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DH and I are a few years out from any child(ren) in the picture. We haven’t talked about those plans with any certainty but we are at least a year or two out.
MIL, unprompted, goes “I don’t know what your plans for children are, but I don’t think it should be on you to give me grandkids”. Gee, thanks MIL. The way she says stuff so matter of factly (even when it’s a well intentioned sentiment) drives me NUTS. Also crazy because she has asked me what our plans were and I have said “not for a little while” pretty much as the standard response since she started asking ~2 years ago. She is on an info diet as far as I am concerned, and DH is very respectful of the fact that I wish to keep it that way. DH does wish things were different, but is respectful of whatever my hangups are.
Anyway, she called me earlier today because I am not going to her place ~2 hours away on Mother’s Day. I would love to spend it with my mother who I am very close to (only child of a single parent), but she lives in another country, so I am spending the day with a close friend going fruit tree shopping instead. I spent last Mother’s Day with the same friend, so it is not like there is precedent for her to tell me she is “devastated” that I am going to be missing Mother’s Day brunch/linner (lunch+dinner).
DH has a sibling (let’s call them C) who is isolated with no friends or family, living out a very rough patch in their marriage in a different state that is either a 22 hour drive straight or a 3.5 hour flight straight. During our call MIL also brings up how devastated she is sibling C (who is the identical twin of the child that died, who we will now call sibling Cx) won’t be here, and goes on an hour long rant about how the day will never be the same due to the child that died always being missed on days big and small.
Now before I proceed with the next part I need to specify: I am not an asshole. No stranger to loss of people I love (whether to life or to death), I understand the sentiment. Not in the specific way of losing an adult child, but I do understand what it is like to lose and miss people who were taken before their time.
MIL goes “I don’t think child C should have a kid with husband, because that wouldn’t be good. But it would be the closest it would come to child Cx having a kid, and I feel really sad that this has been taken from me.”
Now idk about you guys but the waaaaaaaay that gave me the ick, I thought I was going to throw up. I have mentioned to DH in passing that if child C ever had a (biological) kid the same time we had a (biological) kid, MIL would 100% favor child C’s kid over ours. Which is fine. I don’t live and die by her actions so it’s not a big deal to me. DH thinks this is preposterous, and suspects I will use these “made up thoughts” as a way to keep his family away from any future family we create. Except I have no intention of doing that. I think they are nice people, but I just don’t particularly care to have them be “my” people, if that makes any sense?
MIL has, over many instances, made me believe that one grandchild would be favored over the other. Today being one of them. That is probably not the way she intended to come across, but it doesn’t change the fact that that is how she came across. I am sure if DH brought it up with her she will play the victim and cry about how she’s Though at this point, I think DH and I are her best shot at a grandchild. Maybe someday it will happen, and I will be back here talking about how she is overbearing and won’t let me have a moments peace (I can totally envision that happening).
Anyway, my hour and half long conversation left an extremely sour taste in my mouth and I just needed to get that off my chest. The alternative was to let it occupy space in my brain and drive me nuts, but I don’t want that for myself. Thanks for reading!
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I lost a child. I might be tempted to think like MIL, but I sure wouldn’t say it aloud, and I’d probably slap myself on the hand for having such thoughts.
Next time she says anything off, say:
MIL, I couldn’t help but notice that you are struggling with the loss of your child. I would highly recommend that you start seeing a therapist in order to work through your trauma and thoughts. Unfortunately, I’m not qualified to help you and our conversations are becoming increasingly bizarre. You owe it to yourself to try and heal your pain.
Does she sound odd? Absolutely but she lost a child. If she were trying to intrude in your life, I would kindly tell her to mind her own business.
Is the guilt trip necessary? Nope and as long as you’re not altering your plans — continue to ignore her. I would also mention to your husband that her comments are both very off and highly concerning. Hopefully he can talk her into getting some sort of help.
Why would you talk to her for 90 minutes? That is your husband’s job!