I’m a pretty boring person. My idea of fun is just hanging out with my wife and pets or alone at home. I don’t have a lot of friends and very rarely hang out with them due to social and good old fashioned regular anxiety.
I’m turning 40 in a couple of months and my wife keeps asking what I want to do for my birthday. I don’t know. I have thought about it but I have a really hard time making myself a priority or the focus of anything. I keep my birthday secret for this reason and very few people know about it. I guess I have some for lack of a better word trauma around my birthday.
As a kid we moved a lot due to my dad being in the military and it was always in the summer and my birthday fell on when we were moving, like we are in a hotel in the process of moving on my birthday kind of deal. So it always was eclipsed by what was happening, and while some of the situation was obviously not purposeful looking back I feel like some more effort from my family would have helped. The day also just seems to be a shit magnet as I’ve had a few friends and family die on my birthday, so I kind of like just ignoring it to feel safe I guess?
My personal TED talk aside I don’t really know what I’m looking for from y’all besides maybe some insight as to what you guys did and or think would be a good idea? The idea of wanting to make a big-ish deal about it definitely lives in my head, it’s a big milestone and I never do anything or have anything done for myself. But these ideas are also being smothered by the insecure part of me at the same time.
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I done absolutely nothing for my 40th last year simply because that’s what I wanted. Do whatever you want mate and I hope you enjoy it.
For my 40th last fall, my wife and I flew to NYC and went to a couple shows on Broadway and to a football game. Maybe take a little trip with just the two of you to do something you enjoy.
I just turned 40 last week. It was literally just like every other day. I don’t like anybody to make a big deal about me on my birthday. My wife knows this and we literally played basketball for a couple of hours and treated it like a normal night. Do what makes you happy. That’s what I did. Chill evening with the people you love. Hopefully your wife understands that.
My 40th was during covid. My wife arranged neighbors to all sing and sent around cake. I hated it. I hate public stuff.
If I could do anything I’d take a week and go somewhere expensive alone. Go see a band I like. Nofx had their final shoe a few years ago and I really regret not ever seeing them. I’d probably try to find another version of that.
Do whatwver YOU want.
My partner took me out to a nice dinner. But then I qent out alone. Hit up some nice bars and kinda spoile myself.
I told the bartender and some strangers it was my 40th and got some free drinks!
It was great!
My wife planned a backyard party at a friend’s house and invited a ton of friends and family. It was basically the same thing that happens at this friend’s house every weekend in the summer anyway, the only difference was I got to choose the music all night. It was perfect for me.
I went to Cancun. Told people to come or not.
Do what you want and … you’re young and if you want to rewrite the story of your birthday with something a little different, maybe you’d like that. You are special and you matter a lot.
Ultimately, it’s your birthday. Do what you want. Maybe go have a nice dinner and / or show or something. Comedy shows can be good fun that very little is expected of you. However, if your perfect day is spending time with your wife and pets, do that.
Outside of that, I do want to say I feel you when it comes to social anxiety but for my own long term mental health I will try to prioritize my relationships with my friends even if it’s just a weekly text to check in with them. Having a significant other that you love to spend time with is amazing, but having friends, people that you can connect with in different ways is really rewarding and at least for me a requirement for my mental health. Being able to talk with other men that are in similar point in their life is monumental IMO for getting perspective on my own life and gives me a chance to enjoy other hobbies and other things in my life that my wife doesn’t necessarily enjoy in a social setting. Obviously everyone is different and you should do you but don’t let fear and anxiety stop you from being fulfilled
Everyone is going to have different answers here because everyone’s tastes are different. What are the things that make YOU happy? do those things. Be it a coke fueled bikini party on a yacht or drinking a glass of wine at home and catching up on The Crown. No one is going to know better what you enjoy than you.
I’ve spent each of my last few birthdays doing an adventure. Usually going to the local Zoos, which is nice since we have like 4 near by. Went to Portland for my 40th, went to the Oregon Zoo, and did a lot of touristy things with my fiancée. It was a lot of fun.
Last year I was laid in bed, for my 41st with Crohn’s. Ended up watching Star Trek most of the day, and had a small gathering with family.
