without a trace…
I’m sorry for the shit your wife left you and also for the damn justice system.
Everyone upvote this for OP’s sake: OP, the lawyers you spoke to are mistaken. You must challenge paternity within two years of the discovery of the facts that led you believe the child is not yours- not two years within the date of birth. Get a lawyer and file!
don’t say shit to kid man, just say you’re a family friend atp. Say their mom is a single mom but don’t be a dick to the kid
Maybe convince yourself the kid is a neighborhood kid that needs a friend? Idk man just don’t hurt the kid. This is JUST as jarring and traumatic for her, she didn’t know either and you’re both in this mess with your wife. If anything she’s your only friend in this situation
This is crazy work. Every other thread where the man cheats it’s a public crucifixion.
Stash away your money as you can. Be nice to the child. Find a good lawyer.
You hold no responsibility to the mother, but it’s an unfortunate situation due to California laws.
Prepare to cut ties with them both. Mother should have thought about this when she became pregnant with another man’s child.
Hurt feelings aren’t your problem anymore.
Not saying wife is right but it sounds like you’re punishing an innocent toddler for something she obviously can’t control. She is probably so confused and heartbroken that the father she always knew is telling her he isn’t her father.
What about finding the biological father of the child?
And demanding child support from him?
Mate I get your hurt and your rightly justified but what you’re not justified in doing is treating your child like shit and putting her through just because you don’t want to leave for financial issues. That’s how you become an abuser and is that how you want to be remembered, do you want to die alone, sad and pathetic in a cage because you lacked the courage to either walk away or work through this? It isn’t your fault but it’s your responsibility to not let it make you the villain. Either step up or step aside but don’t start taking it out on the innocent kid because you’d be just as bad as your wife.
If you don’t dump her she’s going to dump you.
Man, I know this is brutal. You should get yourself a solid attorney who knows how to handle paternity fraud or late challenges. You’re in deep pain, and that’s real. But don’t let that pain wreck your case. Talk to a therapist. You need a clear head more than ever right now.
Don’t blow everything up in the heat of the moment. Stay where you are for now. Save your money. Plan your next move with strategy, not emotion. Quiet, steady preparation that’s where your real power is.
Now, if the legal side doesn’t go your way, just remember this kid grew up thinking you’re his dad. Four years. He didn’t lie to you. He didn’t cheat. Don’t take it out on him for what she did.
If you end up having to support him, try to reframe it. You’re not doing it for her you’re doing it because you’re the kind of man who honors what’s right, even when it’s hard. That’s real strength.
And what’ll give you peace? Knowing you handled this with integrity. You didn’t sink to her level. Maybe you lost the fight in court but you didn’t lose yourself. And from here, you rebuild, stronger and smarter.
You’ve got this.
I think the rules only apply in CA. Check out other state’s laws and see if there’s a benefit to moving then filing.
I love how stuff like this happens to countless men, yet we are still told we have “male privilege”. Your life is fxxked. No other way to word it. They will force you to pay child support or send you to jail. They’ll also likely garnish your wages. Once you get out of jail, you’ll be expected to pay, even if no one will hire you anymore. If you don’t, it’s back to jail. Even after the kid is 18, she’ll go after you for backdue child support, and if you don’t pay, it’s back to jail again.
You will essentially serve a life sentence in jail for the crime of being cheated on and not forking over most of your earnings to your ex. You will be spun into being the monster on social media, the courts, and family.
I wish I had encouraging words for you.
Whatever you do, the poor kid didn’t ask for this shit either. You’re the person he calls dad and to tell him you’re not his dad is just mean. You’re already planning on treating her bad too, so the best thing for everyone is for you to just leave.
Set some money aside even if it means not paying bills. Then just get in your car and go. Nothing good will come of you staying there. You’re screwed if you stay and you’re screwed if you go, but if you go then at least you can find some peace.
