My 15-year-old son is starting high school and doesn’t want to join the marching band. He’s more interested in continuing with soccer, which he’s really passionate about. The issue is that marching band is a huge time commitment, and doing both isn’t realistic. His mom is insisting he do marching band, even though he’s clearly not into it.
As his dad, I support his decision to stick with soccer. I don’t think forcing him into something he doesn’t want to do is healthy, and I worry it could backfire or make him resentful. I believe he should have some say in how he spends his time, especially when it comes to something as demanding as marching band.
Would love to hear others’ thoughts — am I being unreasonable here?
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i think, at his age, he should already know what he wants to do to de-stress.
I have kids myself, and i never ever for once forced them to do any school activities when it comes to sports or anything else, unless he really wants to do it.
Maybe find out from mom why she insists on him being in marching band and try to convince her? I don’t think you are unreasonable, and who knows? he might end up being a professional MLS player if he is really good at it?
Forcing a kid to do a sport is a great way to make them hate it
He should choose. You are not being unreasonable – especially as he can’t do both and both are worthwhile. Why does his mother want him to do band so much?
Marching band is great but it has no real long term value and isn’t required so if he doesn’t want to do it there’s no reason to make him. I’m very much a finish what you start guy but you should always be able to choose what you commit to.
Forcing your son into marching band when his heart is set on soccer could crush his enthusiasm and create lasting resentment he deserves the chance to pursue what fuels him.
Seems silly to force a kid to do something he doesn’t want to put effort in. Stick up for your kid and let your wife know how you feel
If there is only room for one, then he should get to decide
He should be allowed his voice at this age. My kids are grown and only did what they wanted to do – so one of them did marching band as her choice – the other did chorus as her choice.
As someone whose daughter joined band during middle school but quit because she didn’t want to do marching band I think this is his decision. He should be able to play soccer and no he shouldn’t be grounded for not wanting to do marching band.
As sad as I was with the things my daughter gave up, I needed to support her decision. She was the one participating, not me.
I told her first think about her reasons why and make sure they were valid and not “just cuz” reasons. I also reminded her that if she chose to stop doing them, it didn’t mean forever. If she gave them up but later had regrets then we could always go back to doing them.
Seems like the issue is mostly just “how do I get mom to chill out” which to be frank, you probably know better than internet strangers, you had a kid with the lady. I think, like most others have said, it makes the most sense to let your son choose which activity he wants to do. It’s not like he’s skipping marching band to stay at home and play video games, he just wants to do a different extra curriculur, which is equally as healthy/productive. Sounds like mom is dying on some weird control hill, but again, that’s on you to navigate haha
Your wife can have her opinion but that’s all it should be. Ultimately it’s up to him. You should always want your kids tk do what they’re passionate about. Not what you think they should do. Plus he can take soccer way further than he can marching band. Why’s your wife being so pushy?
The most important thing about being in a marching band is learning teamwork.
He can learn the same skill set in soccer.
You could remind her that soccer could also get him into college via scholarship.
Perhaps having a sit down with the guidance counselor at the high school would help her out. My son has done both soccer and track this year 9th grade. He’s loved and I’d support him in anything he wants to try.
At that age, it doesn’t matter what activity he does, as long as he is learning how to be coached, to accept being coached, to be told you’re doing something badly and then conjure the will to do it differently to get different results. That’s the important thing. So logically, doing an activity he actually likes will make it more rewarding. And you’re right, forcing an activity will only make him resentful. I imagine she thinks marching band will be less “toxic” than soccer. What is her argument?
This is such a sad question; I’m so sorry your son is going through this.
If I were your 15-year-old son, and I was (1) made to quit a sport I loved and expressed I wanted to keep doing, (2) was told that I must do an extracurricular that I didn’t want to do, and (3) I was told that I would lose privileges like your wife is saying she’ll do, I would give up all of those privileges and not quit the sport.
If I continued to get harassed and bullied into relenting, I’d give up everything and refuse to participate in the marching band (like, I would sit on the field and not move nor speak during every single practice).
Part of growing into an adult is learning how to stand up to bullies. I hope he stands up strong to his maternal bully. I hope his dad stands up to her as well.
Mom needs to back off. My wife and I raised 4 boys. We would never have tried to force an activity, sport, club or other commitment on them especially as old as your son is. Mom may damage her relationship with him if she doesn’t stop this madness and become a supportive parent. It’s time to start slowly letting go, stop being controlling, and allow his wings to spread.
I’m just wondering why his mom is so insistent on Marching Band, like what’s the play here.
My parents forced me and I’m thankful for it. It absolutely made my high school experience a million times better. There is a sense of community that’s built before school even starts. I also can understand wanting to let him make that decision. Maybe tell him one year and if he hates it he can quit?
He’s old enough to decide for himself.
