I just turned 18F. I grew up with alcoholic, neglectful, narcissistic parents who didn’t teach me the most basic of things. They were ok parents, but neglected the things most teach.
I was never taught to simplest things. Braiding my hair, how to swim, how to ride a bike, doing laundry, cleaning, ect.
This post isn’t about that, but about how I can’t take care of my hygiene. I was never taught hygiene. I was never taught how yo brush my teeth, fold laundry, choose bras, change underwear daily. I feel disgusting because everything in everybody’s daily routine, I physically can’t do. I struggle to brush my teeth, change my underwear or bra, do laundry.
I feel gross. I’ve tried to, but I physically can’t keep up, don’t know how, or don’t understand.
I understand any hate I get. It’s deserved. But I really need some advice, guidance, words, anything. I’ve never had a true parental figure I look up to.
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You don’t deserve hate for not being able to do things you were never taught how to do. Your parents failed at their job and you’re the one suffering the consequences for their failure.
Might be worth checking if there’s any posts on /r/hygiene for basic starters. Moving your tooth brush to the shower could also help.
—Edit—
Check the comments here for one from /u/Deep90 also worth reading.
Have you thought about doing a check list to do each day?
teeth brushing:
Go on YouTube and look up “how to brush your teeth”, there are some really helpful videos
If you have the money for it, get an electric toothbrush
Get whatever toothpaste you like BUT if you keep getting itchy gums and/or lips, swap to SLS-free toothpaste – SLS (sodium lauryl sulphate) can be an irritant to some people (like me, holla)
bras:
Go get a proper fitting – underwear stores are the best place, or some big department stores
Go in and ask a member of staff if they do bra fittings and can you have one – you don’t have to get half-naked, they can do measurements over your current bra or shirt (if it’s thin material)
They’ll tell you what size you are afterwards
You can ask about different types as well eg underwired, push-up, sports bra etc
Ask about how to wash them as well, and how often – you typically don’t need to wash bras as often as knickers, and you can wear them several days in a row (unless they obviously smell or feel sweaty)
knickers:
Get a lot of them, like, more than you think you need – cotton is best, and then pick whichever style would feel best eg full brief, high rise etc
Don’t get thongs, they have a higher chance of passing bacteria from one hole to the other
Knickers should be changed every day, twice if you’ve got really sweaty (purely because you’ll feel nicer)
Lay out tomorrow’s outfit the night before and put the knickers on top of the pile – you’re more likely to put new ones on if they are right in front of your face
What works for me is putting The Thing in a really inconvenient place lmao I balance my meds box on the kitchen door handle so I literally cannot start my day without noticing them
You know the problems.
* Wash your hair. Google it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0nvq4LJluY&ab_channel=ColorWowHair is my result
* Brush your teeth. Go to a dentist, the teeth cleaner will HAPPILY teach you.
* You should shower based on your sweat level. When I was young I showered twice a day. After morning workout and after evening workout (I was an athlete). Now that I am old, I shower every other morning.
*Folding landry: Google it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axzBCu0ELp8&ab_channel=MiacademyLearningChannel (yes it is a kid’s show, but you missed it growing up)
* Choosing bras. Google it.
Most people can wash their hair every other day and be fine. African descent people’s hair is different and what I have heard is less often is better.
Get yourself a routine.
Get up at 60 minutes before you need to leave for work
If it is M W F S take a shower.
Put on a robe.
Put on a coffee in the Keurig.
Drink a glass of water. (This will make you feel better in the morning)
Brush your teeth.
Drink your coffee.
Put your dirty clothes into a hamper.
Get your next set of clothes from the clean areas (clothes/dresser)
Grab your breakfast.
It will become a routine. It will take a while. Make it a pattern.
For chores
M W F run the dishwasher (assuming you don’t have a hoard)
T T do a load of laundry. I put underwear, socks and towels in one load. Other cloths in another.
S change the sheets and do that load.
(Note: I have a laundry machine)
T T vacuum/mop the floors
It’s all about patterns. Do things regularly. My partner does a lot of things that aren’t on my list. Trash we do as we walk out the door or in the door. Take the bag out of the can, throw it in the big trash can and leave. When we get home, we put in a new bag. We have a sign on the dishwasher clean/dirty
We have white boards with tasks to do. We check them off. Simple reminders for schedule and the act of checking them off is a confirmation that we are doing them to ourselves.
If you need some more quick-tips, just download chatGPT and ask him this exact same question. He will tell you and help you almost like a therapist would.