Find a reason to move the family out of California, wait the amount of time required to file for divorce, and then you can file and not have to worry about child support since you no longer will be presumed father since you can submit the DNA and prove you aren’t. Not all states only allow two years.
Tell the wife you forgive her. Move to another state. Then divorce her ass.
Story’s got a lot of holes….
https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/parentage
That 4 year old little girl, does not understand.
You may hate her mom (and rightfully so), but . . .
You are the only other “safe” person in that 4 year olds life.
You being her dad is the ONLY world she knows.
She is 4 years old, and did NOTHING to intentionally or purposely hurt YOU.
If you continue teaching that innocent 4 year old she’s not loved, she’s going to be inevitably damaged for life.
In terms of that child, until unless you divorce move out etc she does not deserve to be treated like trash. 4 year old love is the most innocent love of all. Too young to know hate. Don’t ruin that child.
Anger is the easiest emotion. You stay angry, you don’t have to admit the hurt and pain. You have every right in the world to be angry as fuck forever at her mom. If you really loved that child, then you still love that child, so stop being mean and acting like you don’t to a 4 year old.
Therapy. Lawyers. Maybe you can get her mom to admit with a hidden camera in place you really aren’t the father and use that to help navigate around the state law so you aren’t on the hook for child support etc. You will likely get the mother to speak and have heart to heart conversations with you if she doesn’t think you totally hate her. Just because you know you want out doesn’t mean you can’t play a part till you get what you need to get out free and clear at least from child support. Might not be tomorrow might take a little coaxing and time but if it would hold up in court you have nothing to lose by playing an undeclared game of chess with your wife so your life isn’t totally destroyed. I am not a lawyer, do not know CA laws well and have zero true clue if something like that would even work – but perhaps if not this then the lawyer question should be what exactly would – and you make that your goal.
Get crafty and creative and figure out with the lawyers help how you can get out and not be on the hook. Just because the path isn’t paved doesn’t mean it can’t be paved. Just because you come to a hurdle doesn’t mean you can’t get past it creatively and legally.
Even if you will one day walk away from that child, like you never loved them at all – she’s innocent, and you’ve been her safe space her entire life. Don’t be mean and hurtful and unloving to that innocent child.
If you can find the father and confirm paternity can you contest it with evidence? Surely it’s fraud?
Tbh what you could do to get your get back is just let your wife know that you know. U will not be in the childs life since its not urs, you will keep maintaining them. But you will both see other people since she clearly cannot stay faithful. Dispute the child support since some people are saying u can do that within two years of finding out. Some lawyers are there just be jerks so use whatever resources u can bruh. U will come out od this alive
Does finding out who the real father is help your situation?
Who is the child’s father? He needs to take over the child and present himself as the father
I was with you till you took it out on the kid.
That kid looks at you like you’re dad. That ain’t his fault.
I’m not saying you’re not a victim
Here but that’s really shitty to do to the kid.
Seems you might look I to sueing her for paternity fraud she cheated would never trust her with anything again close out any jount account cancel any credit cards you may have given her. If you cannot divorce her without paying for her affair baby. Make sure no access to anything financial oh is you know baby daddy get his DNA and force him to cough up money for his demon seed!
OP
As a formerly cheated husband I sympathize with you but my heart breaks for the child. She did nothing wrong. Please find it in your heart to at least be kind to her.
As others have said, please consult other lawyers on the paternity front.
Can anyone explain to me the consequences of just disappearing? What can they do? What would they do if you just take your money and go?
This comment section must be full of kids. Why is the main advice “just leave the country”? If OP can’t afford his house in Cali, good chance is he can’t afford a new house in an entirely new place, either. Even if money wasn’t a concern, how exactly is he supposed to get into a new country? It’s not like the US where you’re good to go if you have a green card— if you aren’t rich or married to someone in that other country, getting in to start with is like pulling teeth.
Surely your wife thinks you’re an asshole at this point and does not want you around herself or her child.
