8+ months. I’m a 5 year widow 62, he’s 8 years divorced 61. We speak daily, see each other several times a week, say ILY, but once in a great while he goes silent for a day or two. I spoke to him about it and told him I hated to seem so needy but to suddenly go radio silent for a weekend seems a bit odd to me. We spoke about it when it happened. He had no real reason for it just said that he was busy getting things done. (I’m retired, he’s not so I get it) It’s happened only four times. We act respectfully towards our communication with each other and after it happened I expressed my feelings that I only need a simple checkin from him on those occasions. Just let me know I’m in your thoughts at least briefly for some moment that day. He agreed and apologized. And then it happened again a couple months later. We had another conversation about it and he apologized again. Now it’s happened again. How do I deal with this? We haven’t had any disagreements with each other yet. And we both are thrilled with how we are progressing together and always working on our communication skills but.. This. This is just pissing me off and I don’t want to be pissed off. I forget how to act like a pissed off grown up! How do people respectfully be mad at someone these days? Sigh. This is my first relationship I’ve had since my husband died 5 years ago. We were married for 30 years. I want to feel like I’ve developed better communication skills but I guess I’m just feeling disrespected and angry and I want to deal with it more maturely.
Any advice?
Edit… since some of these responses are a bit harsh.. here’s some history on myself that he’s aware of;
When I was married to my husband I was away on vacation with my sister and mother and my husband was away snowboarding with friends. He didn’t call me at the end of the day like he usually would do while we were apart. And stubborn me was eagerly waiting for his call but I chose not to call him. Apparently he had fallen asleep early. The next morning he went out snowboarding with his friends, hit a tree, and died instantly. And I didn’t just call him. I didn’t just fucking call him. So yeah, I guess I do have some anxiety about it. But I was open about this to my BF and he understood.
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Is he not responding when you contact him? Or is he not initiating contact?
If he’s not initiating, that seems less objectionable than if you call or text and he doesn’t respond.
I am 10 years younger than you, and I am not in the habit of regular texts and calls with anyone. Could be that he’s just not in the habit.
In all honesty, if I was seeing someone multiple times a week and they still wanted to control how much I texted, they would not be the person for me. I’d find it quite smothering. Sometimes I just don’t want to be on my devices, digital detox is necessary for a lot of people.
Your needs aren’t wrong, but neither are his. Perhaps this is a fundamental incompatibility. A day or two is very little time in my book.
I am sorry for your loss and I understand that navigating this new territory must be difficult.
You’re retired, do you have hobbies? Friends? Volunteering? If you’re making this guy the centre of your universe it’s a good sign that other areas of your life could use some attention.
Ugh, people can be complex and he very well may mean no harm. The bottom line is, it’s happened more than once and you’ve told him more than once that it bothers you. Again, in his mind he probably thinks it’s harmless, but it has never been easier to tell someone “Hi. I’m taking some me time for the next two days.”
Ultimately, his “radio silence” is a sign of disrespect and an even bigger sign that you may not be as compatible as you’d like. It would be one thing if you hadn’t told him it bothers you, but you have and he agreed to work on it. Yet, here we are. And I’m sorry, but unless he had a job that permits him from being off his phone (how many jobs are like that), not saying anything for even a full day IS weird.
>He had no real reason for it just said that he was busy getting things done. (I’m retired, he’s not so I get it)
It doesn’t sound like you “get it,” because you’re still making it an issue.
>How do I deal with this?
By finding a therapist to help you unravel why it bothers you when someone is busy and you don’t get a text for 24 hrs.
OP ignore these ignorant women who are saying you are expecting too much. There are 24 hours in a day and you wanting a daily check in is literally the bare minimum that someone dating you for 8 months should give. It takes less than 5 minutes to send a text and he can’t even give you that? I would exit this relationship or at least start looking elsewhere if you arent exclusive. There are so many people put there who will give you the time of day. People make time for the things they prioritize, and if this man is going radio silent with no warning and no reason then you are not unreasonable to be bothered by that.
If you don’t live together and you talk almost every day already, him taking a day to himself 3 times in 8 months is perfectly reasonable. I think it’s asking too much to expect someone to tell you you’re in their thoughts every single day. If you don’t give him a little space sometimes, you’re going to find yourself single again. You’re being unreasonable and might need to talk to a professional to address the anxiety you have around this situation.
I think it’s OK that it’s important for you to have daily contact with a person you’re saying “I love you” to. I’m 34 though and grew up with the internet/cell phones in teen years so perhaps a different context.
I also think it’s OK that he goes radio silent for a weekend sometimes. It seems that he’s just disconnected from his phone entirely, not that he’s actively seeing you messaging him and ignoring you. Unless you find evidence to suggest otherwise, I would try to let this go and see if it’s something that is a dealbreaker for you or not.
If I saw someone several times a week and texted most days and they still got upset it wasn’t every single day I would probably feel they were controlling or anxiously attached.
Are you afraid if he doesn’t check in every day it’s because he’s up to something? Occasionally I don’t want to talk to anyone for a day or two, I get burnt out from work and social engagements. Some folks need a little space to breathe, it’s not personal.