Why would you get hate??? That’s awful – stop thinking like that about yourself. You are just as worthy as any of us, you just got shitty parents. No biggie, some of us did too (I bet that’s why several of us are here – to give kids like us what we didn’t get).
I have worked with teens aging out of foster care, and it’s really common to have a lot of gaps in normal day to day life-function knowledge. It’s not their fault, and it isn’t yours either. It can be overwhelming, but you can pull yourself out of this.
To me, it sounds like you may be struggling with some (very understandable!) long-term depression. If you have access to care, see if you can talk to someone. If you can’t, please be very careful about reading about mental illness online – there is so much bad info out there that is really damaging.
Also keep in mind that you don’t *have* to do everything the way other people do. I wash my hair once a week because if I wash it more, it dries out and kills my haircolor. Some people might think that’s gross, but screw ’em! It’s my life and I’m not suffering for not doing it daily. For each item on the list, figure out what works for you (as long as its healthy) and do that.
As far as your hair goes, just make sure that whatever hairstyle you choose is what YOU want, not what you feel obligated to present. It can be hard to detangle what you like from what you are pressured to do, when you have spent your life trying to trial-and-error everything because your parents couldn’t be bothered, but it’s worth it. <3
You don’t deserve hatred and I recommend the Flinch app 🤍
The brain can learn everything you will get there, give yourself time
Hey there friend –
No hate. Your parents were shitty, none of this is your fault.
I can’t help you with the female side of hygiene, since we don’t share the same equipment. I can’t help you with long hair either, since mine is current 1/2” and in need of a cut lol.
But, take a shower once a day. Find a soap or body wash you like. My daughter, who has mid-back length hair, washes her hair every few days. That should be good for you as well.
Find a deodorant you like, apply once daily when you get dressed in the morning.
Brush your teeth once a day. Yes, twice is better, but you need to start somewhere. Find a mouthwash you can tolerate and use it when you brush your teeth.
Buy at least seven complete sets of undergarments you need, so you can change them daily and only need to do laundry once a week.
Most folks begin building these habits, with their parents help and guidance, from the time they are very little. You were, through no fault of your own, not given that opportunity. You should expect that these changes will be hard and take you some time to build into habit. Just start taking small steps.
Some of the ladies here can probably weigh-in on the feminine side of hygiene if you have any particular questions.
You can do this! I know it’s hard now but it will get easier.
It’s understandable, and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. Habits are hard to form and it takes 2-6 weeks to cement them. But honestly a schedule would probably do you wonders. Set aside time to do laundry every week, 2 hours isn’t too hard. Set a schedule time when you shower, Set a scheduled time to wake up and immediately brush your teeth. It’ll be really hard to muster this level of discipline but it’s definitely doable.
It honestly currently sounds like your depressed. And given the situation makes perfect sense. It’s a hard climb out of a pit like that, but the key is to keep climbing and pushing forward. Don’t put yourself down and say “this place is horrible, I’m a slob” you need to reframe it as a positive drive “this place is horrible, and it won’t get worse because I’m going to act right now”
First off, give yourself grace. Therapy if you can access. Learn how to talk nicer to yourself and this will be easier. If you lead into shaming yourself, you won’t grow. It doesn’t matter what you learn. You having abusive parents isn’t your fault, and you’re not deserving of hate because of not knowing anything.
My parents didn’t teach me a lot of things, I just was yelled verbal instructions so now I’m an adult and I struggle a lot, but I’ve gotten better. I’m 28 now, it gets better.
Pick one thing you want to strengthen and focus on that for a week or more, take as much time as you need. I’d focus on your body. Watch YouTube videos that educate you.
Remember to wash your feet (top and bottom, between toes) between skin folds, genital area (if you have a vagina do not use soap anywhere inside the vagina, mild soap in the inner labia is fine, just be gentle.) armpits — we call this an “airplane zone bath”.
It’s hard managing a body at times, I have disabilities that make it harder.
Brush your teeth ideally twice a day, start with one. Two minutes is preferable, floss at least once a day.
Find regimens that work for you. Lmk if you have questions or want suggestions.
If you like reading, I recommend Pete walker’s CPTSD from surviving to thriving.