Maybe there’s a way to mediate the split to strike a deal outside of what the law would require, rather than keep living in hate.
Try not to make the kid feel bad in the meantime, though.
I’d highly suggest a therapist
I believe that at least spousal support varies depending on the duration of the marriage. The sooner you file, the lower your support.
Talk to a better lawyer and ask for a plan to leave the marriage int he best way possible for you. If you need to apply for jobs in kansas and live in hell for 2 years before divorcing, do that. Get a PI, or at least, persuade her that having had the child hung around your neck like a noose financially is killing you, making resentment that you can’t get by. That she HAS to talk to the real father, apply for paternity test, child support, has to pay her way for the child. She has that choice, or a post nup where she is responsible financially for the kid and not you, etc. Basically just work to manipulate the shit out of her to get the best possible divorce you can.
Maybe do some fuckery, like sell the house to move, have a family member get a loan on a house and instead of buying, pay them rent every year, so it slowly pays off their house and your savings get spent towards the house. Then once you divorce they can sign the house over to you later on. Have a contract something like, they can’t sell without your permission and you inherit the house nad have guaranteed choice to live in the house as long as you want, etc.
Just, when you’ve been absolutely fucked, plot the absolute best way to get out of the relationship, even if it takes years.
Do NOT get her pregnant again.
Why not move to another state, quietly, establish residency there, then file for divorce in that state?
If you treat her bad will she not just divorce you? You could have moved to a different state then challenged paternity possibly. Idk. Not a lawyer
Can you move to a different state for better work and lower cost of living situation? Then divorce her later on?
The only person I feel sorry is that boy
Outside of the legal suggestions here you realistically need one solid friend that 100% won’t fuck you over.
Slowly give them the money every two weeks
Confirm the divorce and paperwork with your money in a separate savings in your friends name. As long as the deposits and transfers aren’t huge, you can get access to it easier.
This does require someone not fucking you over for thousands or millions of dollars which is the lynchpin
This hurt to read OP…
You have every right to feel a kinda way. This was a big lie and a big life change. Your options are few. I understand that you want to distance yourself from the kid but try not to be too cruel in the process.
The whole situation sucks.
It sounds crappy but you should start looking for a job out of state. Don’t file for divorce abandon the marriage. If possible, sell the house so you don’t have that hanging over your head. At some point, she can file for divorce for abandonment, but by then, she has to find you. You’ll probably lose all your tax returns to back child support.
Or, alternatively, back off supporting her. Tell her she needs to get a job to pay for anything she needs. Move your stuff to a different bedroom. Pay for the house and food, and that’s it. Tell her you are going to do the legal minimum you have to do, but she effectively broke the marriage. Separate all finances and tell her that eventually, she needs to contribute to the mortgage. It’s not a sustainable life, but you need to move to apathy instead of anger.
I understand that it’s supposed to be what’s best for the baby but we are in 2025 and DNA tests exist. If the child isn’t yours and the bio father can be found then you shouldn’t be on the hook for child support.
It is really cruel to take this out on the child. You’re the adult and you understand that life offers a rough hand. They do not. They just feel unloved.
Sell the house. The market in CA is still strong enough – even if you break even it’s better than being stuck. Sell your car and down grade for now. Do anything you can to financially make ends meet. Fight for 50/50 custody and when she doesn’t want to give you half (for obvious reasons) then negotiate. Say you’ll trade that for her signing off on no financial support. Worse case, you’re stuck with child support until the kid is 18, that sucks but it’s not going to kill you… at least there’s an end to it. And you won’t have to be married to her.
That poor child 😔
From the UK here. My brother got a job with BP based in Singapore and because he want paying tax in the UK he wasn’t liable to pay child support (he did anyway)and the child support agency couldn’t arrest his wages because he wasn’t getting paid into a UK bank account.
Surely it must be similar in the US? Either that move to an at fault state wait some months and file there!
Or don’t divorce and disappear.
