So, here’s the situation: my wife recently adopted a puppy without consulting me first. It’s a designer breed that cost nearly four thousand dollars, and our two daughters are absolutely in love with it, but I feel blindsided by the decision.
In the past, we had a dog that we both agreed on, and I took on most of the responsibility for training and caring for it because I have more experience with dogs. My wife often relied on me for tasks like giving baths and handling the heavier responsibilities.
Now, my wife is about to get really busy with her new job, and she’s relying on me to help with the dog. But I have refused to take on any responsibility at all—zero.
The backstory is that she decided to adopt the puppy while we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. She mistakenly thought I was cheating on her (which I absolutely was not) and believed getting the puppy would help her cope with the perceived loss of our relationship.
If my wife would have consulted me first and adopted a breed we could both agree on, I would be more than happy to help out as much as possible. But since she went behind my back and adopted a breed I do not care for, AITA for not wanting to help at all?
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So, here’s the situation: my wife recently adopted a puppy without consulting me first. It’s a designer breed that cost nearly four thousand dollars, and our two daughters are absolutely in love with it, but I feel blindsided by the decision.
In the past, we had a dog that we both agreed on, and I took on most of the responsibility for training and caring for it because I have more experience with dogs. My wife often relied on me for tasks like giving baths and handling the heavier responsibilities.
Now, my wife is about to get really busy with her new job, and she’s relying on me to help with the dog. But I have refused to take on any responsibility at all—zero.
The backstory is that she decided to adopt the puppy while we were going through a rough patch in our marriage. She mistakenly thought I was cheating on her (which I absolutely was not) and believed getting the puppy would help her cope with the perceived loss of our relationship.
If my wife would have consulted me first and adopted a breed we could both agree on, I would be more than happy to help out as much as possible. But since she went behind my back and adopted a breed I do not care for, AITA for not wanting to help at all?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I refused to take was to help raise the dog in any way. I may be perceived as the asshole because my wife really expects my help especially with her new job.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, For not WANTING to help but you definitely should and if you don’t then you would be TA for sure. What she did is not acceptable but neglecting an animal that is in your home under your care would be worse all animals deserve proper care, (and training for pets) end of story. Idk how you expect to move forward in your marriage if you are still wanting to punish her for her “overreaction”. Very immature and won’t help y’all move on. Speak with her like an adult and move forward or separate but this isn’t acceptable.
Nta. A per is a long term commitment and always a 2 yes needed to move forward. Best thing for the dog is to rehome it to someone that can meet its requirements for caring for it fully
ESH…I agree that your wife shouldn’t have gotten a puppy without discussing. However, I do think you are an asshole for saying that the reason you are not going to take care if it is because you don’t like its breed.
My son brought home a breed I didn’t like. Within 2 hours it had crawled into my lap, up to my shoulder and fell asleep. When he came to take it back to where he got it, I said,”This is MY dog now.” Be careful who you hate, OP. They might become your best friend. Although this dog was free, not $4000.00
I was prepared to yta but, no. That dog is a constant reminder of your wife’s incorrect accusation that you were having an affair. Wtf? I wouldn’t want that reminder every day either. Nta.
That said, it’s not the dog’s fault, and you’re clearly a dog guy. You should really at least try to be the bigger person and just give the dog a chance.
ETA
That much money, the years of commitment a pet requires, and assuming you would help out are horrible of your wife.
The fact that you don’t like the breed it a really shitty reason to say no. Not to mention this dog didn’t do anything that had anything to do with your family now having it. Needs a walk? Sorry dude, not my problem? No one is home to feed you? Again, I don’t do that. And on and one. You can’t try to explain your reasoning to the poor dog because it is A DOG. It will probably love you, yet still realize you have something against it. Something like that can lead to behavior problems, and even depression.
Yeah, your wife screwed up, but it sounds like the issues in your relationship were a factor. I’m not excusing her behavior AT ALL. Just pointing out that we don’t always think things thru when there are high emotions involved. Sorta like being pissed you have a new dog you weren’t consulted about (100% valid), so you aren’t going to help out. Sadly the person you are upset with isn’t going feel the way you are hoping for. 🫤 please don’t take it out on the bundle of fur that woofs.
Whatever you decide, please don’t let the puppy suffer. It’s not the puppy’s fault to be in this situation.
As a dog owner, I know it is very hard to properly care for a puppy, but it was amazing at the same time since you love that puppy. If you are not emotionally connected to the new addition to ur family, it is not your fault at all. It’s just how things happen, and you can’t force it.
I believe the reason behind the puppy is also bugging you a lot. So it is not fair for you and the puppy. Because of that, I believe the puppy would make your marriage complicated as well.
I believe that the best thing you can do is to re-home the puppy. I know some people will hate me, and as a person who raised a German Shephard puppy, I am sad too.
