I’ve just recently started a new job which I love – I have a great boss and the company seems like a really great place to work so far. I’m definitely trying to make a good impression with my work and also making an effort to get to know people outside of the office as well, going for beers and stuff.
I have a long commute as well plus a wife and kids and I’ll be honest at the moment I’m really finding it quite hard to juggle my desire to do well at the job and get integrated with the team with family life without feeling guilty. I feel like if I say no to a social event or beer after work then I’m damaging my perception but then I’m not at home spending time with the family.
I am a bit of a people pleaser and I suspect this is part of the issue that I don’t feel like I can say no to things when I should, but whatever I do I end up feeling bad about it in some capacity.
Maybe this is just how it is sometimes but any advice or thoughts? Anyone else feel the same?
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In long term better have some beer with your work mates but be there when she really needs you!
“Hey. We are going out for a couple beers after work.”
“Not today, going to go home and spend some time with my family.”
If your co workers don’t understand that then you actually don’t work at a great place.
It’s a balance. You don’t always need to go every time you’re invited and you don’t need to stay long either. When I was younger, a lot of the dads with young kids would stick around and have one beer and leave.
Woman over 30 here.
Family always comes first.
That being said, talk to your wife about what a good balance would look like for both of you. Maybe that’s after work drinks 1-2 times/month, maybe larger events 2-3x/yr.
And then also recognize that she will be pulling extra work at home to provide you these work opportunities, so either set her up with a babysitter to help lighten the load or give her other nights off to keep a balance.
Also, don’t let date nights/time with just you and your wife slip through the cracks – alone time for the two of you is important too
It’s a juggling act, but open communication and organizing your schedules together will keep you from feeling guilty while also allowing you to say yes to work enough so that you don’t feel like you’re missing out on opportunities
ETA – timing is everything. Be aware of when opportunities at work are coming up and make the push to be visible at these important moments vs just attending every 3rd outing without keeping an eye on the horizon
I very rarely socialize with coworkers outside of working hours or work related functions (holiday party type stuff). My career or relatio ships with coworkers and bosses has not suffered.
Draw boundaries and enforce them. Let them know your family always comes first through your actions. If you died tomorrow, your employer would replace you before your body was cold, your family can never replace you.
You don’t have to be an asshole about, but make it clear and be consistent. If you need to work late to meet a deadline and dont have anything special going on at home, of course, make sure the company goals are met. But if your asked to work late and your kid has a ball game or recital, sorry boss, my family is more important. No one will die if the project isn’t complete ld until next week.
Family first always.
I mean it’s just balance.. and you have great excuses on both ends ..
stop going to every happy hour, just say you have a family commitment, most people understand that.
On days you want to or feel like you should go cause so and so is gonna be there then you tell your wife it’s a new job and you’re trying to make a good first impression.
The reality is you’re technically in the wrong going to every single event you’re invited too when you have a family. Work is work, family is family.. of course you’re going to enjoy grabbing beers with new friends vs changing diapers and dealing with a tired wife.. but it’s selfish to not try and balance that. The longer you’re there then that balance should be way more skewed to your family..
Such is life pal, buckle up it only gets worse 😂
Discuss it with the wife. See how she feels. Feeling guilty is not the way to operate in this situation. I do see value in investing some time upfront to get to know the team, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be a precedent for an ongoing thing. Also, when it comes to family time the quality is more important than the quantity in my opinion. Be very intentional around what that time should look like. Maybe it’s helping out your wife when needed in meaningful ways. Maybe it’s setting up a specific play date with the kids. The reality is that you can find balance here, but it takes discussion and intentionality.
Edit: typos
On the days I’m working from home, I am always near my computer and respond to my boss in a timely matter. A lot of coworkers of mine always have “just stepped out” when the boss calls or when we need to collaborate on something. Because I am reliable, my boss doesn’t have to keep checking in on me to make sure that I am not out shopping or running personal errands. I always get my work done on time and rarely with a mistake. So if I need to leave work early or work remotely that day, it’s always an easy “yes” from the boss. That leaves time for my kids and wife. Others might have to go in or stay all day because they have to be babysat more.
How recent is the new job? I’m switching teams in the summer and told the wife that for roughly 2 months I’ll be leaning in to the job but it will ease up afterwards.
Hard boundaries
Work Phone goes in the drawer when i get home.
If there’s a special event like happy hour or social i let my wife know ahead of time.
And then Dad went out for a pack smokes and never came back
The first person you should be talking to about this is your wife. Explain the situation and how you want to make friends at work, and make a good impression. But you don’t want to put too much stress on her, and you don’t her to feel like you’re choosing them over her and the kids. I’m sure she’ll have an opinion that will steer you in the right direction.
It’s important to have boundaries with your co-workers too. You don’t have to say yes every time. It might make it more meaningful if you only go out once a week with them, or once every other week.
Being a people pleaser can be incredibly dangerous as a husband and father. Your wife and children are THE priority – full stop. The whole ‘going for beers after work’ thing should be extremely rare for a devoted husband and father.
That depends on how many hours a day you work and how many days a week. A dude who works 12 hours a day 6 days a week would have wildly different advice from me who works 5 to 6 hours a day 5 days a week.
For me, it’s not really hard to manage. I do have a long commute which sucks but the amount of hours I work I don’t really need to juggle, it’s fairly easy to find family time and even some alone time throughout the week.
All that said, I have co workers and I have friends. They don’t coincide with each other. My friends I hang out with in weekends, to bbqs, have beers together, our kids play with each other, etc. “friends” at work aren’t actually really friends for me. They’re co workers I get along well with but I never talk to them or see them outside of when they come to my office. I don’t see it causing a huge issue to not hang with them.
