There is a lot of additional context as a forewarning. Minor details changed.
Stephen (24M) was my (24F) high school boyfriend. I broke up with him our first year of college. Nothing happened between us after we broke up, and we remained cordial. We maintained mutual friends. He remained friendly and somewhat close with my family.
He asked me out again right before I moved. I declined, as I was not interested in dating him again. He started dating Shauna (23?F) a few months after. They are now engaged after dating for around a year, and are to be married in September.
I have been with my boyfriend Drew (24M) for almost a year. We are temporarily long distance due to our jobs at the moment (two-leg flight apart). Drew and Stephen were somewhat friends. They played DnD in college often.
This past weekend I was in a wedding, and Drew was my plus one. Stephen was in the groom’s party, so he and Shauna attended. Shauna and Stephen avoided me the whole wedding, but did talk with my bf Drew when I was occupied with bridal activities.
I offered for Shauna to sit at our table (with mutual friends – she knew no one else at the wedding) and she refused. I thought it was odd, since I was friendly with her in college and often invited her to my house, but I understood since I was Stephen’s ex.
After the wedding, Drew said he was excited for Shauna’s and Stephen’s wedding this fall. I explained I wasn’t expecting an invite based on how little we interacted. Drew was confused, because Stephen gave him a “save-the-date” at the wedding, and Drew assumed I would also be welcome by extension.
I later talked to my mom and found out Stephen had texted her a wedding invitation. He explicitly invited my mom, dad, and sister… and specified that I was not extended that invitation. I am not clearly not welcome at their wedding.
Honestly, I am not losing any sleep over not getting invited to my ex’s wedding. I was not expecting an invitation. But I am baffled they would be bold enough to invite my entire family and out-of-town boyfriend, and then intentionally exclude me. Our mutual friends who know the context of mine and Stephen’s previous relationship are equally confused by the snubbing.
Drew is not going (it would be a two-leg flight to where I live to attend their wedding. Then I guess they were expecting me to drive him to and drop him off at their wedding and then leave??). But Drew is nice to a fault. He still feels he should buy them a wedding gift, as is etiquette since he will not be attending.
Wedding etiquette be damned. Shauna and Stephen already deviated from etiquette when they invited my whole family and longterm boyfriend and purposefully banned me. But Drew says he feels that him and Stephen are friends, and that he should at least do that. I told him real friends wouldn’t put him in this position. I don’t think he should spend a dime of his money on them, and he disagrees. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Am I overreacting?
TLDR; boyfriend invited to wedding while I am explicitly not. He is not attending, so he still feels he should buy a gift. I think he shouldn’t due to lack of respect.
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Backup of the post’s body: There is a lot of additional context as a forewarning. Minor details changed.
Stephen (24M) was my (24F) high school boyfriend. I broke up with him our first year of college. Nothing happened between us after we broke up, and we remained cordial. We maintained mutual friends. He remained friendly and somewhat close with my family.
He asked me out again right before I moved. I declined, as I was not interested in dating him again. He started dating Shauna (23?F) a few months after. They are now engaged after dating for around a year, and are to be married in September.
I have been with my boyfriend Drew (24M) for almost a year. We are temporarily long distance due to our jobs at the moment (two-leg flight apart). Drew and Stephen were somewhat friends. They played DnD in college often.
This past weekend I was in a wedding, and Drew was my plus one. Stephen was in the groom’s party, so he and Shauna attended. Shauna and Stephen avoided me the whole wedding, but did talk with my bf Drew when I was occupied with bridal activities.
I offered for Shauna to sit at our table (with mutual friends – she knew no one else at the wedding) and she refused. I thought it was odd, since I was friendly with her in college and often invited her to my house, but I understood since I was Stephen’s ex.
After the wedding, Drew said he was excited for Shauna’s and Stephen’s wedding this fall. I explained I wasn’t expecting an invite based on how little we interacted. Drew was confused, because Stephen gave him a “save-the-date” at the wedding, and Drew assumed I would also be welcome by extension.
I later talked to my mom and found out Stephen had texted her a wedding invitation. He explicitly invited my mom, dad, and sister… and specified that I was not extended that invitation. I am not clearly not welcome at their wedding.
