I dated someone in my grad school cohort on a casual basis for approximately 5 months, before coming to the realization that I cannot manage casual with this individual, as she alternated emotional intensity and aloofness in a way that I found confusing. I also had some reservations as to our compatibility early on, but never firmly acted on them. Approximately three months ago, the alternating intimacy and distance, coupled with my accumulated resentments, culminated in my inquiring as to whether she saw us moving toward anything more solidified in the near future. Her answer was vague and evasive, so I announced a desire to distance myself.
I felt confident in the decision: she was at a place where she wanted to focus on herself and have fun, and I wanted to find commitment in the next couple of years, so our goals were simply incompatible. Plus, she had appeared to take an interest in other people, as she’d gone on at least one other date that she confirmed and appeared to flirt pretty heavily with others. Disenchanted with the ambiguity over exclusivity, I’d pursued a few other possibilities myself (albeit reluctantly: she had my heart.) We both seemed fine with it ending.
However, after inviting me to a coffee in the aftermath of that “breakup” conversation, she came over to my apartment and we were intimate. The lone difference from pre-“break-up” intimacy was some awkward conversation in between bouts of activity during which we both claimed to feel “conflicted.” What I recall her asking was whether I might “be patient.” Because I felt spellbound by her, despite my rational misgivings, I clung to that seeming indication that with a brief break during which she attended to her mental health, we might pursue something legitimate in the years to come (I now see my hope as naive, and more than a little pathetic.)
After that evening together, all signs of continued affection seemed to evaporate. She ignored me altogether when we saw one another, made passive-aggressive comments toward me in the company of our colleagues, and generally behaved in ways that were strikingly rude, which I found weird, given that we’d apparently agreed to remain friendly.
I began to give up on the prospect of friendship after her no-showing a couple of events I’d invited her to without so much as a text explaining her inability to make it. The last straw was her agreeing to hangout after a work function then bowing out as soon as the event wrapped. She sent what seemed like a rather half-hearted “sorry” text afterwards, but I was tired of trying to keep up some semblance of an amicable connection, so I didn’t acknowledge it for some time. After a couple of weeks, I figured I was being childish, so I sent a simple “no worries,” to which no reply ever arrived (I didn’t expect one.) I just knew she had a history of being ghosted by former intimates, and I couldn’t bear inflicting that upon her, as disappointed as I was in the whole situation.
Days later, I noticed that I’d been added to a group chat by her, as she was organizing a hangout for our cohort. I was surprised to be included, but was touched by the gesture, and took it as a sign that there were no hard feelings and we could be collegial in the future. Anyway, I woke the next morning to see that she’d removed me overnight, despite my not interacting with the chat. Given the platform that this was on, everyone would be able to see that I’d been singled out for removal, so this felt particularly aggressive, and possibly like a bid to ostracize me from a small, tight-knit community essential for my professional development over the next several years.
I was shocked that she would do something this public. I deactivated that account in embarrassment, but resisted the urge to block her on other platforms. I don’t know if she deleted or blocked my phone number, and I won’t be reaching out to verify.
I’m rather demoralized, as I’ve seemingly moved in the space of a few months from having a burgeoning partnership (or, maybe, as I eventually came to view it, a dead-end situationship) with someone for whom I cared deeply to having an apparent “adversary” (the word feels dramatic, but idk what else to call it) in this very same person, someone interested in interfering with my career and social life, insofar as they intersect.
I guess what I’m looking for is, maybe, some insight into why she’d do something like this. She was never overly public about the fact that we were seeing one another, so to do something that’d presumably invite questions as to why she’d second-guess including someone whom she was frequently seen alongside strikes me as unusual. Also, what, if anything, should I do when everyone is back on campus, in the event that this is what I fear it to be (part of a campaign of ostracism, for reasons utterly unknown to me, since I was under the impression she couldn’t care any less about me)?
