Bit of long one here, but here goes…
I(39m) went through my wife’s(36f) phone due some suspicions I’ve recently had over her and a co-worker.
This past weekend we were on a trip, with some of her friends and coworkers. I noticed that she and one of her co workers seemed suspiciously friendly, and I tended to be somewhat ignored or forgot about at various times throughout the weekend when we all hung out together. We all went out late Saturday night, and she’d had a little more to drink than she should have. I got upset with her downing tequila shots after she was already too far gone, and left to go back to the hotel. About an hour and a half later, she finally arrives back to the hotel, being helped out of the cab and walked down the hallway by the co-worker in suspicion, and her brother. If she wasn’t out with her brother, I wouldn’t have left her at the bar, he’s a great guy and we get along well.
The part that got me being suspicious here, is that her co-worker had already gone back to the hotel, before I had even left the bar. So needless to say I was a bit surprised to find out that instead of asking me to come get her, she texts him to go back to the bar and help her get back to the hotel. Her excuse is that I was mad at her and she didn’t think I would help. We’ve been together for ~17 years and have 2 children together.
Now for the part where I go through her phone.
I find that on this Saturday night, while I had gone back to the hotel, they’d been messaging each other in what my opinion was a flirty tone, things like “come party with us!” To which his response was “you come here 😉” then her saying she just wants a dance.
After this discovery, I decided to dig deeper into some of the messages from the preceding weeks. I come to find that the weekend before, while just she and myself were away on a trip for just us, with no kids, she was messaging him basically the entire weekend. Selfies back and forth, videos of live music, things that we were supposed to be sharing and enjoying together, she just had to share with him. While I thought we were having a good time, and to be honest we were, she was messaging him the whole time. Like to point of talking all night long while I’m sleeping right beside her, talking until 6:30 in the morning when we had to be up at 7:30… she’d also been coming home from work and messaging him from the time she got home, until well into the morning.
Now for the fun part. I finish going through her phone, collect my evidence, and confront her. She’s shocked that I went through her phone, and doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong. She said if she’d thought she’d done anything wrong that she would’ve deleted it. What a confidence boost that was to know that she’s potentially been deleting and hiding things she doesn’t want me to see… so fast forward a day, I get home, and ask to see her phone again. She suspiciously denies, so I bide my time until I can get my hands on it. Well wasn’t I shocked to find that conversations had now been deleted. I confront her again, and she says “well you’ve already got the evidence, what’s the point in me keeping it?” So I asked her if she’d been talking to him that day, she says no, he text her but she didn’t text back. So if that’s the case, why is the conversation deleted? Another day goes by, I pester her again about the deleted conversation, which should’ve shown up in recently deleted items but suspiciously didn’t. Turns out she HAD text him and lied to my face about it. Then deleted it and removed it from recently deleted.
Pretty sure I’m nta, but thats my own opinion.
I’ve never been in a situation like this before and honestly don’t know what to do. I’m torn up from the inside out and the thought of my family being torn apart and these last 17 years being a waste (other than my 2 beautiful children) is eating at me from the inside.
Comments
Why did you marry a woman you don’t trust?
hey first off.. i just want to say i’m really sorry you’re going through this. that kind of emotional weight and betrayal is incredibly heavy and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling torn and overwhelmed. you’re not the bad guy here for wanting clarity especially when your gut was already telling you something was off and you ended up finding proof of things that crossed boundaries.
what you’re feeling isn’t overthinking or paranoia.. it’s your heart trying to protect itself. it’s not just about the messages, it’s about trust, honesty, and how someone treats your relationship when you’re not looking. and it’s okay to be hurt that while you thought you were sharing moments with her she was choosing to share them with someone else.
whatever you choose to do next just know you’re allowed to ask for transparency. you’re allowed to want respect. and most of all you deserve to feel like the person you’ve built a life with is standing by your side, not talking behind your back. i hope you give yourself space to breathe and feel it all without rushing to fix it or blame yourself.
you’re not alone in this and it’s okay to take time to figure out what you need.. whatever that looks like
YTA things that never happened
You didn’t snoop because you’re controlling, you snooped because your wife was hiding and prioritizing another man in ways that betray a committed relationship. She deleted messages, lied to your face, and continues to minimize and deflect instead of showing remorse or taking accountability.
it’s wild how cheaters always act more violated by the snooping than the betrayal they’re actively hiding
From the outside looking in, it appears at the very least your wife is having an emotional affair. As much as that sucks, I would find it hard to believe it isn’t the truth. You are going to need to draw a hard line in the sand regarding this coworker. You are going to need to have a 100% open and honest conversation with your wife or this marriage is toast! I feel for you!
