I (22F) told my mom (42F) that I don’t want to meet a new guy she’s been talking to until they’ve been together for 5 months, and she blew up at me. For context, my mom lives with me and my husband (and our 2y old daughter) in our house that we just bought, she moved in to help me with my daughter while I was taking college classes. She was planning on moving states anyway because she missed being around family so me and my husband offered her our extra room for 600$ a month. She’s been here since September 2024 and since she’s been here she was talking to a guy who lived about 2hrs away. She would drive there every other weekend to see him and when she started talking to him I told her I want to wait 5months to meet him, she protested a little but didn’t mention it again.
Fast forward to maybe a few weeks ago and now she’s done with this guy and has met a new guy who lives in our city. From what heard from her he sounds like a much better guy than the first, however while talking about him I told her I wanna wait 5 months to meet him. She said “5 months?, then I’ll be moving out” and started laughing. This kinda threw me because.. like okay? But so I said “well then u won’t be able to come back if something happens” laughing as well. ( I’m 5 months pregnant and if she actually decided to leave then we would just turn that room into a new nursery) then she said started to get an attitude and said that if she’s in love with a person then she’s gonna want to be with them, and she’s not a little kid. She said she just stays in her room all the time and does nothing. That she pays us $600 a month to live here and she’s not a kid she’s my mother. I told her I said the same thing about the first guy and look that there not still together, she said “I never wanted you guys to meet him”…..she did. I said “well we could have had a conversation later on if you thought that was to long” she said “I said it was to long” she started crying and I just told her goodnight.
I have a lot of trauma with my mom and with family in general, so maybe I’m being sensitive to the situation idk. So AITA for saying I want to wait 5 months, I think that’s a reasonable time to introduce your adult children to the person your dating, I would rather not meet someone if it’s not serious and it’s not gonna last. I may be the asshole for saying she couldn’t come back if she did leave, but her saying that really hit me because my mom has left me multiple times in my life and I think I was just sensitive to her willingness to leave for a guy she just met.
Edit: I wanted to add a little more context after seeing some comments. A few comments have been saying I seem controlling of my mom, and honestly I am but not intentionally. My mom was an addict until I was 19 years old, my whole life I was constantly worrying about her, if she was alive, where she was, who she was with so I think I’ve just held on to those habits. I don’t want to control her life but I get anxious when she’s telling me she’s head over heels with these guys she’s just met. The guy she met when she first moved in she told me he was the one 2 weeks into meeting him. I’m afraid of these men negatively influencing my mom, she falls in love so fast and prioritizes her relationship above all, without even meaning too. Also when she said “well then I’ll move out” she didn’t mean her own place, she can’t afford her own place in the city we live in, most rooms rent out here for over a 1,000$, she meant that she’d move in with this guy she just met, which scares me. I think looking at these comments I should have worded things better, but even if I said “I would love to meet him but I don’t really want him around my daughter till your a few months into it” she would have still took offense to that.
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I (22F) told my mom (42F) that I don’t want to meet a new guy she’s been talking to until they’ve been together for 5 months, and she blew up at me. For context, my mom lives with me and my husband (and our 2y old daughter) in our house that we just bought, she moved in to help me with my daughter while I was taking college classes. She was planning on moving states anyway because she missed being around family so me and my husband offered her our extra room for 600$ a month. She’s been here since September 2024 and since she’s been here she was talking to a guy who lived about 2hrs away. She would drive there every other weekend to see him and when she started talking to him I told her I want to wait 5months to meet him, she protested a little but didn’t mention it again.
Fast forward to maybe a few weeks ago and now she’s done with this guy and has met a new guy who lives in our city. From what heard from her he sounds like a much better guy than the first, however while talking about him I told her I wanna wait 5 months to meet him. She said “5 months?, then I’ll be moving out” and started laughing. This kinda threw me because.. like okay? But so I said “well then u won’t be able to come back if something happens” laughing as well. ( I’m 5 months pregnant and if she actually decided to leave then we would just turn that room into a new nursery) then she said started to get an attitude and said that if she’s in love with a person then she’s gonna want to be with them, and she’s not a little kid. She said she just stays in her room all the time and does nothing. That she pays us $600 a month to live here and she’s not a kid she’s my mother. I told her I said the same thing about the first guy and look that there not still together, she said “I never wanted you guys to meet him”…..she did. I said “well we could have had a conversation later on if you thought that was to long” she said “I said it was to long” she started crying and I just told her goodnight.
