So last night I ‘f37’ found out the man I have been dating has a whole secret life.. the ‘m33’ who texted/called me constantly..who always made time to see me was infact engaged to be married in a few months and had been with his partner for 7 years and they have a young child who i was also unaware of.. He had been telling her he was working overtime while taking holidays so he could come and visit me and go out with me to places for months now
I am blindsided and contacted the wife to be and let her know the situation
What I don’t understand is why I feel so heartbroken and want to see him and speak to him still even though I am absolutely disgusted at what he has done and angry at the fact he fully persude me knowing I was looking for a relationship which is something he obviously couldn’t offer me but led me to believe he could
Can anyone offer advice or even knock some sense into me to not want to hear from him again
Has anyone else been in this situation where you know it’s so wrong to want to contact them but I feel I need answers?
Comments
It’s totally natural to be heartbroken and also want to be with someone who you have a romantic attachment to. But you also know that he’s not the right person because you wouldn’t want to be with someone who treats people like this.
Think of it as a lucky escape. You will get over him and find someone who treats you well. Let yourself be sad for a bit and then move on to better things.
There’s no immediate fix. The heart is going to feel the way it feels even when the brain knows better. Yes you realized you dodged a bullet but that doesn’t take away from the bond and feelings that grew, or the deception that you received. It takes time. Just stay disciplined and don’t contact unless necessary.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. One of my friends went through the exact same situation.
But can you explain to me why you told his wife everything? I mean, I get that you wanted to get back at him and punish him.
But what does his wife have to do with it? Or do you suspect she knew all along and you wanted to hurt her too?..
>I ‘f37’ found out the man I have been dating has a whole secret life.. the ‘m33’ who texted/called me constantly..who always made time to see me was infact engaged to be married in a few months and had been with his partner for 7 years and they have a young child who i was also unaware of..
The wife needed to know you did the right thing. Even though it is going to crush her as well . She needs to know who she is really married to . And that he is going to cheat again & again . He will do the same once he has sorted her out & their relo . He is a low piece of man to do that . He deliberately strung 2 women along hurting both . If they had a open relo that would be different & she knew he would be seeing someone else as well . But she didn’t know anything . And she needs to know that he can’t be trusted at all .
>What I don’t understand is why I feel so heartbroken and want to see him and speak to him still even though I am absolutely disgusted at what he has done and angry at the fact he fully persude me knowing I was looking for a relationship which is something he obviously couldn’t offer me but led me to believe he could
You will need to grieve what you thought you had with him . YOu cared about him & wanted to be with him so yes you will miss / grieve & hurt inside about even knowing what kind of person he is . A person who can lie to your face without any care . YOu thought you had found that ‘someone’ so yes it would crush your heart knowing he lied & deceived you both to get what he wanted from you .
The wife probably will stay with him NOT trusting him now . That is all you can do is tell her then it is up to her to decide to stay or leave or just sit in the knowing he is a piece of scum to her. He will cheat again in just a matter of time. The lies out of his mouth to her face will continue again for her . But atelaset she will know he is a liar now also to her . He is a deceiver & will continue to do so to her & the next woman . He will not stop doing it to her . Be glad you found out he would of kept deceiving you & wasting your time if you wanted a monogamous man . As he won’t ever be. He didn’t give a s*it about her or you & how much it will hurt you both to find this out . He will ONLY be sorry he got caught for it .And sorry that you told his wife meaning he could also risk her as well . That is the only thing he will be thinking of fixing things with her to keep seeing the kids .
>Can anyone offer advice or even knock some sense into me to not want to hear from him againHas anyone else been in this situation where you know it’s so wrong to want to contact them but I feel I need answers?
Yes you will feel like s*it & you will miss him as you probably were heading into love territory or where already there. So sorry ou will be grieving him & what you had. That doesn’t go away it will remain what you think you had tog . It was a lie but also at that time was not . YOu thought he was it only to find it was a big lie to now hold you captive in his orbit . It will hurt & haunt you for awhile . There is no getting over him & what you had quick . It will drive a nail into you about him with still want for what you thought you had with him . YOu will miss the s8t out of him also . Seek out friends or family or a therapist to help you work this out rather than turning to him or her ( she is in shock & deep confusion also right now about him ) .You will have to go through the grieving process over him & this relo. It will hurt , it will cause you to cry do so . YOu will feel empty by his absence , you will want to talk to him . But recommend not doing so . As he has also the chance to draw you back into his world via temptation right now . Give it some time away from him then if you must seek your anxwers from him . Right now you are easy to pull back into him as you will be missing him alot . Time & distance is the only way to help you remove him from your heart till then he is a threat to pulling you back into him . As your emotional attachment to him & wanting him might win over rational thoughts.
What answers can he provide that makes a difference? He’s a liar – you know that so what makes you think he will tell you the truth if you contact him? He will only tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
Let it go.
I went through the same thing. 6 months with me.
She lived alone and every 15 days she spent the weekend with her young daughter.
I discovered that he had been married for 10 years living with her.
He had a rented apartment that must have been used for meetings with women like me, silly me.
The lie of the whole relationship hurt more than the end. The powder was very bad. But I survived
I haven’t been through it personally, but know a few women who went through it with people who come to our city for work and have secret wives back in their home town. We aren’t in an exotic place or anything- any opportunity is enough for some people.
You’re mourning the person you fell in love with. That person never existed, but for months your heart thought they did. It’s okay to give yourself some grace and mourn your relationship and “your partner”. Please make sure to keep the liar who did this as a separate person in your mind and don’t assign that asshole any goodwill your “partner” earned.
If you talk to him, it’s unlikely that a liar will suddenly tell you the full truth. He will say things to justify his actions because he had to already justify them in his own mind. Most people who do shit like that are cowards who won’t admit anything that makes them look bad.
We can help you speculate. If he is (practically) married with a kid their relationship isn’t in the “honeymoon” period anymore. Maybe he struggled with the responsibilities of fatherhood. Maybe his fiancée isn’t as “fun” as she was when they first met. Maybe she was sick and asking him for more help. Maybe none of that is true and he was just “bored” of his wife. Any of those mean that the appeal could be that he would get to come visit you and forget his family and their baggage. Maybe everything was perfect and he was just drawn to the idea of having a secret relationship and the thrill of sneaking around plus sleeping with a new person, and living a double life. Maybe he wanted to do freaky stuff he didnt want to do with the mother of his child (Madonna/whore complex). You were the fun, new, relationship where he’d get to fly out, relax, and be an amazing partner for little periods of time and be an “all star person”. A lot of people enjoy new relationships where they can present themselves as a perfect, successful person not have to face their own shortcomings. Long distance relationships are easy to maintain lies in and to present yourself as someone you’re not. I know even more people who discovered addictions or financial lies from their partners once they saw more of their lives and he didn’t need to worry about you seeing anything he didn’t show you. This was just a scam where he was saying and doing whatever he needed to in order to trick you into giving him your time and affection.
There isn’t going to be a reason he can give you for why he couldn’t have ended his relationship with her before pursuing a new one. There isn’t going to be an explanation that makes the character that he was playing into a real person. There isn’t going to be a way for you to know if he’s lying if he’s already been a good enough liar to pull all that off. You’re the only one who can say if you’d get more closure out of seeing him again but make sure you remember that he is an actor, not the real deal.
If he cheats on her, he’d cheat on you. Best to move on.