AITA?
A few months ago, I lost my mom, and it’s been really hard. I’ve been grieving while also dealing with my stepdad, who was married to her for many years. Recently, things between my stepdad and me have gotten really strained.
One day, I was talking to him, and in an emotional moment, I called my mom by her name instead of “mom” (which was an accident—sometimes I just slip up). He immediately took offense and got really upset. After that, he said I was being disrespectful and didn’t understand how to show respect for my mom. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean anything disrespectful by it, and I also pointed out that my grandma and I have always referred to her as her name when talking about her, and it wasn’t meant to be disrespectful either.
That’s when my stepdad snapped and told me, “In my house, you do.” He kicked me out of the house immediately, saying I wasn’t welcome anymore. He didn’t even try to listen to me after that, and he still hasn’t given me a clear reason as to why things turned out this way.
At first, I thought maybe he just needed space to grieve, but the more time passes, the more I feel like he blames me for her death. He hasn’t explicitly said it, but his behavior toward me has completely shifted. He avoids conversations, keeps me at a distance, and refuses to discuss why I’m no longer welcome in what was once our shared home. I’ve asked my grandma if she could find out why, but she hasn’t been able to get a clear answer from him either.
I don’t know what I could have done to warrant this. I loved my mom deeply, and losing her has already been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Now, I feel like I’ve also lost my stepdad—not by death, but by choice. I don’t know if he truly blames me or if his grief is just manifesting in anger, but being shut out completely is painful.
So, AITA for thinking he blames me? Or am I reading too much into his actions?
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AITA?
A few months ago, I lost my mom, and it’s been really hard. I’ve been grieving while also dealing with my stepdad, who was married to her for many years. Recently, things between my stepdad and me have gotten really strained.
One day, I was talking to him, and in an emotional moment, I called my mom by her name instead of “mom” (which was an accident—sometimes I just slip up). He immediately took offense and got really upset. After that, he said I was being disrespectful and didn’t understand how to show respect for my mom. I tried to explain that I didn’t mean anything disrespectful by it, and I also pointed out that my grandma and I have always referred to her as her name when talking about her, and it wasn’t meant to be disrespectful either.
That’s when my stepdad snapped and told me, “In my house, you do.” He kicked me out of the house immediately, saying I wasn’t welcome anymore. He didn’t even try to listen to me after that, and he still hasn’t given me a clear reason as to why things turned out this way.
At first, I thought maybe he just needed space to grieve, but the more time passes, the more I feel like he blames me for her death. He hasn’t explicitly said it, but his behavior toward me has completely shifted. He avoids conversations, keeps me at a distance, and refuses to discuss why I’m no longer welcome in what was once our shared home. I’ve asked my grandma if she could find out why, but she hasn’t been able to get a clear answer from him either.
I don’t know what I could have done to warrant this. I loved my mom deeply, and losing her has already been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Now, I feel like I’ve also lost my stepdad—not by death, but by choice. I don’t know if he truly blames me or if his grief is just manifesting in anger, but being shut out completely is painful.
So, AITA for thinking he blames me? Or am I reading too much into his actions?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I called my mom by her name and my step dad has banned me from the house
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Everyone grieves in different ways. In the end, he sounds pretty toxic if you calling your own mother by her name instead of just "mom" is enough to set him off like this. I’d take this at face value and just cut ties, personally. Unless you need something from him, he sounds like a major AH.
Grief does strange things to people. Your stepdad is lashing out at you because he can’t yell at god. But you are grieving, too, and don’t need to take his abuse. I suggest going Low Contact for a while until he’s got a better handle on his emotions.
It sounds like he is using his get out of jail free card. Sorry, I don’t know if you’re an adult or not, but he absolutely blew things out of proportion because you are no longer his responsibility and he is not just kicking you out of his home, but his entire life. I’m glad you have your grandmother, lean on her for support. NTA
If I had to guess, perhaps you are also named as part of her estate, or she let half the house to you, or something that has made him become wary and quick to kick you out over the slightest provocation. Or maybe he’s just grieving weird.
