So my girlfriend (let’s call her Emily) (26F) is really into candle making. Not like a fun weekend hobby, I mean full-on artisan soy wax, wood wicks, essential oils from obscure Etsy sellers, the whole package.
A few weeks ago she made a batch of “forest rain” candles for a local fair, and one of them, according to her, came out perfect. She labeled it “F.R. Alpha,” kept it unlit in a glass jar on her desk, and treated it like it was some sort of holy relic.
Last weekend, she went to visit her sister and before leaving she pointed at the candle and said, “Just don’t touch that one, it’s special.” I said sure. I didn’t touch it. I didn’t open the jar, didn’t move it, didn’t even register it after she left. Honestly, I forgot it even existed.
She gets back Sunday night, walks into her room, then immediately starts panicking. The candle is gone. She turns to me, wide eyed, and goes, “Where is it?” I just say, “Where’s what?” because I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about.
She accuses me of throwing it away. Says I probably cleaned or moved something and tossed it by mistake. I told her flat out that I never touched her desk or anything on it. I even offered to help her look. She refused, said I was trying to “gaslight” her and claimed I was “threatened” by the fact that she had something she loved that didn’t involve me. What.
Now she has been telling her friends and even her mom that I “won’t take responsibility” and am “emotionally manipulative.”
She says I need to publicly apologize and send her $70???!! to cover what she calls the “emotional value” of the candle.
I told her again I did not touch the candle. I did not throw it away. I did not even walk near that desk all weekend. But the more she repeats this, the more insane it feels.
And honestly? I am starting to doubt myself.
I know I didn’t throw it out, I know that for a fact, but the way she talks about it with so much certainty is messing with my head. I even checked the trash bin twice, even though I know I never put anything in there.
I feel like I’m being slowly guilt-tripped into apologizing for something that only exists in her imagination. AITA for refusing to say sorry when I know, deep down, I didn’t do it?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
So my girlfriend (let’s call her Emily) (26F) is really into candle making. Not like a fun weekend hobby, I mean full-on artisan soy wax, wood wicks, essential oils from obscure Etsy sellers, the whole package.
A few weeks ago she made a batch of “forest rain” candles for a local fair, and one of them, according to her, came out perfect. She labeled it “F.R. Alpha,” kept it unlit in a glass jar on her desk, and treated it like it was some sort of holy relic.
Last weekend, she went to visit her sister and before leaving she pointed at the candle and said, “Just don’t touch that one, it’s special.” I said sure. I didn’t touch it. I didn’t open the jar, didn’t move it, didn’t even register it after she left. Honestly, I forgot it even existed.
She gets back Sunday night, walks into her room, then immediately starts panicking. The candle is gone. She turns to me, wide eyed, and goes, “Where is it?” I just say, “Where’s what?” because I genuinely had no idea what she was talking about.
She accuses me of throwing it away. Says I probably cleaned or moved something and tossed it by mistake. I told her flat out that I never touched her desk or anything on it. I even offered to help her look. She refused, said I was trying to “gaslight” her and claimed I was “threatened” by the fact that she had something she loved that didn’t involve me. What.
Now she has been telling her friends and even her mom that I “won’t take responsibility” and am “emotionally manipulative.”
She says I need to publicly apologize and send her $70???!! to cover what she calls the “emotional value” of the candle.
I told her again I did not touch the candle. I did not throw it away. I did not even walk near that desk all weekend. But the more she repeats this, the more insane it feels.
And honestly? I am starting to doubt myself.
I know I didn’t throw it out, I know that for a fact, but the way she talks about it with so much certainty is messing with my head. I even checked the trash bin twice, even though I know I never put anything in there.
