I (21F) have been best friends with “Britney” (20F) for 11+ years. Over the past year or so, our friendship has been really strained because of her relationship with her fiancé (22M). They’ve been together for 5 years now, and things got complicated when he was visiting his family in our hometown without her (right before Christmas 2024). Britney invited me to stay with her for 2-3 days while he was gone so we could discuss the issues in their relationship, including some troubling behavior from him (slamming his fists on his desk while gaming, yelling until 3-4am when she has to be at work, he is unemployed, he doesn’t clean up after himself, won’t pay for most things, doesn’t take her on dates, ignores her needs, and makes her pay almost 3/4 of the rent by herself). Britney admitted there were problems, and we talked about the possibility of her ending the relationship. Since he wasn’t in the apartment, I offered to help tidy and gather a plan together. I tried to remain neutral, but secretly I was so relieved she finally brought this up to me. I have been having these feelings about their relationship for almost 2 years, but I didn’t want to upset either of them by sharing my worries. I knew it was bad because she asked me to come stay with her for the first time in their relationship while he was gone. It felt like that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Ruth sends the letter to her old best friend to come get her from her abusive husband.
This was the first time we had a ‘sleepover’ on our own in almost 3 years. We reconnected like we were kids again, watched movies and did face masks. Then, we went to the grocery store and I bought her favourite chocolate, snacks, and a bouquet of her favourite flowers while she waited outside. She cried the whole walk home and said she had never gotten flowers from her partner, and this overwhelmed her. She spilled so many details to me about how lonely, unappreciated, stuck and lost she felt. Some of the things she said shocked me, some of them confirmed things I already worried of. I encouraged her to consider ending the relationship if she’d been feeling this way in silence for so long. I could see how much this scared her, and I know from my own past experiences how hard it is to leave a relationship even if it’s abusive.
As soon as he came back, Britney claimed everything was fine and that she was just being “dramatic.” It was clear to me that she was downplaying the situation, possibly to please him. She chose him over me and told me that we couldn’t be friends anymore because I still think he’s being abusive (though she doesn’t acknowledge it). Less than two weeks after I left, they got engaged, which felt like a reaction to the fact that she was pulling away from him. She has a tendency to downplay things, people please, and put other peoples needs before her own. I myself am in a healthy relationship, and since I’ve dated this person she’s completely pulled away from me. My partner agrees that she’s holding animosity towards me because of her current situation, but I still feel a smidge of guilt. After I posted about my flight going well, (my partner and I are in a LDR) she blocked me on Instagram. This was my first time flying alone, and to another country so it hurt that she didn’t even ask if I was okay or how it went. That hurt my feelings a lot but I didn’t voice it (because she blocked me).
After that, she stopped talking to me, stonewalled me, blocked me on Instagram last month, and deleted all her social media accounts after changing the usernames and nicknames. We haven’t been in contact for the past 2-3 months until last week when she messaged me out of the blue to say I can no longer “be in her circle” because she wants to “protect” her fiancé and can’t have someone in her life who doesn’t support their relationship.
Her exact message: “I love you, thank you for everything, no one did anything wrong. Wishing you the absolute best, and do reach out if ever you need anything.. I can’t have you in my circle. I’m sorry. I need to protect “fiancé”, and I can’t have someone who wants us separated. No one did anything wrong, it’s just an incompatibility.”
I was gutted but replied with “okay” and “goodbye Britney” because I couldn’t bring myself say nothing. She kept unsending messages and deleting her responses to previous conversations. Originally, her message said she was in our hometown and asked if we could meet up to talk. Then, she deleted that message and sent the other one instead.
While the past year has been difficult between us (we’ve fought, and she’s blocked me twice on Instagram), I’m struggling with guilt. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend of 11 years, and I can’t help but wonder if I should fight for her back, even though she’s clearly made her decision. She hasn’t unfriended me on Discord, but she’s blocked me on Instagram, and I’m unsure of what to do. I also keep gaslighting myself into believing that I’m the problem, or that I did the wrong thing by agreeing he was abusive.
