I’m really torn and not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if it’s finally time to create distance for my own peace.
We’ve been dealing with infertility for 3 years. And this past year we’ve been in the trenches. It started last summer when I was in the deepest of depression after our miscarriage, I needed uterine surgery to correct a septum, I had a really bad experience with an HSG test, it was trauma after trauma. Then I found out I was nutrient deficient, had an autoimmune disease, pre diabetic, anemic all within a couple months. My whole body felt like it was falling apart. I went on a strict diet and changed my entire life over night. In the middle of all of this, my sister-in-law told us she was pregnant.
We were close at one point. She was my maid of honor in our wedding, but became distant after moving away. We’d go months without seeing or talking to her but when she became pregnant she was around all the time. During the worst months which were around the holidays she said some really hurtful things that I can’t get out of my mind. Thanksgiving, I had just found out about my autoimmune, and a couple weeks past surgery. All the ladies were talking baby stuff and I mentally just couldn’t that day, I really wasn’t okay. But SIL should absolutely be able to talk about it so I just watched football with the guys. It was time for dinner and there was no food I could eat there, I cant have gluten and there was even gluten in the mashed potatoes and green beans. Cream of soup everywhere. We left early because I had so much anxiety and I was hungry. She asked why we were leaving and I said we just have to get ready for my parents house tomorrow. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I went to the car. My husband didn’t come out for a few minutes. He was upset because I upset SIL. I got a text from my MIL later asking why I didn’t say bye to SIL. I was so angry. I called her and asked her why she lied and she said I didn’t lie you can’t even look at me can I not talk about my baby? I’m so tired of tiptoeing around you. And as far as the food thing, you tell us not to worry about you and then you get upset when we don’t. But she talked to me about pregnancy since the day she found out, that’s all she talked about.
At this point, I have put myself aside for months. No matter how I’ve felt I just made sure to bend over backwards for her. I threw her baby shower, helped her move, I helped with the nursery, baby shopping, pretended like nothing was wrong. It has been very difficult for me mentally. She never apologized and when given the chance she said she didn’t think she was wrong so she shouldn’t have to apologize.
I don’t think she has any idea how much pain she caused, or maybe she does and didn’t care.
Baby is almost here, I made sure she wasn’t emotionally abandoned, made sure her pregnancy wasn’t overshadowed by my problems. But I’m not being honest and I am still upset, she continues even now to say hurtful things. I let pregnancy be the excuse for a while but I’m also on progesterone, letrozole, and my hormones were all out of whack from my thyroid. When do I get any grace? I don’t want to keep pretending everything is fine. But I’ve been acting like things were fine for so long that I’m afraid people won’t understand. I’m worried I’ll look bitter or dramatic for suddenly stepping back now.
I don’t know what to do. Am I the asshole if I create space now?
Edit:
The food. I told them not to worry about me for lunch a couple days prior because they didn’t want to eat where I could eat which is fine. I just thought for thanksgiving I’d be fine with turkey and potatoes but turkey was stuffed and potatoes had cream of chicken in it. After this happened I offered to bring my own Christmas food and they were upset about that and it was suggested I just eat when we leave or before we go. So this was not a communication issue. I walk on eggshells.
Edit #2:
I just copied my reply from a comment. Here’s more info.
Ah yes being polite is so bad. Is there a world where I wouldn’t be the elephant in the room? Be honest?
She said she hopes she has a miscarriage on the second pregnancy instead of the first one because at least she’d have a baby.
While I’m working on her house she’s watching me and sitting on the couch and said she can’t do anything because she’s growing bones. My husband said oh you’re fine and she said you guys are just jealous.
At her babyshower that I threw and funded she came up to me and was like omg I just had an awkward moment. I was like what’s that and she said a little kid came up to me and asked why are you pregnant why do you get to be pregnant and she said idk I’m just chosen.
Should I go on?
Also I didn’t insist on anything. She asked me to throw her babyshower, because she didn’t have anyone else. And asked for the baby shopping and nursery.
Oh and as far as being sullen. When she announced her pregnancy my mil looked at me IN FRONT OF EVERYONE across the table said I’m sorry with a smile.
Christmas I was smiling, commenting on all the stuff, drinking, joking. I get a text later that says “it didn’t look like you wanted to be there”
But when I offer to not be around they get upset about that too? They want me there they don’t want me there. But you know what they really want? Me not to be going through infertility while sil is pregnant. Because what a rainy cloud that is 🙄
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I’m really torn and not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or if it’s finally time to create distance for my own peace.
