So I’m a 22F and feel like I’m so behind everyone else because I’ve never dated/had sex. I’ve always wanted it to be with someone who cares about me, because I’m a sensitive person who loves deeply and gets attached to people easily. So knowing myself, I don’t think I’d fare well with casual. Not like I ever got any offers anyway, I’m not conventionally attractive and I’m a bit awkward.
8 months ago I had coffee with someone I met through online school. I had to go to a city to sit for exams. It was a nice chat, nothing weird. I was under the impression that he had a girlfriend so I kept things friendly. But then days later he wrote me a message saying things he wanted to do to me. I said ‘didn’t you have a girlfriend?’ And he said they’d broken up recently. I don’t know why, but it gave me the feeling that he was lying. I can’t explain why. I have no reason to believe he wasn’t telling the truth.
He kept messaging me after that. We talked on the phone once. Had a heated conversation. He came, and I didn’t. I don’t think I felt very comfortable with it happening at all, looking back. He tried to keep things very casual and kept saying he may get together with his ex, or not, who knows. It gave me the impression that he was trying to make me his backup plan, if that makes sense. A couple days later I messaged him saying I didn’t want to continue talking, that I was too sensitive to do casual things, and just wasn’t comfortable. He said okay.
Like a month later I had to go back to that city to sit for more exams, and he messaged me. Asked if we could meet to fuck. I told him no, that I wasn’t comfortable with that. He tried to negotiate it, saying maybe we didn’t need to fuck, just do foreplay. Or just kiss. Told him no again, and basically repeated the things I’d told him in my messages. He said he understood.
Like three months later he sent me a message out of the blue saying he was touching himself thinking about me and asking if we could talk on the phone. I said no.
Then around a month ago he messaged me again, this time saying he needed help with something from our studies. So I said sure, I always try to help when I can. Turns out he didn’t need help with anything. When I got on the call he just asked me why I didn’t want to meet him (though I had explained in messages earlier) and trying to negotiate things again. He wanted to propose an idea. Said we should go to a town where nobody knows him or me, and act like we’re a couple for a weekend just to try. I told him that would make me feel used. He didn’t understand why. I just told him I didn’t want to talk anymore, said bye and hung up. Gave me the impression that he didn’t end up getting back together with his ex so he was going for the second option, me.
Now it’s been a little while and I’ve had time to process it a bit. I think I did the right thing by not agreeing to meet him/go on that weekend trip, but I still get this voice in my head saying that I’m a coward. That people do things like these all the time and I’ll just be alone forever if I keep my standards the way they are. By that I mean wanting someone who’ll be in a serious relationship with me, respect me, and not push me. I’m getting this feeling that I turned down my one chance to put this whole thing about being sexually inexperienced behind me, and be more normal.
I just need a hug and someone to tell me this wasn’t my only chance to experience intimacy. That I will get a chance to experience it with someone who doesn’t want to keep it casual and actually cares about me. I don’t know why I’m tearing up writing this. I guess I just feel I’m so behind. Sorry for the long post. Just wanted to feel less alone.
Comments
Not only did you not miss out on your only chance, but you dodged a landmine with that guy!
Respecting you and your boundaries is about the bare minimum any potential romantic partner should give you. Not pushing you falls under the respect umbrella. I am confident that you would’ve been left disappointed in the experience, disappointed in yourself, and regretful if you had accepted his proposal to be his toy.
Everyone goes at their own pace. You are not “behind” and should not try to compare yourself to others. I know that’s hard, trust me! I still struggle with it myself.
My oldest is your age and has only had 1 short relationship back in high school. They would rather focus on their education and career than on relationships. That is their choice. I support them in that choice as much as I support you in yours.
I’m so proud of you for knowing yourself, what you want, and for not settling for less!
Respect your instincts. I’m sorry sweetheart but the big giveaway that he is already in a relationship is that nonsense about going somewhere for a weekend “where nobody knows you”.
I’m reading that he only wants to have sex with you. That’s it. Has he ever admired anything about you except possibly breasts and butt? Has he ever phoned just to talk with you, because something made him think of you? I’m guessing not.