Didn’t I see your son’s post today? It was a 14-year-old who wanted to quit marching band, but because of the destructive politics of the department.
Anyway, your son is old enough to know what he wants to do and what he doesn’t want to do.
Does your wife have any idea how much commitment is required for marching band? Not just that, if your son hates it, he will not want to practice…which is necessary.
He should be pursuing something he enjoys. It’s about him…not your wife. If he is over extended with extra curriculars, his marks will drop. Marks are still important to get into post secondary institutions.
in high school, my parents told me I could decide what extracurricular I was apart of, but I HAD to do something after school. I could work a part-time job, participate in a sport, or pursue music. They did not want me coming home and sitting on the couch after completing homework. I feel like this is a fair trade for your child to be involved with something outside of school, but I think its fair to support and help guide your child on what they want to do. He wants to do soccer, let the kid do soccer.
Think of it this way, he is at the age where he needs to be developing decision making skills for himself. If he is constantly told what to do, like his mother insisting that he do marching band, or classes to take, clubs to be a part of, how else is he going to learn to make decisions for himself? He’ll either be resentful because he wants to make those choices for himself or he will not gain confidence of making choices for himself.
The fuck is so important about marching band to your wife?
Your wife is being unreasonable. As long as your kid is keeping his grades up and staying out of trouble, what’s the big deal about what extracurricular he chooses?
I wanted to do hockey. For many very valid reasons, that wasn’t possible and I was put in soccer. Outdoor, not arena like I enjoy. The arena league was out for many of the same reasons as hockey. Truthfully, I’d rather have not done anything. I tried to stick with it. By the second season, I turned into a mini goon. Yes, I was throwing checks in a girl’s league 😂 or asking to sit out games. I hated it. I would have rather them gotten me a new skateboard and just let me do my own thing.
I appreciate that they did try to find a compromise. And I appreciate even more that they didn’t fight me when I said I wanted to quit. I tried to make it work to make them happy. I was utterly miserable. Had they forced me to continue, there would have been resentment. A lot of it. I was already fighting undiagnosed bipolar, so the being miserable wasn’t helping the moods any. I do regret not quitting after the first year. The only thing they wouldn’t let me do is quit mid season. The whole follow through on your commitment thing. And I was ok with that. But truth be told, if it wasn’t a summer league, I would have crashed me graded into the toilet on purpose to get out of it.
I just put more time into skateboarding after. Wasn’t an organized sport, but I was happy. And that’s what they wanted.
Wish my area had hockey camps and leagues like the one I live in now does. Then it would have been doable.
The neighborhood kids did pick up games on asphalt instead of ice. I was the funniest little goon you ever would have seen 😂 Probert was awesome. 😂😂
15 is too old to be forced into a cocurricular activity you don’t like by your mother. He has an alternative which will have him outside, running around, staying fit & healthy. Tell your wife to stop being so controlling and trying to live vicariously through your son.
He is a young adult. He is outgrowing the need for all his activities to be directed by his caregivers. He also needs to be accountable for his choices
and realize they have consequences . Is price of lost privileges worth doing soccer to the exclusion of band? As adults we all run into these types of choices where an authority figure dictates something and we either comply or suffer consequences . Sometimes the consequences are worth it , sometimes not.
Personally I think what your wife is doing is a huge mistake, but bosses, significant others, law enforcement and other authority figures make mistakes too and we have to decide to have the fortitude to resist or comply or compromise.
Yeah, you need to get her to back off as she will screw him up, if she hasnt already as thats very overbearing to make him at 15, do an extracurricular over another extracurricular that he actually likes and then will have consequences if he doesnt do what she wants. This is a time where he doesnt need to be told exactly what to do but be guided instead if you know what I mean. I dont like to say break with the wife and back him over her but this is one of those circumstances where you really need to figure out a way to do exactly that as she is out of pocket on this.
Maybe even go to a therapist with the three of you if she is unwilling to bend at all or talk to a couple guidance counselors on how much band really matters or not etc and dont let her “bully” them into saying what she wants to hear.
Is mom banging the band teacher? Why would she care so much? Great story
As an educator and former high school coach, let your kid pick. Kids need to do some kind of activity, but let him decide.
If she wants him to learn music, get him piano or guitar lessons
On another note, lotsa students join marching band their sophomore year, so he can change if he wants to.
Nope nope nope. Never force your kid into an extracurricular they don’t want to do, especially if it conflicts with one they really want to do.
Sincerely, the former child who was forced to play violin for 12 years (starting at age 3) and hated every second of it. Not worth it.
My dad wanted me to play football. So I did. For years. Running back and line backer (pop Warner then high school). Small but fast. Got the tackles and and got some touchdowns too. I was good at it but I hated it. Then I got skateboard and never payed a another organized sport again. Just me and my friends. No coach. No practice. I loved it. So I started filming. Made some skate videos. The. Studies film in college. Now I’m a professional cinematographer and have traveled the world, seen every continent (besides Antarctica). When my dad was on his death bed , we had a good heart to heart, the kind you write in a movie and he told me he was proud of me and happy I didn’t listen to him. The birds gotta leave the nest at some point and learn to fly.