It’s completely understandable that you felt the need to look through her messages given the circumstances. When something doesn’t feel right, our instincts kick in, and it’s hard not to seek out answers. You’ve invested so much time and love into your marriage, and wanting clarity is totally normal. I can imagine how painful it must be to find those messages and realize she was sharing moments with someone else instead of with you.
Yes, what you are describing is past common friendship and into at least emotional cheating.
NTA
NTA. She either physically cheated, emotionally cheated, or wanted to. To what degree you’re willing to accept/work on things is up to you.
Sorry my guy this sucks
NTA but stop wasting time asking to see her phone again. You have your answer, now start part planning on your moves (a life without her)
The reality is you followed your gut and it was right. She emotionally checked out, chose someone else’s attention over yours, and then deleted the evidence. That’s cheating in my books. You’re not the asshole. You’re just the only one in the relationship acting like you’re in one.
NTA. A lot of redditors think going through your significant others phone is a big NO. If I have suspicions, i am going through that phone. F your privacy. Privacy goes out the window if I think you’re doing something you’re not suppose to. I would be very offended if my SO texted anybody let alone someone of the opposite gender on our trip non stop. What kind of fuckery is that. Your wife needs to have a reality check and hopefully this is it.
I am so sorry that you are going through this because I know the feeling. Every time someone goes through their significant other’s phone and finds things that show they’re cheating, they always throw the “you did something wrong by going through my phone and you don’t trust me” bullshit. If they weren’t being untrustworthy, they wouldn’t be in this situation. You are definitely NTAH. She is, so is her coworker.
Maybe she’s cheating on you because you’re a boring asshole?
Doesn’t matter if ur the ah or NTA. Just divorce the woman. Tell her u love her so much ur gonna set her free so she can be with her coworker.
Don’t date her don’t do stuff with her. Don’t take her nowhere. Hang out with ur kids live ur own life.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this, so I’m even sorrier to tell you she is absolutely having an affair. I wouldn’t even give her a chance to deny it- it’s just too obvious. Do what you will with the info you have.
NTA- what she is doing is emotional cheating. If she is more mad about you gong through her phone then how her actions affected you is a major red flag.
She’s overstepped and emotionally cheating and she’s 100% in the wrong. You did good. NTA
NTAH she’s emotionally cheating on you.
Lol and how would she react to you sending messages to some female colleague whole night…
Leave her, she has no respect for you
Updateme
NTA. Your wife is emotionally cheating on you at this point. If you don’t stop it now it’ll likely become physical if it hasn’t already. Sorry dude, your marriage is likely screwed.
You can’t trust her. Time to end it and move on. Find someone you can trust. Life is too short to put up with crap like she is doing to you. It isn’t going to end well for you.
Life is hard and marriage is even harder. She is definitely dancing way too close to the fire. Tell her that you love her and want to save your marriage and that couseling is a must. Stop asking to see her phone and make an appointment asap. Discuss these issues with a counselor present.
This guys is not the problem; he is a symptom of a deeper issue. I think your marriage can be saved but both of you have to do your part. If she refuses couseling, you will have to decide if you can live like this or not.
NTA.
She likely did delete the worse stuff, I’m really sorry OP.
“If the texts were bad I would have deleted them!” Vs “I would never cheat and have nothing to hide”
You know what’s going on. Your next step is to call a lawyer.
She’s cheating on you. Time to make your choice about what you’re gonna do about it. You are NTA.
Updateme
NTA. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sounds like she is at least emotionally cheating. My soon-to-be-ex’s relationship with his affair partner started this way and he would tell me it was okay because they were “just friends”. I accepted that for far too long. He ended up physically cheating with her and I found out from her husband who called me to tell me he found them at a hotel. I know my experience isn’t everyone’s, but I could have written part of your story about a year ago. You might have to decide if you can trust her in order to fix things and move forward.
In a marriage the phone should be available to each to look at. All should be an open book. NTA. Your wife is in at the very least an emotional affair with the coworker. Perhaps more. She needs to quite her job or the affair will continue.
nope, the fact alone she said she WOULD delete them if she was doing something wrong tells me everything I need to know.