As Seinfeld says: "That kid is her flesh and blood! You’re some guy she met in a bar!" (And that referred to husbands, not second husbands.)
The point is: If anyone is the arbiter of your Mom’s memory, it’s you, not him. You’re her flesh and blood.
NTA. To be honest, it can sound awkward to refer to your mother as “mom” when you are talking to someone who (a) is not mom or (b) is not also mom’s child (for example, a sibling). I have kids and when they are talking amongst themselves, they refer to me as “mom” but if they were talking to a neighbor or something, they might refer to me as “my mother.” In your situation ( talking to your stepdad), possibly both of those options (“mom” or “my mother”) felt awkward, so you went with her first name, which presumably was what your stepdad called her, given that it was her name! I don’t see how that was disrespectful!
NTA He had no right to kick you out over something so small. You lost your mom too and you don’t owe him a specific way of grieving. Whether he blames you or not he’s projecting his pain onto you and that’s not fair. Grief makes people act out but that doesn’t excuse his behavior
NAH
It’s grief. He’s angry. He’s taking it out on you which is wrong and unfair. But I doubt it’s personal.
He might be pushing you away and this could change your whole relationship which totally sucks, due to the grief and her being gone.
Maybe just give him some more space and let him know you are there and want to me there.
Loss of someone ripples the whole world around.
*sending love*
NTA. I’m southern and we are big on elder respect, but I refer to my mom as Ms Jane (substitute name) frequently. It gets her attention, gives others a name they can call her, and marks her out as a person, not just a mom. She laughs about it and thinks it’s lovely. Sometimes I use the name we were planning to use as her grandmother name if I had kids, which is bittersweet to both of us. Mourning sucks. And you are all grieving. Give some space and hopefully in a couple of months you can hang out to share memories again
I honestly don’t know how you can deal with your stepdad. All I can say is I’m sorry about your mum. It’s really hard time you’re going through. I’d like to say going to get easier. It’s only been six months since I lost my mum But it hasn’t gotten easier yet. just keep close with your Grandma. hopefully that will help.
NTA. I would try to give him space and not take it personally because he’s grieving and grieving people do ridiculous stuff. Let your grandmother talk to him and give him time.
>maybe he just needed space to grieve
Grief is a terrible thing.
Everyone processes it differently. To her, she was your mom. But to him, she was his loving wife.
Also consider that he is living in the house they shared for years. Every inch of that house reminds him of her, every day. That’s going to make his day to day very difficult, and will slow his grieving recovery.
But this will also make him very protective of that space. For him, with all her things and all those years of memories, there is a tangibility to her presence that remains in the house. And that’s all he has right now.
So while you certainly didn’t mean to be offensive, in that moment you were. That doesn’t mean you’re TAH. It just means that your stepdad is very fragile in his grief and needs time. So give him time. His anger will fade eventually, and he may even apologize for snapping at you.
NTA
NTA, however you need to find out if you own the house and what else is now in your name. Was the house in your mom’s name before her and your step dad got married. You need to check on the financials.
NTA. People are irrational and do crazy things when they’re grieving, I would chalk up his behavior to that. You never know what another person is thinking anyway, but even if he did blame you it’s because of irrational grief.
ETA my condolences for your loss! I know that has to be hard. obviously, your stepfather isn’t the only one grieving.
NTA. I don’t think he blames you necessarily, but maybe you remind him a bit too much of your mother, and he’s used that moment as an excuse. He’s still grieving. There’s no time limit on grief, and people act in weird and unusual ways. I’m sorry for your loss, and sincerely hope.your step father comes around soon x
my whole family called our beloved grandma "grandma" but everyone (kids and all) called her Looch when talking to each other about her ( her name was Lucy). seems normal to me
Why would your stepdad blame you for her death?
Our son called us by our first names since he was about 3. He was a good kid and always respectful. But some people took it wrong. Sometimes it’s better undersrmtood using their QST names when talking about them.
What reason would he have for blaming you?