Honestly, I am not losing any sleep over not getting invited to my ex’s wedding. I was not expecting an invitation. But I am baffled they would be bold enough to invite my entire family and out-of-town boyfriend, and then intentionally exclude me. Our mutual friends who know the context of mine and Stephen’s previous relationship are equally confused by the snubbing.
Drew is not going (it would be a two-leg flight to where I live to attend their wedding. Then I guess they were expecting me to drive him to and drop him off at their wedding and then leave??). But Drew is nice to a fault. He still feels he should buy them a wedding gift, as is etiquette since he will not be attending.
Wedding etiquette be damned. Shauna and Stephen already deviated from etiquette when they invited my whole family and longterm boyfriend and purposefully banned me. But Drew says he feels that him and Stephen are friends, and that he should at least do that. I told him real friends wouldn’t put him in this position. I don’t think he should spend a dime of his money on them, and he disagrees. Am I wrong for feeling that way? Am I overreacting?
TLDR; boyfriend invited to wedding while I am explicitly not. He is not attending, so he still feels he should buy a gift. I think he shouldn’t due to lack of respect.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Send a gift that isn’t a gift…
Send a beautiful frame… with a photo of you and Drew in it.
Or send a glitter bomb.
Sate both your and Drew’s desires.
Okay, I get why they invited your boyfriend but please explain why they invited your parents and your sister?
That’s super weird!
Also, is your family going????
Absolutely do not get them a gift.
Shauna despises you and her spineless fiancé is going along with it, make no mistake.
I hope your family will decline this invitation by this petty, small couple who think purposeful exclusion is acceptable.
This is none of your business. You haven’t been with your boyfriend long enough to veto his decision to send them a gift.
I would love to hear Nick & Leah’s take on this wild situation on Were You Raised by Wolves. Clearly Shauna has some issues (insecurities) over you and Stephan feels obliged to go along to get along. I don’t see this marriage lasting. Regardless, no, Drew shouldn’t be sending a gift. These nice guys really need to prioritize their partners when someone is rude to them…especially when so overtly. Given the situation, I think it’s time for everyone close to you to take a step away from your ex. I understand people want to be friendly and probably feel good about that post-breakup, but this is getting bizarre. I’m glad that you’re so chill about it; makes it easier to do the ‘come on guys, this is just getting weird. Maybe we should just plan a family bbq instead’ 😎
If they had only invited Drew and not your entire family, I’d say send the gift. The fact that they made the conscious decision, as actual human being adults, to invite every single person related to you but explicitly exclude you – means they don’t deserve a gift from Drew in this instance. Because if Stephen is sooo close with your family, he can assert to his new wife that you also need to be invited so he can respectfully include everyone. Otherwise he should’ve left them out of the invites if it was really a hard line that you not be invited.
I would explain to Drew that while you understand he’s trying to be polite, their actions have crossed a line into feeling intentionally spiteful and you’d like to present a united front.
You should not send a gift
They purposely highlighted the exclusion
So, ettiquete is not part of this at all.
You and Stephen have a past.
At lease on his side of things, there are some circumstances that made him and the bride decde not to invite you. And from your comments on the last wedding you were at and part of, it was awkward and odd being around them.
Just because they do not have any relationship with you at all and just know you from college and being Stephen’s past GF, does not mean the have to invite you. But, if Stephen stayed in contact with your parents and family, he has just as much right to invite them as he wants to. It has nothing to do with you. You broke up with him. Your family was not part of that.
I am glad your current guy is staying behind with you, but it is up to him if he wants to send a gift or not. It is not up to you. Drew is going to have other friends that you may be friends with, aquainted with, or do not even know. IF one of the aquaitences or people you did not know had a wedding and he wanted to send gifts to them, he could do so. Not your call. It is not a thing of real friends or not, he is kind enough to want to do that.
There is no lack of respect her. You are taking it too personally. You have a past with Stephen. Would you want him at your wedding? Would you consider inviting his family? If you did invite his family it is no different than him inviting yours as your relationship with his parents and his relationship with yours has nothing to do with each of you. You can not dictate who people are friends with and how they will decide to either spend time with them or not. It is out of respect your guy is staying home. What more do you want?