We’ve been dealing with infertility for 3 years. And this past year we’ve been in the trenches. It started last summer when I was in the deepest of depressions after our miscarriage, I needed uterine surgery to correct a septum, I had a really bad experience with an HSG test, it was trauma after trauma. Then I found out I was nutrient deficient, had an autoimmune disease, pre diabetic, anemic all within a couple months. My whole body felt like it was falling apart. I went on a strict diet and changed my entire life over night. In the middle of all of this, my sister-in-law told us she was pregnant.
We were close at one point. She was my maid of honor in our wedding, but became distant after moving away. We’d go months without seeing or talking to her but when she became pregnant she was around all the time. During the worst months which were around the holidays she said some really hurtful things that I can’t get out of my mind. Thanksgiving, I had just found out about my autoimmune, and a couple weeks past surgery. All the ladies were talking baby stuff and I mentally just couldn’t that day, I really wasn’t okay. But SIL should absolutely be able to talk about it so I just watched football with the guys. It was time for dinner and there was no food I could eat there, I cant have gluten and there was even gluten in the mashed potatoes and green beans. Cream of soup everywhere. We left early because I had so much anxiety and I was hungry. She asked why we were leaving and I said we just have to get ready for my parents house tomorrow. I gave her a hug and told her I loved her and I went to the car. My husband didn’t come out for a few minutes. He was upset because I upset SIL. I got a text from my MIL later asking why I didn’t say bye to SIL. I was so angry. I called her and asked her why she lied and she said I didn’t lie you can’t even look at me can I not talk about my baby? I’m so tired of tiptoeing around you. And as far as the food thing, you tell us not to worry about you and then you get upset when we don’t. But she talked to me about pregnancy since the day she found out, that’s all she talked about.
At this point, I have put myself aside for months. No matter how I’ve felt I just made sure to bend over backwards for her. I threw her baby shower, helped her move, I helped with the nursery, baby shopping, pretended like nothing was wrong. It has been very difficult for me mentally. She never apologized and when given the chance she said she didn’t think she was wrong so she shouldn’t have to apologize.
I don’t think she has any idea how much pain she caused, or maybe she does and didn’t care.
Baby is almost here, I made sure she wasn’t emotionally abandoned, made sure her pregnancy wasn’t overshadowed by my problems. But I’m not being honest and I am still upset, she continues even now to say hurtful things. I let pregnancy be the excuse for a while but I’m also on progesterone, letrozole, and my hormones were all out of whack from my thyroid. When do I get any grace? I don’t want to keep pretending everything is fine. But I’ve been acting like things were fine for so long that I’m afraid people won’t understand. I’m worried I’ll look bitter or dramatic for suddenly stepping back now.
I don’t know what to do. Am I the asshole if I create space now?
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Wow! You’re really in the trenches right now!
I don’t know where you are, but when I was struggling with infertility and health issues and trying to even figure out if I wanted kids, my local RESOLVE support group was so helpful!!
https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/
I’m sure you’ll get great advice here, but it can’t replace being surrounded by people going through the same experience. They can be such a wealth of knowledge and understanding.
And if there’s not a resolve group near you, I hope you can find something similar.
Edit: fixed typo
Your SIL sounds like an AH, but have you been honest with people bout your feelings and your dietary restrictions? If you told people not to worry about your food, they probably assumed you would bring your own. If you tell everyone you are fine, can you be upset when they believe you?
Your family is basically gaslighting you and this includes, sadly, your husband. You are allowed to have feelings. From your post, I don’t see where you have not considered your SIL’s feelings.
Perhaps it would be reasonable to allow your family to accommodate your gluten allergy. We have a family member with this allergy and people have learned to adapt. It’s not hard.
If it were me, I would begin by getting a therapist for just me. You can do therapy these days on the phone or via Zoom. It would be helpful for you to learn how to be pleasant without being unkind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot to have a child.
Then I would ask your husband to go to a different therapist for couple’s therapy. As much as your husband may care for his family, you are his wife and in an ideal world, he would have your back.
With your therapist and the couple’s therapy, the two of you can present a united front when dealing with his family.
Finally – I wish the best for you going forward.
Sorry for what going though but you aren’t saying all the hurtful things she said unless is just what’s in your post.
Sounds like you have repeatedly said are fine or not to worry about making food for you then upset when people take you at your word. Or made an effort yes but being sullen and uncomfortable that they likely have tip toed around you.
