I saw a question like this earlier but i guess i want to cater it a bit toward my situation. I’m 22 and I’ve been dealing with anger problems since i started high school. i’ve gotten into a lot of fights but i haven’t gotten in one in about 2 years. that being said, there is always a “background emotion” (don’t know how else to put it) of anger. I’m angry pretty much the whole day and I have violent and sometimes even homicidal fascinations throughout the day. I do have some other underlying mental health conditions but this feels separate from that. I ask this here because my dad said he used to get in fights when he was younger but that he’s become pretty chilled out with age. when can i expect to start easing up?
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you don’t
you just control it better
We don’t, we move away from people who irritate us
You will ease up as soon as you decide to do so.
It’s not a chronological thing. You have to decide that you are going to change your way of seeing the world and how you react.
Have you talked to a therapist? If not, please do. You will only hurt your career and relationships if you don’t.
I would say you just get better at controlling it and making it work for you.
Eventually you realize the only person to be angry at is yourself.
>my dad said he used to get in fights when he was younger
There it is. Please reach out to a mental health professional who can help you with therapy and medication. Those are not normal background thoughts and you should really problematize this
For me, it happened when I had children. Little kids do stupid shit all the time, and you just have to laugh at it after a while.
I had seething rage when I was in my teens and 20s because of some very trying circumstances during my youth. In my 60s, I almost never get mad any more. The difference is wisdom you gain as you get older (although not everyone gets wisdom). Wisdom teaches you to think of the consequences and the longer term, and just to ignore the little things that can trigger you.
If you’re angry enough to hit someone, you need to address that specifically. If what I say above doesn’t help, see if you can speak to a trusted family friend, pastor, or therapist. It will probably pass, but don’t let it send you to jail before you figure out the futility of it.
When we stop taking steroids.
It doesn’t happen by magic. You might get less violent at around 26-28 when the frontal lobe becomes fully developed and you gain a better understanding of consequences.
But for the most part, you have to work on it and continue to work on it. It’s definitely possible to beat the wrath, but it requires work.
I’d suggest that you try therapy right away and begin working on your anger before you do something you’ll regret.
After you do something awful and are forced to live with that kind of post-outburst shame. Some people learn from it and some don’t.
Please try to learn from it or from others.
That’s less a man thing and more a you thing.
You’ve been dealing with anger issues for the better part of a decade. That means you need to address it with a professional. They won’t just magically go away when you hit some arbitrary age. YOU have to address it. Good luck to you!
I don’t feel like it gets better. I just know how to control it now. Minimize outburst.
I largely walk my frustration out now.
when you decide to make a change in your life in control. It doesn’t happen on its own.
you need anger management therapy. Getting into a lot of fights is not normal. homicidal fantasies are not normal.
Nah dawg it only get worse
I grew out of emotionally reacting to things before I was 12.
You have a problem with me?
Huh?
You never lose anger for righteous reasons. But you do tend to ease up and let the small stuff slide as you get older. You learn that the only thing you can control 100% of the time is how you react to things.
I didn’t get there until my 40s, but I feel like you’re ahead of the game by recognizing the problem now. I started meditating daily and that made a huge difference. I also went to therapy.
I’m 41 and I’ve never been an angry guy. Have certain situations or things made me angry before? Of course, but I’ve never had an undercurrent of anger to me. My father on the other hand is a VERY angry man and I believe would kill someone who crossed him the wrong way. He carries a gun with him in his car too; not a great combo. Needless to say we don’t have a great relationship and live on opposite coasts.
Some people learn to control themselves and some don’t. My grandfather and my father had awful anger issues and liked to fight all the way up until they died. I just turned 30 and have learned to let things go and I don’t seem to get angry much anymore, just annoyed.
What are your stressors in life? Reduce them and you’ll likely reduce your angeranxietystress.
Things ease up in when you decide to put less emotion and reaction into things. You need more tools to use and put in front of your anger. Things to do before you get angry. Things that made me angry at 20 are laughable at 40.
I’ve been angry my whole life and it’s exhausting. It’s my go to emotion. It’s was a survival emotion that protected myself, but it can be isolating. I’m married with two kids and about 11 years out from retirement.
I’ve been able to control it for the most part, but I have had homicidal fantasies and enacting revenge upon a few who have done me wrong.
Personally I have wanted to chemically castrate it, and be on meds for the rest of my life just to have the satisfaction of never being angry again. Unfortunately doctors don’t support that. Best work around is CBD oil/gummies. Higher doses can emotionally flatline you and sometimes it’s a welcome reprieve.
Therapy helps as it will try to change your perspective on how to view any interaction/conversation/potential conflict. I try to view most personal situations in the third person as to try and remove emotion from it. Compartmentalizing has helped in short term situations. Doing a brain dump at night into a journal has helped too. You have to realize when you are pointlessly spinning yourself up and stop it.