I have a lot of trauma with my mom and with family in general, so maybe I’m being sensitive to the situation idk. So AITA for saying I want to wait 5 months, I think that’s a reasonable time to introduce your adult children to the person your dating, I would rather not meet someone if it’s not serious and it’s not gonna last. I may be the asshole for saying she couldn’t come back if she did leave, but her saying that really hit me because my mom has left me multiple times in my life and I think I was just sensitive to her willingness to leave for a guy she just met.
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You set a healthy boundary
If this was a normal roommate situation, it would be really unreasonable to bar their SO from your house and life for that long. 8 weeks or so might have been reasonable since you have children living in the home. But I don’t blame her for wanting to move out if you’re going to dictate her timeline to that degree when she’s an adult woman paying rent to you. You were sort of the asshole and I think taking out things from the past on her now.
I mean, you do you. You not wanting to meet them u til whenever you’re comfortable doesn’t make you an AH. But I’d want to meet my mom’s potential partners sooner so I could help identify any glaring red flags she might be missing if there are any. Ya know, before she’s already deep into the relationship and things are more complex with feelings.
NTA. It’s your home, just because she’s renting a room from you doesn’t mean she gets to make her own decisions. Even renting an apartment or house, they have rules in place you have to follow.
You also have a young daughter, who knows what these random men’s intentions are. If she can’t understand that and wants to be upset, let her leave. Not only are you protecting yourself, you’re protecting her.
I’d even say 5 months is still pretty gracious of you.
So while I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to wait till its more serious for the ‘meet the family’ bit, your situation and the fact you live with each other massively changes things.
What you’re effectively telling your mother is that she is banned from having her partner visit her at her own home for the first 5 months of a relationship. A home which she pays to live at.
And while I think it’s normal to expect there to be compromise and ground rules involved when you’ve agreed to live together, this doesn’t feel very fair for your mother. It sounds like you get to make the ground rules because it’s your house, even though she pays you rent to live there, so I’m not entirely surprised her reaction is to consider moving out. As an adult would you accept such a strict rule on who you could have in your own home?
I think this is a case of something where you should both be having a discussion, as adults, and reaching an agreement that you can both be happy with. But if 5 months is absolutely it for you, then you have to accept that your mother may want to move out and that is not unreasonable either.
It seems that you are controlling your mother.
She pays you rent and has a right to bring over her friends to the place where she lives.
I suspect that she will probably move out soon. I would.
Imagine being 42 years and being how you should live.
Well does this mean that she can’t have him over at all for 5 months? Or just that you aren’t going to “officially” meet him until then. Cause if she needs to wait 5 months just to have him come over that’s somewhat unreasonable and I don’t blame her for saying she will move out. It would be a pretty big pain in the ass to only be able to go to his place every time. If she has to wait nearly half a year to have privileges sufficient to be able to watch a movie with her boyfriend in the place she is paying to live, that doesn’t sound great. It’s your boundary so keep it if you feel the need, but if she moves out because of it you shouldn’t be surprised. You are allowed to set the rules of your house but if she finds them too invasive then she is free to find somewhere else. You can’t be upset at someone leaving when you put heavy restrictions on their romantic life for such a long period of time.
I don’t think you’re TA. You’ve been burned by her enough so you’re protecting yourself & your family. The sticky part is the fact that she pays rent & helps with your kid. Maybe you could work out a compromise? For example, you’ll agree to meet him somewhere else after 3 months and, if it goes well, she can have him over, but not around your child… or whatever stipulations are important to you.