But we have to be real and think logically about this. With time, if you didn’t build a positive emotional connection with the puppy, it will complicate things. And yes, your children will cry when you re-home the puppy. But they will have parents who love them and don’t need to spend half the week with one and half the week with another. And it complicates even more with step parents and step siblings and …….
Hope you get the point I’m talking about. Soo, the best thing is to re-home the puppy.
YTA – your kids love the dog. Based on that alone, help look after the creature bringing your children joy
No, NTA. Her puppy, her choice, her responsibility. She can ask, but that’s all she can do. I have to warn you though that your wife might play the ‘then I have to bring the puppy to a kill shelter’ card. Luckily, were I live, you don’t have kill shelters, you just have shelters, so I thankfully will never be confronted with that choice and I hope neither are you.
NTA
your wife is an AH.
"Now, my wife is about to get really busy with her new job, and she’s relying on me to help with the dog." … so she was irresponsible to get the job. Let her handle this on her own – if she can’t step up to HER responsibility, she can rehome HER dog.
All breeds are designer. They are all bred to meet a standard. Parents are intentionally paired to get desirable traits.
YTA because if you really know puppies/dogs then you know that without proper training your family is either going to abandon it or it will be a major nuisance for the rest of its life in your home. You didn’t choose it and you don’t want it but you have to accept responsibility for it. Finding it a GOOD home where it isn’t resented is in everyone’s best interest. While looking to find that home you need to step up and help it develop the behaviors that will help it have a good life.
OP, I know this is off topic, but I wonder if your wife feels neglected? I am not accusing you of anything, but it’s possible you aren’t speaking her love language, and she is desperate for affection. She thought you were cheating and were going to leave — probably because she wasn’t feeling the affection she needs. It’s not uncommon for a woman who feels her husband has withdrawn from her emotionally or isn’t as affectionate as he has been, to assume that’s because he is getting those things somewhere else. A dog offers her unconditional love, which she feels like she needs.
You sound like a logical, rational person, but if your wife is more emotional, she might feel like you are cold or uncaring. My husband is the same sort of rational, logical person. I sometimes have to ask him outright to speak my love language. I try to remember to speak his. (We don’t have the same love language. ) Find out what she needs to feel loved and valued. She might be more willing to rehome the puppy if she feels more secure with your affection. Too bad it’ll break your kids’ hearts, but bad things happen in life.
As an experienced dog person, if you decide not to be involved in the care and training of this pup, you will have no one to blame but yourself if you don’t step up and help with the dog and the pup is not as well behaved as you think he or she should be.
"our two daughters are absolutely in love with it,"
It would be massively unfair to punish your children because you don’t like the breed of dog your wife chose. Ask yourself what is more important, your children’s and your wife’s happiness or your ego.
The OPs wife should have consulted him without a doubt, but there was a situation where she did not feel safe in the relationship. The OP denies having an affair, but there must have been something that led his wife to believe he was.
ESH, except the children and the pup.
You are NTA for expecting to be consulted before another living creature is brought in to the household
But now the dog is here, YWBTA if you did not do your part in training the dog. With children in the house, you need a well trained family dog that’s learned to be friendly. And even when the acquisition was not your choice, you you should play your part in that. Because you have to play the hand you’ve been dealt, not the one you wish you had
NTA. She basically adopted a puppy to outline the loss of your relationship. In some religions the puppy being in your home is bad luck 😅🤣
NTA….she can’t do this unilaterilly….why does she do these things?
YTA because you would rather hold a grudge than move forward. How long do you plan on punishing her? She absolutely should have asked you about the puppy. But it sounds like the two of you have more spite than love in your relationship. She believes that you are cheating and going to leave her. So, instead of talking to you, like a grown up, she wastes $4k on a puppy. You are so upset that she did this, you are going to withhold your skills in raising the dog to punish her? You would rather have an untrained dog in the house than back down on your stance? That’s good…. As an AH you can also punish her for all future errors the dog makes because your relationship is adversarial
NTA spending that much on a dog is asinine. It’s not going to fix a problem in the marriage. At the least you both need individual and couple therapy. If that fails to resolve these issues of trust… id say divorce is in order. Call me crazy however buying the dog sounds more like a diversionary tactic. The kids love it and you’re pissed about her buying a dog. I’d be secretly talking to a lawyer and PI as no rational person would get a dog when “they will be busy soon” . I suspect is her feeling guilty about cheating and using dog as way to gain favor with kids.
Rough patch continues… cheating, new dog, wait for next…
I don’t think you solved the problem and I think you use dog as an excuse for punishing your wife. A sincere conversation with yourself and then with your wife about your feelings may help but I think marriage counseling is needed.
This puppy is only a symptom of your marital issues, OP.
Please consult a marriage therapist.
