I 25f have feelings for my best friend and he the has the same feelings toward me.things have been great up until the past couple months. I’ve dabbled the idea of dating him . The only thing stopping me is he feels borderline abusive because he thinks I can take it (for perspective I’m 6,3 and muscular) . We are playfully mean and tease each other and it is genuinely fun sometimes . But then he’ll yell at me or raise his fist because he thinks it’s funny I flinch . He says I need to learn to toughen up and “take the piss” but I just want to be loved back while it’s great to be able to tease each other like that the aggressive actions make me feel unsafe around him. I think he knows I can take a hit but that doesn’t mean I want to all the time . I’ve tried telling him how I feel but he says it’s how he shows affection and I don’t want to snuff out whatever we had previously.
He is genuinely nice to me sometimes …he started sleeping with me and I noticed that just before that is when he’s nicest to me then it slowly goes back to normal.
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sorry girl but run
No. Next question. It’s not that he’s doing it that’s really the problem, it’s how he’s responding when you tell him how you feel about it. That is a problem. It’s not good. He’s not relationship material. It’s immature. Move on.
Don’t think “normal”. Think “healthy”.
Friends don’t threaten violence even in jest. Friends don’t try to make each other flinch. Friends don’t tell others to “toughen up”.
What he’s doing is abusive and will only get worse. Please do not think of dating him, and better still, start to ease away from him.
It doesn’t matter that it’s how he claims he shows affection. It is NOT affection.
Unfortunately it’s kind of normalized, but it’s just abuse. If you feel unsafe, you are unsafe. At best, he clearly thinks you’re “one of the guys.”
You need to raise your bar much higher than “nice to me sometimes.”
Kiddo we do not have intimate relationships with people who treat us badly. You deserve MUCH better.
I clearly remember being a teenage boy, teasing, making fun of your friends…. That was incredibly normal.
Now, I assume he is your age, aka not a teenager anymore. So it’s time for you to tell him to grow the fuck up if he wants to continue being friends.
PS: If he is being nice to sleep with you, he doesn’t respect you.
No not normal, he is intentionally pushing your boundaries and will push them further and further the more you “take it”. He is already showing you that he will provide the bare minimum necessary amount of kindness to have sex with you. Run. He’s not even your friend.
A healthy relationship doesn’t have violence. Loving someone should be easy. You should get along.
That’s before you even get to sexual comparability, being on the same page with regard to children, finances, etc.
It sounds like he thinks the violence is playful when you don’t feel the same – that’s a huge issue. By allowing playful violence, it makes it so much easier for him to cross the line into straight violence, and you can’t come back from that.
Uh-Uh. He’s nice bc he’s getting what he wants. Drop this guy like a shoe. You can do much better. Get those boundaries and self-respect up!
Okay get away from him. If he has no problem raising a fist to you because to him it’s funny when you flinch he wouldn’t have a problem actually punching you. You flinch because you are afraid he is going to hurt you. I think it’s best if you took out yourself and inserted your sibling, your friend, or even a future child of yours. Would you feel it’s okay for them to be in this kind of relationship? If it was me I would say no. I’ve seen domestic violence happen in my own house. I’ve heard of stories and cases of things like this. It doesn’t stop at raising a fist. If he loves you he would never try to lay a hand on you in anger or try to use violence to scare you. Someone you love should not find your fear funny.
This dude is unhinged
Reading the title yes
Reading the post run
No part of that is normal. That’s unhealthy behavior that at some point will likely escalate. Anyone thinks it’s funny to make you flinch by yelling or raising a first is desensitizing you so that when they do it and mean you won’t flinch and you won’t fight back. And no, your boyfriend shouldn’t be testing whether you can “take a hit”. That’s not love.
Nope, nope nope!
Super not normal. It’s likely that he feels emasculated by you. And you know what’s that not your problem. And more importantly someone who would act this way, because of that, would STILL do it to a smaller woman. It would look different, but he would absolutely still do it
Nope- walk away from this. He is nice only so you will sleep with him. His affection is transactional. His normal is normal, his affection is manipulation.
Women shouldn’t need to toughen up, or take the piss. Nope. That what his buddies are for, a partner is not a buddy.
Walk away- find someone who treats you better, all the time, not just when they want something from you. Boys play games, men do not.