Recently someone I know well gave me this bit of advice: “the worst thing someone can say about a [woman] is that she’s ‘really nice’. Being kind is one thing, but don’t be nice.” By nice, I think she meant being a doormat, pushover, kindness is like being a good hearted person. But how to know the difference?
Comments
Nice can be a performance versus kindness is an approach to life. Are you living a way that prioritizes kindness and being giving and generous?
It sounds like they can’t think of anything better to say about that person. Like, sunny days and finding pants that fit are nice. I’d like to think there’s more to say about me than I’m nice (which I’m not particularly nice, so there’s that)
Or they meant it like the difference between morals (internal, kindness) and ethics (external, being nice because of social pressures rather than the desire to be actually nice)
To me, kindness is acting in someone’s genuine best interest, where niceness is motivated by avoiding the discomfort that comes from conflict.
So e.g. if your friend is always complaining to you about their interpersonal conflicts and you can see that they’re actually the asshole, niceness would be telling them what they want to hear about how they’re totally the victim in the situation and the other person was wrong, whereas kindness would be gently telling them that they are acting a fool.
If someone is doing something that pisses you off, niceness is faking a smile and reassuring them that everything’s totally fine until you either blow up at them or start avoiding them completely, while kindness would be mustering up the courage to tell them how you feel and give them the opportunity to change the behavior.
To me, niceness is performative and transactional: you do a thing simply because it’s the socially accepted thing to do or because you expect to receive something in return. This can be as simple as holding a door open for a stranger so that they have a positive opinion of you.
Kindness is intentional: you do it because you want to, irrespective of how it might be perceived and whether or not you get something in return for doing it.
One can be interpreted as people-pleasing (or even manipulative, given the context) while the other is more authentic.
To me, “nice” is how I would describe someone who is inoffensive, easy-going, agreeable, and friendly. I would describe someone as “kind” when they are frequently helpful in a compassionate way. Someone who is always grouchy and curses like a sailor probably isn’t going to come across as nice. But I will probably think they are a kind person if they see me struggling with something and they offer to help me.
I don’t agree that “nice” is the worst thing you can say about anyone. I mean, seems to me that being known as a heartless bitch is WAY worse than being seen as nice lol!
That said, I would rather be remembered as a kind person than a nice person. People can be nice and yet be kind of useless in times of adversity. Nice people often shy away from confrontation and making waves. They are prone to people-pleasing and being a doormat. “Nice” can also promote feelings of distrust, at least for semi-misanthropic people like myself. Like, I work with someone who is always gassing me up, telling me I’m so smart and wonderful. I can’t help but wonder what they want from me. It is so over-the-top that it feels insincere.
Kindness doesn’t have this kind of baggage, in my opinion.
I don’t trust polite and I don’t trust “nice”. Nice is overrated. Nice is easy to pretend to be. Nice is social pressure. I trust people that speak their minds. I trust people that aren’t afraid of themselves. I trust those I have resolved conflict with. Don’t be nice. Be real. – Tanya Tagaq
Wow, most people who meet me say I’m nice, but now Im supposed to see that as an insult now?
It’s better than the people who constantly say how nice or kind they are, which I never do, but no one describes them that way.
Don’t know but people who give this advice I don’t enjoy being around.
Feel like it is just something they tell themselves to be insufferable.
Think about how New Yorkers navigate life. There’s autonomy, genuine concern for people, a willingness to help and be lighthearted, a strong take no shit attitude. These are all key components, you have to mess with the percentages so to speak but it’s a good basis.
I struggle with anyone who says “the worst thing someone can say about a woman is…”
how about we champion each other and accept that we’re all different with different strengths and weaknesses, and that’s ok. You be you, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be nice or emotional or sensitive or strong or independent or anything else whatsoever. You are beautifully perfect exactly how you are!
Just sounds like another way for women to categorize each other, a la “I don’t like her, she’s too nice. I’m actually kind, which is more authentic.”
You’re going to get mixed results from what people think those words mean semantically.
I’m someone who others have described as “kind, but not necessarily nice”, and what they mean is I can be a good person, but I don’t people please – at all.
What the person who said that is likely trying to say is be a good person because you believe it is the right thing to do, and not because you are people pleasing.
If your main motivation for being kind or nice of whatever word you want to use is a desire for people to like you, you might end up finding yourself surrounded by manipulators, abusers, and users who will take advantage of your desire to please.
You see women, for example, doing everything for their shitty useless boyfriend out of hopes he will reward her with marriage. This is people pleasing. This is what she means by “nice” (though not how everyone uses the term).
Meanwhile, taking care of your loving sick husband while he is sick because he would so the same for you and you’re partners and you love him — that is “kind” as the woman means it.
People call me kind because I am giving towards those who haven’t wronged me. I’ll stop and help a stranger who dropped all their papers, I am supportive of friends. I help out coworkers. Etc. But if someone crosses me I won’t just go along for the sake of peace.
What the woman was trying to say is be thoughtful, considerate, and generous towards people who inspire you to be so because it feels right.
I think the simplest way to differentiate is just to be genuine. Don’t over do the posivity / politeness and only say what you mean. ‘we should get togther soon’ but not mean it at all.
I think being kind is being mindful of others but also yourself (not people pleasing) and honouring what you say