I’m lost. You know your wife is betraying your marriage.
Aren’t you able to see that and recognize that your marriage is over.
Leave her. Divorce her. She broke trust and is now then likely cheating.
Sounds like she just admitted to deleting the worse content…
NTA
Lying in a marriage is the beginning of the end.
Your wife is in love or lust with her coworker. She’s giving him more energy than she’s giving you. She’s a lousy liar and basically admitted to having secret conversations with this guy.
Your marriage seems to have a shelf life that’s advancing. If she cannot do couples counseling with you, I’d see a family law attorney and get smart about the process where you live.
Your wife is having an emotional affair! I hope for you that it is not physical!
But if she continues like this it’s a matter of time!
She told you she had nothing to hide what explanation did she give you for the deleted messages?
My limits are! Emergency
Because if you saw that he had something weird then so did the others
He stops seeing him, cuts all contact 0 contact!
If she doesn’t want to hear anything, you’ll just have to divorce, I’m really sorry for you!
I don’t know did you go through her phone and read messages from her female friends perhaps she messages them exactly the same way and just as often
You can be suspicious, but snooping isn’t the answer. O believe just talking to her would be best. It could be nothing and being sneaky is a good way to piss off a woman, especially if she’s completely innocent. Most women believe that if a man is accusing her of cheating that he is projecting his own guilt onto her.
And women can be friends with guys without the slightest hint of sexual undertones, whereas men believe they cannot, so that’s where the distrust start starts forming
NTA and you should probably talk to a lawyer. She is having an affair. Read Nancy Glass’s “Not Just Friends”.
Regarding what to do, read up on Sunk Cost Fallacy. If you understand why it’s a fallacy, you will be better able to avoid it.
Sorry to hear. It’s only downhill from here. Plan for an exit and upgrade to a newer model.
Your wife is fully in the throes of an affair. She knew exactly what the winky face was got and countered with she just wanted to dance. They have already been fucking my man. Start calling lawyers. She already has one.
If she won’t do anything then go to her job and confront her co-worker. You need to raise hell on both of them. You need to be very assertive with your wife. No Mr. Nice understanding guy. Forget infidelity for a second. Her messenenging with him is an egregious disrespect to you as her husband. Tell you not going for it. Stay on it every day. Don’t back down.
To save your marriage you need to take the gloves off.
Liars are going to lie. She’s not going to admit any wrongdoing, play the victim and shift the blame on you. This is Cheater 101 s**t, I’d be so done with her a**. Honestly, I’ve never cheated. If I was unhappy, I just left, and it was over.
Divorce her. Save yourself years of trouble.
NTA she claimed she didn’t delete any of it because it wasn’t bad (it is) now she’s actively deleting all msgs, so which is it, does she see it as wrong or not.
Put it to her bluntly if on that trip you were exchanging constant msgs with a female co worker, would she be totally chill and trusting.
If they haven’t already they’ll end up sleeping together, you don’t share that much of your life outside of work with someone that doesn’t matter
Man up, confront this coworker!
Explain what happens when you cross the line with a married woman.
Your bigger problem is your wife, she is promoting this behavior.
This marriage is taking on water, bail or swim.
Lawyer up and protect yourself
NTA.
Get your ducks in a row cuz she IS cheating. May not have reached physicality yet, but it’s 100% emotional cheating. She’s gaslighting, lying, hiding, being manipulative… don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy either. Yes, 17 years is a long time, but it doesn’t excuse all the crap stuff she’s done.
Personally, I would invade her privacy at the highest levels. Not to have anything for court, but totally illegal surveillance. Trust but confirm as they say. If it were me, I would have a recording device in her car, in the room. Listen to her calls. I would go through the phone bill to see how often and long she calls him. There would be a tracker on her car, her phone. Her iCloud would be logged into an old phone and I would read her texts.
I guarantee within a week you’ll know more than you want to know, and you’ll have your answer of what to do.
Not for a second would I let her know about whatever I found. I would delete it. If I decided to stay because it was all an overreaction, well so be it, hide my surveillance in shame. If I found she crossed my line, I no longer owe her honesty or explanations for why I’m leaving her.
So many people will hate what I just said, invasion of privacy, creepy, stalker. Whatever, she is already emotionally cheating, sneaking, hiding, lying, breaking bonds, fuck her. None of it would be used, go public or get kept. None or it would be admissible in divorce court. But I would find out for sure who I was dealing with. And if you’re wondering, hell yeah I’ve done it. Call me a stalker, I didn’t use it as a means to find her to do something, I did it to see if I should get the hell out, and I did get out. Turned out once a cheater, always a cheater, yeah, this guy was her third side guy over the years.