No, but with this attitude and stance you will likely lose your marriage. She was wrong to get a dog on her own. 100%. But in this case, you may be one who is right, but you will definitely still lose. I feel for you all.
That depends – is the puppy suffering because no one is looking after it? If it is ESH, because you NEVER take your arguments out on an innocent baby and that’s what a puppy is, a helpless, vulnerable, baby.
You have two choices, either step up or ensure.the puppy is rehomed to a responsible owner. Your wife was absolutely in the wrong to go ahead without your agreement, but, for heaven’s sake, your basic responsibility as a human being is to ensure the puppy’s safety.
It’s not fair that you have to deal with the situation, but, someone needs to, before an innocent little life is harmed.
ESH.
She bought the puppy under bad circumstances. But he’s in the home now, and you are still married to her. That means you will occasionally have to do some puppy-related tasks. Taking a no-negotiations stance on the matter is unreasonable, immature, and divisive. And it’s not a great example for your daughters. You are well within your rights to refuse to take over responsibility for the puppy. But helping out occasionally is just a part of being in a harmonious relationship with someone.
Stop trying to punish her for buying the puppy. Also, stop being petty. You said if she would have consulted you on the breed, you’d help out. That is petty as hell.
ESH
Your wife should NOT have gotten this dog behind your back. Even if she thought you were breaking up she should have waited until you were housed separately. How would she have looked after the dog right now if you were broken up?
That said, it’s not the dogs fault. Your kids now love this dog. The dog isn’t going anywhere. Tell your wife she is still responsible for grooming but just make sure the dog is being fed and walked. It might help you bond with it even though it wasn’t your first choice. Your kids love it, your wife loves it, the dog is now part of the family so learn to open your heart.
NTA
All the votes in the other direction are basically seek forgiveness and not permission and gets your wife she wanted from the outset.
INFO – do you want to stay married?
YTA majorly. I suspect there’s more to this cheating story that you’re sharing but either way she got the puppy under the conditions as she knew them to be at the time. If you wanna be a supportive partner and part of the team invested in your family’s happiness then you need to step up. Alsothe puppy has done nothing wrong. If you don’t help, your household income could potentially suffer, your daughters will definitely be short changed from their mom’s limited time, and the puppies needs won’t be cared for fully, so maybe get your head out of your ass and think about other people for once.
NTA
I don’t want to be mean, but your wife is a bit messed up, if her solution to "I think my partner is cheating on me and I am going to loose a relationship" is "I should get a pet dependant on me, taking in more responsibility and hoping the person whose relationship I am loosing will take care of it like before" instead of confronting you with the presumed affair and go on from there.
Even if that was not happening it’s still wrong to take up a dog without everyone agreeing to have it. I know my dad wasn’t too thrilled about us having a dog (to be fair he did end up being his favourite and the dog will not let him sleep without going out on a last walk for the night) but he agreed to it, at least in the way of "alright" rather then "yes! great Idea".
Then I feel like her spending thousands of dollars to get the pup is also a bit messed up. If she didn’t tell you about getting it, I assume you also had no idea of the price being payed. I assume you guys have joined finances, in which case it would be a big issue for me, to spend so much money without a conversation at least. If you guys have separate funds then it’s not as bad regarding this point, her money = she can do whatever, and same goes for you.
I am wondering though how old your kids are? You mentioned that they are ecstatic about the pup, but do they realise how much work one can be? Especially with school it would be difficult (depending on age) to be able to properly care for it. I see how they would love having a dog and it can be a great lesson in responsibility, but still getting one without both parents/potential caretakers agreeing is wrong.
I find it also inconsiderate that your wife expect you to take care of it because she is busy with work. How is your living arrangement? If you stay at home then I could understand her logic, but if you work as well then it sounds like she ignores your responsibilities, so that you can take of hers.
I think You’re totally TA and most people here are missing the point.
This is not about going behind OPs back, this is not a matter of principle. His only concern is that he doesn’t like the breed.
Liking dogs under the condition that you’re fond of their breed is superficial and disgusting to me. As if under the fur or behind the snout there’s any kind of difference on how deserving of care a dog is. Total AH.
NTA it sounds like she bought a doodle. Any credible breeder would take back the puppy the moment it needed a new home. I get being annoyed she had the poor judgement to blow 4k on a BYB HOWEVER you need to have a serious conversation about rehoming the puppy if you refuse to help with its care. This “hands off” approach will inevitably end with ur wife surrendering the dog once she finally accepts she doesn’t have the time for a puppy. Do not wait until the puppy is grown up and no longer cute or has been unintentionally neglected. It’s not fair to the poor animal.