I personally always put my family first. That’s not to say I’m not committed to my job but I figure at the end of my career I’m going to have taken a lot more value in time spent with my family than time spent at my desk
It’s a balancing act…
On one hand networking and being a team player is a valuable asset to your career and growth.
On the other hand, with young kids and how fast they grow up, you miss out on a lot of little things and time together which you will never get back.
A beer here and there, a couple of times a month, not that big of deal. A few days a week where you’re not getting home until after the kids are in bed… That’s a bigger deal. Specially when you stop and think that if you died tomorrow, your work would have an ad out to replace your position before your body got cold.
What helped me, was coming to the realization of what matters most to me and my priorities. First and foremost, I work to live not live to work. I do not want my life engulfed by my work, I want my work to give me the ability to live how I want to live. And to me, thats not spending every waking moment at the office or with coworkers. Instead, it’s coming home to my wife and kids, going to the gym, making dinner, walking the dogs, slowing down and taking it all in.
As someone who retired recently after a 40+ year career in tech I will say that, for me, family life came first.
I did try to balance it – occasional socializing with work folks, but skipping most of them and always bailing early to get home at a reasonable hour.
At my pinnacle I was a Senior Director. At that level I was on the bottom rungs of upper management and got glimpses into how upper management worked. And it was not for me.
I could (and have) write several screen-fulls of details, but the bottom line came down to three things:
That was not the life for me, so I voluntarily moved to an individual contributor role, independently invented Quiet Quitting before it had a name, and spent the last decade of my career unapologetically exploiting my employers as hard and as ruthlessly as they exploited their employees.
Your mileage may vary, of course.
Your family is your first priority. So make sure your wife is good with whatever you’re doing. And you can never get back time lost with your kids. Jobs come and go, but family is forever.
That said, talk to your wife and plan things ahead if you do want to hang out with coworkers after work. That should be happening once a month, or maybe once a week at most. Maybe talk to your wife if you want to be more social while you are settling in and getting to know folks and making an impression.
After that just maintain the balance that works best for you and your family. Prioritizing family over work always. Anyone you work with should understand that. And of they don’t they aren’t so great.
“the only people who will remember you worked late are your kids”
Have to make a choice here man, and be confident that you’re happy with it. Can’t do it all.
My family comes first always. If I have to sacrifice some opportunities at work it’s a no brainer. My kids have a roof over their head, food on the table, and we’re able to provide opportunities and experience to them. That’s all I need out of work. Everything else is my family. My kids are going to remember the times I rushed home from work to see their game, or watch a movie with them.
Edit: the only people I care about pleasing are my kids and wife. As long as they can feel how much I love them while everything else is taken care of then I’m good
I don’t feel guilty for saying no to work.
It’s not all about quantity of time. When you are with your family, be super present. You can impress memories on your kids and give them the value of your presence more efficiently if you are intentional about it and conscious of how you’re spending those moments.
Fuck the team. Been there, done that. 10 years down the road when you no longer work there, they’ll be a distant memory. Your family not so much.
Hmm. I kinda nipped that in the bud in my interview 8 years ago. I specifically stated I don’t do overtime, because I am a family man. So far I’ve not been asked to do overtime ever.
I also am 15 minutes late every day during the school year cause I absolutely will be taking my son to school every morning until he can drive himself. Zero complaints, I put out work that my boss is very happy with so…
Seems like you just need to find your voice.
Every toxic work environment starts with a great group of people going for regular after work drinks. Give it time.
>I’m a bit of a people pleaser
There’s your problem. You’ve given yourself an open ended commitment to be infinitely present for both your family and your coworkers. Needless to say, that’s impossible.
You need to figure out for yourself what is reasonable. How many days per week are you willing to spend away from your family to make a good impression at work? Are you willing to spend more time at work right now while you’re new, then dial it back later? Are you actually willing to spend less time with your family over the long term just to make a better impression at work?
Answer these questions and you’ll feel less guilty.
I think it’s great that you are having a good time at work, and I think/hope your wife is happy about this!
You’ve already heard this, but it bears repeating – set a plan with your wife.
“Hey, I’m having a good time at work and I want to make sure I’m integrating into the team. How would you feel about me staying out a couple nights a month? Which nights would work the best? We can talk about it again in maybe 3-6 months? I’ll also ask if there’re any family outings so you can get a better sense of who these guys are.”
I think in my 54 years in the work place I probably went out for drinks twice. Family first. Every job is just a stepping stone to your next one. You will forget the names of your current coworkers. Your family needs you more than you need a relationship with your office workers.
Just don’t feel guilt. It helps if your employer/spouse is a jerk.
Your family should come first if they need you. A new job can easily be around the corner, but your family is there forever. Just try and communicate to your family so you can make a few work events and bond, and tell your coworkers you have kids at home and can’t make an outing. They should understand. At least my two cents.
I don’t, I only work and sleep as much as I can until I eventually end it
A truly great boss will value your work life balance, and not constantly pull you from your family for non-essential social events.
For me family comes first 100% of the time.
I don’t really give a shit about my career outside of it providing for my family. This does not mean I am not successful in my career, it means that I put in effort for 40 hours a week and am on to more important things immediately after work every day. If my company went out of business tomorrow, I wouldn’t really care, I would just find a new job.
And even before I was married with kids, I felt this way, I would show up to a work event outside of hours maybe once a year (Christmas party of whatever) and not answer calls from work outside of m hours.