If I was dating someone (I’m married now), I’d want to talk every day. Even just for a bit. Is that too much for some people? Yeah, probably. That’s not the one for me then.
Even when my husband and I were dating long distance, we spoke every single day. Even if he had a long day at work and the only time we had to talk was a bit on Skype before he went to bed, we would. We did a LDR for a year and a half, and I don’t think we had one day where we didn’t at least check in with each other.
You’ve been together 8 months, minimum, and a month averages 30 days. So you’ve been together 240 days minimum.
Depending on if you count a weekend as Friday thru Sunday or just Saturday and Sunday, he didn’t talk to you for 8-12 days out of, at minimum, 240 days.
Did I get that correct?
If you don’t feel comfortable asking for simple daily check in or communication I think the relationship is probably not good enough to continue.
Sounds like this dude wants to text almost every day, but is okay with missing a day or two every few months. Maybe he gets caught up in other things. Maybe he has ADHD. Maybe he just likes having an entire day to himself. I love my partner but I also love it when he’s out of town and I can go an entire day with just myself.
Is the gulf between “almost every day” and “every single day” really so big that it’s worth getting angry about? It’s reasonable to tell him you want him to text every day, but it’s also reasonable to let it go when he’s not 100% perfect.
If he’s gone silent for a weekend four times in eight months, he has a 97% success rate. That’s pretty good.
Reading your edit, while I very much understand where you’re coming from, it does sound like you’d benefit from therapy if that’s not something you’ve previously pursued. It sounds to me like you’re not healing your anxiety and are asking this man to be the bandage.
So here’s the thing. You can’t make another human being do something they’re not inclined to do.
You can ask for what you want. In a relationship, I think you should. But you can’t make him do it.
You did a good job of communicating with him. Twice. He said he’d try. Twice. It actually doesn’t really matter why he can’t seem to do it. Bottom line is, he apparently can’t. You asked, but he can’t.
Can you accept this? Or is this a deal breaker for you? Can you adjust your expectations? Is this a surface level indicator of something wrong on a deeper level?
There are no right or wrong answers here. Only what you’re willing to accept when a compromise (or compliance) isn’t available.
What won’t work is continuing to expect something he’s shown he can’t give you. In the absence of change on his end, something needs to change on your end, whether it’s accepting his behavior or rejecting the relationship because it’s that important to you.
I’ll second therapy for you, if you decide the relationship is worth fighting for but are having trouble getting to acceptance.
It would be for me. My partner and I have been together for over three years and we still text most-but-not-every-day when we’re not together.
I’m sorry you lost your husband, and for the way it happened, but if you’re anxious about communicating every day and this man can’t or won’t do it that just means you’re not compatible. That’s true even if the reason for your anxiety makes sense.
My husband has a dangerous job, if he hasn’t sent a ‘hey hope your day was good and the kids all good’ text by 8pm at night I call him… 99% of the time he’s stuck at work or packing up trying to get out of there and not really watching the clock.
I don’t know why people on here are acting like it’s no big deal for a 62 year old man to drop off the planet UNEXPECTEDLY for over 24 hours… and after saying ‘sorry I won’t do that anymore’… and then keep doing it.
Just spell out the next steps, you don’t have to make your anxiety his problem… but a ‘how do you feel about me calling at X time if I haven’t heard from you all day? that way I can get a good night sleep’… if he says ‘absolutely not, I’m avoiding you on purpose for me time’ then you can say ‘can you let me know before the me-time starts? Then I know what’s going on and can leave you alone’… then when he says ‘no I’m ignoring you on purpose, and it’s only fun if I think you’re worried’… you can get on with your life and work out if your cool with that or not.
Hey OP, I read your edit and I’m so sorry about what happened to you in the past with your husband. That is truly tragic and I understand why you’d feel better hearing from your partner more consistently.
I’m with you; I love a daily check-in from my partner. I know it’s not for everyone, and some people just aren’t phone people, or find it suffocating; and that’s okay. They’re allowed to, and they’re not my partner anyway so 🤷♀️ haha.
I knew my guy was for me because we easily slipped into a daily texting routine just to be in touch and have some positive messages to look forward to during the day. We’re not big phone people to begin with, but we make it a priority to message each other because it’s comforting for us both to hear from one another.
Frankly, I think your ask is a small and reasonable one. If I had a partner who wanted me to send them a text after a whole day of 0 communication, I would just do it. I would set a silly little alarm on my phone or make it part of my daily routine. I’d hope that someone who cares for me would do the same.
Can you compromise with him? Can you text him first if you haven’t heard from him by a certain time and expect a response back, even if it’s not right away, but at least the same day?
I think at worst, this is a tiny sign of incompatibility. I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag or to throw him in the trash or anything. I think meeting each other halfway would hopefully smooth things out between you two. Best of luck with this. Hopefully I’ve understood your feelings correctly about this!
Comments here are interesting. Everyone’s allowed to communicate however they want, but I don’t think hearing from your partner daily is a big ask. I certainly would want to hear from mine every day, and that’s been a standard in every relationship I’ve had, even with some very avoidant men. I think if a partner needs space they should be able to communicate that without just going silent, idk