Your wife was wrong to make a decision like that without consultation. But to take it out on the dog isn’t right either. The puppy is innocent. If youre not willing to help at all, are you saying you won’t feed it or let it outside if it needs to go? That would definitely make you in the wrong. The dog is here now so you need to deal with that. It sounds like you both need therapy
You have far bigger problems than the dog. NTA for the dog, but you either need to divorce or you both need to recommit to the marriage and get therapy.
While you are NTA with the dog, if you refuse to help you might as well divorce now. Her getting the dog like she did is indicative of her serious problems with your marriage and your attitude twords the dog is the same for you.
If you stay married and refuse to care for the dog, it will severely deepen the wedge in your marriage and make you the bad guy to the kids.
Like, NTA for not wanting to take care of a dog you didn’t consent to gdtting, but, idk that I could stay with someone who claimed I was cheating when I wasn’t. That’s such a breakdown of trust that I don’t thi k I could come back from it.
NTA, basically this is an affair dog that you are being forced to take care of.
Well your wife will find out that actions have consequences and in her case the consequence is 10-15y long.
NTA. Getting a pet behind your back is wrong, and trying to put the responsibility for the poor creature on you is even more wrong. Nobody should expect you to take on the majority of care for a dog you didn’t want. Either your wife finds a way to make her new job responsibilities work with caring for a dog, or please find a good home for the poor thing.
And if you aren’t already, you should probably look into couple’s counseling. This does not sound like the rough patch in your marriage is behind you.
ESH- most marriages involve some of this. One partner makes a decision and the other one has to cope. She def should have asked. But honestly ask y ou r self if you ever made a family decision without her input and she had to deal with ci sequences. Most marriages I know have a few of these and it causes resentment.
ESH, your wife for bringing the dog into the household without both of you being on board and then both of you for not recognizing that your marriage is in trouble and working to get right with one another…because in the end, this is not about the dog.
Not fixing the underlying issues around her fears of infidelity and your anger about her getting this dog is going to increase the toxicity in your household making you unfit to parent your children together let alone raise a puppy.
Your kids love the dog now, you’re stuck with it as a household member unless you leave your wife which would also mean your kids will always be “intermittent” household members in your post-divorce future home. If that’s not what you want, go to marriage counseling and work your crap out.
Edited to add: Puppies are no joke, they are like having a sharky headstrong toddler and require a lot of work to train and care for properly. I DO think your wife needs to bear the more significant portion of its care as this was her decision and commitment and she needs to not take the decision to do this again lightly. But it’s another innocent and helpless being in the household and you will be adding to the damage in your relationship with her and your kids if you don’t pitch in to some extent. I understand your resentment, you will need to work through that with her but the infidelity concerns are far more grave to deal with and recover from. With regard to the dog, perhaps agree to doing one meal, one walking session, and a short daily “play and train” session that you include your kids in, so you can share your knowledge with them and help them increase their ability to pitch in with the dog’s care.
NTA, but this situation isn’t sustainable. At a minimum your kids will see that pet care is not evenly shared and that’s not behavior they should model, no matter the reason. This will also likely lead to more conflict and resentment between you and your wife.
You need a serious discussion with her about the dog’s future in your family and your relationship as a whole.
NTA. She can hire a dog sitter. With money that she doesn’t spend on household bills. She can pay for training and grooming too.
This is a tough one. Your wife was TA for acting alone (and she’s clearly an impulsive thinker anyway since all that happened without proof of your affair). I don’t blame you for feeling angry about the entire situation and wanting her to deal with the consequences of her actions. But if you’re going to stay married, at some point you’re going to have to let this go. The dog’s not going anywhere and deserves attentive care and love. So ask yourself what she needs to do to make this right with you, communicate that to her, and if she does it, move on.
I think you should invest in both marital and individual therapy as there are a lot of strong feelings on both sides projected onto the puppy which is a lot for even the most empathetic dog to handle and isn’t doing anything to heal the underlying hurt feelings and resentment.
Your feelings are understandable, but your position is not constructive and you need to unpack this baggage if you’re staying married.
Like it or not there is a new family member needing to bond with and be loved and cared for by everyone.
So you’re going to ignore the dog for the next 12-15 years? Sure, your wife sounds like an idiot, but hey, you married her.
I think you’re both assholes lol.
She night a designer breed without considering adoption, but how can you not fall in love with a dog and just ignore it? That’s cold hearted.
Nta. Mainly because if she thought it would help her through the seperation she thought she’d be on her own and had a plan to look after it when you weren’t around anymore.
Or is she just so irresponsible she decided to get a living creature as an emotional support blanket not thinking about what will happen to it long term?
Make her organise doggy day care and/or get the kids involved. Or make her explain to the kids why it’s going back to the breeder so the poor animal can go to a family where everyone actually wants it.
It sounds like she got the puppy assuming you wouldn’t be in the picture. She needs to step up and take care of her dog, or rehome it to someone that will. Expecting you to take care of her spite puppy is bullshit. NTA,
Nta. She didn’t communicate. She bought a puppy. Adoption isn’t the same.
