I (24F) don’t know how to say this or introduce context but… my fiancé (23M) thinks I’m an alcoholic. I’m looking for objective opinions- I do not just want people to agree with me because I’m a woman or whatever.
Here it is:
ANYTIME I drink, my fiancé visibly gets in a bad mood. Even if I have just one “wine cooler” (like 3.5%). We are just out of college. My tolerance is very high. I can drink around two 13% beverages and feel okay (with around a 0.02%BAC according to the breathalyzer he bought-yes he bought a one specifically for me).
THE THING IS- if he knows I’ve been drinking, he comments on how annoying I’m being; however, if I have consumed a similar amount of alcohol without his knowledge & am acting the same way he doesn’t say a thing.
it seems his outburst are tied to knowing I have been drinking
I know he has trauma related to drinking (his dad made him blow in his car breathalyzer as a kid) & he just doesn’t see it favorably. That said, he still enjoys some “vodka neat” aka just straight chilled vodka in a glass every now and then. (Like shots of vodka just in a tall glass)
my family is the type to drink together at every family occasion. we get together and share bottles of wine & other spirits & consume them together even if we wouldn’t drink that much regularly. when he came to visit all of them, he left early because I was being “SO ANNOYING” (his words)
the “annoying” VERY MUCH puts my fiancé off. he gets so angry (truly ANGRY) when he realizes I’ve been drinking. however, if he doesn’t know then he doesn’t say anything.
I just don’t know how to handle any of this. I need advice. I need legitimate mature opinions and advice please
Comments
BOOO. THIS GUY SUCKS. – mature opinion.
If you two are engaged then I would suggest counseling from a professional for this. As you mentioned he has some serious trauma from this and you have no problem with the behavior. Those two views will not work out long term. I am married to an alcoholic and chose to overlook it before we got married or thought she would calm down as we got older but she never did and now she does her best to hide it and doesn’t think I notice but her drinking is measured in gallons of vodka a week. You don’t mention how much you drink but it sounds like it’s fairly often and long term that won’t work for your fiancé.
You need to talk to him, because eventually there will be a breaking point and you will snap at his comments, and I don’t blame you one bit..
Go to ten AA meetings and listen. Then YOU decide if you’re an alcoholic.
I could NEVVVVVERRR
He has trauma based around a loved one drinking. You are legit in that he over reacts. But he is legit because trauma is real. I think going to a marriage councilor or just shared appointments together at a therapist. then some alone for him to work through his issues. Be aware this could be the thing that ends your relationship if he can’t let his trauma go and you won’t stop drinking to humor him. Y’all really need therapy to meet somewhere that works for you both.
> according to the breathalyzer he bought-yes he bought a one specifically for me).
OP this is waaaay to intrusive and controlling, you’re not annoying and not an alcoholic this is about him trying to bring you down in a way that doesn’t seem like he’s trying to do that.
Guarantee if you stop drinking there will just be some other ‘problem’ for him to angry with you about
It sounds like you two don’t fit. You are regular moderate drinker who is an occasional social heavy drinker.
Stop drinking for a week. drink a couple of non alcoholic wine coolers around him (disguised as the alcoholic variant) See if he says you are annoying. If so, it is all on him.
It sounds like he has some trauma that is overflowing into the relationship. If you do the test above and he reacts the same, then you KNOW for fact that it is on him.
At that point, my statement is tell him, “Get counseling or get out”
Prove to him your not. Go 2 weeks without alcohol and show him. If you can’t do it though then maybe he has a point
Why did he ask you to marry him if he knew you drank alcohol. It sounds like it’s something you and your family enjoy. Is he trying to control you and alienate you from your family? Hypocritical of him to criticize you when he also drinks. If he feels that way about his partner drinking, he should be dating a teetotaler.
How often do you have get togethers with your family? If it’s every weekend or every other weekend, yeah, I see why he’s annoyed. Just because your family all gets drunk together doesn’t mean you have to.
Your bf/fiances trauma has resulted in him being overly sensative to alcohol in general.
He can’t stand you drinking he has shown it with his behaviour. He won’t tell you to stop drinking so he is trying to do it in otherways by deminishing your self esteem.