Could you move to a state where this isn’t the law and then divorce there?
When I was 2 or 3 my dad found out that my mom cheated on him and I am not his biological child. They still tried to make it work but couldn’t. But my dad still raised me as his own, and is my absolute rock. In a few weeks, I’m giving birth to his first grandchild and naming him after him.
I know you said you don’t live your daughter anymore, but if you ever did for the first four years, you might just be saying that to make yourself feel better.
If you do still have love for your daughter, don’t let her mother’s actions get in the way of what could be a beautiful relationship and a lifetime of love from an innocent party in all of this
Dude don’t stop loving the child because your wife cheated. You raised that kid I couldn’t imagine finding out my kid wasn’t even mine but I don’t think I would be able to stop loving her. It’s not their fault.
If you don’t wanna leave the country, could still leave the state and say adios to both of them
If it’s still within two years of you discovering the facts that led you to doubt your paternity, then you can still challenge it in California.
Check the section on “Legal Grounds To Challenge Paternity.”
If I were you, I would hire a PI to help find the father of the child so he could take over financial responsibility. Also, try to see if you can find any biological matches on a genetic site. The lawyer’s comment was crass. If you signed the birth certificate and another guy doesn’t step up, then you would be obligated to pay child support even if you weren’t married. The laws absolutely suck and punish innocent men who are victims of paternity fraud. I support DNA testing at birth and harsher punishments for women who commit the worst kind of fraud imaginable. It would probably be best to sell the house, split the proceeds, and move somewhere cheaper to rent. Find healthy outlets/hobbies and focus on rebuilding your life.
Please don’t take your anger out on the child. You are the only father figure they have known. They weren’t asked to be brought into this situation. I wish you luck in finding your inner peace.
Just divorce her and surrender your parental right to the child
Have you considered suing for paternity fraud?
bad break, but talk to a lawyer seriously. Ask the lawyers what you can and cannot do. Hate to say it, if this was any other state besides CA, you would still be screwed, but it would not be as bad. In CA, they will not arrest robery suspects, but they sure as hell will arrest you.
I know for a fact, that if you have any joint bank accounts you can have your half of the money removed, provided that you can back that up with financial statements such as bank statements, that say from company X to the account of Mr Jack smith. However, once devorce procceddings happen, You better not do this. because an argument will be made that you are trying to not pay your wife anything, in which case CA will go after you.
By the way if you have propery or money that was before the marriage, you better be able to show it was acquired before the marriage, or if it was inherited, Otherwise CA will rule that property was acquired durring the marriage.
If you really do plan on divorce, talk to every devorce lawyer, and pay for a consultation fee. Tell them that I am Mr. Jack smith, I need your help with divorce. Even if you do not use them, but by going to them first, that could stop your wife from ussing them later on.
You can be as cruel as you want to her, but what if she decides she’s had enough of your cruelty and divorces you? Now you still have to support the kid, the ex wife and have to get a new place.
If this is how you really feel, rip off the band aid and get it over with.
There is a NARROW window for relief legally. You need to argue fraud (being told a child you never would’ve raised was yours) and infidelity and file divorce. YOU CAN’T WAIT or you lose this excuse. By doing so, you may be able to get a divorce and only pay child support. It’s bullshit, I agree, but it’s better than paying alimony to her for the rest of your life. That’s not the relief – that’s step one.
At this point, the wife would be making nothing but child support off of you and presumably have full custody. You can now minimize your income for a year or two then point out she would get more child support from the actual father. It would then be legally within her best interest (or perhaps now if the dad makes more than you) to allow you to legally disestablish yourself as the father so that she can sue the actual father for child support.
I’m similarly stuck by stupid laws and I’d buy you a drink if you were here. Our legal system went from “Does not protect women” to “protects them from their own infidelity, mistakes and lies at the expense of honest men” and for the life of me I don’t get how and why.