I’ve never really done anything for my birthdays except go eat locally with just the wife and kid and I was fine with that. For my 50th my family decided to make a big deal out of it and they came from out of state and we went to a nice restaurant ànd the in-laws came as well. It was actually kind of nice to make a big deal out of that one because we never really have events where everybody’s involved like that. So you should probably make a big deal out of this one and just keep that to every 10 years
My wife threw a very nice party at a brewery. It was nice because all my friends showed up and 40 can be a tough one to swallow.
Make a list of things you’d like to do in life or places you’d like to go. Doesn’t need to be anything or anywhere exotic and wild, just a list from your own thoughts and wishes. Then, randomly pick one or two from the list and go with it. Don’t worry about others, don’t expect anyone to be on board; just go for your own adventure and enjoyment.
Air Force brat, myself. I’ve disliked my birthday since I was a teenager due to family loss.
I had a cookout for my 40th. I sent out invitations with Voltron raising up a cake, put the end time as ?, and I grilled food all day for my friends and neighbors. My wife asked if she could take over so that I could spend time with my friends. I told her that they could come to me, and that I’d hang out with them after they were all fed. I had my whiskey, and I got to make a lot of people happy with food that I had prepared. I got exactly what I wanted, and I was happy.
Happy 40th, and I hope that you’re happy in whatever you choose to do
For my 50th, I decided to check something off my bucket list. I wanted to see the Milky Way naked eye, under very dark skies. My wife, dog and I rented an AirBnB in the middle of nowhere New Mexico and did just that. No parties for me…just thought I’d share.
That first paragraph sounds so familiar to me. Oh yeah, it’s my life story.
I’m the same, had a party for my 30th which was ok.
Weekend break in Copenhagen for 40th and absolutely loved it
When I turned 40, I was pretty bummed about it. This is coming from someone who sings praises about how your 30s are better than your 20s. I didn’t celebrate at all. I had my SO (now wife) over and we spent a quiet day in together.
Since then, I’ve stopped making a big deal of my birthday. It’s just another day to me. I turn 49 later this year and still don’t really celebrate my birthday. The most we do is my wife cooks something she knows I love and we go and buy a nice cake from the bakery section of the grocery store.
It feels like existential dread about how late I am in life. I let my family make a fuss over me but I don’t like parties. I just spend the time with my wife and kids.
All that to say that in the end, you do what YOU feel like you want to do. If you want a party, then ask your SO to help plan it out. If you want to spend a quiet day, that’s also your prerogative. Don’t do what you think others expect you to do. It’s your day. I can be a big deal but it’s okay if it’s not.
I think you’re taking a good approach and self-reflecting on it.
Here are some questions that I can think of that might help you clarify what to do:
How much of wanting to do something for your 40th is coming from expectations from others? From expectations of yourself? From a genuine desire to celebrate?
If you think the trauma from growing up / death is blocking your ability to access your desire to celebrate yourself to a significant degree, or your ability to even know how much of an impact it might be having, is that something you want to work through or something that you are content with (either for now or for the foreseeable future)?
If you want to work through the trauma, what does that look like for you? Does it look like pushing yourself to plan a celebration as a form of exposure to discomfort with the intention to grow in line with the goals you have for yourself? Does it look like a delayed celebration and working on it in therapy or some other venue?
If you are content with the state of affairs for now, what would taking care of yourself and honoring yourself on your birthday look like void of all expectations that you view as imposing upon your genuine desire? Day with Wife? Completely alone doing some valued activity? In what ways can you take steps to make this outcome a reality? Then , how might you deal with the expectations that might conflict with or impede upon this outcome?
Congratulations on 40, my dude. Best wishes to you and yours.
Have your wife plan something.
Don’t do anything man. Eat some good food and chill out with the fam.
Last year for my (not a ‘milestone’ birthday, but aren’t they all milestones?🤔 “I’m still here, world”), I went to a museum with my husband. I’d been trying to get him to go for months, and this time he couldn’t refuse me. It’s a history museum with really great exhibits about many cultures, including Grecian statuary and Egyptian mummies! (Yes, this is exciting to me 🤓). We spent a couple of hours, and he loved it.
