Long story short, I’m on a fellowship program for a PhD from a foreign country (I’m a US citizen). I never signed the contract for it as my father did on my behalf. They want me to finish by June but thats impossible. I also want to drop out or at least take a leave of absence because my mental health is quite literally down the drain right now and continuing might make me escalate to a point that scares me. I have an appointment with the counseling services on campus in a couple of hours but it feels like its in forever.
I guess I just want reassurance that everything will be ok. I’ve been crying non stop for days, having constant panic attacks, and feeling like my life is ending. I can barely eat from all the anxiety. I’ve tried talking to my parents but they tell me to suck it up. It feels like its the end of the world right now.
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Try to breathe. Share all of this in your upcoming session. There are many routes to a good outcome here, but you’re overwhelmed and need some time to think them through without being terrified the whole time. You can’t figure out your entire future today but you can figure out the next eight step for you to take. A LOA is a great idea if mental health issues are impacting you to this extent. Your parents’ wishes can’t matter more to you than your own health and dignity. I hope the counselor is able to support you to hear your own voice and take steps that are in your own best interest.
I understand how rigorous these programs can be. Exhausting, stressful, life sucking.
What are your plans post PhD? Stay in the States? What do you have in your life not related to “work”?
It sounds like this has been pushed on you by your parents. Not ideal considering the amount of effort and life it takes to get to the point you’re at. The fact that you’ve gotten this far proves you’re a hard worker and capable. I also get that it’s just hard. Really hard.
But your life isn’t falling apart. Maybe talk to someone in your program about a LOA. Find out what options you have. It’s a good place to start. Seeing a therapist is good too – sounds like you’ve already gotten that ball rolling.
Curious – if you don’t finish the PhD, what would your plan be? Parents wishes aside – what direction would you go?
Even if you don’t finish, life is still there and it’s still worth living. ❤️
It’s relatable – nobody finishes a PhD without just about losing their crap at least once. Which is not to say it’s fine, just that you’re in really excellent company and you’re going to be okay and all of the things that seem really huge and awful and panic inducing now will resolve and this will be in your past and you’ll heal. What is a /reasonable/ time frame to finish? If not June, then when? Who is the “they” who want you to finish in June?
Your feelings are valid. Even if this doesn’t work out, everything will work out okay in the end, regardless of what age you figure out and start doing what you need to do.