My partner has been excellent with giving advice about this situation, but ultimately I decided to post here because I need unbiased opinions to tell me if I made a wrong turn or missed something.
Am I wrong for not supporting her relationship and letting our friendship end? Should I have fought for her more?
Comments
Not wrong, but it does sound like she was the one to end your friendship.
You did nothing wrong and there is nothing you can do right now. Respect her wishes and leave her alone. Do not attempt to contact her.
Please keep your heart open to her and be there to help pick up the pieces when her relationship and life implodes. 🤗
Leave her alone. You didn’t end the friendship, she did. If you press her, she will further retreat. Hopefully she will open her eyes but for now, accept that she’s blocked you but if she does want to meet (if she does decide to leave NOT for any BS closure discussions), do consider agreeing.
You’ve been a great friend trying to give her space to be honest and supporting her when she expressed how unhappy she is.
The fact that she kept typing, sending and I sending messages when you didn’t beg her shows she knows you’re not in the wrong but she’s not ready to see the light.
This isn’t your business. Keep your mouth shut and let your friend work through problems at her own pace. This isn’t about you.
Let her be. It’s hard. I know it hurts. You didn’t do anything wrong but this is what she is choosing. I’ve dealt with a similar situation. Difference wise they’d always say after the fact that they need support for their relationship & couldn’t have anybody against it, yet when they crashed you couldn’t tell them anything besides they’re no good for you and that’s the support they needed in the moment. Luckily that relationship was repaired with time. The issue is they won’t open their eyes unless they’re ready to & you’ve done all you can do. She ended the friendship and pressing right now could lead to more disrepair. Again you’ve done what you can do with your responsibility in being her friend. You just can’t force her to want that right now.
It’s not really as black and white as "she chose fiance over me" when it comes to abuse, unfortunately. What likely happened here is that she was caught in her plans by fiance, he abused her, and then love bombed the hell out of her. He is likely quite in her head, manipulating her and hurting her quite a bit. I don’t say this to make you feel bad or guilt, but for two very different reasons.
1) don’t be mad at her. It’s so complicated and insidious, the hold abusers can have over their victims. There are statistics around people escaping abuse, that most people don’t usually get away/stay away until after their 7th attempt. Hell, I know its parental vs romantic, but I didn’t get away from my mother until I was 34. I can promise you that it absolutely fucks with your brain, and perception, and reality. She didn’t ‘choose him over you’, she chose what she feels is self preservation.
2) Correct me if I’m wrong about that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes….but hasn’t Ruth been separated from her best friend for some time in that scene? They haven’t been able to be close, because (was it Frank?) her husband moved them away, or something like that? Anyway, he isolated her, so he could get away with the abuse. And Ruth reached out to her best friend, because even though they hadn’t been in contact, she knew her best friend would be there for her. That’s gotta be you. You can’t do anything right now, against her will, so you have to just let her make this choice….just don’t let him drive you away forever. Be there if and when she needs you, and that’s truly all you can do for her right now.
That, and you can tell her parents. Ask for them to not mention you, as you need to remain an option of someone she can contact in the future, but her parents need to know that he is isolating her, because if anyone can get through to her, it might be them (if she’s got a good relationship with them).
Im so sorry you’re going through this. I went through it with my little sister, and she eventually did reach out 4 years later and ask me to drive 16 hrs to come get her, and I was luckily able to. She did come back around before it got too bad, and that man really really did a number on her.
You didn’t end the friendship, she did. So no, not wrong.
It’s unfortunate, but there really isn’t anything you can do,the friendship is gone. Focus on your relationship and make new friends. Maybe one day she will see that he is abusive. Maybe she won’t and will be miserable.
You have to accept the choices that others make. Even though it can hurt a lot.
You haven’t done anything wrong. She has made a choice and all you can do is keep your heart and door open in case she needs it in the future. But it has to be her choice to return the friendship. You can’t do anything right except respect her decision. Which sucks.
You’ve done all you can. The hardest part about loving someone can be watching them choose the hard paths in life. This sucks too.
Honestly, I lost a friend in a similar situation. I won’t overtake your post with the trauma dump, but it sucked.