As a former marching band student, it’s a huge huge commitment. Every weekend will be completely taken up from start to finish especially during the competition season. I had practice every single day for hours after school for 5 months then had to travel for competitions every weekend that last all day just to play a 5 minute song. If he doesn’t want to do this he’s going to be absolutely miserable and more than likely start acting out as any teenager would. I loved marching band but even I grew resentful of how much time it took away from a normal highschool experience and how many weekends I missed out with friends especially since I was balancing a full time job as well. Don’t make him do it, let the kid play soccer. Whatever his mom thinks marching band will give him, soccer can do that too and he’ll actually be happy.
Is your wife satisfied with the thought of forcing him to do an activity that doesn’t make him happy? This is so weird to me. He loves soccer, so what’s wrong with him focusing on the thing he loves? And what’s your wife’s reasoning for it? Just some dream she has for him or something?
He’s plenty old enough to decide for himself. My only rule in my house is for my kids to have at least one hobby. Just one that either keeps them active or builds a skill. Laziness runs badly in my family and I want to do my best to not raise super lazy kids. Since your son has something he’s passionate about, it’s not okay in my opinion to make him focus his attention elsewhere.
If you’re comfortable with it, show your wife these comments. I think a strong majority will say that your son has the final choice here.
If he doesn’t want to, he shouldn’t do it. I was in marching band for all four years of high school and it’s a huge commitment.
He’s 15, he has a sport he wants to do. Mom should let him choose soccer over band, unless her goal is to make him miserable or there’s some reason that soccer is bad for him.
Marching band is a time suck and not really fun. Playing soccer car get him into College as well.
Meh, the “help get into college” part is just so incorrect.
As someone who really wishes they appreciated music as much as I do now when playing basketball/football in middle/high school I wish I knew.. I feel like that’s the route to explain.. I didn’t end up going to college, but not because I couldn’t get in but because it wasn’t for me and I have a great career now. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I was pushed to something I didn’t want to do.
I would be interested to know how into music your son is. I feel also doing both for a season could help him decide what he enjoys more overall and teach hard work and commitment.
But I’m an idiot so.
Let ur kids decide what they want to do.
My only rules are that they have to do something and once they commit to a team they have to finish the season.
The things they choose have to kind of add up to be something physical, something mental, and something social. Thats usually 2 or 3 things but I guess it could be 1 thing if they found a group that plays chess while in spin class.
Basically every team sport counts as social, so do most clubs like chess, model un, etc. mental can be anything with playing an instrument, chess or other clubs that are academic in nature, or even setting a goal to read 20 books that year or something. Physical is obviously any sport but can also be gym 3 times a week or running or anything like that.
I hope you can get her on the better page for you and your son’s sake.
this is *NOT* good parenting. Parents move heaven and earth for the things their kids have passion for.
TBH this suggestion seems so Back to the Future in nature I have to wonder where it comes from.
there is already too much stress on kids for unecessary and unrealistic stuff. He does not need midwestern mom energy hanging over him.
So he’s punished if he doesn’t do it, and he’s punished by having to do a thing he doesn’t want to do.
I think this is a good example of parents forcing their idea of who a person should be onto their kid.
Being generically well rounded isn’t gonna get a kid into college. There aren’t scholarships for being in the band, that I know of.
I had a son in high school football and a daughter in high school marching band.
Marching band was a better option. Encourage it, but in the end, my kids decided.
It will definitely backfire. Best way to create as much distance as possible as quickly as possible between his mom and him…
Also, no offense, but in my experience, marching band is a sure way to get bullied, so it’s definitely something you should go to if you WANT and are comfortable dealing with the consequences… (bullying is bad and what you do shouldn’t be a concern to anyone but yourself… but we all know that unfortunately to this day there are still a number of parents and students who feel okay with bullying others…)
as the child of a band director that was forced to do band my first year of high school, let the kid pick his elective.
After graduating I found out all the dorks in the band were banging each other while the rest of us were after the attractive girls.
So let him know if stays in the band it will be easy to get laid but it’s definitely won’t be with anyone you’d want to be seen with.
Say son “do you want to go ugly early?” And that will get you the answer.
You support your son, he knows what he wants.
As for your wife, she should listen to her son.
He’d hate it. Was it something she did?
Is there a reasonable argument that marching band is significantly more appealing to colleges than soccer? I’m not sure I’m buying that.
Your wife is wrong to force your adolescent son into doing a time-consuming extracurricular in which he has no interest.