Just wanted to say that you should try to give yourself grace right now as you’re learning these new skills and habits. My 15 year old is going to an alternative school currently and has a friend who was in a similar situation. They’ve transferred around to different school programs over the years and I often worry that they’re missing out on certain aspects of education that most of us take for granted such as health class, home ec (not sure if schools even do this anymore?) , shop , etc. Places that kids learn about their bodies, how to cook properly without getting food poisoning, how to wash dishes, how to use various common tools to fix things around the house, etc.
I think a lot of us parents right now (I’m a millennial born in 87) sometimes forget that our kids might need to be shown/told/taught things that we just learned in school but aren’t skills being taught anymore. (not trying to give your parents the benefit of the doubt on that though, it sounds like they should have been doing a better job all-around ) Sometimes we just expect them to know things because we somehow “figured it out” (whether that was through peer pressure, something we learned in a health class, found online, or something our parents taught us, but how is someone to know something that they don’t even know they’re -supposed- to know?
Anyway, just remember to be kind to yourself , this isn’t life-or-death so don’t worry too much if you don’t perfect this whole new concept right away. I’m 37 and had been brushing my teeth and showering daily until a couple of years ago when I fell into a pretty deep depression and even -I’ve- had a lot of days where I’ll forget or just not have the mental motivation to do either of those .
You got this! Little changes become big changes. Start with -one- habit , like brushing your teeth. Try to push yourself to do it every day for a couple of weeks until it becomes second nature. then maybe start trying to add on to that 🙂
I’m so sorry about that – you deserve so much better.
Here is the step-by-step:
Embody that. The love you feel for a cat a dog, a birdie, shower it on yourself. It might feel weird at first. Yet it’s true and you deserve it all.
Today: Give yourself some self-care. Light a scented candle, put on some music you enjoy. Get your bras and undies out. Fold them gently. They belong to the person you love. Put them in a drawer that’s just for your underwear.
Monthly, starting this week: Go to the shop. Choose a toothbrush you like. Maybe a small soft one or a medium bristle one. Get a colour you like. Go check out the toothpaste – which one looks interesting? Is there a flavour you prefer? Decide which one you want to try now and which one later. This is important. It’s for the person you love.
Monthly, starting this week: Choose a soap or a body wash you like. Get a facial cleanser. Something in a pretty package that smells good. You’ll be giving that to the person you love too.
Monthly or less / as needed, starting this week: While you are at the shop, get yourself a journal. A book that you like the cover of and the feel of. Get a pen you like. Maybe a fun colour. Something nice. It’s for the person you love.
Daily: Set a morning routine. Set your alarm 20 minutes early. Make yourself a cup of coffee or tea and sit somewhere quiet. Light a candle or start a diffuser, or just look at something pretty. Get that journal out and write about 5-10 minutes. Just train of thought. You can start with “mmmm tired. coffee. coffee. duh.” if you like. Just write. This is your time. It will clear the mind of the person you love.
Daily: Finished with coffee/tea? Go to the bathroom. Take a shower. Wash your stinky parts with soap. Your vagina should only get water. Use your face wash for your face. Wash your hair a couple times a week. Shampoo at the roots, then rinse and the conditioner at the ends and rinse. You can brush your teeth in the shower or once you are wrapped nicely in a towel.
Daily: Grab those clean undies and a fresh bra (you can swap them every other day). And get dressed.
Daily Go to the mirror, look at yourself. Say “I love you.” Bonus points if you give yourself a high five. You are AMAZING.
If you do this several days in a row, when that alarm goes off, you’re going to look forward to this little 20-30 minute routine. It sets you up for success (with hygiene) for the whole day.
That’s the important part.
Now… two more things.
Today and as needed: /r/ABraThatFits is where you want to go for good bra sizing. Most women are in the wrong size and you deserve something fitting and comfortable. That’s the sub for you.
Weekly:Laundry…. Do you have a laundry basket? If not… go to the shop and choose one. Or order it on amazon. Find one you like. you’ll need laundry soap too. Choose a 1/2 day in the week that will be laundry day. Let’s say Saturday morning. Separate your darks and lights. Wash them separately: darks on cold and lights on warm. Dry what can go in the drier, hang the rest. While the first load is going, strip your bed and grab your towels. You should now have about 4 loads in total (depending on your machine): darks, lights in clothes. Sheets and towels.
As each load comes out of the drier, put the next load in and fold your dry laundry. If you need tips, watch a youtube. I use a travel folder like this which makes really light and quick work of it, but it’s totally not needed. Put everything folded into the laundry basket, bring it to your room and put it all away.