NTA.
What exactly was her plan here? She thought you had an affair – meaning there was a significant chance that you two would divorce and you not be there to take care of the puppy.
YTA. You took your wife back, and that includes the dog she adopted while you were separated. That dog is part of your family now, so you should care for it like for any family member. Acting like this will only make that fragile marriage more fragile again, and you sound spiteful. It’s not the dog’s fault that your wife thought you were cheating, and if you have not fully dealt with that you should address it in marriage counseling.
NTA. Rehome the wife.
I get why you’re bothered, but what is your end game? Do you want to be in the right or to have a happy home life? Do you want this to be the thing that causes a rift that just keeps growing with resentment ultimately becoming too much for your relationship to withstand?
The dog is going to be around for at least 10 years, your kids love it, are you really going to be able to hate the dog forever?
NTA
But unfortunately, this situation is going to explode if you keep not helping with the dog. Resentment is going to build. You two need to get into therapy right now.
This is above our pay grade. You need marriage counseling.
One note: your wife didn’t adopt a dog, she bought one
Working on your marriage should be your main priority. You’re angry with your wife, and she didn’t trust you.
That being said, the dog needs training. Since your kids love the dog so much, it’s an excellent opportunity to show them how to manage a dog as well as taking responsibility.
ESH – you have bigger problems than the dog. Your marriage is in trouble. No normal person suspects their spouse of an affair without something else influencing that. Is she having an affair? Are you emotionally distant? Problems with the kids/work that is creating undo stress? Idk – but this is not normal. You both need marital counseling just because of that.
You are being petty about the dog – I get why, you feel hurt – but that doesn’t mean you aren’t also being petty. Ask yourself – do you want to be married or do you want a divorce. This is a bit independent of the dog – but if you want to stay married. Help out with the damn dog as it is a part of your household now. If you want a divorce, get one.
NTA. Anytime a large purchase, and $4,000 is definitely large, there should be consent from both parties in the marriage. When it comes to a living creature, absolutely everybody has to be on board and ready for the financial and emotional commitment of a new pet.
NTA. She should have thought it through what she was getting into with a new dog!
NTA your wife was wrong. No way should you have to care for a dog you didn’t agree to have. She can figure it out.
Can you change the way you think about it? I think it would hurt your children to take their beloved puppy away. I don’t think you want to hurt your children. So, can you take care of the dog ‘for the kids’?
If your wife will be working more, you have an opportunity here to really form a strong bond with your kids (or reinforce your current bond) and the puppy can be at the heart of it.
ESH
Ian it a marriage or not? You say your kids love the dog. Do your bit and you will have a happier homelike and get a good relationship with the dog. Yo uare making an issue of it because of a previous row.
AITA for telling you to divorce the crazy
On second thought, AITA FOR ADVISING YOU TO JUST GO HAVE AN AFFAIR AND MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE NOW??
I got you a dollar…
ESH
Its a puppy, your kids love it.
And not caring for it will cause it to suffer and make your life messier.
Your wife was the only asshole, and now if you dont step up you will be one.
We sometimes in life have to do things we dont want to do, and this is one of those times.
You will be the AH if you’ll refuse to look after an innocent animal.
ESH. If she didn’t consult you before getting the dog then it’s solely on her to take care of the dog. However, your reason for not helping_not liking the breed- just seems petty. (Unless it’s particularly hard to care for because of it’s breed, which I totally don’t understand). Either you want to help your wife or you don’t.
ESH.
Look man. Her thinking you were cheating when you weren’t sucks, but you chose to take her back. if you’re all living together it’s also your dog. It’s part of your family.
You can assign tasks to your kids, you don’t have to take on all the responsibility (and you shouldn’t) but it’s still a dog that you’re going to be living with whether you like it’s breed or not. Refusing to help raise it at all is just untenable
No one else seems to care about the $4000. All I can think is how far that could go in a college account or even an investment account. I love dogs (user name checks out) but $4000 for designer dogs is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. And I’d tell her up front if you have to step in to care for the puppy so it’s not neglected/abused you will be rehoming it.
NTA. Is the poor puppy’s name "I thought my husband was cheating on me so I got this dog I don’t want to take care of"?
NTA
She brought home a $4000 dog without even talking to you first and now expect you to do all of the hard work while she enjoys the benefits of it
Her dog, her responsibility.
NTA. Even putting the relationship issues aside, those designer breeds are rarely actually well bred, particularly if they were $4k. The chances of illnesses, genetic issues, etc are astronomical. This is obviously not all dog breeders, and obviously not all dogs. Just an increased chance of a genetic mess that looks cool but will be a nightmare to deal with longterm.
Good luck!
