I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we have a 4 month old baby. When our baby was 7 weeks old, someone sent me my boyfriend’s Tinder profile. He told me that he only made it to see if I was on there and the pictures and bio were his old profile from before we dated. They were definitely old pictures.
I don’t see why I should believe that. Even if it is true, the fact that he would be suspicious of me and didn’t trust me when I was 7 weeks postpartum, healing and caring for our child, really hurts. I don’t have any proof that he cheated. There were no messages on Tinder. I checked his phone and found nothing, but I still think his story is bullshit. Even if he didn’t cheat, he was probably trying to.
Anyway, the old me would have been gone the same night. I would have just packed my shit and stayed with family until I figured it out, but I have a baby now. I got laid off last year and then found out I was pregnant, and I haven’t managed to get a job yet. I can’t support us on my own. The thought of leaving my baby to go back to work is terrifying, I don’t even want to imagine having split custody and not being able to see my son for days on end.
My boyfriend really is a good dad. Anyone can see how much he loves our son. He’s even really good to me, at least I thought so. Before this, this was the best relationship I’d ever had and I thought I had found a good man to start a family with. I thought our baby would grow up in a loving home, not a broken one.
He apologized, but it’s not the same anymore. The past couple months since it happened, everything is normal on the surface. We go about our days like it never happened. We are loving and don’t argue. When I’m not thinking about it, I’m actually quite happy. I love our life, our family, our home, I love his family and I love him, but it still hurts sometimes.
It’s not even the supposed cheating, just the fact that he went behind my back like that. I brought up an open relationship in the beginning, but he wanted to be exclusive. I accepted that and was content with being in a monogamous relationship. I stayed loyal, I never gave him a reason to doubt me. I can be pretty hard on myself and I’m far from perfect, but honestly, I know I didn’t deserve that.
Even so, I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be a single mom, to leave my home for some shitty cheap apartment, to be away from my baby. I could never give my son the life he deserves on my own. I want to stay. I want to swallow my pain and pretend it never happened. I know that I can heal and forget, so is it really worth blowing up our lives and living in literal poverty just for the principle? Is there anyone who stayed through something like this and it worked out?
Obviously there is a level as to what I will tolerate. I can’t take this if it’s going to happen over and over, but it was only the once so far. If me or my son were in danger, I’d leave, even stay in a shelter if I had to, but we are safe. I just want what’s best for my son, and I feel like that’s two parents in a loving home.
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Yes, you would be crazy.
You already do not have a loving home for your child and it will only get worse.
As for everything else, child support and alimony is a thing.
I know someone that was able to forgive his wife and brother. The wife couldn’t forgive herself and insisted on the divorce. Forgiveness is a powerful thing, but he has to earn your trust back.
What can he do to prove he wasn’t cheating? Regular phone and browser checks? Let you install tracker apps? Or it just won’t come back?
Maybe he was telling the truth about only looking to see if you were on tinder. It still feels like a betrayal because he didn’t trust you. You’re both young and he may be insecure. It may explain even if it doesn’t excuse the behavior.
Either way, if you believe the relationship can be improved and returned to a healthy state it may be worth the work. It will take time and conversation and perhaps couples counseling.
It’s not crazy, but you need to discuss things with him and see how he responds. If he is willing to put in the work and accepts his fault, you could both come out better and a stronger couple from this. The conversations should be when both of you are calm, and if the calm leaves be willing to shelve it till calm returns. Emotions will get tense but it’s how you both handle and deal with those emotions that will show if you can work it out.
Stay away from accusing. Try to talk in I feel statements. I feel there is a gap between us. I want us to both be able to trust each other. I feel hurt that you had to check on me.
If at any time you feel unsafe or that the baby is unsafe take appropriate measures.
Hey, I dont usually comment here but I dont think the internet is the best place to discuss this isolated incident. On Social Media this is a clear cut case but it might not be in real life. Talk to him and your friends & family. He might´ve just freaked because its all so serious now. He might be truthful and just wanted to see if youre on there. People here dont know is the point. People make mistakes. If he´s a loving men he deserves your honest intention to figure this out. Not influenced by stranger who know nothing of your life.
I’m sorry you’re in this really tough situation. You just had a baby and your life has changed permanently. It’s a lot to handle at once. He made a very stupid decision to make a profile on a dating site. If he was doing it to supposedly check if you were on there, he could have used a fake name and fake pictures and accomplished the same thing, so I think that’s a completely BS excuse. Things probably felt too real to him and it had probably been a while since you were intimate (bc you JUST birthed his child), and his dumb ass wanted some attention at the very least, maybe an ego boost. Luckily he got caught quickly before anything happened. Be aware tho he could have deleted messages before you looked at his phone or his tinder profile if he got wind you might have found out.
I can completely understand the need to want to forgive and forget for the sake of giving your new baby a stable and safe home. Especially while you are taking maternity leave. But either way it couldn’t hurt to try to find some employment, even part time, so that you have some income and stability on your own if you need to leave in the future. Being completely dependent on your BF puts you in a tough position and he could abuse that situation, especially if he knows he “got away with it” this time.
I think you both need to sit down and have a serious discussion about how he broke your trust and you’re going to have to decide if you are willing to live with someone who will disrespect you and your family and your relationship. The chances of him doing it again, especially if you forgive this episode, are high unfortunately.
