I’ve read some posts on here about MIL being invasive during a pregnancy and wanting to know every single detail. The comments were unanimous about nipping it in the bud because it will be much worse when the baby is born. Wish I read these comments sooner.
My first child. I finally got pregnant after my husband and I trying for a while and we were so excited. So was my mother in law for “her baby” as she immediately stated. I should have known from that point, but I attributed her extreme interest as excitement for the baby boy too. But it quickly turned into me feeling as if im the surrogate mother to her child. My husband is her only child and apparently this was her chance to do it again.
She wanted to know when my appointments were and the exact details to follow. If I didn’t answer right away she would call her son and get the details. I was always so nauseous and she would say I’m doing something wrong and I’m hurting the baby, as if I wanted to be sick. She would even call my mother and rant about how I’m doing pregnancy wrong and that my nausea and acid reflux were hurting the baby and I wasn’t taking care of myself enough to want to fix that. She wanted to know exactly what I was eating, how many walks I took, what prenatals, if I was buying the correct baby things. She wanted to know what names I thought of in order to give her input. She would send me books to read and keep asking if I was reading them and if I said no she would tell me I’m not educating myself on anything in order to be a good mother.
As my pregnancy progressed, I stopped answering her calls as often and replying to her text messages. That’s when she started trying to get to me through my mother and husband. Literally telling them she didnt think I was being healthy and I wasn’t listening to her because she’s a nurse and knows best. Full disclosure – during my pregnancy I only gained 5 pounds and the baby was perfectly healthy. I appreciate advice, but this was something else on a whole strange level.
For my babyshower she kept referring to herself as ‘the second mother’. My friends mentioned it to me saying they thought it was weird. My mom herself was not comfortable with that either. Throughout my pregnancy my MIL made it known she did not want to be called grandma but possibly “meme”. I now think it’s because it’s so close to “mama”. My husband said he’s okay with it because she’s a ‘young grandmother’ at 55 years old. Okay maybe I was overreacting so I let all of it slide. It’s okay right? She’s only trying to be so involved because she cares so much and is so excited for ‘our baby’.
Fast forward to me giving birth. Okay she’s obviously concerned about the details of birth but she goes on to want to know the exact details of everything so she can tell us if we are right or wrong with any decisions. If she lived here, she would want to attend the pediatrics appointments. She won’t stop telling me correct ways of breastfeeding. Since my baby is cluster feeding, I’m the one who is doing it wrong otherwise he would be on a schedule. That my breast milk is bad, that I don’t have enough, that I’m just doing it all wrong. She goes on and on. She’s calling my husband and mom again to let them know she thinks we aren’t qualified parents because we don’t want to listen to her. That I’m not an educated mother on how to take care of a baby. So for reference, I’m 37 years old but she’s acting as if im a teenage mom. At this point I’m getting rightfully fed up and contemplating whether it’s a good idea if she comes to help. I voiced this to my husband and he said well she’s just excited to he a grandma, let her do her thing. It’s just advice.
She’s going to fly in to supposedly take care of me for 2 weeks. At this point im a little more than 4 weeks postpartum. My mom came to help me first and then my MIL was supposed to come. Augh, I wish she hadn’t. It ended up with her holding onto the baby and me doing the housework. I’m exclusively breastfeeding, particularly my baby is a cluster feeder, and she would walk away with him while he’s crying to eat and I would have to tell her to bring him to me. She would deposit him in my arms and literally watch me latch him so I would do it correctly, then proceed to come back every 10 minutes to try to take him away. I had to constantly keep telling her that he’s still eating and I would let her know when he’s ready. If I wasn’t breastfeeding I felt like she would just hold on to him constantly.
All I needed was help to have food and possibly some house cleaning here and there. Most importantly I need sleep so if she brought food to me while im breastfeeding then amazing. That way when I’m not breastfeeding I can try to sleep or maybe take a shower. Basics that she promised she would gladly do.
Day one, as im delirious on 2 hours of sleep in 3 days, she comes to me with a long list of what I should be doing and what I’m doing wrong. That I’m not eating enough and what particular nutrients I’m missing that I’m not giving baby. That if im not going to get for example exactly 115 mgs of vitamin C in my diet or something like that, the baby should be on formula and on a schedule.
There’s always some remark or other. That I’m not giving him daily baths, that his nose isn’t cleaned more often, that there’s not enough blankets. She stands over me watching me change his diaper, telling me im not even strapping it correctly. I should be reading the books she sent. I should be following a schedule. I should be studying Montessori learning techniques and applying them or I’m not being helpful to his development. Oh my goodness! My child is only 5 weeks old and she’s trying to get him on a regiment or else I’m not a good mother.
When he cries at night to be fed or diaper changed, she immediately comes into our bedroom even as one of us is picking the baby up. She has to be there at all hours to watch that it’s all being done correctly. But then she announces she’s taking the baby for a walk in the stroller and won’t pick up her phone when I call an hour later to check up.
I’ve tried to tell my husband how overbearing she is and he’s just well she doesn’t visit often. She’s just being caring, what’s the big deal. I should appreciate it. I even voiced my concern to my mom when she was here and all she said was well are you going to stop her playing with her grandson, just let her and then she will fly back home.
But with it being this way throughout my pregnancy and now only one month in, I fear it’s going to only get worse. Regardless if she lives around the corner or 800 miles away
Oh and by the way, she mentioned having a scheduled visit where she comes every 2 weeks for 4 days for the rest of eternity lol.