Notes and caveats:
A) Moving to a new state would not really help. They’re obliged to go by California’s ruling. You are the legal father and unfortunately at this point there’s not much you can do about it. The courts prioritize the well-being of the child over what’s fair to the parents.
B) I am not a lawyer. This is based on me brainstorming with ChatGPT until I found an idea it didn’t outright reject. Discuss this idea with your legal counsel. Nothing I say should be construed as licensed legal advice, but rather as advice from a random stranger on the internet who would love to help.
You have a cold heart not to have love for the child you cared for. Children are innocent and don’t deserve hate.
Be married on paper only! But what happens should she grow tired of your maltreatment and decides to file for divorce from you? Sounds like either way, you are screwed and are simply delaying the inevitable!
I wonder if op would want to pursue fraud/false paternity charges however given five year limitations he should act now before that child is five. Hire PI to track down affair partner and get his side of how the affair started and if she told him etc. Build that fraud case asap.
Separate bank account now. If she needs something she has to ask you, or get a job.
She said she’d make your life hell? Two can play that game. Tell all the dirt publicly on all social media sites, tell everyone that you had to get tests because she cheated(don’t say what tests), put cameras throughout the house(hidden, and the logs password protected) so any violence she inflicts on the kid can be reported, etc
Don’t be a bad parent, but undermine her authority. She says bedtime? You say she can stay up late.
Sue her for fraud and find the guy who knocked her up and sue him too. There usually is some remedy for things like this.
Dude. Make an long term exit plan. Lock down your credit too and speak to a lawyer to make sure any debt she runs up is hers not yours.
Also you could move to a state that caps child support.
You outright own half the house.
Tell her she can either buy you out, or put the house up for sale. There are zero other options.
You can profit, break even, or lose a lot less than staying where you are-mentally, physically, and monetarily.
Do not blame the child-saying hurtful things to it will only mess it up mentally. You’re hurting; would you want a 4 year old to feel that same pain, but not understand it or be able to process it?
Maybe the real father doesn’t know, and would love a child. You could always try to find them. The child needs love and stability, too.
The wife is definitely in the wrong, but it’s incredibly fucked up that you clearly have no love for this child that you’ve raised for the last four years. That child did nothing wrong. The fact that you don’t see the child you literally raised and loved as not yours because of blood is fucked. poor kid, between you and the wife, they’re gonna be in therapy for a long time. take a long hard look in the mirror buddy.
I would suggest you first consult a lawyer to find out what would happen if you took a mistress on the side to cope with this traumatic situation. Then have you a child of your own.
I say this gently: be angry at your wife, but don’t take it out on the child. You are the only father they have ever known and their love for you is the same regardless of blood ties. I know you are hurting, and justifiably so. But please point it in the direction it deserves: your wife.
Be kind to the child, show empathy. I don’t believe you when you said you have no love for them, you watched them grow and loved them for 4 years. You are hurt, but I imagine you will regret it greatly if you hurt this poor innocent soul who did nothing except be born.
It’s not fair. It sucks. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But please. Keep being a dad to this little one, at least until you leave. All they know now is for some reason “daddy doesn’t love me anymore”, and they are not old enough to understand why, only feel the hurt. The early years are so critical for development and attachment, there is no reason to screw up an innocent child over your wife’s horrible betrayal.
Can you do a rebuttal of presumed parenting?
I asked Gemini and this came up –
Yes, there are statutes of limitations that can affect the ability to rebut presumed parentage in California, but they vary depending on the specific circumstances. Here’s a breakdown of some key timeframes:
General Rebuttable Presumption (California Family Code § 7611):
Presumption Based on Marriage (California Family Code § 7540):
Voluntary Declaration of Paternity (VDOP):
Setting Aside a Paternity Judgment (California Family Code § 7646):
Important Considerations:
Divorce in situ is a thing for many people.
Think of it like “quiet quitting” where you still turn up to the job, they still pay your wage, but you end up doing sweet fuck all until either they get sick of you and sack you, or you find greener fields to go to.