Side Note 1: you should hand wash your bras. After you’ve gotten the above down pat, you can put yesterday’s bra in to soak in the sink with some delicates detergent while you shower. Then you can rinse it out and hang it to dry in the bathroom. It will be dry and ready for tomorrow or the day after.
Side Note 2: the perfect is the enemy of the good enough. you are taking care of the person you love, and she will forgive you when you’re a little too tired, or you’re sick or whatever it is that you skipped a bit one day. It doesn’t matter. If you’re doing this most of the time, your hygiene will be great and your self-love will grow and develop too. You’re doing this for you.
Hugs, from an internet mom.
PS: practical mom note: blow out any candles when you’re done, so you don’t burn down the house!! thanks.
I’m 68. I had very good habits as an adult, but now I find it easy to just slack off. My friend suggested the Finch app. I use it to track my basic daily goals. It’s silly, and I think it’s aimed at a younger audience than me, but I stay on track better. Yes, my daily goals include brushing my teeth and showering, and getting out of bed.
Sit down and write out a routine / checklist.
Something like this should cover the basics for daily routine.
Before Bed:
Change out of your clothes
Put underwear and socks in hamper
If Bra, shirt and pants are still clean and smell ok, fold and put aside to use again. Don’t always need to wash these items after every single wearing.
Shower, start at the top. You don’t need to wash your hair every day, depending on how oily your hair is you can do 2-3 times a week. On hair wash days wash twice and then condition putting conditioner on the bottom and working your way up if your hair is long. No need to put conditioner on your scalp. Use a washcloth or an exfoliating cloth to scrub your body from the top down. Don’t forget your ears, between your toes etc… all the cracks and crevices. Rinse off.
Post shower apply some moisturizer / lotion to your skin. A little bit goes a long way.
Put on sleepwear and brush your teeth. Don’t forget to brush your tongue. This should take 2-3 minutes at least.
If you have frizzy or curly hair put on a silk sleep cap / bonnet and go to bed, it’ll make your hair much easier to manage in the morning.
Try to get at least 8h of sleep
Wake up
Brush teeth again
Wash face
Apply Sunscreen to face and arms and any other body part exposed to the sun (you’ll thank me for this when you’re 40 and still look 25 instead of looking 50).
Apply Deodorant
Drink water.
Put on fresh underwear / socks.
get dressed
Then give yourself another weekly checklist that you do on a set day:
Wash Laundry
Change Pillowcase
Change Sheets
etc…
Keeping a checklist handy and following it will help you stay on top of things until those things become part of your normal habit.
Give yourself grace – you are trying to manage lots of new things at once and that’s hard. If you’re wanting something that can ‘break down’ those little jobs and make it fun, there’s a lovely app called Finch where you have a pet bird. You set tasks so you could set ‘fresh underwear in the morning’, ‘brush teeth’ etc as your daily tasks, and once you complete them you earn points to send your bird on tasks, earn coins to buy accessories at the shop etc. It is free. May be a good way to help you get into new routines and habits 🙂
It’s never too late to start a new routine today. You should always feel proud to be who you are, and here is some advice if you want to feel a bit more in control about how to maintain good hygiene.
For your teeth, you’ll need the following things every morning and night:
>10 minutes
>clean toothbrush
>toothpaste
>flossing material
>clean water source, heated if possible
>a drinking cup, if you want
You can find other items like mouthwash, electric water flossers, and other items at the store as well if you find that you can benefit from them. I personally favor a basic handheld water flosser, but I bought it online during a black friday sale for a cheaper price.
Morning/Night Routine (after waking/before sleeping):
Recover your toothbrush from a non-airtight container, preferably in a clean drawer. If you keep it in a ziploc bag or other air-tight containers, the leftover water will cause it to mildew and mold. Don’t leave it hanging around in the open air, as dirty air may store bacteria in your toothbrush bristles. Either way, check that your toothbrush is clean by rinsing it under a bit of warm water. Open your toothpaste and squeeze onto your toothbrush bristles to about the size of a large sweet pea. You dont need as much toothpaste as the box art shows, they say it’s just how it’s advertised so you buy more of the product. There is no harm in adding a bit more if you want to though. This said, it is not meant to swallow so try to avoid that when brushing.
