I F24 and H27 have a 3 year old boy and a 10 month old girl. Ever since our son was big enough to walk he always “play fights” with him. They laugh the whole time and son really has a great time with it. I thought it was all cute and funny.
Now our boy is almost 4 and about to start school. There is a group of kids who always come knocking asking for him to come play. I come sit outside and supervise and kids don’t mind staying in our yard so I can watch. My son will be laughing and start trying to play fight the other 6 year olds, or hit the 9 year old- the whole time he does it he’s laughing but they are not.
I was absolutely mortified the first time I saw him hit one of them in the chest. I’ve had the same talk with him-hand to yourself and if someone say NO or STOP he needs to chill out immediately. I’ve told him he should learn to be a good friend and part of that is respect. He only stops if I step in and tell him to stop. He thinks the other kids love playing this “game” with him or something.
Is this normal for 3 year old? Is my son going to be a bully in school because of the horseplay him and his dad do? It’s just really stressing me out and concerning me that my sons acting this way with friends. Is stop horseplay all together in our house a reasonable first step?
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Backup of the post’s body: I F24 and H27 have a 3 year old boy and a 10 month old girl. Ever since our son was big enough to walk he always “play fights” with him. They laugh the whole time and son really has a great time with it. I thought it was all cute and funny.
Now our boy is almost 4 and about to start school. There is a group of kids who always come knocking asking for him to come play. I come sit outside and supervise and kids don’t mind staying in our yard so I can watch. My son will be laughing and start trying to play fight the other 6 year olds, or hit the 9 year old- the whole time he does it he’s laughing but they are not.
I was absolutely mortified the first time I saw him hit one of them in the chest. I’ve had the same talk with him-hand to yourself and if someone say NO or STOP he needs to chill out immediately. I’ve told him he should learn to be a good friend and part of that is respect. He only stops if I step in and tell him to stop. He thinks the other kids love playing this “game” with him or something.
Is this normal for 3 year old? Is my son going to be a bully in school because of the horseplay him and his dad do? It’s just really stressing me out and concerning me that my sons acting this way with friends. Is stop horseplay all together in our house a reasonable first step?
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Hi! I’m a child play therapist. Not only is this normal behavior for a 3 year old, but in a paradoxical way the play fighting at home is actually helping him learn to regulate his emotions and control impulses. 3 year olds play very differently than 6 or 9 year olds, so it’s not surprising that they aren’t really clicking. You did the right thing by noticing him being too rough with the older boys and using it as an opportunity to teach pro-social skills. Rather than stopping the play fighting, I would use it as an opportunity to model setting boundaries. “We can wrestle but please don’t hit my face”. “I see you want to wrestle but I’m the mood for fighting right now.” “Pause – that hit was a little too hard”. “Your face is telling me that you’re not having fun wresting anymore. Are you all done?”
Horse play is actually really good for kids. What you need to teach your kid is time and place. Practice “No”, “Stop”, and body language cues. It adds a layer to the play. Get your husband to practice with him. Horseplay and then yell “No” or “Stop” and his job is to stop. Then, it’s also up to you to set the boundaries before play with kids.
“Hey buddy, remember we don’t body slam or kick or punch when we play with our friends. That’s for you and dad. We use a gentle body with friends.” When he starts, remove him from play calmly but immediately. When he says he’ll be gentle, he can go back. If it happens again, end the playdate for that day and tell him he can try again next time.
honestly, sounds absolutely normal for a three/four year old. when your husband plays with him he does also teach him boundaries, right? like not to hit people into the face, stop when being asked to stop etc?
another thing is that he is being asked to come out to play. if the other kids actually minded, i doubt they would go and seek out your child for playtime.
imo you are overthinking things.
Play fighting is healthy. Apologize to your husband.
Play fighting between a parent and child is great. Not only are they having a good time as you’ve discribed, is a usefull way to bond. I actually think it could be a perfect place to practise some of the bounderies he is breaking with the other kids.
I’d very much recomand your son and husband keep up having fun this way, but they do need bounderies. Wresseling is great, hitting is not. This is the same if your husband gets hurt in other ways, he should not be though, but honest so youe son can learn his own power “If you poke my eyes, it hurts, please becarefull not to, because I dont like it”. If your son hits your husband, he needs to be told that that is not allowed and that the play will end if he does it again. You should explain why this rule exists “because you hurt people that way, and pain is not nice”, and at such a young age, he’ll need many reminders as well as sugestions for alternative options “hitting hurts, but wresseling is fun”.
If your husband doesnt put these rules in place now, he’ll wish he had in a couple of years. A three year old doesnt hurt an adult that easy, but in only a couple of years he will be able to.
With the other kids, you’ll need to put bounderies in place in the same way. Remind him every time he does it, that hitting is not allowed and that wresseling is only fun if both want to wressel.
Your son is very young, dont get mad if he breaks the rules, just clearly and consistantly state what the boundery is and if needed explain why. If he consistantly breaks a rule, you might need to take away the power to break that rule as apparently he can’t be trusted with the resonsibility yet.