So maybe that is the best way to handle this. Act like you are divorced – move into a separate bedroom, let them do their own thing and aside from being a physical presence, just quiet quit the family unit.
However, this is going to severely hurt that young child growing up in a household where the only person that they know in the role as “father” doesn’t act like it.
You have two choices ahead of you mate, and as hard as they may be to consider, the best choice for you and the child is that you leave and never look back. In the meantime, quiet quit the marriage and start looking for that greener field. Start planning for your eventual exit from the household from hell and pray like hell that she finds your replacement sooner rather than later.
And tell your 304 of a wife that as far as you are concerned, that you are a single dude who is going to do single dude things. Whether she likes it or not.
If she wishes to be your gaoler then she better get used to you banging your cup against the cell bars every chance you get.
I know you feel stuck and it feels beyond heavy and your wife won’t budge .. or “wife” because her actions are not one of a wife
However there’s some other approaches you can take. You could just keep driving the point home to her that your mentally checked out. She doesn’t have a husband, just a roommate … and eventually she may get sick of that and if she just wants a roof over her head it may not be worth it to do all this
Does she work ?
You could also keep threatening divorce too ..
She’s a sick person for what she did maybe throw around how her kid should know who his father is and guilt her
I’m a woman by the way and this comes to mind
This is why DNA tests should be mandatory right when the kid pops out. Especially in states where it’s only x amount of years from the date of birth.
Maybe watch how you talk to the kid. I know it’s not yours but it’s not their fault their mom cheated. Do what you gotta do but damn, no need to fuck them up for life
The way I see it, you can find the biological father. Or you can find a job in another state and move for said job, and within 6 months, you can file for divorce, and this whole hit about not being the father.
I totally get hate hating your wife. But please, please, PLEASE try TRY to remember that that child is INNOCENT in all of this. They didn’t choose their parents and to them you ARE their father. I’m not saying you can’t be upfront to them. I’m saying there is a better way to handle it in making sure they know that you’re not their father, that isn’t cruel or heartless to the child that is innocent of your wife’s misdeeds. Please think about that.
Subscribeme please. Your wife needs to come clean on her ONS or affair. It’s insane for her to put this onto you as if she’s innocent of all the damage she has caused. Where as I know it’s difficult to have the same feelings for the girl, it’s not the childs fault her mother is a kunt. I would focus my anger at my wife and not the innocent child.
It’s like the state will do anything but hold a woman accountable. Here’s your equality
Play the long con and find a way to move you and your pseudo family to a different state with laws that are in your favor?
There has to be a state you can move to, set up residency and file for divorce and fight child support.
Truthfully, this is a case to go and get cash jobs and leave her and her child behind.
Look, I get you are mad, but that kid didn’t do a God damn thing either. So try to have a little compassion since he didn’t choose any of this either. You don’t need to be so blunt with a child. It’s evil as fuck to do that just to piss mom off. Recognize who the enemy is here and who is innocent and quit acting like dick to the kid. If you are just gonna continue using the kid to get back at the mom, just fuck off. You don’t need to damage someone who is innocent just so you fucking feel better.
I understand why you’re angry and devastated but it’s not the child’s fault and punishing the child for this by yelling at them that you’re not their dad and bad mouthing their mother to them is really messed up. Find the bio dad and get him to take responsibility so you can get out. It will only make things worse if you mistreat your wife and her child because she’s going to make any possibility of you leaving nonexistent to punish you back.
Why do you think everyone is moving to Texas…. lol
Try to convince your wife to move to a different state that has laws against paternity fraud stick it out for a couple years then file for divorce
You can make her life a hell also.
The French foreign Legion will take you, no questions asked. And you get citizenship if you make it out alive…
To clarify: California law allows two years after discovering facts that reasonably lead a person to believe they may not be the biological father. NOT two years from birth, but the child must be under 18.
Talk to an attorney ASAP