Start on the upper teeth, using your toothbrush to scrub back and forth along your gums and teeth. As you scrub left and right, dont forget to move around the teeth to brush the inside of your teeth as well. This goes especially for your molars, and other teeth that are farther back in your mouth. This action should not be painful, but your gums may be prone to bleeding if they haven’t been tended to recently. I’m not a dentist nor a dental assistant, so you should contact one if you are experiencing copious amounts of pain in this process. Continue brushing your upper and lower teeth, and spit out the toothpaste/saliva into your sink/disposal area. To get all of it out, fill a drinking cup or find a way to get water in your mouth so you can swish it around and again spit it all out. Up to here should take about 2-5 minutes to do.
Then rinse off your toothbrush again, and start the brushing the top of your tongue. A lot of smelly breath issues come from a buildup of saliva and other things left in your mouth after you eat, so try to scrape off any buildup you see. You may have to re-rinse your toothbrush a number of times during this part.
Finally, clean off your brush in warm water before putting it back into a container that is not air tight, and preferably tucked into a clean drawer. Take out your flossing string. I honestly have no clue how much floss is too much or too little, I take like a forearm’s length of it out sometimes lol. This floss will go between your teeth and you will pull it back and forth between the specific tooth and the gum holding it in place. It’s like you’re carving around your tooth but inside your gums. For example: your top front teeth normally have one single space in the very middle, but you need to floss to two directions for that space: one between your front top left tooth and the center gums, then one between your front top right tooth and the center gums. If you do not normally floss, this will probably cause a lot of bleeding. That is okay. Make sure though that you are rinsing out your mouth with clean warm water, and if you have, also a small amount of mouthwash (also not for swallowing). If your floss gets dirty, throw it away and replace with new clean floss string. Once you have cleaned between each gum for each tooth, go ahead and rinse your mouth out for a final time.
Put away your floss, toothbrush, and any other materials in a clean, dry space, but easily accessible as this will be used every morning after waking up and every night before going to bed.
(Sorry if it sounds like I’m overexplaining every little detail, I just wanted to make sure I explained it well. Please reach out to this post again if you get overwhelmed. There is no judging on this playing field. Everyone deserves to be happy, so I hope this helps. First time posting here.)
I commend your determination to better yourself despite all the frustration you’re experiencing. I am truly sorry your parents failed you in this way.
There are three pieces of advice I would give(and bear with me)
We’re figuring it all out too
I was always afraid that I was all alone in having no idea what to do, why to do it, or how to do it as an adult.
What I learned very quickly was that I wasn’t alone. Adulting is just that, trying to figure it out and we’re all doing it together. Even the people who seem like they have it all figured out? Yep, they’re trying to figure it out, too. When you hang out with friends who talk about their day or expressing their frustration about a thing their doing? They’re trying to figure it out.
The cool part is that you’re already doing it. The first step to trying to figure something out is to ask questions and you asked a bunch of great questions! It’s not always easy to ask questions because we’re showing what we don’t know, yet you asked them anyways! I promise I’m being genuine when I say, you’re already doing great by asking and you’re not alone in asking.
Manageable Goals
If you look at something, like brushing your teeth, and you feel overwhelmed; break it down into smaller goals. To be a bit vulnerable, I have a huge fear of failure. When a task or goal feels like it is too much, all I want to do is give up immediately. If I don’t try, I can’t fail, right?
Consider breaking it up into smaller tasks. Instead of doing all of your laundry:
Day 1 Goal: Put the laundry in the washer. Success! All done for today.
Now, that we’ve successfully fulfilled our goal of putting the laundry in the washer, let’s try another goal.
Day 2 Goal: Put in the detergent and start the washer. When the washer is done, move the clothes to the dryer and start the dryer. Success! All done for todayl
Day 3 Goal: I’m going to put away one piece of clean clothing. The jeans go in the drawer. Success!
Every single step you take is a success. I am truly sorry that your parents did not teach you that. But, you can teach yourself, like many of us have.
Gratification and Routine
There are two kinds of gratification, immediate and long-term. Why is this important?
Immediate gratification is simple, for example:
Step 1: I want a cheeseburger because a cheeseburger will make me feel good.
Step 2: Go buy or make a cheeseburger and eat it.
There is nothing wrong with immediate gratification, in moderation. But a life of nothing but immediate gratification could lead to problems if all you strive for is cheeseburgers and what you want right now.
Long-term gratification is delaying that good feeling for a one down the road. For example:
Step 1: I don’t want to feel gross about my hygiene. I want to be better. I don’t know how, but I want to be better for myself.
Step 2: I have clothes that need to be washed. Even if I don’t feel like it or absolutely hate it. I will do my laundry because I want to be better for myself and I want to have clean clothes to wear to the restaurant tomorrow.
