I am coming to the conclusion that my relationship isn’t right for me.
Even thinking about leaving makes me feel guilty.
I am 18F, and have been in the relationship with 18M for 2 and a half years.
There have been a lot of instances of unacceptable behaviour for me, and I have realised I’m not going to accept it anymore.
I am so attached because he is the first person who I have done everything with (including v card), and he has met my entire family.
I think something I feel guilty about is that I lost my v to him, and I have only ever wanted to do that with one person, and I thought that could be him to be forever.
I also can’t bear to think of him with someone else (which is selfish, I know) and I certainly won’t be wanting another relationship anytime soon.
Also, he will forever be in family wedding and holiday photos. Now I know these aren’t reasons to stay, they are just my thoughts that make me feel guilty and make me think I should stay, when deep down I know it’s not right for me.
I am wanting advice and any thoughts of others about the situation. I am willing to go into detail of any behaviour/examples if needed.
Comments
Yea can you go in detail? for how long did you feel this all ready? And how did you come to this conclusion… talking to a friend or writing about it?
The reason people get to know one another is to determine whether the other is suitable as a partner.
As I frequently tell my own adult daughter, do not ignore your feelings. If you believe, at a gut level, that he is not suitable for you, ending the relationship is wise.
In time, you will look back on the experience with fond memories, and not feel sad about it. That is how life is. We are constantly growing, learning and changing.
Congratulations to you for being courageous enough to acknowledge that things are not working out… and for being brave enough to change your situation. That alone is something many people do not learn, sometimes ever.
It’s good that you realize that there are behaviors that should not be tolerated. But have you talked to him about what you do not accept in a relationship? If not, in my opinion it is worth talking about the problem, maybe he does not realize. If it is something that you have already told him, tell him about it one last time, see his reaction and talk about the fact that you have not felt this relationship for some time.
You are asking whether, at 18 years of age, you should stay with someone you chose when you were 15 or 16, even though you know deep down that this isn’t a good relationship for you anymore.
Maybe that will help you put it into perspective. Fifteen or sixteen is REALLY young to be making permanent decisions. I know very, very few people who are in the careers they decided on at that age. Why would anyone expect you to choose a lifelong partner as a teenager?
Also, forget about him being in family photos and knowing all your family. Even having had sex with him doesn’t factor in at all. You are still just as valuable as you ever were, you haven’t “spent” anything on him except time. Even if you had, that’s not a good reason to stay with him.
It’s called the “sunk cost fallacy” and holds that because you’ve spent so much time/money/effort/lives (in the case of war), you have to keep going because otherwise it was just a waste. That fallacy is why so many Americans died in the Vietnam War: the president kept thinking he had to keep the war going, or all the previous young men had died for nothing. In the end, huge numbers died for nothing.
So don’t do that. Don’t think, “Well, one already had sex with him and brought him to family weddings, so I have to stay with him or else the sex and the weddings were wasted.” Nothing was wasted. You had some good times, and you’ll still have those fond memories. You’ve also learned about relationships. One thing you’ve learned is that you can’t accept certain behaviors in a romantic partner.
So break up with him. I wouldn’t get specific with him about what behaviors you find unacceptable, because that will just invite argument or negotiation. And you’ve decided, so argument and negotiation are just aggravations now. Just say you have fallen out of love. No one can argue with that.
What would you tell your best friend or a sister in the same situation?
You know the answer.
Every little girl thinks that she’s only going to be with one person forever and ever, and then reality slaps you in the face. You’re just kids, you have your entire life of potentially 60+ more years ahead of you – don’t ever feel bad about not wasting it on the wrong person. And quite frankly, who cares if he’s in family photos? He was part of your life and part of that occasion. Don’t try to hide the past, it made you who you are.
A relationship especially a king begins to create modify or change our identity.
That is especially tough when you don’t yet know your own identity… know yourself!
the people places and things around us all become like a puzzle 🧩 with all the pieces .
As we grow many of those pieces don’t fit anymore. That’s when it’s time to become the Center of your life and let it build around you being sure all the pieces are aligned with desire of who you want to be !
You obviously know what to do and just need to decide if you want a life making someone else happy or prfioritize your own !
Life is shorter than it appears choose wisely . You’ll both be happier
You should enjoy life being in a relationship with someone that you know isn’t right for you is silly. 18 is the time for being free and partying starting new adventures . Like college or getting a job not being stressed and unhappy .
Love isn’t everything. You can love numerous people, but it doesn’t mean they are the right person for you.
I had someone like this in college. A beautiful woman inside and out. But there were just enough out of sync. We did start to go there but I stopped it because of the differences. No abuse, just not quite right.
Not only do you need love and attraction, but the same goals, the same morals, etc.
I have retained my relationship with her for decades (i am now retired) and although I still dearly love her I am so happy I made the right decision. I married the right person, who unfortunately passed a few years ago, but we had 2 kids, 8 grandkids and 1 great grandchild so far. And I still grieve her.
You can choose to follow what your heart knows is right, or go on this path you know is wrong for you. One will definitely ensure a life of unhappiness, but no regret. Your choice.
I had a relationship like that. It lasted 4.5 years and there were more than a couple of red flags. Luckily she ended up cheating on me and I caught her and that was the motivation I needed to actually break up with her. I went through the same thing of how much I had invested and how much I had envisioned eventually getting married, I didn’t want to admit she wasn’t good for me.
I know, but you are too young to deal with a messy relationships. This is the time to learn, to grow and to build a meaniful life.
You also need to learn heartbreak. Its a very important lesson in ones life cause it teaches us everything about love, relationships, boundaries and us as a person.
you both are too young to even pursuing a serious relationship. you both are going to go through your own growth and self discovery spectrum. You possibly will become two completely different individuals.
Don’t limit yourself, listen to your head not heart. Get away from it.
How deal with sudden heartache? May be travel if possible, if not get busy with things you have always wanting to do. DELETE, forget and forgive
Not everyone stays with their childhood sweetheart and that’s okay, take it as a learning lesson and let go. Recommend him therapy and simply let him go.
If that person isn’t good for you, it’s the only thing that matters. You can’t just stay because of the wedding photos and even v card.
Most people don’t stay with their first sexual partners till the end of their life, that’s normal. You will grieve and then you won’t care anymore.
The clear thing to say is what do you feel truly guilty about. If he treated you in any way unacceptably then you should not feel guilty he should.
Its understandable to hold on when someone is your first but that should always be irrelevant when it comes to relationships. you wouldnt stay at your first job just because it was you first, you wouldnt only watch your first movie because it was the first one you watched because at the end of the day there is more out there and in the same way you would leave your first job for a job that pays better and has more benefits you should leave him if you feel you deserve better and more from a new partner.
You are young and feeling guilty about your “v card” because again as i stated before it means nothing. Virginity is meaningless considering that we have contraseptives and much more free thinking society comapred to history. In fact in many ancient and modern Societies from ancient egypt to Feudal Japan Virginity wasnt in their society because it means nothing.
The reason you cant think of him with anyone else is becasue you have never been given enough time to see him with someone else you are too young and the fact you started dating around 15-16 is clear in such.
It can be hard to look back on old memories and see old loved ones and former partners but they will soon get replaced by newer memories and photos as time moves on.
You should never feel guilty for wanting to leave a relationship as that implies you are doing it out of malice but you arent. Dont stay where you feel you dont want to be.