He lied about wanting help with study to try to trick you into sex. A lot of young guys, or even just any age guys, see sexual interest as a pursuit or a competition. Whilst they’re trying to coerce you into having sex they’ll be around, but they see it as if you do, they’ve “won”; you’ve “given in”. In a perfect romantic world this sort of crap should lead to him falling madly in love with you because of your high standards (as in, you don’t screw around, you waited). It doesn’t happen like that. No matter how long there’s a scenario of him “trying” and you saying “I want respect so the answers no” they will see it as a victory if/when you eventually surrender to their charms (/s). They will then ghost you. Best case scenario is you’ll be seen as suitable for FWB.
Is there anything about him that you like? Even if it’s just his body or looks? From how you describe yourself I’m guessing you’d prefer a better connection or basis than just looks, but at least it would be a start.
Stop telling him you’re not ready, or that you want a relationship first. Just tell him you aren’t interested in him sexually then block him because he will more than likely call you names whilst trying to intimidate you into sex. Tell him he’s not your type.
You haven’t missed out on anything worthwhile. Excuse my humour here, but you’re only 22. If you get to 42 and have still not had an intimate relationship that might be the time to settle for a sex only adventure. You are still very young even though you won’t like me saying that!.
There’s also nothing wrong with FWB or a hookup. But you both have to be very clear that that’s all it is. You don’t want that, and that’s your boundary, it’s your body n your decision. You’ll have plenty of chances to be intimate with a caring partner.
You deserve much better than a man who*re who has an obsession with hard to get sex. Don’t be one another notch on his bedhead. Make better plans for your memories.
HUGS
Avoid this boy like the plague. You will be glad you did.
Whether or not he has a GF, he was looking for sex toy, not a relationship.
Why aren’t you blocking him so he can’t contact you?
And no, you’re only 22 and you’re a woman. You absolutely did not miss your one chance, you’ll pretty much be able to pick who you have sex with.
Dude. This guy sounds creepy AF. I advise blocking his number. You will have so many more chances, I promise!
Please, please NEVER have sex with that scumbag. As a mom, I’d be so upset if I found out my daughter was even thinking about dating a guy like this!
You didn’t miss out on anything – this guy would have hurt you so much!!
Not only are you not behind I’d say your instincts are spot on. That guy wasn’t looking for anything other than a hookup. I’m proud of you for saying no and meaning it. He may or may not have actually broken up with his girlfriend. It doesn’t matter though. He isn’t boyfriend material.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting for something meaningful. I’m sure you’re aware that you’ll get even more attached once you’re intimate with someone. Make sure it’s with someone that’s worth getting attached to.
You’ll have plenty of time for dating and relationships. You sound like a smart woman. Focus on your education and career path. Everything else will fall into place along the way.
Big hugs from your internet mom!
Good news, you can have casual sex with someone who doesn’t particularly respect your boundaries or listen to your needs within the next 12 hours if you try even the slightest amount.
Men are common as daises. Men of poor character who will lie or be pushy are common as weeds. It is NOT hard to get laid by a random dude with no interest in a relationship. Sometimes they’ll even do a pretty good job at it. One good rule of thumb is that the ones who are good at casual sex/one night stands are NOT the ones who are pushy or liars. They’re honest about what they want and respect boundaries even within the context of casual sex. They care enough about you to be respectful, even while they also know what they want and are looking for someone who wants the same thing. Those guys will get the job done. The liars and manipualtors are just out for themselves and thus poor quality lovers.
Rest assured that if at any time you change your mind, that dude or an interchangeable one will be there to get that particular job done.
That frees you up to be as picky as you like. Take your time. Decide it’s right. It’s fine. The nice thing about men being so common is that there are plenty of wonderful ones too. Keep open to that possibility and keep making connections in your community so that the right man crosses your path and when he does you’re receptive and notice him. But don’t panic. It’s not urgent or worth discarding your standards.
He is using you. At 22, your life is just beginning. You will have better chances with better people.
You deserve to have your first experience with someone who loves you.
Darling, this part of your life is just beginning. Everyone has their own timeline. Nobody is “behind.”
If you just wanted to check sex off the list, you could do that today. But it wouldn’t be the kind of intimacy you want. For that, you’ll need some patience.
You have to understand that you’re dealing with a little cognitive distortion. It’s very common for your stage of life. Everything feels so urgent, you want to get everything figured out and locked down, and you compare yourself to people who seem to have what you want. The distortion is that you only notice the people who have what you want, and on top of that you only see a small slice of their actual experience. So your brain is drawing conclusions from a very incomplete and flawed data set.
Take your time, don’t let desperation settle in and start directing your decisions. Be choosy about who you sleep with because the kind of person they are really matters a lot.