Then we went to the big bookstore that I rarely get to, and I got to spend some time browsing. I rarely buy new books, preferring used, but I love the huge newsstand and my husband “bought” me (it all comes out of the same account) a few mags and books. Then we went to a quiet dinner.
It was perfect. What I like best is time with him, and museums / books / history are some of my big interests, so I had a magical day. Didn’t spend much, but as the old MasterCard ad used to say…Priceless.
Whatever you like to do will be fine with anyone who loves you (or it should be). It doesn’t have to be a huge thing even for your 40th. But it’s good to celebrate you, and all that you’ve survived / accomplished / created / lived. 🌞
And I’m sorry that your bday has been overlooked in the past. My husband’s is 12/28, and the week between Christmas and new years means that people are traveling so it’s impossible to plan an event or party, and sometimes, sadly, people do forget. I always strive to make his day important for the guy who grew up feeling like it’s “just another day”. Please don’t ignore yours. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, but it’s always nice to mark the occasion.
Have a beautiful day, whatever you decide to do. 🥳
All I did was grill 2 tomahawk steaks and some Italian sausages for my 40th. Just my wife and kids. 🤷♂️
My birthday is just dinner at a favorite restaurant with my family. I’m fortunate enough to have grown kids I’m close to (emotionally and geographically) and a wonderful wife. I don’t care much for celebrations of me or for being the center of attention. But if my birthday is the reason for an evening or delicious food, a drink or two, and the company or my absolute favorite humans, I’ll take it.
So I don’t have anyone ever ask me what I want to do since I am single. I have a mental list of things I think would be cool to do. Whenever there is a milestone event that people expect you to do something. I pull something from the list. I went to Hawaii for my 40th. Just chilled. Rented a motorcycle and rode around the island. Swam with Manta Rays.
Go somewhere and plan to relax. See what is there when you get there.
I would say take a solo trip somewhere. Enjoy the solitude at your own pace. If thats not in the budget, i would go out to eat somewhere alone, i find it peaceful, specially if its a fancy restaurant!
I feel you. I hate my birthdays. Always have. I don’t like attention and the pressure to make a spectacle once a year is my nightmare. I turn 40 in June; but I’ve had a terrible year (lost my dad and sister within 6 months of each other, got broken up with after an 8 year relationship, and work is drying up) I don’t really have anything to “celebrate” besides the fact that I’m another year closer to death. Not sure what my plan is, might go skydiving (haven’t done that since I was 19) might do a solo camping trip, not too sure. But it’s slowly creeping up and I’m at a loss as well…so obviously that doesn’t help your situation but I just wanted to let you know your not alone in your sentiment regarding birthdays. Good luck.
My wife forced me to have a party which I regretted. Wish I’d not bothered
Sub to /r/AskMenOver40 obviously.
Take a trip to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or somewhere you’d like to revisit. Find tours or activities in the area you and your wife can make memories of.
I had the house to myself, took acid, danced, went on walks with the dog, and looked at photos from my life.
Then, I also started signing for some activities to enrich and change my life– improv, dance, etc. It was totally worth getting into new things, and it was a sort of gift to myself at 40 which will help my whole future.
GoCarts and sushi sounds like a fun fortieth birthday to me.
Take lsd and play laser tag
I didn’t do anything for most of my birthdays. I took myself out to a nice meal, thought about my life, and that was the extent of it. I didn’t have a partner or kids or friends to spend it with. My life is different now, but I still remember those times.
What about a trip with your wife? Someplace you’ve wanted to go that she’d enjoy. She’ll feel good because it’s someplace that you want to go, and it’s not about you because she’ll enjoy it.
If that’s a little pricey, what about going out to a nice meal? Maybe someplace you’ve been meaning to check out, whether it’s fancy or not, or someplace that you have liked in the past?
What does your “perfect day” look like? Gym, gardening, baking, reading, watching a Lord Of The Rings marathon in your undies, etc. Whatever you would want to do on your perfect day, why not plan that? Take the day off of work if you can / want, or do it on the following Saturday. Your wife can join you if you want, if not, it’s your day, so you can spend it however you want.