He probably switched the stories and told her you wanted to date again. I had a guy do this to me but we never dated lol never even hooked up 😂 but his fiancé didn’t like me even tho we never met and I heard through mutual friends that he was claiming I wanted a relationship and he didn’t and that’s why we stopped being friends. Either way your boyfriend shouldn’t not send a gift. I doubt they will notice. And if they do who cares.
Why do you think you get a say in what your boyfriend does regarding a wedding to which you weren’t invited? Because you were disrespected?
Lady, you’re a loon and I can completely see why they don’t want anything ro do with you.
First of all you are NTA here. If hubby really feels like sending a gift to people who ignored you – he is free to select, purchase, wrap and send the gift. You don’t do anything.
I’m on the team of give them a petty ass wedding gift. Some ideas
I think you have the idea…..
Make them look as petty and insecure as they actually are… Buy them a beautiful gift and TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.
Do NOT show any sign of insecurity. It’s obvious that they are BOTH thinking about you… it’s pretty amazing that you’ve been normal after a break up and meanwhile… you apparently live rent free in their collective couple brain cells.
My response would be along the lines of “you do you, no one’s stopping you”.
And the “wedding etiquette” is bullshit. You have no obligation to contribute to a wedding gift you weren’t invited to.
It’s borderline disrespectful that he even asked you to considering Shauna’s ridiculous behavior.
I’d be very concerned if I were Shauna because my fiance isn’t over his high school ex. Awkward.
I thought you were being petty and ridiculous until he invited your mom, dad, and sister. Nah. Save your money that’s crazy
If he sends them a gift it should be a book on etiquette. Wtf invites their exes family to their wedding?
I absolutely understand your feelings and they are so very valid.
It is so weird that they sent invites to your family and handed one to your bf. It’s almost like he was an afterthought.
However, you are not married to your boyfriend nor do you live together. You also have separate finances. Couples do have separate friends and separate events, however to purposely exclude a long term significant other is disrespectful.
If he wants to send a gift, that’s on him. I would personally be hurt if my bf sent a wedding gift to my ex, but that’s me. I would have a discussion with your BF about this and hope that he sees your side and respects your feelings.
If he does send a gift, I would be adamant that your name not be included.
Okay hear me out. It’s fun to be petty and say f you and not send a gift. What’s more fun is actually getting under their skin by sending a gift from YOU and your boyfriend. I guarantee this will tick Shauna off more than you will ever know and that’s a win.
I don’t think you have any say in the matter unless you are expected to provide money or time or something else to it. Then you can decline. If he wants to send a present it would be on him. How you view him if he does send a present is something for you to figure out.
Updateme
I get how you feel, for sure. I don’t think you’re in the wrong.
But as someone getting married and struggling with a somewhat similar situation, I can see a hypothetical scenario where they maybe aren’t trying to be jerks, or I would if he was still close with your family.
I’ve been divorced for 7 years now but my ex and I still coparent amicably. We aren’t close but id say we are friendly.
I am still close with his parents and his sister. They have been a part of my life for almost 20 years and that doesn’t just go away. They are supportive of me and my daughters, love my fiance and I want to include them in our special day.
I’m leaning towards inviting his parents and sister to my wedding, but not my ex and his wife. I just don’t want them to be a part of that day and I’m fairly sure they don’t want to be either. Its nothing malicious or hateful. I just refuse to include them out of some sense of obligation when honestly, it’d make me uncomfortable to have them there.
I do think it’s odd that they invited your family and your partner certainly isn’t obligated to send a gift. However given the fact that he does seem to be friends with your ex independent of you, if he feels like he wants to send a gift, I wouldn’t stand in the way.
Shauna knows she’s second choice and doesn’t want you there and she wouldn’t even sit with you at the other wedding, even though she didn’t know anyone. Meanwhile Stephen is still mad and petty that his advances were rejected, so he deliberately invites your entire main social circle and excludes you, I’m sure to Shauna’s delight. Drew can send a gift as long as the card says it’s from the both of you. Meanwhile you’ll all be running into each other several times a year since your families are so close. That should be interesting. And if you and Drew marry I would not invite Stephen or Shauna, just all their friends and family, lol.
He should send a gift and wash his hands of them. Consider it money well-spent.
It is polite to send a gift. Ask that it be something from both of you, though.