My answer is going to make people angry. But. From a wife’s perspective, if you rehome this puppy, I think it will be the end of your marriage. Her unilaterally getting the puppy was not a good idea. But you unilaterally getting rid of the dog is going to make you divorced. Two wrongs don’t make a right. All three of them will be crushed and it will seem as though you are giving up by not engaging with the dog with the rest of your family. Also as a dog lover, I think it’s bs that you are upset about the breed, and because it’s not a gsd, you are not engaging. It is going to come off super petty and vindictive to your wife and children. And that is going to sting for the rest of their lives. You will create a core memory for dad giving away their puppy because he was made at mom. And that’s not something you can make up for. She got this dog as a new friend, and if you take the friend away, she is going to hit the point of wondering what you are there for. She has a new "good" job. If she does everything, what does she need you for. At some point in every divorce, one party has decided it would be easier without the other person. This is a fafo situation. Your marriage is already on the rocks, and you are not helping with anything by being bitter over a puppy because it’s not the breed you wanted. It is ok for her to get the breed she wants this time. This is not about the puppy. This is about her seeing you not engaging with the family and being spiteful and throwing a temper tantrum. This is all control issues, and if you don’t work this out and find a compromise, you are going to end up divorced. Trust me, if she thought you were cheating, she has already run all the divorce scenarios thru her brain. I think you need to take a breath and think about your family. This is not the hill to die on unless it is, and then you need a divorce. It’s not about the dog. Right now, it’s about you being angry that they got a breed that I’m guessing is small and cute…Maltese? Yorkie? And not a big gsd and now it’s becoming a battle of wills and a control issue. She was not right to get it with out you. But your reaction is childish, and you are having a temper tantrum. What’s done is done. She’s checking out. You are going to lose her. You need to decide if you want to stay married or not because her new friend was brought in to replace the loss of you. If you take that away it’s going to backfire spectacularly while you sit complaining in the corner and blaming her for everything. Which is your choice. But it will cost you your family. Be wise. Be calm. Find a way to deal with your anger. Because you are in a more vulnerable position than you realize.
So is this more about her not consulting you beforehand and you refusing to help out of spite or do you not want the puppy at all?
NTA. I hope it’s not a Frenchie – that’s the only breed I can think of that would cost that much and $4k is still an INSANELY HIGH price. Hope she’s getting pet insurance because they tend to have a ton of medical issues. As the child of two veterinarians – I fucking hate Frenchies
I’ll bet ya anything it’s a doodle
NTA
She bought the Divorce Dog to spite you, not get over you.
The logic doesn’t make sense – if you had split, she still would’ve had to train and care for the dog herself. She can continue with whatever her original idea was now.
Also if she paid for it out of joint funds, she needs to put that money back on the account.
>But since she went behind my back and adopted a breed I do not care for, AITA for not wanting to help at all?
It would be one thing if you just flat out didn’t want a dog or something, but it seems like your biggest issue is that the dog breed isn’t the one you would have picked? That’s kind of a petty reason to take this stance.
This is going to be one of those situations where Reddit says NTA because you never agreed in advance to care for a dog. But realistically it’s going to damage your relationship with your wife, make lots of little things more tense around the home and lead to a worse quality of life for an innocent animal. Is “spite” really enough to justify you sticking to your guns here?
You are in the right, but you are sabotaging your own marriage. If you want to divorce, then get divorced.
I give you a soft YTA- I agree with you she should have consulted you first. However, you are punishing a dog by not showing it the love and training it needs. You should not do all the work like you did with the first dog but totally hands off approach is an AH move. Is this the example you want to show your daughters how your husband should act when they’re upset?
NTA
She didn’t adopt a dog, she paid a breeder and puppy mill which tells me everything I need to know. I adopted two puppies for free from an accidental litter and it wasn’t until they were a couple of months old that I realized I could’ve have been charged a couple of grand a piece. She thought this out, tracked down a breeder, potentially waited till it had given birth and picked out the puppy. She didn’t go to a shelter on a bad day to feel better. This was a power move.
ESH. Please put the needs of an innocent animal above your desire to be petty. Do not let the dog suffer. Or your children watch you be this spiteful. Your kids love the dog. It’s a part of your family.
Please be the bigger person for your kids and the innocent puppy.
Info: what hill are you will to let your marriage die on?
NTA It was literally her choice to get the dog
"A breed I do not care for…"
Sure. Go ahead. Be a dick. Take it out on the dog that doesn’t know why you’re annoyed at your wife and also doesn’t know it was sold to her for 4 grand.
The hell with that dog. You’re absolutely right to be so high minded about a breed you don’t care for.
Show that little bastard who’s boss by neglecting to bond, and make his life miserable.
Then you will have WON, and everyone will say Daddy was right.