I feel like I’m being slowly guilt-tripped into apologizing for something that only exists in her imagination. AITA for refusing to say sorry when I know, deep down, I didn’t do it?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to apologize to my girlfriend after she accused me of throwing away her handmade candle. I know for a fact I didn’t touch it, but she’s convinced I did and is now telling people I’m emotionally manipulative. I might be the asshole because instead of just apologizing to keep the peace or offering sympathy, I stood my ground and insisted I didn’t do it, which made her even more upset. Maybe I should’ve handled it with more care even if I wasn’t at fault.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, you didn’t do it. This isn’t your fault
You have checked the garbage twice and it’s not there, that means you didn’t throw it out. I think she put it somewhere safe and forgot. Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do!
Nta. It sounds to me like she threw it out or hid it away and just wants 70 bucks. The only other option is if someone else had access to the house?
If not, I’d honestly start questioning the relationship.
what if she is setting you up and making you think that you did something with the candle for her to find some weird justification for doing something nefarious…
I had a girl do something similar except she accused me of throwing away a childhood plushie.. that I had never seen a single time, ever. Anyway, she was banging a dude from her work she trauma bonded with and couldn’t figure out how to justify it in her weird emotional mind
This is a conundrum.
Logic says you did it.
Or she did it and is playing mind games with you
Or a thief came in the night .. or day .. a very neat and tidy one that took the candle and nothing else and left without a trace
Or it’s a ghost
Or poltergeist
Or such like
Or it disappeared into a tiny wormhole.
Have other things disappeared in your house?
You are NTA until further evidence.
However if there is no evidence to prove any of the above
You ARE TA because you did it.
Did anyone come over to your place whilst gf was away?
INFO: Did she have other behavioural changes or issues? Is she sleeping enough lately? Is she on any medication or taking drugs?
The way you describe it sounds like a serious mental breakdown, possibly even hallucinations.
Look, a candle doesn’t just disappear, amd it’s likely not small enough that it can have, I don’t know, fallen behind the couch. Either you are lying, or she is.
She’s gaslighting you. NTA. Leave her.
Well the way I see it here, there’s just a few options. 1) was someone else in your house 2) do you have a pet 3) did she move it or take it with her and forget 4) is she gaslighting YOU 5) are you lying
NTA. I agree that she probably put it somewhere safe and forgot. She’s going to feel verrrry stupid once it does show up. Then you’ll be the one who needs a public apology. But if you do decide to give her $70, make sure she spends it on the right meds because >DAMN<.
Nta. She is gaslighting you. She would be emotionally abusive for lying.
NTA…you’re the one being emotionally manipulated here. Run. Run fast.
NTA, you know you clearly did not touch it or go anywhere near her candle. If she really didn’t misplace it, take it, etc then maybe someone else can enter the house?
You have a right to not apologize if you know you weren’t the cause for the candle going missing.
We need more info…..Was anyone else in your home? Where is the desk located? Have you gone thru the whole house and searched? Did you search thru all possible garbage bags/bins?
This seems really weird. Girlfriend tells you about a candle before leaving. (Why did she not protect such a prized possession?). First thing when you come back, candle is suddenly gone? She is blasting you on all social media and to your friends. She wants money. She wants a public apology. She calls you manipulative and that you are gaslighting her?
Dang, if you stay with this person, I suggest you get cameras installed.
If what you say is true, girlfriend is the one gaslighting and being manipulative. She sounds cray-cray. Can u be sure that the candle was on her desk when she left?
Eh. Cut your ties and move on.
Run
Nta get the fuck away from that massive red flag brah
Did you actually see said candle?
Call the sister and ask her if the candle is over at her place. If you really did not touch the candle, then your gf took it with her when she left.
NTA but ask yourself why she made a point of telling you not to touch it and then the first thing she does when she comes back is accuse you of getting rid of it. Doesn’t it sound like she was planning to do just that?
Don’t pay. And next time she warns you about something in this way, tell her to lock whatever it is up in a suitcase and stop with her weird games.
