This is a throwaway because I don’t want to be recognized but I seriously could use any advice.
I’ll try to summarize as best I can but can answer any questions too. I met my now husband about 4 years ago and it was after a really terrible on and off abusive relationship that really got between me and my family. I dated someone else between but I can’t describe it with my husband, I knew pretty immediately he was the one.
My family didn’t not like him at the start, but he just didn’t go around them very much because I would usually go to him to frankly get a break from my family. I was living with them at 23 and wanted space.
Then tension started to grow because I was going to him more and they didn’t like that. Then I moved in with him, and they weren’t crazy about it but tolerated it and I was happy. I also think there was a big part of them that thought I needed to be alone for a while. I questioned that too but I was alone and I know I’m okay being alone and when he showed up, I didn’t want him to go anywhere.
Then I messed up. We eloped and I didn’t tell them. I 100% admit this was so the wrong move now but I was being young and dumb and thought I knew everything and was ‘protecting my peace’ if I could go back in time and change anything it would be not having them there. But I felt judged by them, I felt like they weren’t letting me love past my horrible relationship choices in the past, and I wanted to make this decision completely independently. My husband tried to get me to tell them but I didn’t for about a month. I wish I had a better reason why but it switched to a point of I was scared because I knew I regretted not telling them. (Not the marriage itself)
Not too long after we were married my husbands mental health really suffered. He’s struggled with it his entire life and always pushed it down and never faced it. He’s also at an age where it’s common for men to face mental breakdown, and he did. He lost his job, his anxiety is out of control, he’s struggling to keep work because he’ll have panic attacks in the middle of the day. We got into a lot of money stress and my parents, being the people they are, bailed us out to look out for me.
But all that, along with the rough road they had with him at the start, is really putting a strain on my relationship with my family and I’m struggling with how to move forward. I’m hoping I’m not the only one who’s faced something at least a tiny bit like this and if anyone has gotten to the other side, I’d really appreciate some advice, how can I start on a road forward? I miss my family and I love my husband so much and want to support him to get to a better place.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body:
This is a throwaway because I don’t want to be recognized but I seriously could use any advice.
I’ll try to summarize as best I can but can answer any questions too. I met my now husband about 4 years ago and it was after a really terrible on and off abusive relationship that really got between me and my family. I dated someone else between but I can’t describe it with my husband, I knew pretty immediately he was the one.
My family didn’t not like him at the start, but he just didn’t go around them very much because I would usually go to him to frankly get a break from my family. I was living with them at 23 and wanted space.
Then tension started to grow because I was going to him more and they didn’t like that. Then I moved in with him, and they weren’t crazy about it but tolerated it and I was happy. I also think there was a big part of them that thought I needed to be alone for a while. I questioned that too but I was alone and I know I’m okay being alone and when he showed up, I didn’t want him to go anywhere.
Then I messed up. We eloped and I didn’t tell them. I 100% admit this was so the wrong move now but I was being young and dumb and thought I knew everything and was ‘protecting my peace’ if I could go back in time and change anything it would be not having them there. But I felt judged by them, I felt like they weren’t letting me love past my horrible relationship choices in the past, and I wanted to make this decision completely independently. My husband tried to get me to tell them but I didn’t for about a month. I wish I had a better reason why but it switched to a point of I was scared because I knew I regretted not telling them. (Not the marriage itself)
Not too long after we were married my husbands mental health really suffered. He’s struggled with it his entire life and always pushed it down and never faced it. He’s also at an age where it’s common for men to face mental breakdown, and he did. He lost his job, his anxiety is out of control, he’s struggling to keep work because he’ll have panic attacks in the middle of the day. We got into a lot of money stress and my parents, being the people they are, bailed us out to look out for me.
But all that, along with the rough road they had with him at the start, is really putting a strain on my relationship with my family and I’m struggling with how to move forward. I’m hoping I’m not the only one who’s faced something at least a tiny bit like this and if anyone has gotten to the other side, I’d really appreciate some advice, how can I start on a road forward? I miss my family and I love my husband so much and want to support him to get to a better place.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Advice: live your own life, and don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks…
I have a feeling there is a lot of information missing. Despite them saying they would have preferred you stayed alone longer, what other reasons are there that they don’t like him?
if you want to help your relationship with your family, i think the best thing to do in this scenario would be to formally introduce your husband to your family and allow them to get to know each other. they’re probably worried about you because of the past relationship you mentioned, and just want to make sure you’re okay.
it may help them come around and be more supportive if they could get to know him and see you both together. i generally think sitting down with them either by yourself or together to talk about everything/your relationship and what’s going on will help.
as far as your husband’s mental health – i’m sorry you both are going through that. if therapy is an option (financially), that may be something to try.
You wanted to protect your peace until it was time for your parents to bail you out financially.
How are you and your husband doing financially now? Is he working, are you working?
Honestly I fully understand your.families concerns, your first marriage was abusive and you’ve then gone into a second relationship, married without telling anyone which is a slap in the face, youve then reached out for financial help which is cheeky given you didn’t invite them to your wedding, and now he’s in crisis and you want to rebuild?
By anyone’s standards you have put yourself in a shitty situation and you’re a grown up, you need to deal with it. You seem immature and avoiding telling your parents was childish. You say you were young and dumb, but you were 23.
I’d suggest you rebuild with your family separately, have coffee with your mum and dad, don’t ask for anything, be consistent with them. Show up, be respectful. Once this is rebuilt over time, then you can reintroduce bigger family meetings.
In my relationship, I’ve been your husband almost verbatim. You two are definitely not alone , because if I didn’t know any better- I’d say my wife posted this
You need to re-establish your relationship with your parents. Apologize for the immature things you did that hurt their feelings. Apologize for “feeling judged” when they were looking out for your best interest. Why would they trust your judgment when you repeatedly returned to an abusive relationship, then dated a new guy, then ran off and got secretly married? You need to demonstrate honesty, maturity and level headedness to your parents. Only then will they begin to trust anything you have to say about your husband.
Need more info on why they didn’t like him to begin with
I wonder about this…. It could be there’s red flags on one side or the other- it it could just be a LOT of misunderstandings piled up,
Maybe your parents are clingy, wring their hands about your safety, and maybe they’re overprotective, and can’t accept that you’re a whole ass adult now, and you can make your own grown-ass decisions.
I don’t know though- and I’m with most people in that I don’t feel like I’m getting the full picture.
But I’m also with the others in that an apology is a good place to start.
Hope to hear from you soon OP. GOOD LUCK!!!
Have your husband do vocational rehab, and therapy. Get him a less stressful job. But as long as your parents are supporting you 2 financially, there’s no moving forward.