My(21F) boyfriend (20M) has always struggled with retroactive jealousy, he would spend nights without sleeping, we would have arguments about my past, about what I did and what I didn’t. He has a cleaner record than me (although we were both virgins) and the fact that I was his first kiss and he wasn’t mine bothered him immensely. Other things bothered him too, if I had a male classmate who I was friends with, if I wanted to get a job where a guy worked and I would be working with, he would get really really upset.
With time, I thought lying would make it better, whenever he asked me about details of my past I would lie and diminish them. I felt shamed about what I had done in the past, and he would have this disgusted expression in his face.
Last night, I was studying for finals and he got upset over a tweet I had tweeted 3 years ago, calling a celebrity fine. He started teasing, insisting more about it, did I think he was hot, did I think he was hotter than my bf etc. I told him enough, he asked me more and more about my past and I ended up telling him everything I had lied about. All my past experiences in detail.
He blew up, calling me a liar, telling me I had only been using him for his money, that who knows maybe I wasn’t even a virgin, that I was using his family for money too, recriminating me how was I even able to do stuff before being in a relationship, and more.
At the time, I remained serious, staring at the screen, seeing this he got even more upset. I cried which I guess made him even more upset because I was making everything about me.
I admit it was my fault, but after everything he said last night I’m struggling to not see him differently. He said if I really valued him I should figure out how to fix things myself. What do you think is the best course of action?
Comments
He has a lot of issues, and you’re better off without him
I think you should tell your ‘boyfriend’ to go and fuck himself and find somebody who isn’t controlling.
The very definition of a toxic relationship. Resenting jealousy for things that happened in your companion’s life speaks volume about your own insecurities. He needs therapy. And you need to break up with him so you can move forward and be happy now.
It’s not your problem to fix. People have pasts. If you love someone, you should be able to accept who they are, as they are.
He will never be happy with you, unless he grow up and mature and be an adult, because noone can change their past.
I think it was wrong for you to lie. Should have solved the problem there and then. But it’s done, and can’t change that either, so how is he expecting you to fix it? Unlie and unexperience the experience you had?
Tbh, I really don’t think he will change. He will use your past against you and blame you every chance he gets. I’d leave him and find someone more mature.
What did you do ?
Run girl, run as far as you can from him
Dump him, he isn’t worth your time
This boy! Which is exactly what he is a fucking child needs to kick rocks! Why are you doing this to yourself and staying in this relationship?
If your partner starts insulting you, especially by bringing up things from the past, you deserve better. That’s not what a healthy relationship looks like. Leave while you still can. Don’t wait for it to get worse; it will only drain you emotionally.
> he got upset over a tweet I had tweeted 3 years ago,
>He said if I really valued him I should figure out how to fix things myself.
HAHAHAHA yeah your bad – you should go build a time machine! Wtf, why are you still with this clown?
This was so childish from the beginning, I had to keep making sure the ages were of adults. What the hell do you mean not being your first kiss bothered him immensely? What do you mean “cleaner record”? Do you not, in any way, see how wild both those statements are? Did he time travel from 1953?
Holy Toxicity Batman!
If my daughter were in your shoes, I’d advise her to break up and find someone else.
The root feelings of jealousy he has are normal and expected. But he does not have a healthy expression of those emotions. He is not ready for a relationship if he cannot be emotionally regulated.
Yes, you should have been honest from the beginning. But he should have evaluated your history, and if it is too much, then just part ways, not melting down into an insulting tantrum.
It’s time to move on.
Move on
I am so so glad you had this experience. You learned everything you need to know to determine if he is a “keeper” or not. You also learned how lying in a relationship doesn’t work. Two good lessons for life. That’s the point of dating vs arranged marriage. Now you have enough data to inform yourself that he isn’t the one for you. Move on with poise, grace and simplicity. Research is over. You have a data-supported conclusion. Move on.
