me and my bf have been dating for a few months now. We are both in uni rn in the same major and classes. And today he a made a ‘joke’ that changed my view on him drastically.
for context, a week ago my bf invited me to play dnd with his friends weekly. I said sure because it sounded fun. today after our classes were over, my bf and I were sitting at a cafe with our mutual friends, I’ll call A(F) and B(M) they’re also dating. we were looking through Pinterest trying to find what he wanted his dnd character to look like. I jokingly said ‘pick a hot character or my dnd character won’t flirt with yours’. He laughed and said ‘well my character is wary of everyone so like it’ll be hard for you to flirt with him anyways’ and I also laughed saying ‘well then my character will flirt with the NPCs’
And now this is where his ‘joke comes in’ After we fakely argued over our dnd characters not dating and me saying my character will flirt with an NPC, my bf suddenly said ‘Well I’ll rape you. I don’t care how big of a roll I have to get to do that, I’ll rape you.’
My mouth fell in shock. A and B also got extremely shocked. A is my close friend and we immediately locked eyes in shock, laughing in shock. And I mean it when I say we laughed in utter SHOCK because in no way did we find it funny.
My bf knew of my trauma that I have been sexually assaulted for a few years when I was very, very young, and that I have been also assaulted 3 years ago. Sexual assault trauma is still a thing I struggle with. My bf also knows that A got raped a year ago before this by a family member and is extremely touchy on the subject.
While I was laughing in shock, I started crying. I was laughing but tears rolled down really fast one after another. My bf was still on his phone thinking he said something extremely funny. A’s bf B knew that his gf acc did not find it funny and was laughing in shock and hugged him. B said ‘dude she’s crying’ and my bf did not turn to look.
While B was comforting A, my bf realized that she was triggered by his joke. He was surprised and said ‘oh shit I’m sorry I forgot you had the trauma’ never once sparing me a look and that’s where I snapped.
I was between him and the wall on our seats so I got up, pushed him slightly off of my way and he was surpised, going ‘wtf is happening to you?’
I was so, so enraged. Disgusted, appaled by him. I yelled at him ‘Get the fuck away from me, you are fucking disgusting I am nauseous looking at you right now’ and I went to the bathroom of the cafe.
A followed after me and knocked on the door asking me if I’m okay. I said no and she said she’ll wait for me to come out until I’m better. I got out after a few minutes, and she told me we’ll go outside just the two of us, to talk.
I was in disbelief. Who was I dating? How will I able to look at him the same ever again?
She comforted me, asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I was disgusted, so fucking disgusted, that’s the only word that was repeating in my head.
She also told me after I left the table, my bf said ‘I did not expect that overreaction’
She told me she’ll go inside to check in on the table. After she went in, my bf came and I couldn’t even look at him without feeling nauseous.
He sat next to me and apologized. I was so fucking angry, I started yelling at him. I told him he was sick, and that I felt sick looking at him right now and I am disgusted by him. I asked him how the fuck did he find that joke funny and why in the HELL would he say it to his GF? I told him to call his mom right now to ask if they joke he told me was funny, and ask her if she’s proud of what a comedian he is.
He kept trying to defend himself saying he wasn’t thinking, and that he wasn’t gonna rape me it was just in the game kind of joke. I yelled at him saying it was sick in the first place that that’s the kind of joke that appears in his mind.
I repeatedly yelled in his face that I was so disgusted by him right now and how could I ever kiss or hug him again.
I then brought up how he apologized to her before even apologizing to me. He told me ‘you didn’t get raped though’ and I was so in disbelief I just stared.
He then started getting aggressive towards me telling me to lower my voice because we were outside. I got more angry and told him he had no right to get aggressive towards me right now and he yelled at me that he did.
And I just shook my head and told him to fuck off and left.
He got in his car started following me all throughout my walk towards the bus stop (I live 2 hours away) yelling at me to please get in and talk and that he’s sorry. I yelled at him to leave me the fuck alone and kept walking. He kept following me so I changed my direction where he couldn’t to a turn. He yelled my name, begging me to come back and talk and that he at least wanted to drop me off. I didn’t answer and just went home.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so disappointed. I’m so disgusted. I’m so, so helpless. It’s sick so so sick and I am just so lost.
Comments
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He certainly made a choice.
It takes a lot to shock me and that shocked me and I wasn’t even there…
You can do better.