Am I overreacting about this? Should I be assertive and say something. Stand up for myself as the mother of my child? And how should I go about this..because she’s staying for my first Mother’s Day…
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You are not overreacting. It’s hard to know when you are exhausted. Your husband needs to protect you from the stress and interference of his mother. If he can’t, go stay with family until he does. She is offering nothing useful and is adding to your burdens. She will not improve.
It’s absolutely not ok for her to be right there when you’re trying to bond with your baby. Don’t let her take baby anywhere by herself. This time is for you and your baby and MIL can either support you how you need it or stay away.
Maybe make her a list of what you need her to do when she’s over next time like she’s giving you lists. I don’t like my MIL but when she was here, baby was 3 months old and she never took him without me offering it to her and she gave him back whenever I asked without issue.
Your MIL is disrespectful and crossing boundaries.
You’re not overreacting she’s being horrible. Set boundaries stick to the boundaries and don’t allow her to do whatever she wants to do anymore. Your husband needs to get more involved with this you need to sit him down and let him know what you do and do not expect and what you will and will not put up with and then stick to it
This whole thing made me scream inside and then I read that she’s staying for mothers day and I literally screamed out loud! Can you go away for the weekend? Get a hotel just you and the baby? Your husband isn’t protecting your peace so he doesn’t deserve to spend the day with you
Oh, hell no! I wouldn’t put up with that shit. Since your husband has his head up his ass you have to be the one to stand up to her. “Thanks for the advice, but I’m going to listen to what my doctor and the pediatrician say.”No, you can not take the baby for a walk. You proved the last time you did it that you can’t be trusted.” “You’re creeping me out by staring and watching me breastfeed. It’s making me uncomfortable.” Whenever you have to feed the baby, go into a room where you can lock the door. If your bedroom door has a lock, then use it. If not, then get a lock. The best part is that the baby is going to call her whatever they decide. Plus, you can always keep calling her Grandma, and they’ll get used to calling her that.
I think your first priority is getting husband to see how inappropriate and difficult she is being. His excuses are pathetic tbh and he must do better. She sounds like a complete narcissistic nightmare OP 😭
Why haven’t your husband and mom blocked her yet?
STOP LETTING HER STEAMROLL YOU AND STOP LETTING YOUR HUSBAND BRUSH YOU OFF BC HE DOES ‘T WANT TO DEAL WITH HER. Good grief go stay with your mom with the baby and shine up that spine.
Seriously go spend mother’s day with your mom and stay the entire day bc your husband didn’t even prioritize you or how you feel during your own FIRST mother’s day.
Your baby is not your MIL’s mother’s day gift. Her son can figure that shit out.
You need to sit down and really talk to him no matter how uncomfortable you are with that but do so AFTER mothers day.
Your husband is betraying you. All it takes is one good time to cuss them both out and show your backbone.
Hell’s bells! That overbearing bitch needs to get out of your house. You are a fucking grown woman. Your husband should be shielding you. No more visits. Just NOPE. Happy first Mother’s Day. Tell her husband to take HER out for the day and give you a day to yourself. I hope she jumps back on her broom soon. Sending strength.0
You have a MASSIVE husband problem. This is so disrespectful.
The time to stand up for yourself was months ago, but now works too. And tell your husband everything HE is doing wrong, starting with not taking care of HIS wife and baby. Let him know the resentment is building, and either he finds a nice way to tell her to back off, or you will absolutely be doing it, and it will not be at all nice. Stop letting her hold baby. Tell her to go away when you nurse. Tell her if she doesn’t think you’re getting enough whatever, then she can waddle herself into the kitchen and make you a damn meal. When she says she’ll take the baby to help you. Say “No thanks, what would really be helpful is you [insert chore here].” Lock your bedroom door at night. Tell her you will absolutely not be hosting anyone that frequently, and you’ll let her know when YOU are ready for her next visit. And tell that noodle spined husband of yours that if he doesn’t figure out who’s side he’s on soon, you’ll be residing w your parents until he can figure it out. She raised her kid. This one is YOURS.
Oh my goodness, you are getting steamrollered! You are not at all overreacting. She needs to get back in the grandma lane, not the 2nd mom lane. You should definitely speak up although I know that’s easier for me to tell you than it would be to actually do in the moment. But just know that as a 37 year old woman who seems to be reasonably intelligent you don’t need to cower to your MIL’s demands. You are the expert in your child and the boss of where he goes. You don’t need to put up with a ridiculous visitation schedule (OMG, 4 days out of every 2 weeks??? That’s like 3 months out of a year. Maybe a 4 day visit 3 or 4 times a year is more like it). You don’t need to let Grandma tell you that she’s taking the baby for a walk. You can say no way, that’s not going to happen. Or you can say, I’m giving you one more chance to take LO for a walk BUT you need to be back in 30 minutes AND you need to answer the phone if I call. And if you don’t follow those rules there’s not going to be another chance. If MIL mentions how expert she is in parenting you can bring up how she had her chance to figure things out with her first child and now it’s your turn to do the same thing.
I donr know how you haven’t lost it on her.
Your husband is massively failing you and his child. I just can’t even imagine…
Can you go stay with your mom? Obvious marital counseling needed and at this point i wouldnt even try being nice to MIL. She is creepy and treating you like a surrogate. Im mean enough I’d look at her with the whole 2nd mom thing and say, I’m sorry, did we get married? Or are you married to your son? Back off.