My boyfriend recently mentioned that he had sex with his female best friend shortly before we met. Normally, I wouldn’t be bothered by a partner’s past, but this is different because of our history.
We originally started dating a year and a half ago, and things were going well until he suddenly ended things to pursue a romantic connection with another friend. That experience hurt me deeply, and it’s hard not to feel a bit uneasy now knowing he has a history of exploring feelings with close friends.
I don’t want to be controlling or tell him who he can be friends with, but because this has happened before, I feel a bit insecure. I’d like to talk about healthy boundaries with his friends and hear some reassurance that I won’t lose him to a friend again.
How do I tell him in a a non confrontational manner that this leaves me feeling a bit uneasy because of the previous pattern and that maybe we should discuss proper boundaries with his friends? Honestly, I might even just want some reassurance and for him to say “I’m not leaving you again for a friend again.”
Am I being unreasonable in feeling this way?
Comments
Healthy relationships are built on trust. Ask yourself, do you trust him?
That is something which should definitely concern you. If a guy doesn’t have the ability to have 100% platonic female friends (whether or not they are conventionally attractive) even when they are single and always ended up pursuing his female friends romantically, that’s a huge red flag. That indicates a lot about his character. I don’t think setting “boundaries” or you having conversations about it will change anything and it will only cause you agony as the time passes by. Just leave him as fast as you can, you deserve better.
And bruh he already left you once, how can you even think about giving him another chance just pack your things and run atp
I dont think it was a very healthy choice for you to get back in a relationship with someone who left you for sex with a friend. Since we are talking about your life, this is more about you. You have time and opportunity to get to know other people. There is not much of a reason for you to be returning and making an unhealthy decision. You knew he left you, and you made a choice to stay. Every second you are prolonging a bad decision you made instead of correcting yourself into a healthier lifestyle.
I think you are overcomplicating a relatively simple issue: a relationship is built on trust. If there is no trust, the relationship won’t work. So if he breaks that trust, it’s over. It really doesn’t matter with whom. Similarly, if your insecurity prevents you from trusting him, you got a problem too.
It seems to me that the simple fact that he once had sex with a friend is no reason to believe he would do that again while he is with you. You need to understand that you’ll both have many opportunities to have sex with others while you are together. Being in a relationship means you don’t act on those opportunities. This is a very basic fact. Maybe it helps you to talk about this, establish a boundary. My wife was pretty clear about it: I trust you completely, but you need to know that, if you are ever in doubt, it’s one strike you’re out – I don’t do second chances. You can tell him that, and then stick to it. Then let it go. No need to obsess about it.
How long were y’all not together while he went to have sex with a “friend”.
It definitely sounds more like he either wants an open relationship or polyamourous life where he can go sleep with his “friends” and then come back to you once he is bored with them.
Of course, I could be wrong. This is solely based on the very little information provided.
There are no reassurances. Either you trust him or you don’t. His history would indicate he likes to date or sleep with his friends. Just because you restrict his interaction with his friends doesn’t mean he won’t break up with you pursue one again.
Probably shouldn’t have gotten back together with a guy who dumped you to try other people. Personally wouldn’t trust that and would rather be single than trusting someone like that a second time