While I agree that your wife was in the wrong for doing this, you need to look at the reality of the situation:
Your FAMILY now has a puppy. This is a living creature and deserves to be loved and fully integrated into your family.
Either you are going to take on responsibility, or you need to move out and file for divorce. Otherwise YTA.
And even if you don’t FEEL like the a-hole, your children will see you as one, and remember how dad hated dogs and was super mean and ignored that puppy you got. And you’ll deserve it.
How you act NOW and in this situation will impact the rest of your life.
Weird, I know a couple who are obviously unhappy and recently bought a fucking Chow from a breeder.
They aren’t any more in love than before and now they’ll have to figure out who gets the dog in the future, healthy stuff.
If you are living together, then yes, you need to have control over the dog. You can’t jut opt out of having anything to do with it because dogs brains don’t work that way. Make sure it knows you’re above it in the pecking order.
Unilateral decisions = Unilateral responsibility
"adopt the puppy". Stop saying that. No puppy was adopted. No puppy was saved from a shelter. Your wife bought a very expensive pure bred dog and she is probably winning Instagram with the pics.
Time for some marital counselling that include discussions about finances.
Oh god she got a doodle didn’t she? NTA
#1 She accused to of having and affair had no proof. #2 This caused a rift in your marriage #3 She "adopts" a dog for $4K without asking you. That is a lot of money #4 She expects you to take over for her now that she is "busy"? Many, many red flags.
Have you ever wondered if she is having an affair?
Just embrace the meme, mate
A four thousand dollar dog that’s insane.
NTA she bought a stupidly expensive dog for selfish reasons and now has to live with it. Not your puppy, not your problem.
Seems to me like there are major trust issues in your relationship.
if she can afford a $4000 puppy, she can afford doggy day care and a trainer. if your kids have bonded to the pup, have them work with the trainer and take on most puppy related tasks. Also, sounds like your marriage is still tense, might consider counseling for you both. good luck!
NTA, but OP you don’t sound like you’re happy in your marriage in general
I absolutely hate these posts. Congrats on neglecting a baby animal to enforce your rule with your asshole wife. ESH except the kids and the puppy.
I believe that your wife is about to to find out exactly what not my circus, not my monkeys is all about.
You may need therapy for you both.
NTA, BUT…..care for the dog so it choses you and becomes yours
Yes
You have a right to be upset , as this wasn’t agreed on ahead of time.
Like it or not , this puppy is now a part of your family. Show it love and kindness …for the dog’s sake and for your kids.
You have a wife issue…..I suggest counselling.
You two got issues dude
She thought you were cheating and decided to make large financial and home altering moves. Out of spite? Insecurity? Did she ever even ask or confront you about that tough time or was it all in her head? Was she writing a whole narrative, in her head, without even talking to you?
She brought another living being into the household, like it or not you do have responsibilities to that dog regardless. You are one of the adults in your household, you don’t get to duck responsibility because you weren’t fully consulted. You didn’t speak up and force the discussion and have decided (wrongly) that you don’t have to do anything. That’s not how adulthood works bud. You either handle your business or it handles you.
You need to develop proper conversational skills with your wife because your issues isn’t and AITA thing, it’s a lack of communication thing.
NTA for not wanting to be responsible, YTA for thinking you can avoid responsibility. Should’ve talked it out long ago.
This is a crazy post. Are you TA for contributing 0% to a household responsibility your wife took on?
Look, you’re correct that your wife should have consulted you. Your feelings of bitterness about her wrong assumptions are also valid and need addressing in your marriage.
Those things are true
AND
Your wife is an equal decision maker in your household. Your kids are watching the way you interact with one another. They are seeing how you hold this puppy — who they love — against her. Even if you feel justified in doing this, can’t you see that you’re contributing to an unhealthy dynamic by behaving this way? What are you teaching your kids by doing this?
ESH except the kids and the puppy
NTA
If she thought your marriage was over when she got the puppy, how did she plan to train and care for the dog if you weren’t in the picture?
Affair puppy!
YTA
It’s not the dog’s fault and to have a good and happy life it needs to be taught the rules of life.
Besides… Don’t expect obedience when needed if you are not accepted by the dog as "master" of the situation.
So you are going to punish her for her poor decision forever? What’s your long term goal?
YTA, but only if this puppy suffers out of your spite.
Your marriage sucks. Figure it out.
Is the issue that she adopted a puppy without asking or that you don’t like the breed?
For clarification, you have not adopted the dog. You bought the dog for 4k. It’s entirely different. Also that dog is a constant reminder of your wife’s accusation on you. Nta
NTA about your feeling’s on the purchase of the dog; however, this is not about the new puppy. Op you and your wife need marriage counseling.