That is hard when she wants to enjoy her pregnancy and not feel like it’s something she must hide esp with family. It doesn’t sound like has being any real communication here.
I think you have unintentionally made people uncomfortable by likely saying things ok then being obviously upset. Or insisting to be part of things but being more a dark cloud when the time came.
I’ve had fertility struggles too, lost 5 so I do get the pain but hard as is it can’t be all you and make women who are having babies the bad guys as aren’t actually doing a thing to you, her having a baby has no real effect on you it doesn’t change your circumstances any way.
If one day do have a baby which I really hope happens I’m sure you’ll want to be happy excited and sharing it all and may get why that’s not a fair ask to want someone not to do that
NTA
Stop putting yourself last for your selfish in-laws. While SIL is allowed to be all about baby, she is not allowed to be lying and cruel towards you.
The same is true for your new dietary needs. Bring what you can safely eat to every meal if they are unwilling to accommodate. It is not insulting to the cooks if they are not going to try and include you. Do remind them a week before major get togethers so they have an opportunity to adjust if they don’t, thats on them when you bring your own meals.
Be kind to yourself. Take the time you need to come to terms with your multiple diagnoses and your loss, seek therapy and support groups.
Your husband needs to have your back, not SILs. He was wrong. What is he doing to help you through all of your traumas?
I just wanted to give you some hope – I have pcos, hashimotos (which i didn’t know about until several years after my pregnacy when I developed another autoimmune issue too), and endometriosis. We went through over 3 years of fertility treatments and procedures. My anxiety was through the roof. I had friends get pregnant and have babies and sometimes even 2nd babies all in the time I was trying to get pregnant. The stress and the heartache and anxiety are all rough. After 3 years I finally got pregnant and had my daughter. I truly had almost given up, and then it finally worked. I say this to tell you a few things – 1. Be kind to yourself and practice self care. 2. It’s ok to remove yourself from people and situations that are mentally too much for you. It’s no one else’s right to judge what may be too hard mentally/emotionally for you to handle on any given day. 3. I’m so proud of you changing your diet and being so proactive! That’s no small feat! 4. Your SIL and MIL sound like they need to also be more supportive of you, not just you being supportive of them. 5. Take food to family events that meet your needs if they aren’t going to try to meet you part way. Walk in with your gluten free sides with your head up. 6. Don’t give up hope! It will happen for you. 😘
UpdateMe!
YTA. Apart from the disagreement over the goodbye, you’ve not given an example of something hurtful your SIL said.
Your SILs pregnancy has zero to do with you and your fertility struggles. It’s not a competition. Of course she’s coming around family more – she’s pregnant.
It’s understandable to need a time out. Not okay to frame your SILs pregnancy as something that was done to you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I am too going through the same thing. My SIL is also rubbing it in my face.. I gave her the benefit of the doubt but she’s exhausted all the attempts so I decided to keep a distance!
They will always get offended and upset by any action you choose to take, so let them be. You should keep your peace.
Definitely have a talk with your husband and ask for his emotional and mental support.
Good luck on your journey OP! Hope it works out well for you🤍🙏🏽
Your SIL is an inconsiderate bitch and you should step away from the relationship. It sounds like she has plenty of people supporting her.
I’m so sorry about everything you are going through. I can’t imagine how difficult it is. You take care of you always, first and foremost!
The one thing that stands out for me in your post is your husband being upset because his sister was upset. So it’s ok that you have bent over backward for months to cater to her, but she lies about you not saying goodbye and THAT is what upset him?
Does this man support you and care for you, especially in light of all you’ve had to cope with? I’m curious because that is the only time you mentioned him and he came off as looking like a real ah. It should not have mattered to him if you hadn’t said goodbye to little-miss-I-have-to-be-the-center-of-everything.
NTA
I don’t know why you over-corrected and felt the need to throw the baby shower, help her move, or set up the nursery. Why are you putting the strain on your mental health to please that woman?
As far as the food, your family could, and should, absolutely have made sure there was safe food for you to eat!! How rude!! I can understand not having everything completely gluten-free, but having nothing you can eat just screams how much they don’t care. I have a nephew who has a gluten allergy, so when that part of the family is here, I always make food they can eat, and I’m very clear about what is and is not safe for them. It’s doesn’t have to be that hard!!