NTA and im sorry but your girlfriend sounds extremely immature, what is she, 14? Don’t want to insult her, but its absurd that she is going around saying you are emotionally abusive that’s just insane. You know you didn’t touch it, she needs to grow up and get over it and if I were you I would consider leaving the relationship if she cant work stuff out. Don’t give her the money either, it doesn’t belong to her. AND even if you would have accidently thrown it away (which is crazy, since how would you have accidently thrown a glass jar with a candle away that your girl said spesifically to not touch?) it would have been an accident and your girlfriend is acting mental if she thinks you should give her ALMOST 100 DOLLARS and publicly apologize? English isn’t my first language so I apologize for mistakes. Im not one to talk for your girlfriend, but based on this she should grow up and maybe consider therapy (the gaslighting and emotional abuse bs she is throwing around).
Her calling you “emotionally manipulative.” when she’s the one running to her family and friends and telling them lies is hilarious.
Why are you still with her? Her actions and behaviour should be an instant end of the relationship
Nta. She told you what she was doing when she accused you of gaslighting. Weird and conniving behavior.
Candlelighting at its finest.
Could be one of those “tests” to see if you love her or some crap
NTA
Time to break up with that abusive AH.
That’s not very nice, I spent a lot of thought on this.
NTA. If you didn’t do it, you DIDN’T DO IT. And if so, then she’s the only other person who could have touched the candle. I really hope that she has misplaced it. If not, then she is perhaps trying to scam you.
Maybe she wanted to give her sister a candle and accidentally gave her the wrong one ?
YTA for posting an Ai story.
How long have you been together?
Run Forest. Run!
Ok but where did the candle go
Maybe she’s pulling one of those stupid relationship ‘tests’ to gauge your worthiness. Regardless, she sounds a mess and if you didn’t throw out the candle, you’re NTA.
I’d tell her you don’t appreciate being badmouthed when you’ve already stated you didn’t do anything wrong, and if she doesn’t trust that you’re telling her the truth, you all need to reevaluate your relationship. Because you do–if she’s bugging out this hard over a candle and making you question your sanity, the future doesn’t exactly look rosy for your relationship.
She sounds exhausting. If what you said is true, then she’s playing some kind of weird game. I’d leave and tell her to stick her non-existent candle where the sun don’t shine.
NTA
I would throw her out this sounds like behaviour I don’t want in my life.
Run.
She’s testing you or setting you up. Time to dump her. It won’t be long because her crazy is figured out.
It’s petty, but if you want to get back at her, you can “publicly apologize” for your mistake of ever entering into a relationship with her.
Nta. Maybe it’s cos I’m older, but i couldn’t be doing with this drama over something as insignificant even if I had thrown it away
This is a setup
Edit: NTA
Whose name is on the deed/lease?
It’s time for the other person to leave.
Can’t wait for the update on this one.
NTA, if you’re certain you didn’t throw it away and nobody else had access to your house there’s only one possible answer now, isn’t there?
Onto why she’s doing this? From more to least likely imo:
She’s doing this purposefully as a “test” to see how far you’re willing to bend to accomodate her, even GIVING HER MONEY, when you know you’re in the right and she has no proof. Also spreading lies about you to social pressure you into doing it. The public apology is just a classic move of making you seem like a bad guy in front of everyone so the next time she accuses you of something, or you accuse her of something, she has more credibility over you.
She moved it last minute, forgot about it and with the stress of not finding it she’s not remembering and also blaming you which to her is the only thing that makes sense. Does not quite explain why she would ask for money, not for replacement of materials, but for “emotional value”.
She has some kind of mental health issue and genuinely believes in what she says even if it was her that moved it. Could explain why she grew so attached to a candle and is asking you for money for “emotional value” of a goddamn candle she could make more of.
NTA, if you didn’t touch it, she 100% lost it herself and she can’t even accept that it MIGHT have been her. (you know it was). When I lose something, and I ask the only other people who are around if they could seen it, or moved it, and they say no, I quickly accept that I somehow fucked up whether I accidentally threw something away or just really lost it. The fact that she can’t even accept that it COULD have been her fault is the biggest red flag, that and blasting you to her circle.
