So my boyfriend and I have been together since we were teenagers. We are now 25. a year ago we moved in together. Ever since he got a PlayStation it became the center of his life. He puts less effort into his business and work because he wants to play. He started his new business and then without trying he says he doesn’t like it and that he doesn’t want to do it. He’s been door-dashing for a living for the past couple months and now he doesn’t even want to do that. We have had this conversation multiple times. I told him that I love him but I need a stable partner for my future. We aren’t little anymore we are adults. I feel like I’m constantly doing more because I am running my own business, going to business school and still am a manager at target. I’m constantly working and even then I do most of the cooking and cleaning. Yesterday I came home from my 4am shift to find him still asleep. He then finally gets up and goes to play. I got so triggered because I just worked 9 hours and woke up at 3am and he’s been asleep the whole time???? Where is the partnership. He says he wants to achieve financial freedom but I don’t see him doing anything to work towards that. I told him that I need a partner who is on the same mindset as me. A partner who will hustle with me so we can reap the fruits of our labor together. He’s really upset saying that I basically told him I don’t accept him and don’t want to be with him unless he has money. That’s not what I meant and I told him I didn’t mean that at all. I have enerve asked for a single penny from him. I provide for myself. I’m only thinking of my future and my future children because I want to be a young mom I want to have a baby already. And at this rate we can’t, I want to be able to have a husband that can provide for us while I care for our baby. What else can I say to him?? Don’t get me wrong, he’s very sweet and caring with me. He takes me on dates and tells me sweet things. But we’re getting to an age where this isn’t enough for a stable and promising future.
Boyfriend is upset because I called him out
r/Advice
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To be blunt, it just sounds like you two are incompatible at this stage of life. It’s incredibly hard to change at this point, so I’d sit down and do some self-reflection on if this is the dynamic you want for the rest of your life
So are you paying for everything?
You know exactly what you need to do. You’ve grown apart. You cannot help people who don’t want to change. Imagine in other way is there ANYTHING your boyfriend can tell you for you to become lazy and just play games? No, there is not, no matter how much logic is behind it. Same, because that is not what you want from life.
There is a big difference in your life goals and lifestyles right now. You have brought this issue up many times.
Let me also ask, who is running the household more? Cleaning, laundry, food, shopping, etc. Is that you as well. Because in that case, you definitely sound like his mom, doing it all, while he sleeps and plays games.
You need to bring this to next level. Soft ultimatum. Be polite and calm about it, but firm and serious. Saying that you are starting to “feel distanced” is sort of neutral way of saying it. If he accuses you of not loving him, this is sort of gaslighting as he is trying to change the actual topic of the talk so you end up apologising. Do not let him do this. If he doesn’t change, you need to realise you will be like this for the rest of your life because by accepting it, you will become the enabler.
To be honest with you, you should give it a shot for the sake of long history, but if he is in complete denial and refusing to even talk about it, there is little that you can do.
Your concerns are 100% valid and your boyfriend is being a manchild. Not sure if he is in denial or just ego is too big to admit that he is not capable of working hard. Could be a mix. But, if he refuses to talk to you openly, you will never find out. End result will be the same.
I think you should consider leaving him. Thank your lucky stars you are not married and don’t have kids. You are still young, you are working and studying hard. There will be a very, very long line of men looking for a woman like you.
It seems like he’s escaping into video games instead of facing…..something. Find out what that something is.
I mean if you stay in this relationship he won’t ever improve anything, he claims to want financial freedom but he doesn’t work except for DoorDash….plus if you stay you’ll just become his nagging motherly girlfriend rather than girlfriend with a guy who actually gives a fuck
There’s a difference between having money and having earning power. Seems like he’s willing to have none of both.
I’m sorry, financial independence and ‘door dash’ doesn’t compute
Gig economy jobs like DoorDash, uber, etc are jobs for people who can’t do math, unless you’re in a very specific area it’s damn near impossible to make even minimum wage with these “jobs”
Sounds like you’ve tied your boat to a lazy and uneducated man, not only is this not conducive to a future family but is this really the best you can do?
More to the point,
Do you know why he fucks around and just plays video games? Because you allow it
When you don’t have a roof over your head head that will make you prioritize what you will do for work. Right now you are a safety net. I do play Xbox, but I wait tell my wife goes to bed. I also know I have to wake up in the morning, so I play games accordingly. Most of my belongings I busted my tail off. I have also done work I hated, but it payed the bills. My wife and I goals are to achieve financial independence which takes hard work. Unless you win the lottery
You grew up, he didn’t. Happens a lot in young relationships. Everyone feels grown as a teen but fact is you have no idea who you’ll even be in 10 years. You became ambitious, he did not. Now you know who he is so you need to decide if he fits into the live you have now and the one you want later. Not the life you used to have.
Time to move on. You need a partner. You have talked to him and he complained that you don’t accept him if he doesn’t have money. He has no drive. If you got sick tomorrow could you count on him to step up? Don’t waste your youth.
You are 25, he’s still a teenager.
Boys take longer to grow up.
He’s not showing any ambition. Has there ever been anything he wanted to pursue as a job?
On the other side you’re full of get up and go and are judging him by the standards you set for yourself.
It may even out by 30 but right now you’re on different development levels.
Some compromise is required if you want this to last.
Tell him to get his shit together immediately or you’re leaving. He’s a grown ass man and being a lazy POS. It might take you leaving him for him to actually grow up for the next girl.
It’s okay to grow apart. Seems like you both have different goals.