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Backup of the post’s body: I dated someone in my grad school cohort on a casual basis for approximately 5 months, before coming to the realization that I cannot manage casual with this individual, as she alternated emotional intensity and aloofness in a way that I found confusing. I also had some reservations as to our compatibility early on, but never firmly acted on them. Approximately three months ago, the alternating intimacy and distance, coupled with my accumulated resentments, culminated in my inquiring as to whether she saw us moving toward anything more solidified in the near future. Her answer was vague and evasive, so I announced a desire to distance myself.
I felt confident in the decision: she was at a place where she wanted to focus on herself and have fun, and I wanted to find commitment in the next couple of years, so our goals were simply incompatible. Plus, she had appeared to take an interest in other people, as she’d gone on at least one other date that she confirmed and appeared to flirt pretty heavily with others. Disenchanted with the ambiguity over exclusivity, I’d pursued a few other possibilities myself (albeit reluctantly: she had my heart.) We both seemed fine with it ending.
However, after inviting me to a coffee in the aftermath of that “breakup” conversation, she came over to my apartment and we were intimate. The lone difference from pre-“break-up” intimacy was some awkward conversation in between bouts of activity during which we both claimed to feel “conflicted.” What I recall her asking was whether I might “be patient.” Because I felt spellbound by her, despite my rational misgivings, I clung to that seeming indication that with a brief break during which she attended to her mental health, we might pursue something legitimate in the years to come (I now see my hope as naive, and more than a little pathetic.)
After that evening together, all signs of continued affection seemed to evaporate. She ignored me altogether when we saw one another, made passive-aggressive comments toward me in the company of our colleagues, and generally behaved in ways that were strikingly rude, which I found weird, given that we’d apparently agreed to remain friendly.
I began to give up on the prospect of friendship after her no-showing a couple of events I’d invited her to without so much as a text explaining her inability to make it. The last straw was her agreeing to hangout after a work function then bowing out as soon as the event wrapped. She sent what seemed like a rather half-hearted “sorry” text afterwards, but I was tired of trying to keep up some semblance of an amicable connection, so I didn’t acknowledge it for some time. After a couple of weeks, I figured I was being childish, so I sent a simple “no worries,” to which no reply ever arrived (I didn’t expect one.) I just knew she had a history of being ghosted by former intimates, and I couldn’t bear inflicting that upon her, as disappointed as I was in the whole situation.
Days later, I noticed that I’d been added to a group chat by her, as she was organizing a hangout for our cohort. I was surprised to be included, but was touched by the gesture, and took it as a sign that there were no hard feelings and we could be collegial in the future. Anyway, I woke the next morning to see that she’d removed me overnight, despite my not interacting with the chat. Given the platform that this was on, everyone would be able to see that I’d been singled out for removal, so this felt particularly aggressive, and possibly like a bid to ostracize me from a small, tight-knit community essential for my professional development over the next several years.
I was shocked that she would do something this public. I deactivated that account in embarrassment, but resisted the urge to block her on other platforms. I don’t know if she deleted or blocked my phone number, and I won’t be reaching out to verify.
I’m rather demoralized, as I’ve seemingly moved in the space of a few months from having a burgeoning partnership (or, maybe, as I eventually came to view it, a dead-end situationship) with someone for whom I cared deeply to having an apparent “adversary” (the word feels dramatic, but idk what else to call it) in this very same person, someone interested in interfering with my career and social life, insofar as they intersect.
I guess what I’m looking for is, maybe, some insight into why she’d do something like this. She was never overly public about the fact that we were seeing one another, so to do something that’d presumably invite questions as to why she’d second-guess including someone whom she was frequently seen alongside strikes me as unusual. Also, what, if anything, should I do when everyone is back on campus, in the event that this is what I fear it to be (part of a campaign of ostracism, for reasons utterly unknown to me, since I was under the impression she couldn’t care any less about me)?
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I highly suspect that if this is how you present yourself and talk in real life that you were removed for reasons other than your ex-girlfriend being weird.
To a degree: you can only be ostracized if you allow yourself to be ostracized. In a situation like this, you cannot be passive in your own social network – you must be an active builder of your network. Make sure you’re connected to other colleagues.