I hope you find somewhere else to live. She’s not going to let this go.
I’m going to want to see the update of when the it becomes clear that the OP’s girlfriend staged this whole thing and hid her own candle.
NTA
Her reaction wasn’t normal even if she was telling the truth (you could just as easily have moved it as thrown it out. The only reason she didn’t want to look was because she knew where it was the whole time).
This sounds like your girlfriend was doing one of those stupid relationship tests on you. She told you something was really important to her, and you didn’t even “care” enough to notice it was gone.
Run.
So the candle, what, grew legs and walked away?
You’re the only other person in the house. mate.
If you’re sure there was nobody else in the house then SHE is gaslighting YOU. Which explains the weird pointing out the candle before she left.
Why she would do such a thing? Maybe just emotional manipulation. Though I’ve found when people want to break up but are too chicken shit to say it they will start to find reasons to fight.
I once had a gf start stupid arguments, steal from me, and accuse me of baseless crap. Turns out she was cheating and wanted me to break up with her. This feels familiar, u/Wonderful_Car347 is she suddenly very protective of her phone? Taking it with her when she showers? Stuff like that?
Jan Levinson there needs to get a grip.
NTA
NTA but I really want to know what happened to the candle. If no one else was over, she must’ve taken it, right?
NTA do you have a pet? Has anyone looked on the floor near where it should’ve been? Called the sister and asked if she had it with her? Checked her car? It may be and honest mistake, she might be the abusive one.
She cheated on you with someone else, and wants you to break up with her
Is anyone else seeing that this post is obviously AI?? The entire style, down to the random bold sections of text, is pure chatGPT. Like damn.
NTA. Your girlfriend is nuts, I’m sorry to say.
Weird. I read this story from the opposite perspective a few weeks ago. Except in that one there was a blackout and the boyfriend used the special candle for light because he was jealous of it.
Had to double check that wasn’t in AITAngel because this is the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard. “Don’t touch that. It’s special.” What?!? Like why would you? Are you super into candles, too?
Info: what the fuck happened to the candle, then? If you were the only person home with the candle and now It’s gone, you need to call ghost busters or some shit.
The fact that she wants emotional damages paid over a candle is.. that’s some next level shit.
Don’t walk away … run
ESH because it seems like you look down on her hobby (“she was treating it like some holy relic”) and she probably senses that and it is generating resentment. Did you help her look for it? Do you feel sad that she lost it?
Ugggh what a mess
NTA. Whatever she feels isn’t the only truth at play here—and that is the issue. Your truth is that you had nothing to do with the candle disappearing. Her truth involves unfounded accusations and demands for monetary gain AND public humiliation.
F* that.
Sorry but this is hill I would die on. Your voice, your character past and future are being questioned, and your partner is absolutely shutting down any attempts for you to be heard, respected, or believed. This is NOT a candle issue.
And fwiw the whole public apology and give me money would be two additional reasons to walk away from this bizarre dynamic. Both those behaviors are punitive, not restorative. The focus has shifted entirely from the missing candle to hurting a partner. That my friend, is bullshit behavior. Adults do not behave this way, loving partners do not behave this way, manipulative drama queens behave this way. The fact you are questioning your reality tells me there are probably many more incidents where you were “wrong” and you have become desensitized.
Please step back and rethink this relationship. If your word is worth less than a candle—why are you tolerating being devalued? I don’t care if it was a million dollar candle, you don’t get to erase your partners voice and demand public apology stunts. That isn’t how accountability, respect, or partnership works. This isn’t healthy or normal behavior or expectations from a wronged partner.
Nta. Smells like a shit test
INFO: did you see the candle on the desk after she left?
If you didn’t toss it she’s either misplaced it, or she’s pulling something shady. Is she normally this emotionally involved when making candles? Does she normally react to the extreme when something is out of place or lost?