Once I had what I needed, I removed all the electronics and just moved on.
NTA even if it’s not physical yet it’s an emotional affair. I wonder if you tell her you want a divorce if she would dump him immediately. He’s her entertainment and she feels like she’s getting attention that’s new. It’s up to you to figure out what you want don’t let her control your life.
What she’s doing is cheating, wether it’s physical or not.
Oh my god the deflecting. I caught my ex on tinder and he did the same thing, started whining about not respecting his privacy. It’s a distraction tactic. Ur wife sucks. After 17 years & 2 kids you’d think that someone wouldn’t do you dirty and be sneaking around yet people like her exist. I’m 23 years old and check in with my friends every few days. She has a whole family and has been going back n forth with this guy day & night. Wow.
Messaging a co-worker of the opposite sex personal things that have nothing to do with work is not ok.
Updateme!
Stop talking about the messages and start talking about the emotional affair going on here. The texts are simply the product of her switching emotional support to another man.
Sorry you are going through this.
You are at a point you are likely going to have to decide to fight for your marriage or possibly end it. A terrible place to be either way especially with a lying partner.
Here is an old reddit post that might give some insight. Older couple who fought through a potential emotional affair and got through it. Food for thought if you want to fight for your marriage, this also involved a co-worker. Lots of comments on it as well from people in your position or those who fought this at differing times.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/9ufd2v/i_moved_to_nip_an_affair_in_the_making_and_it/?share_id=KRGKyGSwhfEL86OFzDhhF&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1&rdt=58810
Best of luck and praying for your family.
So sorry she is putting you through this. Time for you to demand transparency, honesty, accountability and boundaries.
Updateme
Definitely go to her work and confront the dude and make a big ol scene. Public humiliation is underrated in my opinion. Does her work have an HR department? Forward the information. What do you have to lose? She is already lying to your face. And what is one thing all cheaters are? Liars.
In what fucking world is snooping someone’s phone more of a hideous act then cheating?she sounds fucking horrible and if she is not fucking this douche bag she soon will be. Get your shit in order dude because this isn’t going to end well.
Did you(have to) ask what the guy meant by “you come here”?
Bc that tells me everything there is to know about this(obvious) affair.
Get your ducks in a row now bc your marriage is over in her eyes. Nothing left to do but divide your assets and sort out custody. Sorry guy.
I always advise against instantly confronting, but getting more evidence
I’m on the fence about the issue of couples snooping through each other’s phones, but IMO you had cause for suspicion, so I won’t call you TA for that.
Your wife is absolutely 💯 having an emotional affair, and possibly a physical one as well. She’s been cheating on you for a long time, and her defensive attitude about her behaviour, and trying to sink the evidence, would have me reevaluating my marriage.
I’m sorry.
You had probable cause, dude. And you can be certain that if the roles were reversed she’d do the same.
First off there is a difference in privacy and secrecy. This is secrecy and has no place in marriage. Next she is having an emotional affair. Read not just friends but Shirley glass. He’s not a friend and he’s not just a coworker. She has crossed the boundaries esp now that she is deleting messages. An emotional affair can be worse than a physical one bc they have had time to cultivate an emotional bond. They have built a relationship outside your relationship. She has let someone else into the circle of your relationship and has been letting someone else be her emotional support instead of you. It sounds like she is in the thick of it op. She is aware or wouldn’t already be fighting to cover it up. This has to end like now. No contact even if it means new employment. If she stays in contact then you need to boot her ass. Sometimes realizing the depth that they have sunk and the cost of losing marriage wakes them up but only if they break contact completely. It usually doesn’t get any better but worse if they remain in contact with the affair partner and that is what he is.
She’s hoping to gaslight lie and darvo you into thinking you’re crazy insecure and jealous. Do not let her get away with thinking this is anything less than a full blown emotional affair period.
