I’m having such a hard time with my 13 yr son. He is in 7th grade and giving me problems in his 4th period for months now. It’s like nothing I do works. I wanna hear from parents if you had or have a 13 year old and he was getting in trouble in his 4th period over and over and over having warnings and referrals. It’s just exhausting he really trying my patients.
How do you Discipline a 13 year old?
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Do you know what it is about 4th period that he is having an issue with? Is it always the same class? Does he eat lunch? Is it the only class he has that particular teacher for?
Being strong and show that everything has a consequence. No phones, tvs and help with home activities.
Therapy could also work to balance the energy they have at that time.
Motivating him to do sports and keep him busy.
How have you disciplined him in the past?
Beat his ass
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Enlist him in the French Foreign Legion.
Shhh. Middle School doesn’t matter. Do the best you can do to help him grow through this period of rebellion before his grades are on high school transcripts.
We only have middle school because no one want 12-14 year old kids roaming their streets.
If it’s only 4th period it’s almost 100% another student or a staff member he sees often in that class. Look into that and such
I have disciplined him by taking away his gaming stuff he hasn’t played for two months. Tv to a minimum now. He was also without tv also he just got it back now. Only books, crossword , sudoku , drawing. Anything else and he only reads. And now reading is barely now. It’s like nothing is working maybe I’m not tough enough or he doesn’t take me seriously. And just so you guys know it’s just that one class he is always in trouble 4th period.
What sort of medicine do you practice? Maybe you have colleagues in mental health that could give advice?
At one point we had him do everyone’s chores cuz he just didn’t get it. I’m lost honestly
I would make sure you have given them a safe space to talk about any issues that are causing this.
If it’s the “I know I can get away with this and I’m acting out” then you need to correct behavior. The only way to effectively discipline at that age would have been to effectively discipline in all of the years prior.
Do you give actual punishments that are timely, enforceable, and unavoidable? I’ve worked with a lot of parents that LOVE to fly off the handle with the “you’re grounded for 6 months!” rhetoric. Only to cave a week in because it’s too much work.
Find something your child wants, loves, etc. If they are a video game kid, no games for a week. Start it on a Monday, remove all of the games, any access to games, and that’s it. If they save a bus load of nuns on Tuesday, guess what. No games for a week. Advise that the next time, it will be expanded or up the stakes. No games for a week, and “insert chore here”
The problem is most parents cave, or the can’t find the thing that hits home the most. Also, don’t use a milestone event. Unless they did something egregious. 4th period shenanigans shouldn’t result in missing out on a class trip or a school dance.
If it’s just that class, there is something or someone that is triggering his behaviors. If he will not tell you about it, will he tell his other parent? Who does he confide in? Punishment for him expressing his feelings isn’t going to work. If you cannot get him to communicate then transfer him out of that class.
I may be way off the mark here as you gave us very little information but here goes.
Is he the one causing the problem or is someone else causing him to have a problem? This is the age where boys and girls start getting attracted to each other. Could it be attracted to someone and not know how to manage that?
He needs a physical outlet if he doesn’t have one already, and a therapist/counselor that he can talk to. These two things will save you much headache in the future and help give him proper foundation for healthy adulthood.
It sounds like he’s depressed or stressed honestly, have you tried talking to him and asking him if there’s something going on? Maybe there’s something going on in his social life that has him feeling down, or it’s simply the confusion that comes with hormonal changes and feeling like your world is being flipped upside down. There’s a lot of transitions at this time in his life and any one of them could be stressing him out.
Kids don’t act out for no reason, you should ask him what’s the matter.
He is the one causing the problem. He had a gf in that class but he says it’s not because of her because before her he was still doing this.
you start when they are 3
I’ve disclipined my teenagers like my parents disclipined me when i was teenager in early 80’s, they are doing well and behaving.
I have asked him over and over talked to him over and over he says the same he is fine there is nothing wrong. We definitely struggle with communication.
Send dad to class with him.
Your welcome.
Do you ever just sit with him and ask him about it? I mean, like you would a grown adult. I know it sounds hippy-dippy to most parents, but at this age they truly want to be respected as adults even though they’re not. (I’m a mom of a 14 year old and this works for us.)
Approach the subject calmly. Acknowledge to him that you know your discipline isn’t being effective, and ask if he feels his feelings or concerns aren’t seen as valid. If he says yes, which he likely will, ask him to clarify what is happening with a couple examples, tell you what he feels in reference to those situations, and how he feels about the situation and your response in general. Allow him the space to be honest, and DO NOT take it personally.
Be affirming: “I see why you feel that” or “that must feel frustrating.” Use examples from your own experiences. Ask him what he thinks would help both of you, for him to control behaviour and for your parenting to be effective. Clarify that since he’s older now this must be a team effort. You’d be surprised at how much he might be willing to meet you halfway.
It won’t work immediately. This new dynamic has to be consistent. Otherwise he will think you’re just trying to dupe him.
Be open to anything he suggests to resolve the school situation, even crazy things like yelling at the the teacher, which you obviously won’t do, and try to use humour to whittle things down to workable solutions. Talk about how to act on these.
Eventually he will trust you and that trust is key to a successful relationship and happier young adult. Knowing someone is on his side even when that someone has a different perspective on the situation is paramount for a teenager. It will be hard for you both at first, but all the other “spaghetti” you’ve thrown isn’t sticking to that wall. Time to try something new. It will likely be good for everyone involved.