One thing you may wish to point out is that the academic expectations schools place on students ramp up significantly between 8th and 9th grade; the transition is anything but gentle. Our child was a straight A student in middle school with no effort, despite having 2+ hours of homework each night. So when her high school held a parent orientation in which they warned all of us that high school would be much, much harder, we weren’t concerned.
We’re now in the second semester of the 9th grade. She has more than double the amount of homework she had last year. Her high school “tracks” students in multiple subjects, with no less than four separate tracks per grade in math, and 30% of the students in the highest math track have dropped down to her track (3rd highest) because they couldn’t pass their exams. She transferred into the highest biology track a few weeks into the academic year at her teacher’s recommendation and has regretted it ever since; biology alone is a minimum of one hour of homework per weeknight, and double that on weekends. She has a minimum of four hours of homework each weeknight and at least twelve hours of homework each weekend. Most of her friends dropped out of some or all extracurriculars midway through the Fall semester because they could not continue them and keep up with their homework assignments. Our child insisted on keeping two extracurriculars (Track, Robotics) but was losing so much sleep to keep up with her work that last month we finally insisted that she drop one of them.
If Marching Band is a significantly greater time commitment than soccer, and your child’s school does not allow students to opt out later in the year, that alone is a reason for your child not to join. Participation in Marching Band will hardly help with college admissions if his grades drop as a result.
I did marching band all throughout high school and college. I loved it, but it was my “thing”.
Marching band is a huge time commitment, and if you force him to do it against his will you will kill any passion he has for making music. It will become a chore, and you will kill something inside of him. Don’t do it.
God. I remember when I quit band in high school rhe and teacher came and found me and informed he changed my schedule. It was decades after highschool before I picked up an instrument again.
He’s old enough to know what he wants. Let him try things out. Youre in the right here.
I was in marching band, I hated it. I liked playing concert trumpet and learning to play, and I still play occasionally, but marching band can suck both my balls and my life would not have been any different if I hadn’t been it. God I hated it so much.
If he likes girls at all, he should probably stick with soccer lmfao. Why tf would she want him to do marching band. It’s embarrassing and lame. Totally understand why he wouldn’t want to do it. ESPECIALLY if it would stop him from doing the extracurriculars he actually enjoys and may excel at.
On one hand Soccer is cool and he should do what makes him happy.
On the other hand band girls are freaks and you get to spend a lot of time with them. Lots of friends made as well. Also, free entry to all football games, which is a nice perk.
I played co-ed Tennis and did band so I got the best of both worlds.
He will end up resenting his mother so if that what she wants good luck to her . Yees let your son do soccer
Has your wife considered how forcing your son to do this will damage her relationship with him? He’s old enough now to remember this for his whole life.
My parents forced a lot of things on me as a teen unnecessarily (including weirdly soccer at one point) & ignored the things I wanted. I don’t have much of a relationship with them now at 41. Parents who struggle to let go of control in developmentally appropriate ways end up damaging their future relationship with their kids a lot.
He’s old enough to decide for himself. What will get him into college is good grades and extracurricular’s he enjoys. Not sticking with an activity because his mom is forcing it.
Yeah. At his age I had been picking all my activities for years. My parents were the gatekeepers of transport and finances so I had to clear it with them of course, but they weren’t telling me what to pursue only if they could swing it or not.
I think the only one who should decide this is your kid. What’s wrong with mom?
He’s 15, he’s old enough to voice what he does and doesn’t want.
Depends on the instrument. I’d your wife insisting on a particular one or letting son pick? He could pick the drums
But the kid should get the choice. It’s his life.
Since he is just starting school the compromise should be he gets to play soccer this year. Grades etc need to stay up and let him do it a year.
My BIL did play the trombone in marching band. He did get a partial scholarship. He also doesn’t play anymore.
He could do soccer and then do music lessons? Forcing a teenager to do anything that they don’t need to is just a bad idea.
I think he’s old enough to choose. I had one that did marching band every year except the last year he only did one semester cause he graduated a semester early. The second kid did orchestra and ended up being the first bassist to win all state in our state ever.
The third kid decided he didn’t want to do band at all despite having been playing an instrument since he was little. He wanted to do clubs, have a job and do more social things. I let him choose and it’s worked out perfect for him.
At 15 I have to agree with the dad on this they need to let mom know he’s getting to big to not have a say in how he spends his time and energy
My father made me play basketball when I was in highschool through a mixture of threats and guilt.
“You are going to use the gift that God gave you,” he would say.
I still resent him for it. Give your child agency, they are not your property or an extension of your self.
Let your kid lead.
He can always change his mind if soccer doesn’t work out.
Why? What’s her motivation? Was she in marching band? Does she want to be a band parent? That’s another huge time commitment. Does she have something against soccer?
This is your son’s time in life to begin to find himself. It seems almost cruel not to let him and there will definitely be a price to be paid in the quality of relationship he has with his mom going forward.