I’m honestly in disbelief at his reaction. 1. He says sorry to your friend first. 2. He says it’s an overreaction. 3. Says you didn’t even get raped as is sexual assault isn’t rape. 4. Even if he wasn’t thinking why was that the first thing that popped in his head???
You deserve way better. I’m proud of you for not getting in the car with him. You’re better off cutting him loose and moving on
There’s no coming back from that. Break up with him. He doesn’t respect you.
The fact he said sorry to your friend and didn’t think to acknowledge you to see if you found it upsetting is crazy! You deserve so much more! 🫶
This is a potential life partner. Keep higher standards and don’t sway from them.
I agree that he’s sick. Even if he told a bad joke and has “dark humour” best case scenario, why didn’t he read the room and notice that the joke wasn’t funny and that no one found it funny. Why didnt he try to comfort you. Why did he apologise to your friend but reluctantly apologise to you. Or maybe the respect he was showing your friend was because her bf was there and maybe he respects the bf and not either of you. I dunno, this is an automatic deserved break up in my eyes. No explanation necessary off him, his reactions & lack of reactions speaks for itself
Im sure he loves you and didn’t mean harm but I will agree he shouldn’t have said that, I have a lot of friends who make jokes like that and a lot of dudes say it but usually only around close friends. Just keep in mind that he didn’t mean it
You are absolutely right this is fucking disgusting. His behavior is abhorrent and not normal or OK in any way. And it’s absolutely valid that you feel disgusted by him. This might show what kind of person he is deep inside and maybe you dodged a bullet there. He jokes about rape, which in itself would be a reason to break up for me. He dismisses you feelings, even when it is pointed out to him that you are crying. And on top of it all he downplays the sexual assault you had endured. To compare this to you friend having been raped is just cruel.
He’s an ass and maybe it’s better to learn it this early rather then learning it 3 years or so in a relationship. Stay strong and keep to your friends, they seem nice. <3
I like shock humour but that’s just objectively not even funny. It’s way worse given the context and “audience” too. His reaction to your feelings just fuels the already horrible fire. Reddits knee jerk reaction is “break up”, but I think it’s justified in this case tbh. Especially given how he reacted.
You’ve been dating a few months.
He got comfy and the mask slipped.
He showed you who he is when he followed you in his car, harassing you to get in and talk, ie: let him tell you why you’re stupid to feel the way you feel and shouldn’t be so sensitive.
And when he got aggressive.
And when he yelled that he had a right to be aggressive.
He showed you who he is. Believe him.
I’m sorry you do not deserve anyone who jokes about something like that. I’m glad you didn’t get in the car with him.
This is just your boyfriend being dumb, I don’t believe he had any mal-intent or sick mind. He probably knew he fucked up right after, and tried to crawl his way out by minimizing your SA, which was an asshole move on his part. Imo he should’ve just admitted he made a bad joke immediately
If he jokes about it, especially given your history, he does not take it seriously. Meaning he might do it, because he does not view it as a big deal. Run and never look back. I’m sorry this happened to you.
TLDR: OPs BF tried to rizz ‘em with the ‘Tism and it backfired.
Ok, so generally I think it’s stupid to take jokes seriously and I don’t think anyone should care about rape jokes. This is a bit different though. The joke itself wouldn’t be a problem if not for the context of him saying it to and about his girlfriend that is a victim of sexual assault, that means he either doesn’t even take into account the factors that make so this is extremely hurtful or he doesn’t care.
I haven’t been assaulted and this would be a relationship ender for me, whether from a friend or partner. There’s nothing funny about being raped. No DM worth having would let someone roll for that. The fact that it even occurred to him as a response is shocking and should make him consider why he even thought anyone would find it funny rather than horrifying.
And on top of that, he basically responded to your (very normal!) trauma response by attempting to force you to be in physical proximity (!) and completely ignored/disregarded your feelings. A good partner would be horrified at what had come out of their mouth, give you space, and work on rebuilding trust. He did none of that and got defensive and dismissive instead, treating this as though you were mad because he said something a little rude, rather than feeling terrified and unsafe around someone who made a serious threat into a “joke” that literally no one there except him thought was funny.
You deserve to feel safe. It sounds like A and B are really good friends who care about you and understand how messed up this is. He doesn’t sound like someone who prioritizes your emotional safety at a minimum, and I’d be worried about physical safety given that he apparently doesn’t think sexual assault is “serious” like PiV rape is.
Some people are simply disgusting and he is one of those people.
Don’t waste your time or desecrate your soul by staying with him.