I’m so sorry for your fertility struggles. I have a close friend who was never able to have children, and while I was never in that boat, I’ve been there to listen to her when she needed me, so I know how hard this is for the couple, especially the woman. I hope it gets better for you.
Your husband sucks. Thats all I have to say.
My husband and I had five losses in five years. It was really rough. Several friends and family had babies during this time, and I completely noped out. I didn’t do showers, but I did send gifts. I remember one event (it was a military event for families), and my sil was pregnant, a good friend was pregnant, and three other women were hugely pregnant. I spent every free moment in the washroom bawling. I too was just post miscarriage and also on hormones for IUI. It was just so difficult!
My SIL and myself no longer speak. She got mad that I was unable to be a part of her pregnancy I guess. But in truth she never said why. Just became rude and cruel, excluding my husband and I from EVERY family gathering.
I’m now totally no contact with most of my husbands family. My MIL told me more than once that it was my fault I didn’t get pregnant because I wasn’t praying. Truth is, I spent every waking moment praying for a baby!
Eventually we conceived via IVF. Then not even two years later got pregnant again naturally and somehow that baby stuck around.
You are NTA. You’re a grieving woman who is struggling and having a hard time. Anyone who doesn’t understand that (including your husband!!!!! WTF – he was upset with YOU?????) needs to back off.
Out people on time outs. Go low to no contact. Right now, YOU are the only person that matters.
Turkey having stuffing in it doesn’t mean you can’t eat the turkey that isn’t touching the stuffing. Most of the turkey doesn’t touch the stuffing. But they should have let you bring something you knew you could eat or made something that was for sure gluten free.
It’s absolutely OK to make space between you and she right now. You don’t need to tell her or anybody why. But it doesn’t make sense why you bent over backwards to appease her and help her with all her pregnancy related things all this time.
OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this plus have an unsupportive husband and in-laws.
It’s like your supposed support system is against you. Your SIL is a horrible person and she will absolutely expect you to be at her beck and call for child care.
Do you go to therapy? Maybe talking this through will highlight if it’s worth the effort with this family.
Seems you are the bad guy no matter so maybe you can stop and start thinking and doing what’s best for YOU.
Tell them you are unwell and stay home eating food you can actually eat and watching tv.
Something has to change or you’re going to crack. Is your husband as unsupportive as he sounds?
NTA
When you are stressed that can cause you to struggle get pregnant. Distance yourself from the negative people. Put yourself first. You don’t owe these people one thing. You are married to husband not the terrible sil. Who thinks the world revolves around her because she pregnant. She’s not the only woman in the world to get pregnant. Relax talk to someone. Get your health on track and take your time. Let it happen naturally. Please stay away from sil. Toxic. Blessing to you
NTA, but these people live for high school drama. Prepare yourself, nothing you do will be “right”. After all of nothing was wrong, there’s nothing to smirk or make passive aggressive comments about. So just like in high school, if it’s not there they’ll make it up anyway. And that’s the plural They, FYI.
Change the man and all your issues will leave
I feel like I read this thoroughly but I feel like I’m missing something. Not understanding where she ‘lied’ to you about anything? Or what she has to apologize for. Not sure why you felt you had to be the hero and throw the shower for her if you’re unhappy with her in general and also upset she’s pregnant and you’re not?
Why are you putting up this BS?
It’s an echo chamber. NTA and I don’t understand why everyone needs to make this big deal about you when you are doing your best to keep it the fuck together and not just cry every time you see her.
It sounds like this relationship is very one sided and she only has you around because it benefits her. You did x,y,z because she ASKED. I think it’s time to distance yourself from her and her mom. Let all communication go through your husband. Idk why your husband doesn’t have your back in all this. It’s time to reevaluate your marriage
It’s impossible to get through to people without empathy about how much pain, betrayal & disappointment your body has put you through. Especially when those people haven’t experienced that kind of loss. Especially when there’s a new pregnancy. That said, you’re absolutely entitled (& right) to put distance between you, but please speak up for yourself. “I’ve had these problems. I’m very hurt and confused [in my personal experience, it was about who I was, why I was married; it was a very deep wound that I needed time to process]. I’m very happy for you and I’ll be able to show it when I’ve healed more. I want you to experience all the joy that goes with having a baby, but for both of us to get what we need, there will be times I need to put distance between us.”
OMG. I suffer from infertility, as well. This is torture. It’s cruel, emotional abuse, and it’s very obviously intentional.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with so many health concerns on top of infertility and then have this to deal with. Your husband’s family can respectfully, all go fuck themselves. He’s pretty close to it for me, too. You need to take care of you, he needs to take care of you…it’s what he vowed to do when you got married.