Step 3: When I get dressed for the restaurant the next day, I put on my clean clothes. In that moment, I’m glad I did my laundry even though I hated doing it at the time.
There is also nothing wrong with long-term gratification, in moderation. But a life of nothing but long-term gratification can feel endless and dull.
There is a balance to both. That is called a routine.
One of the constant things about adulting is the routine. I really don’t like doing dishes. But, I like having clean dishes to use for my food. So, I wash the dishes. But, I give myself a reward as motivation. “If I go wash the dishes I used for dinner, I will let myself watch an episode of that show I really enjoy.” Plus, tomorrow, there will be clean dishes for me to use for breakfast. And now, I just do the dishes because it’s routine and I’ve seen the results.
It takes 30 days to build a habit. What got me going was getting to cross off a day on the calendar every time I brushed my teeth.
Here’s where’d I’d start:
-Brushing your teeth is important. Even getting into the habit of doing it once a day would be great, and in the future, you can build on this and do it twice a day. I’d suggest watching a how-to video on Youtube. For me personally, sometimes I don’t want to brush my teeth at night (or wash my face) so I’ll take a short shower with my toothbrush because I find showering relaxing. I keep floss next to my bed, this was the only way I was able to get into flossing almost daily.
The second thing I’d try to get a hang of is laundry. It’s so easy for laundry to get out of hand (I have 6 loads sitting right now lol)- just shoot for one load a week if you can with socks, underwear, a few shirts, and a couple pairs of pants. I also hate folding clothes. I switched to army rolling everything, and this makes it easier for me to put it away for some reason.
Another thing I like to do is set my clothes out for the next day. This might make it easier for you to change your underwear daily if it is set out and ready to go.
Give yourself reasonable goals and don’t be too hard on yourself. You don’t deserve any hate. If right now you’re only changing your underwear twice a week, shoot for 4 times next week. It might feel easier if you slowly ramp up the activities that you need to do.
There’s already a lot of good advice here. But, I want to applaud you, and you should give yourself a high five too, for realizing that this is a problem that you should do something about. It’s a really important first step to making all kinds of things better, not just this one particular problem.
First, you don’t deserve hate, from others or from yourself.
Second, when you say you physically can’t do these things, do you mean due to physical impairment, or just you don’t know how?
If you’ve got issues with physical activity, there are a lot of content creators that make videos about ways that physically dependent people can assist themselves, or smaller caregivers can assist them, with these kinds of basic tasks.
Heyo same. It’s easy to get caught in shame and feeling out of place. You probably won’t like this advice but take your time. Try to be compassionate with yourself, do one thing at a time. Starting with something like brushing your teeth everyday. You didn’t chose parents who didn’t take care of you. Other people get educated by their parents and it feels natural for them to take care of themselves. That’s not our case and you are on a long journey. I am ten years older than you. I still struggle a bit but I was feeling completely lost regarding hygiene too at 17/18 and it got better. Everybody has their own definition of hygiene so don’t hyperfocus on it by wanting it to be perfect. Take your time, go slowly, don’t be hard on yourself for making mistake or not understanding some things sooner.
Also therapy if you can afford it.
I would try to do only one thing in your day like brushing your teeth. If it works great, you can add things after a few weeks. If it doesn’t, reach for help. It’s not your fault and it can absolutely get better. Take care ❤️
If you struggle with the routine, ive actually been using this app recently called “finch”, its free to use and in the app you get this little bird you take care of, it will say encouraging things to you and go explore its world if you do tasks that you can put in yourself, such as brushing your teeth, changing clothes, showering etc. It helps to have a visible list every day of things to do, and getting rewarded when you complete them
Don’t be too hard on yourself! There are lots of ways to learn of you want to. Maybe start with achievable goals (SMART goals – specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time bound https://www.forbes.com/advisor/business/smart-goals/). No need to achieve perfection, just start somewhere!
