Hello Reddit,
I’m a 20-year-old university student, currently living alone in student housing about an hour away from my family. I’ve been living independently for a year and a half now. Since last October, I’ve been in a relationship with a wonderful boyfriend who is incredibly supportive, and I truly feel lucky to have him in my life.
I come from a Muslim background, and while I personally no longer believe in God, I still hold strong values and believe that if God does exist, He wouldn’t punish me for living a happy and fulfilling life, especially when I am constantly trying to be the best, kindest, and most honest version of myself.
My family knows about my boyfriend. My mother tolerates the relationship under the assumption that we aren’t doing anything that goes against religious values. That’s not the case, but I’ve chosen not to correct her because I don’t think it’s her business, and I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong.
I want to move in with my boyfriend next year after I finish my bachelor’s degree. We already spend most of our time together, and the relationship is strong and loving. It feels like the natural next step. But I’m struggling with how to tell my family, especially knowing how it will likely be received.
I’ve lived completely independently. I moved out on my own, I support myself financially, and I’ve handled everything related to school and life without any help from my family. Yet my mother still expects me to act like the perfect religious daughter, completely ignoring the person I actually am. She also refuses to acknowledge that I no longer share her beliefs.
My younger brother has done nothing productive for the past few years and has even gotten into legal trouble. Still, I feel like I’m judged far more harshly just for trying to live a joyful and honest life outside of strict cultural expectations. He even refuses to meet my boyfriend because he believes I’m living shamefully, which feels incredibly hypocritical.
My boyfriend comes from a kind, open-minded family who treats me like one of their own. He doesn’t understand why my family reacts the way they do. He believes, and I agree, that if someone chooses to immigrate to a new culture, there should be a willingness to adapt and evolve, especially when it comes to respecting individual freedom and happiness.
I know I’m not doing anything wrong. I just want to live my life openly and honestly, and I’d really appreciate any advice on how to talk to my family about this in a way that’s honest but not unnecessarily painful or dramatic. Thanks for reading.
Comments
Wow. Your family will eventually accept that. It’s not like you’re sleeping around.
Why don’t you get married instead of just moving in?
Well. If you are already doing everything on your own and your family doesn’t support you. Then what are you afraid of? The man you love is the man you love no matter what. What’s the worst that will happen? You get married and still live an hour away and live your best life while your family still does their thing and are upset with you? So what? I understand about wanting to parent please. But you are a grown ass woman and no longer a child. If your mother gets mad it’s because she doesn’t know any other way to live. She has been boxed into that religious dogma and lives in fear for stepping out of an imaginary line that her culture has put there her.
You do not have to live in fear. Your family will never be satisfied no matter what you do most of the time. In your case, you already know how it’s going to go down. Don’t subject yourself to revoking your freedom and stop being a human being just to satisfy your religious parents beliefs. It’s their way of life. Not your way of life.
It sounds like you have a wonderful life and a man who loves you and his family loves you.
That is what’s important.
You didn’t incarnate here just to be a kept woman with no rights or dignity and live an insufferable life just because someone else wants you to because they don’t know or want to know any other way of living.
You are an adult and can make your own decisions. Be respectful of your family and their religious practices but that does not mean that your life choices need to be theirs. Go low contact with them and spend more time with your BF’s family.
Just be pleasant, respectful and don’t bring up certain topics unless they ask and then you should answer briefly and honestly.
They’re going to be upset no matter what you do. Be prepared to go no contact with them for a while to forever for just trying to live your life. Personally, I wouldn’t tell them until after you move in together. Depending on your culture, they might try to kidnap you and get help from other family and friends to prevent you from doing what you want to do.
I gave up all church related activities because the Catholic Church refused to marry me to my Jewish fiancé. We had to get married at the courthouse downtown.
I don’t bow down to religion and politics and IDGAF what anybody thinks, even if they are family.
It only matters what I think.
They either want a daughter that is happy and healthy and well adjusted, or they can all get bent. It’s pretty simple and straightforward.
At your age, my mother expected me to live as my older sister dictated. Looking back, I absolutely made the right decision to do what was right for me. It caused a lot of problems in our relationship, but that was on her. Funny thing, when she got sick, I was the one who helped my dad take care of her, not my sister. Anyway, you are young with your whole life ahead of you. If your BF makes you happy, go for it! If your mom loves you, she needs to accept your religious values. My dad was very religious but he accepted me even though I didn’t have the same beliefs.
With your cultural background, they have a tendency to be harder on women. I would use caution before moving in with your BF. Just depends how devout and traditional your family is.
Your brother gets forgiven for his misdeeds simply because he’s a male. That’s just the way it is.
Maybe between now and then you can get a better idea how they’d accept the changes in your life. Good luck.
I’m 29f and here’s what I’ve learned from life and from therapy dealing with a similar situation. Life is simply too short to care about what other’s think. You live your life however you want and do what makes you happy. Anyone who accepts you, you will love with open arms. Anyone who doesn’t accept you, that’s their loss.