Ask her if she thought about keeping it safe after she told you not to touch it? Then offer to help her search for it. I’ve put something away before and sworn I left it in a different location. Stress can do that.
If she refuses to look for it and doubles down on the reimbursement and accusations tell her whatever is going on with her needs to be addressed because that is not a normal response to something like this.
Screenshot the social posts. Repost them and include proof video/photo of you paying her the $70 so if her posts appear in the future you can prove you did what she asked to ‘make it right’ in her mind. Then break up with her and consider the $70 breakup fee money well spent. The longer things would go on after something like this would just become more expensive and more emotionally draining. Sucks it happened, but better than happening after more time spent trying to build something.
Say goodbye to Emily.
NTA.
It sounds to me like she is doing this on purpose. How has your relationship been lately? Maybe she’s been looking for a way out that doesn’t make her the bad guy? Or she’s attention seeking elsewhere & needed a story where she is the poor victim of an abusive relationship. So she’s either incredibly immature or damn right crazy!!
If you are certain you didn’t touch it DON’T apologise, don’t take responsibility and definitely don’t give her money.
Tell her clearly one more time you didn’t touch it & that she has now has two options. She either believes you & apologies PUBLICLY for accusing you and saying such cruel things. Or she continues to believe her nonsense, dumps you and she moves out.
NTA She’s accusing you of gaslighting, when from that perspective, it would just be lying, and you’re not lying. But meanwhile, she’s so persistent with her insistence that reality is different from your understanding of it that you are being gaslighted.
I hope that you understand that this is a relationship ending piece of emotionally abusive drama.
Validate that she visited her sister or another mister
YTA cause Bolding plus boring.
NTA. Dude, get out. She sould like a gasligter of a partner.
NTA – Run!
Nut job dump her before she gets jealous of the shower
her going around and slandering your reputation is an extremely toxic and abusive trend. no matter what you need to break it off with her.
NTA. My advice: give her the $70 and break up. It’s most likely some stupid loyalty test. I’d give her the $70 just to shut her up and to be done with it.
I’ve once dated a woman that did a test when we were dating. It is so fucking tiresome. I don’t want to waste my time on stupid stuff like that.
NTA.
I saw that you said you were completely home alone and no one else was there.
She must have in that case put it somewhere else and forgot about it or put it away to try to blame you for some weird reason. The fact that she even doesn’t let you search with her is very strange. This seems like emotional abuse.
Stand up for yourself, don’t pay for it.
Is this the first time something like this have happened in the relationship OP?
Why are y’all together?
Assuming you haven’t come on Reddit to bullshit us all then the obvious thing here is that she moved it to a safer spot at the last minute then forgot.
I think you need to sit her down and be deadly serious. Tell her you did not move or interact with the candle, that you will help her look, but you will not be giving her any money and if she continues to trash you publicly for this then you are done, if you find the candle somewhere else you expect her to issue a statement on all socials that she has trashed you on that she was mistaken and let all her friend know that she was mistaken. Make it clear that that will not undo the damage already done and that you highly suspect that some of her friends will continue to think you are an abusive asshole and that if this becomes an issue you will also be done. Be firm, clear and consistent – this is her one chance to act rationally before she becomes a single woman.
NTA. But I really want to know where the candle is. Please update when it’s “found”
YTA. First, it seems like it’s a perfectly normal weekend hobby. “essential oils from obscure etsy sellers”??? So you mean she wants to get special scents for her candles? What is the problem? Also, the candle was there, now it is gone. I assume you two live together and no one else was in the flat? So it must have been you? It’s also weird that you just forget about something she is so passionate about over just one weekend. I am wondering, too, why you are so weird about her hobby and I think it not being about you is a pretty good guess on her part. Asking for 70€ is a weird choice, but I guess she just wants some accountability from you. Honestly, the extremely uncalled for derogatory way you talk about her hobby kind of makes me think you tossed it out of spite…
NTA. Are you sure you want to be in this relationship?