“You’re annoying” for example.
I don’t think you are on the same page here. And I dont think he will ever change even with therapy. His dislike of alcohol/drinking was ingrained during childhood. It may not change at all. Even with therapy.
If you can’t be 100% yourself with your partner then is it worth being in a relationship with him? If he can’t stand drinking and leaves events early it will only cause more problems between you two. If he keeps putting you down your own sense of self will suffer. It’s not okay.
I don’t see this as someone is right and someone is wrong. Some couples have very different drinking habits and have no issues, but in my experience they are a rarity. Most couples I know in this situation have issues. Who wants to stay at a party till 4am completely sober surrounded by wasted people and who wants to go home at 9pm on New Years eve. So for me I would never be with a party animal or a teetotaller. I want a partner with similar drinking habits. Not necessarily the same, but similar.
I would not marry someone who is critical of something I enjoy. It will become a resentment.
He’s controlling and a bully
Jesus. Run as far as you can.
Is he controlling in any other ways, or just this one thing?
Your drinking doesn’t sound excessive, and the issue seems more about your fiancé’s unresolved trauma and emotional reactions than your actual behavior. His anger when he knows you’ve been drinking versus when he doesn’t is a sign it’s about perception, not your actions.
It sounds like he has the issue not you. This could be a deal breaker in your relationship if not given full attention by both of you. I think an impartial person may benefit the situation. Basically he needs therapy and likely will refuse. So you could try calling it pre marital counseling and bring up the issue and hope it leads to his individual counseling. Otherwise you’re looking at a life without alcohol which isn’t terrible but seems unnecessary since it’s his issue. It’s pretty disrespectful to call you annoying for doing something he doesn’t approve of to begin with and it makes me wonder what other control issues he may have or be hiding. Especially coming from a dysfunctional family like his.
Do not marry this person. This is abuse.
He’s gonna try to drive you to drink in secret so he will have proof you’re an alcoholic, he’s manipulating you or gaslighting something. I don’t think good of him.
I understand both perspectives. He has trauma surrounding alcohol. But if you aren’t belligerent around him it feels almost unfair to put this on you. As someone who doesn’t drink it’s not the easiest being around people that do drink. Especially if they try to push it on me. That being said I think you two should be able to have some type of middle ground. Maybe you only drink so much around him or you don’t drink around him at all. If alcohol is that big in your life where you wouldn’t consider not consuming around him then reconsider if the relationship is worth continuing. If you get married it’ll just get worse. It’ll become a bigger issue.
At the end of the day I think you need to have a serious conversation and see where you can meet in the middle. Hope that’s helpful.
This is a present and future problem that is only going to get worse not better, time to do some serious thinking about future with him. I’m sorry but if you’re asking opinion on Reddit you already suspect the answer.
Sorry but this guy is so damaged you’re in for a horrible life with him. Save yourself.
I hate to say it but I don’t think you guys are compatible. He is clearly uncomfortable with alcohol and he doesn’t understand the difference between someone being drunk once in a while vs. an alcoholic. Sounds like he needs to be with someone who rarely drinks at all, just like him. He is going to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells whenever you feel like drinking and it’s going to build up resentment. I enjoy drinking too. My family is the same way. We get drunk together. It’s fun. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who judged me for it
It sounds like he had more childhood trauma than he claims. For someone accused of being an alcoholic, you don’t drink much. In my opinion, the problem is his. He should be in therapy, figuring out how he got so concerned and why.
How many do you drink a week? Do you ever black out? Get sick? How often would you say you are drunk?
This will give a better idea if you have a problem or not. But he’s being super evasive it break up, but still reflect in your drinking habits I guess.
Okay, wait. He drinks straight vodka occasionally, but you can’t drink a wine cooler without being annoying (how? What is he calling annoying?)and an alcoholic? Something is not quite right there. I see a really big red flag with this. It’s okay if he drinks, but not you. I would do the test someone already mentioned, substituting a similar non alcoholic beverage and see how he reacts. If he says anything at all, it’s about control. Time to go if this is the case.