Fun fact, you don’t have to do anything for any of your birthdays. No really, they won’t haul you away to prison or anything, just chose to do nothing and carry on with life.
it’s not that hard to ignore the social programming.
My 35th was yesterday. I enjoyed a couple beers and sunlight at a market held by a local brewery. Some hot birthday sex to end the day and a session of Baldur’s gate 3
Take an hour and sit alone and think back to what your favorite 5 or 6 or 10 life moments have been. Think about where you were and what you were doing.
Then, take another hour or two, and include your wife, and brainstorm about what places (of any kind…business? parks? restaurants? entertainment venues? concert venues? hotels/resorts? sports event locations?) conveniently near enough to where you live might possibly offer any kind of activities similar to those original (several) favorite life moments you thought of in step one.
Then, take another hour, and think about what kinds of things you can ever remember excitedly thinking “That seems cool/fun/interesting/relaxing/entertaining/like it would feel fantastic)! I’d like to try that/go there/see that!”, but never actually did.
Then, take another hour or two, and include your wife, and brainstorm about/search on the internet for places or events conveniently near enough to you that might offer some activities similar to those.
Then brainstorm together how many and which ones you’re going to do over the nearest weekend or two before, after, or both, your birthday. Then, go do some fun stuff.
Take with you, through both the brainstorming sessions, and the “doing the things” weekend(s), your sense of adventure and wonder, and give yourself the permission to have fun, whatever your version of that is. Maybe that’s sitting quietly near a beach with a cigar and a bourbon and watching the sunset. Maybe it’s a fishing trip. Maybe it’s attending a baseball game or movie and getting all the snacks you’ve ever wanted to try. Maybe it’s a summer evening trip to a carnival riding rides with your wife. Maybe it’s a walk in a state park that leads to a waterfall and you two pack a picnic lunch and take the pets with you. Maybe it’s a painting lesson and an afternoon in a museum. Maybe it’s horseback riding. Maybe it’s a cooking lesson and a meal at a great restaurant. Maybe it’s a comedy club outing, or a weekend sailing excursion. Maybe you go spectate at a rubik’s cube solving competition and then to a game store and buy some fun puzzle or game and then go home and play together. Maybe it’s…anything. Anything you can imagine. Just do something the idea of which excites you and puts a smile on your face. Then elevate that a bit by pairing it with something additional. Get a tour of a local ice cream factory and then go get ice cream together. Go spend a weekend at a lake and take paddleboarding or kayaking lessons together.
Also, no matter what you do, remember that you’ve come a long way and experienced an accomplished a lot, and been through a lot, and deserve some celebration. Give yourself permission to be light-hearted. Give yourself permission to think about lots of positive things you’ve accomplished. And then light some sparklers or candles or freakin’ roman candles, and play some music you love, and dance or jump around silly-ly (sillily? I don’t know.), and be thankful for what you have and have done.
Then start planning for next year’s birthday.
Life’s too short, man, and too fleeting. Grab it by the balls and make it fun for yourself.
Rent out a movie theater and watch your favorite movie.
My 40th my wife booked an airbnb on the beach with a hot tub. We went for a swim in the ocean
, had a bottle of wine, a nice meal and chilled in the hot tub.
I’m 41. I made my 40th about food. We ate at a Brazilian Steakhouse. Try that. If you pick a thing for people to focus on you get bothered less.
Whenever I said I don’t care I would be forced to care by my wife turning into ‘captain conundrum’ and asking a million questions. By saying I want to go out to eat on my birthday, I can make it all about that.
I read none of this much too long. But didn’t you just say what you enjoy being at home with your wife and pets? Be at home with your WIFE AND PETS AND BUY WHAT YOU ENJOY FOR TAKEOUT. Happy birthday ❤️
I can’t remember what I did on my 40th birthday, so guess it was no fuss going on. I kinda like it low key with wife and maybe the kids and grandkids. Turning 50 in a year ( wife too), so we are thinking of eloping.