Good luck op. I wish you peace in your mind and heart and a spine of steel. Updateme
Fight for your marriage! Unless you are okay with sharing her with another man, your marriage is in real jeopardy. You have to nip this in the bud. Draw a hard boundary with this guy, get her to read “ not just friends” . Convince her/ shock her if necessary to show her she is on the edge of a cliff with your relationship. Show her how much she means to you and you are not trying to be controlling but coming at this from the viewpoint of your relationship together is precious, you love her and you want to safeguard it. But then verify, call out any lying deception and escalate your approach appropriately. Maybe time to move out of the bedroom! Overreacting is not as devastating as letting this emotional connection flourish. Myself I would have a come to Jesus chat with the AP to get him to back off as well
Good luck my guy. Best of luck on the divorce.
You think they’ve slept together? Cause emotionally she’s already with him.
Your two beautiful kids need to learn that you don’t stay in a bad relationship and continue to get abused. File for divorce and full custody. That’s your bargaining chip.
NTA. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and we ALWAYS have access to each other’s phone. There is NO WAY I would be texting another male like that to well into the morning. That is definitely crossing boundaries. Now, I definitely don’t believe the answer is to go straight to divorce, you’ve got 2 kids to think about and 17 years together, but there does need to be some counseling maybe, and some hard truth conversations. I am truly sorry you’re going through this and pray that somehow it can all be salvaged.
NTA. Your wife is having an emotional affair. To me, that is cheating. Do with that what you will.
In the cheaters handbook, page 8, subsection A, states, “always deny, attack, and reverse the victim.” “I can’t believe that you went through my phone and found my infidelity. How dare you, that was supposed to happen behind your back.”
OP what you are witnessing is either an emotional affair or a physical affair. Probably both to be honest.
Let me add, privacy in a relationship is being able to go to the bathroom with the door closed. Secrecy is hiding things behind your partner’s back. This is coming from someone who has been married over 44 years, so I think I’m qualified to know the difference.
That’s not cool. She knew what she did was wrong.
Your wife is clearly having an emotional affair which will possibly lead to physically cheating if she keeps going down this path. Instead of checking her phone every day (this is only going to make her get better at hiding the conversations via a hidden app or second phone and create more issues with you) seek out marriage counseling.
Sorry to hear this. Lock it up and focus on self. Like Cher said do you believe in love after love?
That sounds like at the very least an emotional affair, for Christ’s sake she’s non stop sharing a holiday for two, with her third. I’d suggest couples therapy to talk it out. NTA. She gave you reasons to lose trust, and then got mad when you did. F that.
NTA this is how it always starts. Always. She knows what she’s doing is wrong and the coworker knows what he’s doing as well. If nothings happened something is going to happen and if you guys split or take a break you know exactly where her first stop is. I feel for you man.
It’s over, brother. You’ll bounce back, but the sooner you end it the better.
My wife can go through my phone whenever she wants. Why? Because I have nothing to hide. She never does but that option is always open to her. Obviously she is having an affair. Even if it’s not physical which by the winky face emoji it is. It’s still an affair mentally and a betrayal of trust. Switch the rolls around and tell me that if you were texting a woman all night every night she wouldn’t care. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your kids. It’s selfish of her and obviously it’s time to move some things around financially to protect yourself for the future.
YTA. Your always the asshole if your resorting to snooping rather then just have a straight up conversation. You also created the situation that you used to justify your snooping. Why would she call you after you left in anger? No no matter what no answer will ever be good enough for you.
When did we evolve to lose a back bone.
Not even sure why this is a question on here, you know what to do
NTA – if it hasn’t already gotten father, this is definitely the beginning of an emotional affair and she’s gaslighting and lying to you.
Deleting messages is a huge red flag, and the fact she said to your face, she would’ve deleted the other messages if she thought you were going to go through her phone is even worse
Your instincts are correct here I would take some more serious action, maybe even get a private investigator to check on them and gather evidence
Her texting him while you too were away on a romantic vacation to me is absolute cheating. I don’t know how you come back from this.
Personally, I would consider talking to a lawyer and drawing a divorce papers
All in all, realize that your wife is never ever yours. It’s just your turn.
NTA – and this is a full blown affair, not a ‘maybe’, this is full blown emotional cheating, people get divorced for less.
NTA.
I am really sorry you’re going through this. This is cheating, whether anything physical has happened…yet! Because it surely will if she’s prioritizing another man. If something is funny enough to cause suspicion and your gut to scream that something is awry, then it typically is.
Please prepare and get your things in order for what you know you need to do for the betterment of your own mental health and your kids.
My favorite line against cheater redirect is we have privacy in the bathroom hiding conversations with other men or women is secrecy and secrets break marriages. Updateme