We all struggle to do all the hygiene things all the time. Some of us are better than others. I shower daily, but have struggled in the past with brushing my teeth (an example I saw in the chat here). You can definitely find YouTube videos for how to, and if you have people that you trust and do not judge you, then ask them how they do the things. I use a battery operated toothbrush, and the cool thing about that is that it has a timer built into it. It vibrates every 30 seconds to tell me to pick a different quarter of my mouth to brush, and vibrates twice to tell me the two minutes is up! So, I just make sure that I keep going until I get to the 2 minutes. I use my imagination to think about how the toothbrush might be cleaning my teeth, which keeps me paying attention. I leave my toothbrush and my dental floss pics in the shower so that I don’t forget. I only shower once a day, and I’ve never been a person who brush his teeth twice a day, and I just had a dental cleaning today and I got all kinds of positive feedback – so even if the ideal is to floss and brush twice a day, I guarantee you that the percentage of people who actually do that might be surprising!
For a smart goal you could start with:
Specific: I am going to brush my teeth two times this week for 2 minutes each time
Measurable: twice, for two minutes, in a week.
Achievable: not looking for perfection here – does 2x a week sound realistic? If not, go for 1x. Feeling energized? Go for 3x! Avoid asking for “every day” in the beginning – you want to succeed to keep yourself motivated so let the bar start low.
Relevant: this just relates to picking a goal that actually points you in the direction of where you want to find yourself. You mentioned hygiene, so if toothbrushing is important to you, then it would be relevant.
Time bound: this goal would be for one week. Do you want to create a timeframe for how long you want to give yourself to achieve the goal, and then once you’re done, you can look back and assess if you met it.
I can’t help with braids since I’m pretty awful at those and haven’t spent time learning. But here’s one of the tutorials I used for learning to put my hair in a bun with a stick.
Some pens, pencils, paintbrushes, and makeup brushes work as hair sticks, others are too slick. Also you might need different tutorials if your hair is curly– r/CurlyHair can help.
I send second the suggestion to listen to music, podcasts, video essays, or something while doing laundry.
In the comments you’ve mentioned that you have chronic illness and that you live with parents who oppose devices that might make things more doable for you.
I also have chronic illnesses, use a mobility aid full-time, and here’s what I used to do (and for some of it I still do):
Sit on the floor to shower if the shower goes floor is clean enough.
If your shower doesn’t have a detachable shower head you can make do, but they’re fairly cheap and less associated with disability so your parents might allow it.
Sit on the floor to pre-treat and sort laundry.
When your laundry is done, pile it all into your basket, dump it on your bed, and put hangers on your bed. Now sit in bed to sort, fold, and put laundry on hangers.
Lingerie bags or spare pillowcases. Laundry that says to hand wash it can often go in a lingerie bag or tied pillowcase to go in the washer, but make sure you run it on cool or cold, and make sure to run it on delicate.
I’m 21F and struggle too.
Sleep with your hair in a bun! It makes having longer hair so much simpler! I never knew how to braid until I just did it everyday to myself and wore it no matter how shit it looked, you get better as you practice. For bad days, a French braid will contain your hair so that you may only need to brush the roots, the ends will still be untangled.
Underwear does need to be changed daily, as otherwise bacteria may grow and you could get an infection. Also, the vagina is slightly acidic, so it’s possible your underwear may become bleached. This is fine, the bleached area will remain discoloured but after they have been washed they’re 100% clean. There’s no need to throw them out.
I like bad soap the best for a squeaky clean feeling in the shower but I also have oily-ish skin, and others prefer liquid soap. Get a face towel or wash cloth and use the soap, you don’t need lots of fancy smelling shit tbh.
The internet is your parent!
You can sign up for adult swimming lessons. Maybe a friend or partner can teach you to bike. I had to learn as an adult too
You absolutely do NOT deserve any hate. Absolutely not! What you need is a routine. That’s all. I’ll share that I wasn’t really “taught” basics either. It has taken me half my life to get into a decent routine.
I’m actually a behavior analyst now. I could help create a schedule for you, or even make you a PDF for the more complicated tasks broken down for you, if you’d like/think that’d be helpful. It’d be up to you to follow through with it, though!
I habit stack for myself and my kids. When you brush your teeth, put on deodorant. Find something you do every day and add a habit to it. Just keep stacking.
For me, it’s extra important to get up and dressed every day. If you do that, when you get up, change your underwear. After every shower, change your underwear.
Taking care of your body is a gift you give yourself because you deserve it. Add fun scents (shampoo, body wash, lotion) or music to your shower to make it enjoyable. Check in with yourself when you do and see if you feel better. Sometimes, remembering that feeling is enough motivation to do it the next time.
You can do this!
It’s not your fault; you don’t deserve any hate. As a foster sister, my parents (and I) have had many kids who don’t understand hygiene. First and foremost, if y are in college (or even high school, maybe) try checking to see if the school has any free resources. Some may give away (or point you to a resource that does) hygiene products. Some even provide good services for cheap or free if yr lucky.