Its completely sensible that you dont want a rotation of strange men in your family home with your young child and that you want it to be a serious relationship before that man is brought to the house
Your mother can either accept that or move out
I dont see this as very different as when a single parent starts dating, the advice is to wait at least 9 months before introductions
You need to protect your children, simple as that
You have a two-year-old. If you were a single parent, and dating? Psychologists would advise you to wait at least a year to introduce a partner to your kid. No jokes, that’s how it is. And there are good reasons for that. So given that your mum is living with her grandchild, five months seems pretty generous. It’s one thing if you meet a guy who’s picking her up for a date. Okay. He’s at the door for two seconds, or you wave from the porch. But if she’s intending to include him in family stuff, or have him in your home? Then five months is pretty generous I would say.
You’re literally giving her a place to live and asking for the bare minimum in return. You’re not stopping her from dating, just saying you don’t want strangers paraded through your home. Totally fair.
It’s called boundaries. She’s living in your home with your family, not vice versa. She is an adult.
Your mother sounds selfish and neglectful. You sound like you have been through past trauma with her. You have every right to tell her what you did.
YTA. She pays you rent and has help you out with your daughter when you needed it; I understand not meeting your daughter but I dont see the issue with meeting you. You are not a child and shouldnt control what your mother does or doesnt, specially since she pays you rent. At the end of the day you can do whatever you want but I think your behaviour is controlling.
Completely up to you but I think you are going about this the wrong way.
Would it not be better to meet him and get a feel of him first? I understand not wanting him around your kid until you know him better and she is sure about him but I would try to be a bit more objective. You are an adult so you do not need to get emotionally invested.
I would keep a timescale on him coming to your house but 5 months is quite long to not even say hello
NTA And it sounds like OP and her Mom have a very traumatic past. It’s possible that Mom has brought men into OP’s life that had a negative impact on younger OP. Five months isn’t a big ask. OP has one small child and another on the way. She needs to protect her children from Mom’s poor choices when it comes to the men she dates. And before five months, Mom barely knows the guy. No harm in waiting to meet until the relationship firms up. Reality is Mom needs to find her own place to live. She’s getting pushy and resentful. Her entitlement is showing as well. OP has every right to show Mom the door.
It’s time for your Mom to move out and get her own place. Not in an angry way, but in an “it’s just time” way.
She’s dating. That’s perfectly fine. But you have a toddler and a baby on the way. If she were a single Mom, it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to bring a stranger home to be around children this age so quickly. It’s not different just because they are your children.
Your Mom needs a place of her own, where she can entertain as she pleases, and you can use that room for your growing family and meet her new guy at her place and not yours.
Stop squabbling and just have her find her own place.
I could understand this if you’re somehow worried about your mom getting raw dogged in the living room but consider this, would you worry if she was bringing a platonic friend over? She’s your mom, your child’s grandmother. The protections we put in place for our children when having romantic relationships is because of their relationship with the other parent. Grandma is a very different story. It’s not as close as a parental relationship. And since this is pretty obvious I believe you’re attempting to be “enlightened” as a parent while actually just being controlling.
My children are all adults and I would feel very disrespected by this. It would be different if there was a discussion, some considerations but this is a summary decision and in my book, yta.
NTA- I’d move mom out. If she wants to do as she pleases, she must have her own place. That’s just life. I don’t understand some of these comments. You don’t get to do as you please just because you’re renting a room. Rules still apply whether it feels fair or not, otherwise there would be no such thing as a lease agreement. You do not need her strange boyfriends coming around your home and kids every other month, especially while you’re recovering from post partum. If your mom is intent on helping you, she can do so without living there.
My grown children met my new boyfriend early. I didn’t want a repeat of their dad (didn’t say that) but I wanted their opinion. Like red flags and all. Short story. They love him. Now if they were 5 yeah no way. But yes you’re grown. We as grown women want opinions of other grown women :).
I see both sides. Neither side is 100% right. You are a bit of an AH for making it 5 mos, set in stone.
She is a bit of an AH flitting from guy to guy and wanting to bring that around your kids. (Co-dependency) It’s confusing for kids to have a constant parade of strangers in the home. Especially when you don’t know their backgrounds.