As an angry person you need make allowances for it, but have ultimate control over it. Have outlets. Use the outlets. Make sure you make efforts to reduce it too. Remove yourself or avoid situations you know it will make you angry.
When you finally process your trauma
Less?
You need therapy to find out why you’re so angry. This isn’t normal.
When we work through our shit and have no reason to be angry all the time.
Ever present anger is an indication of fear.
Maybe your life has given you good reasons to be afraid, angry, ready to fight. If this is still going on, you’ll need to change your situation.
If you feel this default aggression because of the past, but it’s no longer really relevant today, you’ll need to work through it in some way or ways. This involves letting yourself feel things you’ve been avoiding.
This is really frightening on a deep level. It takes a lot of guts to do it. But IME once you do it, it’s over quickly and you’re free of one of the things that’s holding you in a fearful, aggressive state.
I used to have pretty significant anger issues but they have improved a lot since I became a dad at age 29. It helped me get perspective about what’s important and remember that a kid is always watching how I behave and react to things. Also, that’s around the time I started getting effective treatment for ADHD and depression which also helped with my emotional regulation.
Everyone you love will leave you, then you will be alone and therefore have fewer people to get angry at.
Hotheads don’t have a place in society. Cool your head or be alone and miserable, those are your options
Not all men experience this.
You have to stop seeing everything as something to react to. Prioritize what you value in life, health, people, safety. Only react when there is danger. Not everything needs you be aggressive towards it. Your opinion doesnt need to be a part of every interaction. Watch things happen, smile more, drive slow.
This is not a man thing, you need professional help.
It doesn’t happen on its own.
It happens if and when you learn to control yourself, to refocus your emotions, to control and turn your focus onto different values. To questions of the anger you feel is valid or you’re reading negativity into the situation.
Or it doesn’t
Around the age they start therapy.
The age at which men seek help, e.g. therapy, to deal with the underlying issues.
Idk it’s probably different for everyone.
Not everyone is angry all the time.
I wasn’t.
Go chop some firewood.
Philosophy. Gratitude. Exercise. Self reflection and if necessary therapy
26
Idk if it’s exactly a man thing. I’m 34 and my whole life I never really get mad about anything. Never been in a fight and rarely ever even been what I would consider angry. I’m also not very opinionated. Find something that relaxes you and focus on that.
I’m not sure how you can’t be angry with the stat of the world today. Feels like I’m just getting angrier as the years pass.
I found I was pretty angry until my late 20s, probably due to the tough time I had during my upbringing, and also lived in some rough places where violence was fairly common. I can certainly relate to how others can end up being like that. Best thing is to keep away from bars, suburbs etc where angry/violent people congregate and don’t hang out with people who are like that.
It’s helpful to have an outlet to hone your energy into something productive.
I’m in my 40s now. Anger doesn’t really exist for me these days. Conflict can still arise, particularly in personal and work relationships, but when it does, it’s usually well deserved, driven by blatant disrespect or something equally unfair.
It’s you who needs to choose to let go, to dismiss the emotional response, and analyze the situation for a more rational response. It’s you alone who can dismiss the instinct of your subconscious and choose to be calm.
Many of us have a lot of small lessons to learn, a lot of childhood trauma to move past, a lot of learned behaviour to unlearn.
Anger is a miserable emotion, and as we get older, is a sign of immaturity, stress, confusion or fear. I encourage all of you to challenge yourself to let it go, to shake it off, to chill the fuck out, and to find contentment in the calm.
You don’t, unless you start making a conscious change.
Perspective helps- at all ages- understanding where you want to go helps quiet the small issues in the here and now
It’s not going to magically happen because it’s not tied to being a man. You may have gotten tendencies from your dad and I wouldn’t necessarily write it off as being separate from other underlying mental health conditions. They could play a part (not saying they are, just that there’s a chance).
You know you want to be better, begin to work on yourself now and you’ll get there.
You learn to control it. It’s one of the bare minimum skills of being an adult. If you can’t figure out how to self regulate on your own, therapy can be helpful.
“That’s my secret… I’m always angry.”
The key is to channel it for good. Stoicism might help you.
About 28-29 I honestly stopped fuckin caring.
You can’t control how you feel but you do control how you act on those feelings. Fighting is a way of acting on angry feelings. There are other options. Find some that work for you. For example, how do people you respect handle it when they are angry?
There’s plenty to be angry about, but as you get wiser you understand the world better. Understanding is a necessary step to acceptance. Once you accept things the way they are, you no longer have an angry reaction to perceived injustice.
You just understand the psychological mechanisms of society, and work with them instead of try and oppose them.
That’s the secret… You become more present by accepting life as is as you age.
I’ve never been particularly angry.