-First of all, for teeth, you’d be surprised how many struggle with brushing their teeth. If you’re insecure, might be best try a dentist if you are able to. If not, whoever suggested brushing your teeth in the shower if right, it helps. Try finding a toothpaste that tastes okay. To motivate yourself, try to enjoy the feeling post-brushing of the temp plague off of it. If y forget or can’t that day, try using mints or breath strips (suggest these. Ain’t fun but they work okay)
Main things to keep in mind or prioritize: try to brush teeth at least in the morning, wear deodorant every day, shower at least every other day (and try using a loofah), and change underwear after showering or at night if you don’t shower. (I’m ngl, I don’t even change my bra daily, I wouldn’t sweat that). If you’re unsure abt things, I guarantee there’s plenty of YouTube videos or physical resources. I’m sorry you had awful parents, it rly isn’t your fault. Try to find a way to turn over a new leaf; you’ve got it!
this is literally my life i relate so so much your not alone. You dont deserve any hate for this its not your fault. you are not disgusting. Its not going to be a built in habit if thats not what you were raised with. Other people have the advantage of being taught those things, and we didnt. You cant control that, so dont blame yourself. that was your parents responsibility to teach you when your brain was still developing, but now that your older it will be harder to build these habits. Please dont be hard on yourself! its not impossible either, it just takes consistently trying! if your trying even a little bit, thats better than not trying at all!
YouTube is your friend here. But some of this stuff isn’t nearly as hard as it seems. Fold laundry? Ha. What’s that? All my laundry is just in a pile. Changing your underwear is as simple as putting new ones on. Buy like 10 pairs and wash 7 of them a week. If you’ve got new clothes make sure to wash them by themselves, especially if they’re bright colors. But otherwise just throw everything in the same load. You can separate them, but I’ve never done that in my life. Maybe I’m an idiot. Go down to Victoria’s Secret and ask them to fit you for a bra. You don’t even have to buy from them if you don’t want to. 90 percent of this stuff you can pretty easily figure out. At least the stuff you need to get by on a daily basis.
just wash your clothes in the laundry machine with detergent , and take a shower and put on clean clothes every morning , it’s easy. same with cleaning , just move stuff off your shelves & desk or whatever and wipe everything down with a cloth with cleaning spray on it every couple weeks , vacuuming is easy too – it’s plug & play , and there are youtube vids on how to braid hair etc. if you want to learn any techniques. don’t overthink it , just start moving and you’ll be surprised by the progress
Not your fault you weren’t taught and didn’t have it when you were younger, but if you’re still not practicing good hygiene 100% on you. You’re an adult. Figure out how to brush your teeth. Watch a video. Change your clothes every day. It’s not some secret mystery and none of it is hard to do. All you can do to improve and fix this problem is practicing good hygiene every day, so start doing it every day. Every day you don’t brush or change clothes that is your choice. Listen to yourself. You’re an adult sitting on Reddit blaming your parents for you not changing underwear or brushing teeth today or yesterday or last week. Let’s say it was all their fault. Every problem you have can be blamed on them. You can keep blaming them and smelling bad and feeling bad about yourself, or grow up and realise it’s time for you to fix your own problems yourself. It’s harsh but this phase of your life is going to be. I didn’t get dealt very good cards, but if I didn’t move on from my past and trauma, I wouldn’t be who I am today. Become the person you want to be instead of hoping complaining about the past will somehow make things better
As the parent of a special needs kid, we created a visual board for him.
It helps him to visualize his routine.
You can do it with a piece of paper and a pen.
Morning:
Night:
You can also create a weekly schedule.
Monday: Clean bedroom
Tuesday: Do laundry
Wednesday: Fold clothes
Thursday: Change bed sheets
This are just some ideas. Hope it helps.
Feel free to send a video of your shower routine and I’d be happy to analyze and provide feedback. Assuming you are in fact 18.
Hi!!
I F26 , still struggle with some of the things you mentioned. My ADHD makes me forget a lot. I find a routine (doing the same every morning helps) , get out of bed, go to the bathroom brush teeth, deodorant, change ALL clothing. Etc etc.
Hey kid, there is a very good chance you and your parents are neurodivergent and we all struggle with the things you listed. I don’t know how to help you but you aren’t alone. My dad is definitely autistic and so am I. That or severe adhd