However it is possible this was a one-off mistake and maybe if he understands that he can and WILL lose you and your little family if it happens again, it could be the wake up call he needs.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this, please do not just ignore it and sweep it under the rug or he WILL do it again and it will be worse the next time. You absolutely must confront this behavior and spell out exactly why it can never happen again.
Sending you hugs mama! You got this!
If my other half had a secret Tinder account and I found out, he would come home with his stuff burning on the front lawn.
It’s adios time for him. It’s even worse you both have children together. He is not interested in changing.
Equally, he’s projecting his infidelities onto you. That scream narcissistic behavior.
I get how you feel, but consider that there may be an issue of mutual distrust here. You mention he went on Tinder to see if you were there, and that upsets you, which is totally valid. However, you also mentioned that you checked his phone to see if there were any signs of him cheating. That’s a violation of boundaries as much as his being on Tinder (I would even say more so, since the phone is a private device while Tinder profiles are public, or at least, what I gather, as I’ve never been on Tinder). The fact that you did it after you found out about the Tinder profile doesn’t make it any less boundary-crossing. So maybe going to couples therapy and working on trust issues is the way to go.
It just sounds like this might be a rough patch, since there is no abuse here (which would be a deal-breaker for me), no evidence of cheating, and you mention he’s a good dad and is kind to you. So it would be a shame to throw away what might be a good relationship without trying first to work on it.
What if he is telling the truth? That seems to be the one thing you haven’t allowed for. Is there a reason why you don’t believe him? You checked his phone and his profile and found nothing.
You need to talk about this. You need to ask him when he put the profile up. Do you know it was when you were 7 wks pp or was it earlier and it wasn’t found till then?
Do you think that asking for an open relationship at the beginning made him insecure or suspicious about you? Did you guys talk about that?
You don’t mention any red flags about his behaviour or how he treats you, so why are you so ready to believe the worst of him?
You need to communicate with him. And give yourself some grace because you are a new mother with hormones still in flux and you may be feeling things a lot more deeply than usual.
Talk to your man!
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So what do you want now? Was the last thing he heard from you that you wanted an open relationship?
My suggestion is to take some time when you and the baby are home alone, when he’s asleep and you have some rare, precious quiet time to yourself, to think about and write down exactly what you want your (yours and your partner’s) life and relationship to look like. Are you married? Are you 100% faithful to one another and each other only, forever? What does that mean? What is in bounds and put of bounds, to you? Is that the same for both of you? Really think it through. Think about different stages of life. Think about when there are more kids, or when they are older, like teens. Think about when the kids are grown and gone. Think about when it’s just you two again, empty nesters.think about being old together. Do you want this? What does it look like to you?
Partly I’m asking, do you want it, all of it? And then I’m asking, if the answer is yes, then how. And the how goes both ways. Because in English “you” is both singular and plural: this is not a selfish plan. This is what you, yourself, want, and it’s also what both of you want.
And once all this is figured out, you get a babysitter lined up for a breakfast date for a Saturday morning and you invite your boyfriend out for a talk. Ask him to come do some planning with you. Tell Jim it’s a serious conversation, but not one he has to worry about, you just really need him to be present for it, so his mom is going to be coming to look after the baby for the morning, and she will stay as long as is needed, and you can go have breakfast, and you want to have his complete attention because you have some important thinks you want to discuss.
And then you show up and the phones are away and you tell him what you see for the future.
So let’s say you think deeply and you decide you do want this man as your partner for the rest of your life. He isn’t a boyfriend to you anymore, in your heart you now understand he has become a real partner to you, and you want to be beside him for all the things, and you are certain the two of you are more valuable to the planet together as a team than either of you are on your own.
What does that look like to you?
I’m making stuff up, understand.
So maybe you tell him this. You tell him things have changed for you. Back when, you wanted an “open relationship ” that was before. You cannot even imagine that anymore. You don’t want anyone else. You want to be his and only his. Likewise, you want him to be yours and only yours. How does he feel? Does he feel the same? Where is he at this point? Let him talk.
Suppose he’s not there. Okay. So given the mismatch, what do we do now? It’s not safe for one person to be all in if the other is not. So you need to pull back and think about maybe separating your lives as partners while working our coparenting. In that case, he is still a father, he still gets to love his son and help with his support.
On the other hand, maybe he greets this with joy and relief. He has kind of given up hope, but now you feel like he does, this is what he hoped for! Great! Conversation over, let’s go home! Nope.
Now for the what-does-this-look-like part. That’s harder. Start with asking.
“Remember when my friend showed me your Tinder account? And you told me you had it because you were worried I was cheating on you? What do we need to do between us, what do we build so that we have safety and confidence in each other being faithful?” “Oh, is that what this is about? I told you I got rid of that thing.” “I know, and I believe you. But how do we set things up so you don’t feel like you need to do that, and so my friends don’t feel like they need to spy for me on you, so we can just ask each other things? How do we make this thing last long term?”
I stopped reading at “I asked for an open relationship in the beginning”. Sorry, but right there you gave him reason to doubt. And I do think it is possible his story is accurate. Maybe he doubted you but aren’t you doubting him right now?
You’re also a new mom, hormones out of wack maybe try and get more information before you do anything rash.
If he’s cheating, there will be signs. If he’s committed to you there will also be signs.
Why don’t you start by admitting to you his tinder profile still has you shaken and see where the conversation goes
Locking comments as OP is getting snarky.