I’m (M21) not sure if this is the right subreddit for this but here goes.
Like any person out there in the world, I want love, I want to be loved and I want to love someone completely. I want to hold them when they’re feeling sad or anxious and tell them itll be ok. I want to cheer them up, kiss them silly and adore every silly thing about them. I want to be a person they can be themselves around and protect them from the world.
But, I’m equally as scared of it. Like an unhealthy amount. My mom had a very bad marriage with my dad being physically abusive to the point that she would threaten to kill herself and I would wake early the next day and see if she was still alive. Growing up in that environment i think sort of made me not too optimistic with the institution of marriage and relationships in general to the point i dont even know what a healthy marriage/relationship looks like. (im from a pretty patrirachal culture, so divorce is frowned upon).
My brother always tells me I should date, but I dont wanna fuck it up with this self-loathing attitude of mine.
I just dont wanna end up like my dad.
Sorry if none of this makes any sense!
Tldr: i have issues lol.
Comments
I totally get this! I my parents marriage isn’t the healthiest and it’s sort of ruined my perception of if but I would just love to be in love. 🙁
I’m hearing a lot of I want to and what ifs and whatnot? It’s not that complicated. If you’re going to be the man of the household, you are going to have to plan accordingly. I would let the other members of the household do what they have to do for themselves. I would understand that in order for a relationship to be successful, we all have to be working together mentally, to ensure our future success and happiness.
So I would probably understand that people are going to behave how they know to behave. There is only so much counseling that we can help others with. Then, I know that I have to leave their situation in the hands of God and just keep on working towards whatever is planned for the relationship family structure.
What you described is normal for people who have grown up in an environment similar to what you described. Hyper vigilance does some crazy shit to your brain. You’re way ahead of things if you’re already aware that this is an issue for you at 21.
Truly the best thing is to go to someone who can help you process those feelings in a constructive way while seeking a partner.
With your experience, it’s understandable for you to be cautious of a relationship. You’re worried for the right reasons. But there’s no way to know what will happen if you never try
I am the same age and lived a very similar family life growing up and you know I hate to think I could be like my dad to a women too but I learned we end up relating to our parents more than we like but we decide on what we choose to take to the next generation and leave behind that other bullshit. U are already thinking about being a better person so I know that your gonna be alright brotha go get some girls
You are not your parents, you already have the consciousness to know that was not normal or healthy. You have the tools to have a loving relationship if you want it, just communicate always with your partner. I think you will be fine.
My parents were similar to yours growing up, I knew from a young age that they were nuts. I’m in a very loving relationship now, nothing like my parents.
It’s possible to be in a healthy partnership after seeing toxic relationships growing up. Sometimes you just have to jump in, even if it’s scary, you won’t know unless you try. And Trust your gut it will tell you if someone is toxic.
My parents have a terrible relationship, to the point I used to beg my dad to just divorce her please so we could have some peace. I just strive to be nothing like either one of them in relationships. Because even though my mom was the root of the problem, my dad’s faults are what allowed him to end up in such a shitty marriage in the first place.
Just focus on what you didn’t like about your parents’ relationship, and do the opposite. And likewise, run the other way if you start seeing those signs in the other person.
Therapy…. This will require some consistent guidance and unpacking this trauma. You need to realize your parents marriage flaws isn’t your burden to carry. You need to let it go. You are not that monster.
You can love someone. You have to let go of fear. If you don’t usually problem solve the same way as your father with friends and family then in a relationship shouldn’t change things. Use your father as an example of what not to be. But I still highly advise therapy.