Also, I find it funny that he wants financial freedom but doesn’t do anything to get there. At this rate, he’ll only get that from you providing for him.
Do you want to be his mommy?
Because he clearly wants you to be his mommy?
Financial freedom starts with getting a job/income and supporting yourself. If he cannot do that, do NOT have a child with this very tall toddler.
This is your first relationship. You do not have to settle for this. It is up to you to decide. You cannot change him, but you can change your circumstances to stop carrying his dead weight.
ETA: I want to be very clear on this last point. A MAN IS NOT A PLAN. Not a man who tells you sweet things, nor a man who is gainfully employed.
This is not to say SAH marriages cannot work, but too often they become an excuse for the breadwinner to control the purse strings and use that to restrict the lives of a partner.
You are responsible for your life-no matter who is or is not along with you on the ride.
Time to move on . You grew up and are moving forward with your life and he hasn’t. You grew apart and that’s ok. But you need to put yourself first.
You know what you want so move on. Honestly if you love him you will let him go because being with you is also likely stunting him. Trust me it will be better in the long run for both of you.
Why are you two even together
You need to say goodbye.
This happened to me and my wife. I was addicted to a game called Ark for six months. This was a few years before we got married and before our daughter was born. Financially we were fine, but my addiction might as well have been a substance addiction because I spent every free moment I had playing the game. She felt ignored, that I only really cared about myself, and honestly she was right.
One day I woke up after playing all night at 2 or 3 PM. I noticed she and our son was gone but I didn’t think much of it and hopped back on my computer. After several hours I started to worry about her so I tried to call. Her phone was off, or I was blocked. I started searching our apartment and realized important documents like her and my son’s social security cards were gone as well as some of her personal belongings. Some things were left behind though, so I convinced myself that yes she is angry but she will come back. Surely she wouldn’t just ghost me?
The next day is when it hit me, I realized what I’d done and that it was completely my fault. She had tried so hard for months to connect with me even going so far as to try and watch me play the game. She had stood on the stairs almost every night asking me at 2 and 3 am if I want to come to bed and every time I would say “in a minute I’m almost done.” Only to continue playing until sun rise.
I went into complete panic mode, and despair. I uninstalled the game and haven’t played it or any other game like it since. I hit rock bottom emotionally with the realization that I had ruined a relationship with my soul mate and there’s nothing I can do about it. My mother thought I’d have to be committed, I had lost the will to go on and didn’t care anymore about anything.
Several months went by and she contacted me again. We talked all night about the good times, but also I spoke to her about my mistake and how foolish I was for not realizing what I’d done to her.
She ended up taking me back and in a way the experience brought us closer together than ever before. I still play video games, but I make sure it remains a casual hobby and not my life like before. My life now is focused on her, our children, and my work. I usually play now if I have a few hours when everyone’s asleep. One thing is for certain though I’ll never play Ark again as long as I live.
The point of my story is that sometimes us as men especially as his age, I was the same age when this happened as you guys are now, we don’t realize what we’re doing to our partner. We are blinded to it and it’s probably not his intention at all. Maybe you should take a page from my wife and give him a wake up call. Even if just for a short while, at least then you’ll know exactly how he truly feels. If there’s no change in him after that I would be surprised. I hope it all works out for you two in the end like it did for us.
Still asleep at 4am? The nerve
He’s 25 going on 15. His new toy reminded him he’s not ready to grow up yet. Up to you how long you want to wait around.
i had a boyfriend just like this! i wanted to build a life, and he wanted me to build it for him. you’re only going to resent him more and more. you don’t want the same things and his work ethic is not right for you. leave and find someone who wants to work as hard as you, and he can find someone to be lazy with.
as a side note, when i was with my partner who was just like this, i was constantly worried about whether or not he’d make something of himself. after i ended things, its like 99% of the things i was stressed out about disappeared. partners who are lazy aren’t JUST lazy; they force you to take on the emotional labor, too.
You have one realistic option. Tell him he has X days to get out and end the relationship. Hopefully, it wakes him up, but either way, it is better for you to insist on this.
Do NOT sign a new lease.
He’s a kid who doesn’t want to grow, like me. I’m 44 still addicted to video games and I don’t strive to maintain a career. I’m single as a result, and your boyfriend should be too. Some people just aren’t capable of meaningful longterm relationships.
It sounds like your mind is already made up.
What is his pattern of work? Is this a blip? Is he going through something and needs some support? Or has it always been like this? Does he have a history of full time work/education or is he a layabout?
Money isn’t everything. But work ethic, selflessness and empathy are very important in a relationship.
I suggest you have a talk with him, try to find some common ground. Set some boundaries and try to help him and work together. If things are unequal and he can’t change then I guess you need to move on.
Honestly it sounds like he isn’t the man for you, it seems like you want to be a stay at home mom. So your going to need someone earning no less then 100k. I mean what’s his portion of the bills and money ect… are you paying for his half?
And is the new business door dashing?
He has achieved financial freedom by allowing you to work your ass off while he sleeps and plays! Dump him and find a partner who is on your level and ready to be an adult!
He HAS achieved financial freedom! Keep calling him out. Don’t let him work you to death.
Technically he is doing exactly what he says he wants to achieve, financial freedom by making you a housewife and a slave all in one. He’s doing nothing while you work, clean and provide.
If you had any self respect you’d leave, people like this don’t change unless they are forced to. Which sadly is usually hardship.
Sounds like yall grew apart. Time to look out for yourself and move on.