At the end of the day, I know I didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did you. She made a choice. She knows the decision is the wrong one, but it’s hers to make.
Abusive relationships are so complicated. And it’s so difficult to support the people we love who wind up in them because their abusers WANT them to be isolated.
At the end of the day, all you can do is tell her that her choice is her choice, and then you have to move on. Maybe someday she’ll reach out again. Maybe she won’t. But you can’t live out your own life carrying the weight of a terrible relationship by proxy.
Back off and wait for her to reach out ,toxic relationships are hard …she will eventually.
It sounds like your friend is in an abusive relationship. Due to the emotional stranglehold these types of partners have, they isolate their victim and it’s difficult to escape/leave. She may leave many times only to return again to her abuser. You can’t live her life for her. All you can do is let her know that you’re there if she needs you. Acknowledge to her that you understand her and that you will indeed be there if she needs you. Then leave her alone. The ball is in her court and there is no point in banging your head against a brick wall. I will say that she is a fool, however, I was once that fool and know her struggle
You feel like you’ve lost your best friend because you have. It sucks, but it’s best to accept it, grieve the friendship, and move on. Sorry, it’s a shitty situation, you’ve done nothing wrong.
You’re not wrong for not supporting her relationship, especially if you believe it’s harmful. You tried to help, but ultimately, she’s made her choice. It’s normal to feel guilty after such a long friendship, but you can’t control her decisions. Prioritize your own well-being, and let go of the guilt. Sometimes, friendships end when paths diverge, and it’s okay to move on.
I faced a situation where a good friend was getting into a relationship I saw a lot of red flags in. They had a period of “breaking up”, where I told her my feelings about the situation. Then she decided to take him back. Has pretty much gone ghost with me. I’ll send messages occasionally just saying hi and I’m thinking of her, but not getting into anything overtly personal. She knows I’m there if in the end he’s the person I think he is, but I’ve had to give her the space, because she doesn’t trust talking to me about him anymore. It’s hard when we see the flags that they don’t, because love can be blind. We don’t have the emotions invested like they do, so we have the ability to look at things differently. So many people criticize abused people for not leaving, but it’s a much more complex dynamic than that.
You’re not wrong. Kind of seems she’s trying to justify ditching you; while also dropping bread crumbs asking for help.
Your friend: I can’t have you in my circle.
You: ok, that’s hurtful, but I get it.
Your friend: I’m gonna keep you in the loop (IT’S NOT A CIRCLE) because, ha, ha! I’ve made zero bad choices in my relationship and I’m NOT fishing for future support.
Respect her wishes, leave her be. She’s being unfair to you by stringing you along, blocked here but leaving herself the ability to message you there. She wants to drop the friendship but keep the door cracked in case she wants to use you for a bit more pity. Have the self respect to say no, you are either all in our friendship or all out.
NW
Op you did the right thing, you were there for her and helped her plan an exit that she wanted , the issue is , that when push can to shove , she couldn’t or didn’t execute it and you were the collateral damage.
You did not thing wrong, her fiancé knows you were ‘helping’ her leave and so you had to be removed.
And for her , you and your healthy relationship is just a constant reminder of what she doesn’t have.
Don’t message contact her just be there, she knows your number, if she’s needs you she’ll call.
You are not wrong but ultimately this is her decision.
I felt there were a lot of things in between that you did not share. Because it’s so weird that one minute you two were so close, and then the moment her bf comes back, she just blocked you. I mean like what happened in between, did you and her fought when he came back? She just don’t go blocking you everywhere all of a sudden.
The only thing I would add to the above (and I haven’t read anything) is that she might, at some point, need resources for people who are in abusive relationships. I think if I knew her parents quite well, I’d gather together info (eg about Women’s Aid, or about helplines that can advise people in abusive relationships) and give it to her parents, just in case she ever needs it. This might also increase their motivation to discuss the situation with her. I would personally be quite worried about her, but unfortunately there’s not much else you can do.
You didn’t encourage her to leave her fiancé. She invited you over and opened up somewhat, (I don’t believe she told you everything) about the reality of her relationship.