Good luck. You can do this. Obviously you care a great deal or you wouldn’t be asking for help. 🙂
You guys my son is in magnet for middle school. from little to 6th grade had no problem in school not detention no bad notes nothing. And in 6th grade he had the same teacher he has for 4th period for 7th grade he has had her twice. And he gave no issues last year. But this year whole different story in her class. The teacher doesn’t understand nor do I. She keeps me up to date we work together. I
Take away privileges? Turn off wifi. Take away cellphone, TV, and or Xbox/PS.
I remember being around that age and my parents grounded me from all television for like a month. (Pre-internet, pre-cellphone, and we only had three channels on TV. It was still torture.)
Instead of defining HIM as the problem, think of the problem as something extrinsic to him that you need to team up with him and his teachers to solve together. It’s obviously something specific about that period – can you figure out how to get your first period son to show up in fourth period?
This may seem counterintuitive or unrelated but, you need to get him to talk to you. Not about this situation, anything he is interested in or there are tons of cues you can lookup online. Once you get him talking and he stops, wait. If he doesn’t continue, repeat the last bit of what he said as a question. Don’t judge or correct anything he says. Just hear him. If you can, spend some time with him. Even if it is sitting there while he plays video games and ask questions. I once read that teens need a cumulative 10 minutes of their parent’s undivided attention most days.
Help him find a purpose or passion without criticizing.
Kids this age are struggling. Their feelings are all over, they don’t have problem solving skills and often times their social interest doesn’t match their social skills.
My favorite parenting podcasts are Good Inside by Dr. Becky and Raising Good Humans. I’ve got two late teen daughters and a son about the same age. One of my daughters struggled a lot, made a lot of poor choices and these podcasts helped me get her back on the rails. I continue listening to them and they’ve helped me correct behaviors with my other children before they went too far.
Best of luck to you and your family.
The teenaged brain does not think the same as an adult brain. You can’t really reason or logic with someone going through that because as far as they’re concerned, you don’t understand what they’re going through.
I’m not a parent, but I have been a teacher and my siblings also required different types of disciplinary strategies to get them through school.
Sounds like a cliche – but you need to take away their privileges. No computers, no games, no phones. I’m always shocked when some parents say they don’t know what to do about their bratty kids and then I find out their kid has a cellphone.
It’s almost summer vacation. Send your kid away for the summer if you can. Relative in another province/state.
Kids will scream and cry and threaten to harm themselves or you, but you have to establish there is 0 excuse for acting like a jerk in school, and you will be doing whatever it is you can to ensure that behaviour doesnt continue.
I got the belt when I acted up as a elementary student that thought I knew everything. Thank you mom and dad for setting me straight!
My son just turnrd 14. I use a system of privileges and punishment. Do as I ask and you can do what you like (for the most part that’s video games). Disrespect, or other transgressions and the device gets taken away. The severity of the transgression determines the length Oof time I takr it away 1-2 days. Any further issues and the duration is doubled (max 2 doubling). Keep it up further and it’s gone for good.
Administer fatal beatings as needed while explaining said child needs to embrace the suck. Worked for Mr. Bean.
Have you asked the kid what’s going on? Is he hungry, need the bathroom, hate the teacher, being picked on? In what ways is he getting in trouble, bc my advice to a kid that is in trouble for talking is different than my advice for a kid that’s beating ppl up. It being in that class only, at that time only, makes me think it’s a problem that only happens then and there, like an interpersonal conflict with someone else. Ask him, without anger. I know my son didn’t talk a lot without prompting when he was in seventh grade, so be prepared to ask questions to get the info. I don’t have enough info to know if you should be upset with him, or for him.
Then off the wifi for an evening.
Find his currency and take it away when he breaks rules.
Did you ever spank him?
Beat him
My kid had pretty much always been good, but at 13, they started acting out, lying, causing issues at school.
I tried to talk to them, but they were not opening up and just lying and trying to play me more. I would take away their phone, then they would go to discord on their school laptop. I would ground them, but there was no change.
I ended up making them go work in the kitchen of a church that serves food twice a week to people who need it. We are not religious at all, but I was so sick of seeing their whiney ass at home, just laying on their bed or talking back to us.
At first, I went with them, but they ended up volunteering there for about 2 years without me and forming a really good relationship with the chef there. Now they are a senior in high-school, have the highest grades in their class, hold a part-time job, and are getting ready to go to Europe for culinary school next year.
Sometimes just punishing them, isn’t enough. Kids that age need something to latch onto to feel value in themselves and get out of the social bullshit of middle school. Sports, music, dance, volunteering, whatever.
Good luck, sounds like you care and I hope he grows up!
Edit: I know “their whiney ass” was my wonderful kid who was in pain and acting out, but that was my feeling when I was frustrated and overwhelmed.
Thank you so much. This sounds like my kid right now. Familiar. Definitely gonna try to get him volunteering specially with him. ❤️
My Dad built a cross and said he was going to crucify me. But I would just take away his entertainment and replace it with one on one time. It can be silent if he wants, but we are just going to stare at each other until we figure this out.
I used to be a teacher. You’ve gotten some pretty good advice, and some not as good. Try to show him you’re on his team and willing to hear him out. But there’s also a line, gotta be respectful of the educational process and not disrupt your classmates’ learning or your teachers’ work – they are people too.
Also if you’re in the US and within weeks of school being out, I wouldn’t recommend switching classes unless there’s no other option.
What is going wrong in 4th period? Are the other classes going okay?
Take away all of his electronics. No phone, no video games, nothing. He can use his school computer for homework, and when homework is done, put the computer in your room. Tell him he can earn hid electronics back when acts better.
Tell him you’ll be sitting in on the class to assist the teacher with his behavior. Show up and embarrass the fuck out of him.