Maybe a small compromise? If that doesn’t work, then yeah, she will need to move.
Wait, your mom is paying you to help you care for your kids???
NTA for not wanting to meet them too soon, but I’d sure as heck want to vet them before they get too serious.
I wouldn’t worry about your 5 months rule. It looks like her relationships never get that far anyway. Be safe!
Idk I don’t think she’s paying “cheap” rent since she is also helping out with your daughter and I imagine she’ll help out with the next as well. How much would you have to pay for a nanny to watch 2 kids in your area? Watching kids is hard. That’s a very strict rule for someone who’s paying rent and “helping out” with your kids.
NTA. Your mom is renting a room in your family’s home to provide you with childcare and to be near her family, it is not a place for her to bring home men. This should be beyond obvious to her. Every time I’ve dated someone with roommates, we never spent time at their place. Who wants to hang out in some random young family’s living room? And what weirdo would even think about having sex in their house? Why does she want to bring unknown men around your family?
YTA For allowing this mess to have any role in your child’s life at all. How did you ever convince yourself and the child’s father that this was a healthy, smart choice for a small child?
“I want to go to school and have a baby. I know what will be best for the child’s upbringing! The sober junkie who traumatized me in childhood! What could go wrong with someone who has a long track record of thinking with her vagina and values random men over her children!? I know what will be best! If she moves in at dirt cheap prices so, my child will be fully immersed in toxicity in their formative years just like me! You know since I can’t raise the first one on my own, I’ll pop out another one for her to pollute with her bad choices! Now to go on reddit to play victim of my own choices. My mom can watch the kid while I have an internet pity party.”
Pretty fucked up you give the kids the gift of life, then turn around and curse them with generational dysfunction.
As a woman in her 40s, I want to tell you that your mom is far too old to be thinking she’s ’in love’ after a few months. She should know by now to let things settle down before rushing anything.
And from how she’s talking about how she pays rent, I’m guessing she doesn’t just want to introduce the BF, but wants him to stay over?
Hell no. You have small children. You do not let random boyfriends into your home. It’s an established fact that paedos deliberately target women with access to kids (usually single moms, or women whose husbands are away in the forces, but I’m sure a young granny will do in a pinch).
Your mom has already put you through a lot. If you can’t put yourself first, put your kids first. No to random men coming into your home.
That’s totally reasonable. NTA.
kinda yes, YTA. sure she’s your mom but she’s also your roommate (in the sense that she’s an adult who pays rent to live where she does), and it is weird to tell a roommate not to bring a guest over.
did yall discuss that rule beforehand? I always discuss house ground rules with adults who will live with me BEFORE they move in. sounds like you all need to not be roommies anymore.
If you’re not adult enough to have coffee with someone your mom is dating a an ADULT, maybe you shouldn’t be having a baby. Like, trauma cause he’ll be gone soon? It must be nice to be so very sheltered.
As a Whovian I understood and responded playfully. I of course was unaware of your disability and would never make fun of it. I have severe neuropathy and cannot run anywhere myself.
Yes I opened the debate. However, you went from covering what was known into supposition. That’s the difference. She said she didn’t want the men she was romantically involved with around. She also hasn’t said anything that would support a reason for it. Like past inappropriate behavior her mother has done. If there are to be limitations that’s cool. Boundaries are necessary, I was a single parent for my children’s lives I totally get it. And I did everything to protect them. I never left them alone with people I didn’t implicitly trust. But I didn’t make the trust a matter of an arbitrary distinction.
In the end it’s OP’s choice and one she should really be thoughtful about. If there’s a reason to not trust her mother’s behavior and she doesn’t value the relationship then it’s appropriate. But despite society’s romantic notions that all is forgiven down the line society seems to ignore it’s rarely forgotten.
You need to get I to therapy to deal with your feeling about how she behaved when you were a child. You can’t stop her from making bad decisions and running off with some guy. And if you’re going to threaten to not let her come back, you need to mean it or you will keep disrupting you own household.
I say this because I want you to realize, you have the mom you have, not the one you want.