Correction: Your post needs editing. Your wife BOUGHT a puppy, she did not adopt. She shopped and spent $4000 while innocent and adoptable dogs are killed daily in shelters. “Designer Breed” is also a mutt, FYI. ESH
My husband and I bought a cavachon from a breeder (cavalier mixed with a bichon frise) because at the time we had two elderly rabbits and both breeds were said to be docile with them.
We tried the adoption route but since we wanted a specific breed it never worked out.
I love that little butthead and we didn’t spend an astronomical amount of money on him either.
Probably won’t get a designer breed again though, I love my dog so much but I’m morally conflicted about breeders in general now.
NTA getting a pet is a two yes decision always.
NTA. But good luck with the wife, you’re gonna need it.
Meant to add I have no issue with reputable breeders at all. They know what they are doing.
ESH. Your wife was wrong for getting a puppy without consulting you and I definitely understand why you feel the way you do. You would be justified in asking your wife to rehome the puppy, or for seeing this as a dealbreaker in your marriage. But if you don’t like those options, you’re going to have to accept that the dog is part of your life now, and you can’t just ignore it. It’s not fair to the dog, and it’s not really feasible long-term.
You’d also be doing a disservice to yourself and the kids, because a neglected or poorly trained dog is not going to be easy to live with.
NTA. This is clearly a bigger problem than a puppy. Both of you need counseling. Please don’t take this out on the dog.
Nta.
It’s the one reason we haven’t got a new dog. Other half did all the promises of how he would walk it every day, poo pick every day, train it and so on. Guess who did all that….. not him
So when he mentions getting a new dog it’s a hard no from me and if he brought one home with him I wouldn’t be being the bigger person either as then his actions still had zero consequences he got what he wanted and still didn’t look after it.
Agree this is a symptom of the bigger problems in the marriage however.
So here’s the thing: You are NTA for being upset with your wife for doing this without asking you. But I think you need to ask yourself: what is your plan here?
Your children love the dog. Your plan cannot be for your family to own the dog for the next 15 years and for you to do nothing, so that every day you remind your wife that you’re mad at her. That’s untenable. So are you trying to force your wife to get rid of the dog … that your kids love?
I absolutely agree that your wife should not have done this; she made a mistake. I don’t know why she thought the marriage was ending. People make errors when they are upset, and getting a pet is one of the most regrettable, because it involves a living thing that is now dependent on you.
Let’s posit that she made a mistake. Would it help if she apologized? (Has she?) If there’s absolutely nothing that she can do to convince you that this can be your family dog, then your choices are (1) get a divorce or (2) force her to get rid of the dog, which unfortunately will be hard on your kids and will not help your marriage.
As I said, I don’t think “we’ll keep the dog and I just won’t participate for the next however many years” is a thing that can work. So if it’s really get rid of the dog or get a divorce, I think you should tell her that. You’re not wrong to be mad, at all. But I’m not sure the solution you have chosen is one of the choices that stands any chance of working out well. You obviously need therapy together about money and decision-making at the very least, and she has put you in a very tough spot.
But again: What is your plan? What do you actually want her to do, and what do you think that will solve?
NTA – so your wife thinks you cheated, buts a hugely expensive dog and expects you to care for it? Your wife doesn’t like you. Why did you let it slide that she accused you and got a dog instead of DEALING WITH ANYTHING? You can’t keep letting this slide. She basically called you a deceitful liar and bad husband and got a dog. This is nuts. Does she have mental health issues? Drug use? Was she raised spoilt and entitled? Was she always like this? This marriage sounds it’s on very shaky ground. The question is will any of the adults deal in the house deal with it?
ESH
NTA. A pet is two yeses or it’s a no. She and the girls want it? It’s their dog and their responsibility. You’ve drawn your line in the sand, stick to it.
Yes YTA. It’s a family dog and you still seem to be part of the family. Time to step up and do your part unless you really do want to be divorced. The woman is already convinced you cheated and now you’re being petty about the new family dog? These are not the actions of a loving father and husband.
Treat people the way they treat animals…
NTA but it sounds like your marriage is still in a rough patch/on the path to destruction with how this is all going. What is her response to your refusal?
It’s worth considering if being stubborn on this is worth your marriage. Is this behavior a one-off, or part of a pattern? Has she apologized for the decision or expressed understanding about your position on this? Offered any compromises?
I don’t know that I would be excited to stay married to someone who doesn’t trust me, rashly makes life-changing decisions that involve huge commitments and impact our kids based on their current emotional state, and then tries to push the responsibility for those decisions off onto me. If she understands how problematic this all was, apologized sincerely, and is open to discussions of what to do about it (rehoming the dog, assigning your daughters chores if they’re old enough, sending it to doggy daycare), then sure. But if her response to this situation is “the past is in the past, get over it and accept responsibility for my actions,” I would get a marriage counselor to see if this is salvageable/start planning for the divorce.