(You can still be plenty heartbroken and sad, but don’t let him know. Just quit with quiet grace and move forward to the next candidate.)
Looks like your boyfriend just signed up for the ‘Jealousy Olympics’ and forgot to read the fine print about ‘no past baggage allowed!’ Maybe he should take a few notes from your finals study guide on how to deal with reality?
He’s just an insecure and immature person!!!
Run! This sounds like a jealous 14 year old boy, not a 20 year old man. He is being absolutely ridiculous!
Were you supposed to live your life in anticipation of meeting him? That’s not how life works! Everyone you meet has a past before you come along.
Sweetheart, his jealousy has been a constant issue, and his reaction last night with the accusations wasn’t okay. You lied trying to cope with it, but his response puts all the fixing on you. Take some space to think about what you need in a relationship, trust and respect are key. If he’s willing to work on his jealousy, maybe counseling. But you deserve someone who doesn’t shame you or make you feel solely responsible for their insecurities. Don’t carry all this yourself
Well shit!!! This guy is twenty years old and expects you to have the “purity” of a 6 year old girl who probably doesn’t even know what a crush is. I hope you leave him.
Stop believing his lies that there’s something wrong with you and find someone who actually cares about you, instead of their own ego.
Sounds like a him problem he needs to grow up and get over
Lucky you … he gives you time to dodge this bullet
This is behavior I would expect from people who are 14 or 15 years old. And then I would tell them that they’re both too old to be acting like this.
It’s more hassle than it’s worth. You won’t be able to get that time back. Or nerves.
What he is doing is a form of abuse, whether he is aware of it or not.
I know this is overused, but life is to short for that s*it.
Best of luck.
Move on..this insanity will never stop. You can do better.
If you think this will stop, it won’t. My dad and mom got together around your age. I remember growing up and him verbally abusing her hours through the nights for years, reprimanding her for having a singular boyfriend other than him before. He eventually got violent. It was not fun growing up in that house. She still walks on eggshells in her 60s in her own home.
OP sorry but this is manipulative and controlling behavior. You did nothing wrong. You are a victim here and you need to leave. Especially before kids are involved.
This is abuse. You’re better off alone
Honey your boyfriend is sick. Get rid of him. Youre to young to deal with such abuse. Because its abuse. You dont owe him anything and your past life is just that. PAST. You cannot go or move forward with such a man always apologizing ir hiding things that happened before or not take a job because someone you know might work there, this guy is stalking you, Your life, your online presence and once you get rid of him you will see another way of stalking so is better to cut it off now while you can, that idiot one day might even kill you, cause they start slowly and than escalate. He needs to see a specialist and take medication, otherwise will reach the point he will need a straight jacket. Im serious
Toxic, leave
Yall are starting your 20’s, why is he acting like a middle schooler? He wasn’t in the picture in your past, he has not right to be so judgmental and blow up about something from YEARS AGO. That’s some next level insecurity. Leave while you still can!!
Tell your bf to fuck right off.
I had a bf like that and then I found out that his past was worse than mine and he lied about being so innocent just to shame me
What kind of past you saying you’re virgin, is commenting on a celebrity photo is considered to be part of your past
insecurity like this will destroy a relationship. I would tell him he needs to get some professional help, if he wants to continue the relationship. Personally if he cannot see where he is going wrong I would just break up. You don’t need that drain in your life.
This will not get better. If you have to lie about your past to your partner there is no future.
OMG! Run and run far and fast. Your boyfriend is a walking red flag and it’s only a matter of time before things get worse and you are excusing his bullshit behaviour while suffering abuse. I lived your EXACT scenario and it ended with him sexually assaulting me and smacking me around. He started with holding things from my past against me, making nasty comments about shit that happened before we’d met, about celebrity crushes I’d had when I was 15, that kind of stuff. Funnily enough I wasn’t much younger than you when it happened, I was 19/20 years old.
Run! I cannot stress this enough!