He’s your boyfriend, not your husband or possession. He was invited to a friend’s wedding. Yes, he should send a gift or go. You being invited or not has nothing to do with HIS friendship or invite.
It’s not about YOU. It’s about him and the couple getting married.
You have a bf problem here. Anytime someone puts others feelings over their partners, it’s a red flag for me. It’s obvious what’s happening here and your bf is like, “Oh well let me send a gift” when he should ask his good buddy wtf is really going on, if it’s that deep.
I agree with you OP, fuck wedding etiquette. What kind of fucked up games is your ex playing? Inviting your family and bf and making it clear you aren’t invited, who does that? I hope your family declined and won’t be sending a gift either , rudeness and childish games should not be rewarded
He wants to give a present from himself to his college friend. Leave yourself out of it and let him do what he wants.
If he wants to send a gift he can. But it’s not up to you to shop for it, pay for it, or mail it.
It’s generally considered not a breach of etiquette to exclude the partner of a guest who fucked the bride or groom
I’m thinking that Shaun’s has “retroactive jealousy” and that’s why she acted the way she did at the wedding you both attended. “Pick me’s” are like this all the time from my observation.
So that’s her way of getting back at you for her “vain imaginings”.
So you essentially want Drew to end his friendship with Stephen because you didn’t get an invite to your ex’s wedding (and your family did)? Because that’s what the gift snub would be.
It’s hard to know how reasonable that request is without more information about the depth of their friendship, the seriousness of your relationship, etc. If you and Drew were married, and his friendship with Stephen wasn’t super close, then it would be a reasonable request. But given the facts as I understand them, I think it would make everyone’s lives easier for Drew to just send his buddy a gift and avoid potential drama.
Honestly, I’d tell your bf that he and your ex are no longer friends. If it weren’t for that wedding, they wouldn’t have interacted since college and likely wouldn’t have ever interacted again. I’d also say that if that alone isn’t enough to mean they’re no longer friends, that your ex going out of his way to invite him, and YOUR entire family but exclude you should mean that’s the end of their friendship. Tell him if he sends a gift that you’re done with him, because you refuse to be with someone who’d allow their “friends” to treat you like that, and then reward them for it. Which he’s doing by maintaining that friendship and sending a gift after they refused to invite you but invited your family.
If they hadn’t invited your family, then sure, he should send a gift and being friends despite your lack of an invite wouldn’t be an issue. It’s the fact that you alone were purposefully excluded that makes this the issue it is.
Why are you concerned what your BF wants to do for his friend’s wedding gift?
That man is still deeply in love with you and Shauna knows it 😅😂 they made it a point to invite your whole family and bf but you? Yeah that man is still in love with you and she wants you to feel less than. You’re not overreacting it sounds like they’re not even friends they just want you to feel purposely excluded
Hopefully op’s mom isn’t sending a gift either
I suspect that the block came from Shauna. She’s worried about competing with you. And tell your bf there is no obligation to send any gift.
Why do I feel like Stephen painted you as a crazy ex or something. Wouldn’t Shauna be happy you two are not together? Lol weirdos. Your bf needs to show them the same energy, I doubt he’d like it if the roles were reversed and the exclusion happened to him.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that their actions were deliberately done to hurt you. To make you feel excluded.
So he needs to back up and really ask himself why in the world he would be trying to support people that wanted to hurt you.
It is time for him to stop interacting with them. And it is time for him to tell him exactly why.
That what they did in excluding you by inviting him and your entire family was rude and inappropriate. That whatever problem they have with you, they should’ve been adults and discussed it.
But otherwise, they should have understood that your family is going to choose you. And that he is going to choose you.
What he should be doing is sending them a rescinded RSVP. Telling them that he won’t be coming, and why. And telling them both that it is best that they part ways at this point in time.
It was probably Shauna that didn’t want you to come, cut your bf some slack
I think you have to tell your bf that if he gives a gift, he is validating them for snubbing you. They invited your entire family and him and intentionally left you out. Your bf will be supporting that behavior if he sends a gift. That’s not cool.
Honestly, the fact is that you and your boyfriend are 2 entirely different humans and clearly ex’s wedding has nothing to do with you. Let your boyfriend do whatever he wants.
