Let me preface that, as someone with a brain that is fueled mostly by anxiety, I understand the problem with apologizing for everything, especially for things that aren’t your fault. My gripe is not with people who are trying to work on that within themselves.
My gripe is with people who take it outside of themselves, policing other people’s use of the word. I’ve had an alarming number of conversations with close friends and loved ones who, while they are going through something difficult, sort of lash out in the middle of talking about it because I’ve said something to the effect of “I’m sorry this is something you’re going through” and they latch on to that word and hit me with a “it isn’t your fault, why are you apologizing?”
Dude, I AM TRYING TO PROVIDE COMFORT. Saying that I’m sorry you’re dealing with something is not a statement of responsibility! It’s an acknowledgment of your pain! Getting pedantic in the middle of a crisis is not going to do you any favors — words can mean different things! I don’t care what you heard on TikTok, there is nuance to the English language that allows for far more meaning than what a hard-line rule can provide.
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People who really don’t like the word ‘sorry’ are usually the same ones who can’t apologize for anything. It makes them feel bad when someone can apologize, and they would prefer that no one would apologize so they never feel like they ‘should’ve apologized’.
I’m sorry you feel that way
I’m Canadian so “sorry” is just a filler word to me at this point. When I talk to my American friends they’re always like “why are you saying sorry?” and they get genuinely concerned. It’s so strange, because most of the time I say sorry without realizing and I have no idea what they’re talking about, lol.
I agree with this. Even older generations seem to have forgotten about the nuance of language. I know someone who’s going to therapy. The second everyone else found out they would clobber her for saying “I’m sorry” when it’s a tick she has from her abuse. It’s not even conscious! It pisses me off because there’s no way pointing out this tick is helping her anxiety. It’s actually making it worse.
I have a friend from Nigeria, and when I met her, she used to apologize for everything (like, I’d say I was hungry and she’d say sorry) It confused me at first, but in Canada we say sorry a lot already so I ended up accidentally picking it up. No other Canadian’s really mind but for some reason, if I ever talk to an American this way they act like it’s the most insane thing ever
As a Canadian, leave us alone.
And, sorry.
I’m sorry I’ll stop sorry
When you use a word over and over and over all the time, regardless of the reason, it loses all impact. If you apologize to me every time anything happens whether it was your fault or not that means when/if you actually do something that you need to apologize to me for it won’t have any impact or meaning. It’ll just feel like yet another sorry you tossed on the pile.
When you want to show support try other phrases and words, we don’t need to say the same thing every time.
That must be really hard to go through
What can I do that will actually help
Man I can totally empathize with that situation
It’s not hard to say things that don’t sound like you are just saying them out of habit, but it does take some forethought and that means paying attention and thinking before you react.
Maybe try saying something other than “I’m sorry…”. There are a multitude of ways of expressing empathy that don’t involve the word “sorry”.
“Getting pedantic in the middle of a crisis is not going to do you any favors — words can mean different things!”
Of course words can mean different things. But when you are the 30th person in line to say the exact same thing…
Saying “I’m sorry…” in an attempt to demonstrate empathy comes off as flippant and shallow when it is the same thing everyone says or the same thing that someone says every time.
English needs a better word.
I had to explain to my kids why we say we’re sorry if it’s not our fault when someone is sad… and ya know what? It shouldn’t be this hard to explain to a kid how to use language.
So if you ever meet my 11 year old and she says, “My condolences on your recent loss.” She’s not a professional mortician, she just didn’t understand why she would be sorry, so she refuses to say it…. and honestly, I’m with her on that.
“Sorry” is a word used to express regret, it’s perfectly normal to regret when somebody else has experienced something bad, it’s normal empathy. So I agree with you
Sorry, OP, it sounds like you’re difficult to be around. Again, sorry you are the way you are – it sounds really hard.
Right! “Sorry” can be used as an apology sure, but it is also used to express sympathy.
Oh my god the “why are you apologizing” people irritate the hell out of me
I’m sorry, what?
“Ok, then I’m not sorry you’re going through all this. I’m only sorry I attempted to be kind. You sorry ass fuck.”
I’m sorry, but I’m so with you.
That’s not the “sorry” I had trouble with my girlfriend.
The “sorry” she was saying was when she made me food and picked out some tiny thing she could have done better. Or when I bumped into HER.
You know why she says sorry when it’s not needed? Because her first husband physically beat her up. She walked on eggshells because she was scared. Even her mother noticed she only started apologizing all the time since the abuse.
So… the “sorry” you are describing may not be the “sorry” others want to object to because we know the source of these loved one’s “sorry’s”.