Then when he sensed her pulling away and gave affection, the engagement, she decided to stay. And she felt embarrassed about what she’d shared with you. And because deep down she knows her relationship is toxic, everything you share about her life triggers her. Until now she’s unfriended you for "wanting them separated". People in abusive relationships always make the narrative, "everyone is campaigning for us to break up, it’s me and my abuser against the world". They always forget family and friends get concerned because of things they share or see.
And to be honest, I think you should protect your piece of mind. I wouldn’t reach out again. I’m sure she’ll reach out the next time she tries to leave. You have done nothing wrong.
You’re always going to be second best after the spouse. They will become one. Lost my bestie after he got engaged. She didn’t like us hanging out drinking and watching TV, I guess. Haven’t spoken in over 10 years. If they are worth it, work it out, but if you feel like they will break from you, get out first! Good luck
As others have said, she ended the relationship. If a romantic relationship is going to work, a person has to choose the partner over all. Both do. However, it doesn’t mean that their choice is a wise one.
My friends thought I picked unwisely in some of my relationships. But they waited until my judgment caught up to theirs to get into it. The romantic partner asking me to cut ties with a friend was often a clue to me that something wasn’t right.
Don’t press her on this. Just be there if she figures it out.
I had a similar situation. My friend complained about her abusive husband to me, but told him I was the one that said those things about him. He insisted she cut me off after that and she did. A few years later she contacted me as she was preparing to leave him. She apologized and wanted to restart our friendship. I was thrilled and helped her find a place and move.
Two days after she moved out, she met a new man who was exponentially worse than the first. I was really conflicted over how to handle it, but decided to just be supportive in the hopes she’d eventually come to her senses and I could be there to help again. Instead the new guy told her I’m an extremely rude and negative person after a really uncomfortable meal we all had together. There was a huge amount of rudeness and negativity, but it was all from him. Regardless, she took his side. I was so shocked it was happening again I couldn’t do anything but sob.
We didn’t talk for a week and during that time I came to understand her need to placate and please whatever man she’s with will always outweigh our friendship. There’s nothing I can do help or support her because she’s not ready or able to recognize how terrible and dangerous her choices are. So, I ended the friendship. For a few months she’d occasionally text and say things like, why couldn’t you just apologize to him? I eventually blocked her. I also still mourn the friendship o thought we had.
I know how painful this situation is for you and I’m so sorry. Maybe your friend will have an enlightenment and come around. I hope so for both your sakes. Regardless, you have no blame in this situation. As others have pointed out, people in abusive situations do not see things clearly and you are not at fault in any way.
She seems pretty intent on making this mistake. If you care about her, be ready when it inevitably blows up in a few years.
You didn’t end the friendship, she did
Leave her alone. She made the decision to stay with the unemployed loser. Don’t get mixed up in her drama anymore.
Not wrong at all. She made her choice. Be there if she eventually leaves him, but until then, move on with your life. Be happy in your relationship.
She won’t see him clearly until it hits her full force. You showed her you cared. Let go.
People need to find their own way.
It’s obvious that is true with her.
Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.
Not wrong! Block her! Not all friendships last
She may come crawling back and looking for your open arms and support someday once her life becomes so unbearably miserable with an abusive partner who doesn’t contribute anything. If that happens, you can decide at that time what you will do. Until then, you should respect the boundaries she established. Which is to stay away and don’t communicate. She chose her fake reality instead of facing the hard truth and you can’t fight that.
You can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want to fight for herself. It’s her life and her choice. Even if you can see her choices will hurt her terribly, it’s still her right to make that choice. You did what you could to try and help her. Let the guilt go. If she ever tries to communicate with you again, just let her know you’ll be there for her if she ever decides to leave him. Until then, just move on and live your life. There’s nothing you can do.
I’ve been in a similar situation sadly and I dearly miss her but oh well. Some people just don’t want to be alone and I get it .but still…
Just drop the friendship
Well all I have to say is when things don’t work out, who is she honing to run back to? You.
Just make sure you think things through before moving forward.
Her choice is common in that age group. So is the regret later.
Am I the only one who thinks OP is a bit of bad friend? Self absorbed even?