Is he the only son of the family? If so I wouldn’t be surprised if they are trying to push you out so you leave him or he leaves you to get some other woman in to “give him babies” to carry on the “family name” and are acting like you are inferior because you haven’t yet. You are NOT inferior. They are just horrible people. If he’s not going to have your back, then you have to have your own back. You make yourself first in everything, and if he or they won’t respect that, they can go pound sand.
I wish you luck with getting your health back where it should be! 🙏🏻
I experienced infertility for a decade(come to find out my ex had an issue that meant he would never have children with out invitro and he would never go see a single doctor with me), I am celiac and have been trying to get to the bottom of health issues for most of my adult life. Gluten, dairy, low sugar…my family knows this and always accommodates on special occasions. If they forget I literally just don’t eat and they all feel horrible but still try to pass me food. It’s super annoying. My partners family says they are going to accommodate but literally never do. SOOOO, I started eating before their events. That way I’m not starving and then usually I will have that leftover if I’m still hungry after. I also have a sister that said if I “actually had [medical issues] than I’d be so sick and wouldn’t be able to even get out of bed” ummm yes that’s what happens. I don’t have the luxury of that though, and so I stubbornly continue living life however painful it might be. I’m sorry this is happening to you. But your husband NEEDS TO BE SUPPORTIVE. He has to stand up for you with them. You are his wife. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized it’s not worth having people around if they are constantly hurtful or toxic. Shut them out and give them zero access to you. Your health and wellness is top priority! I hope you can narrow down your specific issues and find the right things that work for you! The journey is long but you deserve to feel good!!
NTA
>My husband didn’t come out for a few minutes. He was upset because I upset SIL.
HUGE red flag! Why are you with someone who doesn’t put you first? You deserve better! I got stressed just thinking about what you’ve gone through, I can’t even imagine how stressed and hurt you must feel.
This is not the man who you should have kids with. If he can’t be on your side then who will?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
It sounds like they’re looking for reasons to start a fight and frame you as the bad guy.
Maybe you should share this post and it’s comments with your husband. If he’s a decent person, the comments may hurt a bit but it will give him much needed perspective. If it pisses him off instead, then you will be the one with a new perspective… on your marriage.
I like the advice from the commenter who told you about finding a support group through RESOLVE. Specific support groups have the best tried and true advice. I think that will also help you find ways to get your husband on the same page with you.
I’m sorry you’re going through so much, OP 🫂
Updateme
Updateme!
Girl I hate to say it but you have a husband problem! He should be defending you and have your back! You need to take a step back Is this the family you want?
Updateme
Fuck them! They lack integrity while you have boat loads!
I’m so sorry Op. Your SIL and Mil are effing cows!
I think you should step away a little bit but not because she’s awful…. I doubt she intended to hurt you. You’re going through so much and it SUCKS And she can’t be there for you in the way you need. You’re going to hurt just being in proximity. You’re grieving. And she’s going through her own massive change. Her brain is telling her nothing except prepare for baby which is the fucking WORST to be around sometimes. And honestly… both of your hormones are totally jacked up. She’s the wrong person to emotionally support you because she doesn’t understand at all what you’re going through and she can’t empathize. I don’t think this will feel like a safe relationship until you take a step back and grieve and grapple with how absolutely heartbreaking and unfair this really is. Because it sucks for you. But planning her baby shower is like rubbing salt on the wound. Be honest and tell her that you love her but you need space. And as far as the food… I would just assume that no one will ever consider your food needs so it’s on you to bring your own. I wish it wasn’t that way. After years and years of trying to get my family to be considerate of my aunt being gluten free… I’ve given up. I still tru to make sure that I always make sure that I have a gluten free option for my aunt, dye-free for my nephew and something vegan for my ex husband. But it’s impossible to cook for everyone’s restrictions.
YTA for lying around like a rug and then being upset that everyone walks all over you.
NTA
I have friends who’ve had similar issues getting pregnant and staying pregnant. It’s hard to see them suffer and struggle. I can’t do diddly to help them of ease their pain.
And believe it or not a lot of people don’t care about their pain.
Even their closest family (sister and brother). What helped them was surrounding themselves with people who support them. Friends,partners and strangers. For your own sake step away from people who hurt you so much. You deserve so much better.