I am happily married to my husband. When dating, we both early on discussed our desire to have children (or even adopt) and have a family of our own. My question is: I’ve never had a “deep desire” that I “HAVE” to be a mother or it’s my “destiny” to be a mother or “I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother.”
In part, until I met my husband, I never saw myself wanting to a mother due to the fact that I was never in healthy relationships where I felt my partner could have been a good father or supported me how I would need to be in order to co-parent with them.
My question is, does that mean I “shouldn’t” be a mother if it’s not ever been a deep-down desire of mine to be a mother or felt that it’s something I “HAVE TO BE.”??
Comments
You don’t have to be a mother.
Not necessarily. I never had a single shred of maternal instinct nor strong desire to be a mother, and I definitely never liked other kids much. But also, I couldn’t imagine my life without one? It’s hard to explain. I did want to raise my own kid, and husband and I talked a lot and decided on it together. I now have my only (4yo son). I love him more than anything in the world and have never once regretted becoming a mom.
It’s a really personal choice. You don’t have to be a mom for any particular reason, but not having any maternal instincts or whatever isn’t an indication that you shouldn’t or won’t be good at it if that’s what you want!
I think it’s really hard for women to parse out fear of pregnancy and childbirth from their feelings about having children. I’ve noticed in many couples I know women are like, “yeah I might like to be a mom, maybe we can adopt” and men are all in on popping out their biological kids because it’s much less labor intensive for them, pun intended.
I was pretty much “let’s see what happens” and found I was really disappointed the first month I wasn’t pregnant, which was a surprise. And I love being a mom. That’s not to say my experience would be your experience, but I found the prospect of pregnancy so terrifying it overshadowed any mom instincts for a while.
It sounds like you need to work on sorting out your thoughts and feelings about potential parenthood because the only person qualified to answer this question is you. What are your expectations of what motherhood would be like? How would being a mom fit into your identity and the life you are living and want to live in the future? Think about hard choices and situations parents can face; what would you do in those situations? There isn’t any right answer anyone else can give you because it is all incredibly personal and specific to you.
Nah, I was pretty similar to you. I never really felt strongly about it one way or another. What I had landed on was that I could be happy with children in my life and I could be happy without children in my life, and ultimately it would just come down to what my future spouse wanted. My husband has wanted children since the day he was born, and is great with kids. I’m 25W pregnant with our first, and I’m really happy to be doing this, and I’m excited about it now. I don’t think I’ll ever get that feeling of “I was BORN for this”, but I am very excited and happy that this is the direction my life has taken.
Just make sure you make a conscious decision about it, no matter what that decision is. Even if the final decision is “could be happy with or without!” You want to know where you stand, and what you want out of life. Nobody else can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be/do/feel.
I mean. My spouse and I were talking one day, and I said, “should we have kids?” And he said, “yeah, probably.”
We definitely went into it as more of a “why not” than “this is a need.” We would have been content without kids. But I’m thrilled we had them.
No. You don’t need to have some overwhelming emotion. Do you want a family? I did and that is why I have 2 kids with another on the way.
I am not really excited by babies but I love my children. It is a love that grows.
Not at all. I am in the camp of “always knew I wanted children” and when we actually decided to and said it was time to start trying it still felt absolutely and utterly terrifying. Like we were jumping off a cliff together honestly and I almost threw up when I saw the positive test. And I still don’t have a damn clue what I’m doing with our 11 week old. I just know that she was meant for us and we her. But, I didn’t feel that until I met her if that makes sense.
Kind of like climbing a mountain-I’d assume not every mountaineer knew from Kinder that they wanted to climb mountains-but once they start training and get that dream in their mind and actually do the thing-they understand what it feels like to reach the top. They would’ve never known without seeing the top, but once they’re there they know what it means to them.
Totally on the same page with you in every way. I don’t think it’s worth becoming a mother unless you really want to, personally. I don’t mean to discount or degrade people who become mothers in any way, or people who end up becoming mothers due to uncontrollable circumstances. We are fortunate to be able to make that choice. But by choosing for yourself, either way, you can be the best human being you can be. And to me, that’s what life is all about. My mom always wanted to become a mom and she threw her heart and soul into raising me and my brother. I’m so grateful to her for that and I can’t imagine being a mother unless I were willing to match her level of dedication. (Personally I have never had any strong desire to become a mom either)
First, remember that you and your husband became a family already, when you exchanged your vows.
If you’re thinking of adding to your family, I think it’s okay to have some hesitation. I know people who say that they’d have been happy either way, but they are delighted with having kids now.
If you feel children would add something positive to an already wonderful family, go for it.
You don’t need an overwhelming pull to it at all. I’m a mom and I never had a “motherly” instinct. I almost was content with not having children. It was more of a “if it happens, cool” feeling. My husband wanted children more than I did but he also was okay if it never happened for us.
We kind of did a trying/ no trying method and just left it up to fate. I got pregnant and the rest is history. She’s 4 now and is the best thing in the world. But even so, I’m not like a crazy motherly woman. I love being a mom but it’s not my whole personality.
I’m also done having kids. One is enough for me and I’m satisfied in my motherhood journey.
Generally speaking, if it’s not a, “Hell yeah!”, it’s a no.
I’m so glad I made the decision to have kids before I ever discovered Reddit or spent any time on the Internet lol. The things people believe about motherhood on here are just astounding and don’t ring true in my life at all. It never occurred to me that I had to have a deep, lifelong yearning to be a mother in order to be one. I never thought about it, I never cared one iota about other people’s kids, and I never once felt a longing or a destiny or that my identity hinged on being a mother. I just wanted kids one day and ended up having three 😁
As a parent of three, who was really really really into being a parent, I don’t think anyone should be a parent who isn’t crazy for it because it’s a crapshoot. It’s such a crapshoot. Even when it goes really well it can be just so incredibly difficult. So if you’re really really into it, I think you can whether they’re really really shocking, surprises like illnesses and head injuries andlearning disabilities and seizure disorders, and all kinds of things. That people think won’t happen to them. But if you’re not really into it, then you just get to the no sleep part or the kid bashing their head into your nose part and you’re done. So don’t have a kid unless you’re really really really into it.