Hi Reddit,
I (early 30s M) have been with my wife (early 30s F) for over a decade, married for 3 years. We’ve always had a very strong, loyal relationship with each other from day one, I’ve been clear that while family matters, our loyalty to each other comes above everything else, and she’s always agreed with me on that generally.
My wife’s 19-year-old niece, let’s call her Kira is a spoiled, entitled college student who’s always gotten her way and has been a fucking b**ch since forever. She’s been rude and out of line with others before, even in public, but this time she turned her attitude toward me and crossed a serious line.
A few days ago, during a casual conversation with my wife and her sister (Kira’s mom), I thought we were all referring to the same public photo Kira had posted online, where she was smoking. I made an offhand comment like “Yeah, she hasn’t posted something like that before.” Turns out her mom hadn’t seen that exact photo, it was a misunderstanding, nothing malicious. I didn’t go behind anyone’s back or try to “snitch.”
That night, Kira messaged me privately. She called me a f***ing loser, told me to “use my brain,” and was generally really hostile using other similar adjectives. Then she messaged my wife, who was lying next to me and said, quote:
“Keep your dog on a leash. F**ing stupid asshole f*got.”
(No, I’m not exaggerating.)
I was stunned. I’ve never been spoken to like that in my life. I’m not someone people usually dare to speak to like that, especially not in my own family. I immediately told my wife I want permanent boundaries, I never want to see, hear about, or be around Kira again. I expected my wife to feel the same.
At first, she did. But the next day, she started wavering, saying things like, “This will ruin my relationship with my sister,” and, “Maybe you should just try to move on.” That was the first time I’ve ever felt like she didn’t have my back and i felt really disappointed with her. I wasn’t asking her to disown her family, just to support me while I protected myself from someone who humiliated me. She made me feel like I was really overreacting or being unreasonable.
To keep peace, I told her fine, you can meet your sister if you want. But I won’t be part of anything where Kira is involved. I thought that was a reasonable compromise.
Then today, just when things had cooled off, Kira decided to message again.
In a family group chat, I sent a picture of my wife. Kira replied to my message with a picture of a dog on a leash—clearly referencing her earlier insult. She then deleted it, but not before I (and others) saw it. I screenshotted it and sent it to my wife, just saying, “As expected.”
To her credit, this did finally make my wife angry. She said she’s done with Kira now, even if it costs her relationships with her sister or extended family. But she’s heartbroken, and it’s making me feel
A bit guilty about all of this.
For some context, I’ve always had Kira’s back, even when I didn’t want to. I’ve been the one secretly sent to get her Plan B when her parents couldn’t know. I know where every skeleton is buried. I’ve protected her more than once, and this is how she treats me? I know I could really ruin her if I wanted to, but I’ve taken the high road. For now.
So… am i being unreasonable for refusing to forgive her, and insisting on total distance—even if it means damaging my wife’s ties with her family?
Comments
you’re not being dramatic at all, she straight disrespected you hard and kept going even after. You set a boundary and your wife should have your back without making you feel guilty about it.
I do not think you’re being unreasonable, but does Kira’s mother/family not know what she’s said? Is your wife the people pleaser of the family? One that refuses to rock the boat? It seems like a no brainer to cut off Kira for insulting her husband to such an extent, but maybe her mom doesn’t understand the context behind this action? Or maybe everyone is just okay with homophobic slurs…
Are you actually refusing to forgive her?? That would require an apology.
It’s great to hear that your wife is starting to see things from your perspective after the recent incident. Relationships can be complicated, and it’s clear you both care deeply for each other. Setting boundaries is essential for your mental well-being, and it sounds like you’re doing what feels right for you.
I’d spill the beans in the group chat about the plan B incident and every other instance you’ve had her back. F Kira.
That oughta teach her some friggin gratitude. Hand that feeds and all.
I’m not sure why your settings boundaries would ruin your wife’s family??? And why the hell hasn’t she sent the messages to her sister? She’s the one in the wrong and needs some consequences. You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your wife needs to have your back and stand up for you. You have every right to be upset with her. She’s worried about her relationship with her sister, what about her relationship with you? HER HUSBAND. I’m positive she wouldn’t appreciate you letting someone treat her that way. Don’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong.
You should post a picture in that same family chat of a Plan B pill….
OK you need to be mature about this she didn’t humiliate you she humiliated herself. You should go no contact with her but that doesn’t necessarily extent to your wife but your wife should absolutely say never speak to me that way again or refer to my husband that way. And it’s not unreasonable for her to expect to get an apology which she should communicate to her sister. I think it’s fine if you never talk to her again or be around her if possible but don’t put your hurt feelings on your wife. Yes somebody who speaks like that is rude and entitled but remember the world is full of people like this. She sent a dog on a leash really? I think I would reply with a picture of Plan B. Girl sounds toxic
You are not being unreasonable for distancing yourself from a verbal abuser, BUT you are being unreasonable if you expect your wife to do the same. You have to understand it’s not as easy for her because it’s her family. It’s fine for you not to have contact with Kira (my mother hated my dad’s mother and had no contact with her for years and even up until her death), but you cannot force her to or expect her to (trauma bonds in families are deep). If she sees it for herself and makes the commitment to go no contact with Kira, that has to be her choice. And don’t badmouth Kira to your wife either, even if she comes to you with complaints about how she’s been treated by her. That will only make things worse.
You can move on after Kira makes amends. She hasn’t done that. I would be clear you aren’t holding her mom responsible