Do you want to make your boyfriend possibly have guilty or regretful feelings because you have a feeling about someone else’s wedding. YTA if you make this about you.
I would expect both my bf and family to miss the wedding and not sending a gift either. It would would send a message to your ex to fuck off and grow up
NTA. It is poor etiquette to invite one half of a couple, while also inviting the family of the one who’s excluded. They don’t deserve a gift from you. The bigger question is, why is your boyfriend not standing up for you? Why would he willingly go to an event where the hosts have deliberately snubbed his partner? He isn’t husband material, OP. Just saying.
If Drew wants to send a gift for his own peace of mind, you can’t stop him. What you can do, is make sure it’s explicitly from both of you so that you come across as the better person 😉
It’s none of your business what Drew does for his friend’s wedding, it has nothing to do with you. You don’t get to characterize their relationship as “they were somewhat friends.” Obviously he gets to decide for himself the status of his friendship and what he wants to do for his friend’s wedding without regard to your feelings. It has nothing to do with you.
I don’t think you get to dictate here, it is your boyfriend’schoice, and I think it’s fine. I get you’re angry, hurt, upset, whatever, but that doesn’t mean you get to control your boyfriend.
I guess the bride-to-be is worried you’ll grab her man and head for the hills!
I 100% guarantee that your ex has told Shauna that you still wanted to be with him, are still in love with him etc, even though it would appear to be him being a bit obsessed with getting Your attention.
You will be attending his next wedding don’t worry 😬
Actually, send them a gift and make sure they know it is from bf and YOU. Respond to their petty with class.
It’s his money. He can buy them a gift if that’s what he wants to do. Tell him not to put your name on the card.
If Drew wants to waste money for a gift, let him. This is a super weird scenario but not one where you need to die on a hill about.
What your boyfriend does as solely himself is his own business when it comes to gift giving. Honestly if it wasn’t for inviting the rest of your family, I’d say he’s right and should send something small, because he’s friends with the groom. But this added layer…how is your boyfriend not bringing this up? It seems like they’re wedding has a lot of focus on an ex girlfriend that isn’t even invited
no gift. your bf needs you to be number one. Shauna is the reason you are not invited
It’s up to Drew whether or not he wants to give a gift. He should be sure to sign it just from him and not from both.
nta. if this bf is more of a “it is how things are done” type of guy to a
dnd friend than a gf – he is not going to ever have your back.
gf v dnd friend?
girl, pass on this one as well.
It’s malicious, explain this to your bf. Tell him to get them a 5 dollar mug from goodwill or a garage sale or something from Facebook marketplace free. Nothing more than that. They are gift grabbing, targeting anyone they know in order yo get more gifts. Fuck that. You can’t ban him, but tell him if we ever get married they aren’t coming to the wedding. You take loyalty seriously.
Tell him to do whatever he wants as long as he doesn’t touch a dime of your money and to make sure you name isn’t anywhere on it. I would send them a partially used gift card with a note that had been run over by your car before sending.
Let the man send a gift. Be the bigger person here, OP. You are not shopping for the gift or paying for it. Drew sending the gift should nit be an issue for you. Let it go.
Ask your bf why he cares more about potentially hurting his college buddy feelings than actually hurting yours? Ask him why two people who disrespect you deserve more consideration and concern than you do? Why is he so adamant about rewarding these people for causing problems? Why does he care more about these people than he does you? Why is he clinging so, hard to someone who doesn’t care about him or they wouldn’t be purposely causing drama between the two of you? Is he always going to put other people’s and his own feelings over yours?
Why does he even want to be with you if he’s not willing to the bare basics of respecting you?
Is your mom sending a gift?
I understand that your boyfriend always wants to be a good guy. But sometimes you need to pick a side. When your ex decided to invite your BF and your family but specifically exclude you, he was trying to be malicious. Your BF should see this for what it is and be on your side.
Sometimes trying to be the good guy blows up in your face and you end up pissing everyone off. If your boyfriend sees a future with you, he should see how being the good guy in this scenario puts him in a bad spot.
Drew can rsvp his regrets. If he wants, he can send a small gift (maybe a $25 gift card?) or just a card sending his congratulations. You don’t sign gift of card.