NTA. Sounds like she’s set you up.
NTA your gf sounds like she has some undiagnosed mental issues. Something with paranoid in the name.
NTA.
And this goes beyond just whether you touched it or not. The fact she’s reacted this way and told everyone lies about you should be a huuuuuge red flag. If she trusts you so little that she doesn’t believe you, or that she’s lying and gaslighting you on this, tells me that this isn’t a healthy situation for you.
In other words, I hate to be the typical redditor, but you should probably break up with her.
My husband has a terrible memory and there’s been a few times where he has lost something and INSISTED that he didn’t put it anywhere/move it and that myself or one of the kids has moved it and eventually will find the lost item and only then will he remember that he didn’t put in fact move it/put it somewhere 🙄
Either something like that happened and she’s hopefully going to feel very silly (and hopefully apologetic) or she is doing it on purpose.
Either way I’d be annoyed enough that she is demanding you apologise even though you said you didn’t touch it. I’d give her the $70 but tell her you’re not apologising for something you didn’t do and then I’d break up with her.
NTA
Did you drink or take any drugs while you were home alone? That would be the only way you’d be likely to do something to the candle and then forget about it.
“When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”
According to how I understand it?… she is walking out and points to this candle, tells you don’t touch it and leaves?
You have not moved it?
Therefore either she has come back and moved it or someone else has access to the house or has keys?
(which to be honest is the bigger issue for me)
I would make a show of changing the locks on the home.
Dude she is making you doubt your own memories. That is the very definition of gaslighting. If no one entered your home besides you and her, and it’s not you, then it’s her. She is fucking with your head for reasons unknown. NTA
NTA
Tell Jan she needs to chill. Take your St Pauli Girl neon and get out.
NTA but I swear I’ve read something similar to this before, except a girl had a special candle and freaked out because her boyfriend burnt it.
NTA. Sounds like she looked for advice on reddit too.
The major issues here, that you’ll never come back from is public accusing you, calling you emotionally manipulative and telling everyone.
Do you stay? Protect your image? Pay for something not worth the price?
Or pay $70 and leave?
Nta
NTA.
This girlfriend has some screws loose if she goes batshit over something like this. I’ll bet dollars to donuts she took it to make some “how much my boyfriend loves me” TikTok challenge.
Trade up pal.
If no one else came to your place and you said you didn’t even register the fact that it was there after she left, you probably just put it somewhere else by accident. Seems like it was pretty important to her too. I’d just apologize either way because you know your intentions weren’t bad and it meant a lot to her.
Dump her and run. Every problem this woman faces you will become the root cause.
NTA sounds like she’s looking for a reason to breakup.
Honestly it sounds like she hid the candle and wants 70 bucks from you. The fact that you’re starting to doubt your own sanity, it sounds like gaslighting to me, which is abuse. Are there any other red flags in your relationship? Even if you think they aren’t really a big deal? Maybe stuff you were mad about but decided to let go?
NTA and it sounds more like you have an ex-gf who needs to be blocked.
UpdateMe
Run from this woman, fast.
Mmm I think she knows you didn’t throw it away , she is being abusive .
Does she do that often ? I would seriously think about your relationship with her
NTA-
I’d reiterate that I did nothing, give her an itemized $70 for the mysterious loss or self-theft of her own candle, and leave her.
Whether this was a mistake on your part or hers, or a test of loyalty, when she started accusing you of emotional abuse and slandering you to others, the relationship was ruined. This is who she is. She’ll ruin you publicly over a candle.
She’s setting you up, bro.
If it’s her unwillingness to end your relationship like a mature person and using the candle as an excuse or a sudden need to control you is unclear, but either way you know what you did or did not do. It’s textbook gaslighting and DARVO on her part.
Run before it’s too late. And I don’t say this lightly.