Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some advice. I (18F) and my sister (20F) have never had a good relationship. Before I temporarily left to another city to live there for six months, all my life she was awful to me. She called me the b word at every little thing for a bit before I left, screaming and yelling at me over everything, at one point it was her constantly bullying me for my grades and always pointing out how she’s an A student while I’m a “failure”, when I was 12 she bullied me constantly for my interests, she was always ableist to me and always spitting out microaggressions about things she knows affect my life greatly (I’m autistic and also have PTSD, and she was slightly involved in the situation that traumatized me). I can’t even count how horrible she was to me and all the things she’s done for years, and it’s not like something made her this way, she’s literally been like this since I was little. My first memory of her was literally her insulting me. I have a lot of resentment towards her, as well as the rest of my family for refusing to believe me for years until recently. Even then, they’re more complicit.
Fast forward to now, a few months back I moved back in and I will admit, she has gotten significantly better, but there’s still problems. Now we’re in an endless cycle of us talking like normal, then she gets angry at me over a tiny thing, yells and screams at me, she doesn’t talk to me for a few days, and then approaches me again. (Note: she is ALWAYS the one to approach me first after a fight. I always stay away from her.) While I will admit, she’s gotten better than before (for one, she isn’t constantly screaming at me and calling me the b word at least once a day over little things), I’m just tired of this endless cycle. There’s only so much I can take, and I have way too much resentment towards her for all the years she’s endlessly bullied me, with her once literally saying that she finds it funny when I cry or get angry some years back. I really want to just stop talking to her entirely, but if I ignore her or tell her not to talk to me she gets angry and screams (She gets angry and screams when she talks to me but does the same when I don’t talk to her. Huh.) and she drags my mother into it. Of course my mother wants her two daughters to have a healthy relationship, but I gave up on that idea years ago, but she just keeps forcing me into it. I also can’t afford to move out, and can’t apply for university dorming as the deadline has passed. Does anyone have any advice? I’m just so tired of this endless cycle, and I’ll never forget the abuse she’s made me endure all these years.
TLDR: I want to cut off my toxic sister while being unable to move out, but she and my family just won’t let me.
Comments
Maybe you could try having a calm conversation with her when things are peaceful, explaining how her actions affect you and expressing your need for space. It might be helpful to emphasize that it’s not about cutting her out completely but rather about taking care of yourself. Also, finding a support system outside of your family could be beneficial. Friends, support groups, or even online communities can provide a safe space where you can share your feelings and get advice from people who understand what you’re going through.
Why do your parents allow this AND why do they let it continue for 18 years???? They don’t care if you have a relationship with her , they just don’t want to hear all the shouting . This is full on. BULLYING and in free world outside of the family house would not be tolerated. legally! so you prob can’t do anything legal but her desire to outshine you and grab attention for herself is its own sickness. After you say THAT to her AND parents , I would suggest a counselor and going with the ‘ask’ for coping tools . It won’t change her but you’ll have a way to deal with the bullying
Prepare some assertive lines to use and put these things back in your sister and mom. Such as: I don’t like how you’re talking to me; yelling and name calling is abusive and I won’t respond to that; how you treat me is unacceptable. Leave me alone. To your mom: I will not take abuse from anyone; why do you allow/encourage this? I need you to support my well-being and not pressure me to accept abusive treatment. I will not tolerate this kind of treatment. You cannot force any relationship.
In all honesty you should have slapped the shit out of her when you were kids. Then slapped the shit out of her again. Bad news is there is no way to do it now without the risk of some permanent consequences.
Good news is you are good. She reaches out after being a dick because she knows she is dead wrong. The problem is she is forgiven for it. You need to stand by your choice. Don’t talk to her fr. Tell mom dukes don’t talk to you about her because you have nothing to say. I love my mom with everything, but she knows when I make a choice that’s it. And the people I hold dear also know not to play with me like that.
If yal can’t come to terms or you can’t find a way to quell your growing resentment, please separate yourself from her because it will be much worse if things boil over. Not talking to her at all is better than someone getting hurt or you living decades anxious and abused.
These are unfortunate options, but sadly, she sounds like one of those people who have to learn the hard way.
Buddy, just stop talking to her.
Obviously let her speak but never acknowledge anything she says when talking in group setting.
When your parents/ family ask, just bluntly state “i have nothing nice to say to her, it’s better this way” learn to leave it at that. Or ignore their question and just move on to the next topic
Example
Fam: “ why are you ignoring sis?”
You: “have you ever wondered what it would be like to lick your own skeleton?”
Or
Fam: “why ……?”
You: “i dont want to. “
Fam: “but shes your sister “
You: “ i dont believe i have a sister”