Back in december a man followed me from work onto a bus, all the way to my bus stop. It was the most traumatic experience of my life and indont say that lightly. It deeply affected me. Because I Was paralyzed with fear I didn’t get a good look at his face. I just kept staring ahead trying not look at him while he kept sliding his hand across the seat towards me.
Today 4 months later, today I saw a man who looked like him, staring at me while he walked pass my store. When I looked up he smiled at me not in a creepy way but i freaked out. I’m about 50% sure it’s not the same guy and this guy looked cleaned up, while the guy from the bus had sunken eyes (from my brief look at him.)
I think I’m paranoid. I don’t know what to do. I hate this. I hate this so much. I’m not attractive and so I’m not approached my men, so I don’t know what any of this means. I feel so alone.
I cannot continue to breakdown every time I see someone who looks like him, looking at me for too long.
Please share your experience so I don’t feel so alone.
Comments
I’m so sorry this happened to you! It may help to keep some mace in ypur purse. Mace will enable you to protect yourself but I think therapy would be really helpful here. A therapist will help you work through and process what happened. You aren’t alone in this at all. I’ve been there and I know how scary it is, and how much hypervigilance can take it out of you. 🫂
I’m sorry you went through this…
The last time I had someone follow me, I was a teenager.Â
But I’d recommend finding ways to protect yourself…work on your cardio/running- stamina, endurance, speed (so you can run if need be), carry pepper spray, learn self-defense (a class if you can afford it or I’m sure YouTube has some tutorials). Â
Get a security system.Â
Therapy would also be good since you are continuing to break down when you see someone who looks slightly like him.Â
I’m so sorry. I studied martial arts for a long time. I would suggest a self-defense class at the minimum and mace on a keychain. Please make sure to actually spray it somewhere so that you understand how it works and are more likely to use it. Same with any weapons…useless unless you practice. Practicing martial arts in any form gives you a better understanding of your body, and fighting and grappling practice teach you to think under duress and how it feels so you are less likely to freeze. Also, trust your gut, always.
Start carrying a tactical flashlight with a stunner, pepper spray and a very loud personal alarm. If you feel like someone is following you and you are on public transport, inform the driver and other passengers. Don’t get off at your stop, if you do cross the street and go into a business. Tell them what’s going on and wait there, or leave through a back exit. Try to get a picture of the person so you have reference going forward. If you do carry self defense items, don’t keep them inside your bag, but outside by the strap so they are easily accessible. Do not be afraid to make noise. Please stay safe.
See a therapist – maybe EDMR therapy – and grounding practices. Remind yourself that you are safe now. Sorry can’t write more.
Start taking self defense classes! Honestly it’s great exercise and will make you feel more empowered.
Take self defense classes and learn how to whoop some ass, it’s helped me tremendously.
So sorry this is happening to you, it’s creepy and unfair. You deserve to feel secure in your own life, space and in this world just the same as anyone. Men shouldn’t get to take that away from us.
I get how angry and scared you must feel, too. While I’m fortunate to never have been outright stalked (at least not to my knowledge) I have been aggressively and persistently harassed by former employers for months, one of whom was a man who was known to be lecherous & abusive to other women. His intense, pushy, pressuring and predatory behaviour really freaked me out, and because I reported his workplace abuses to authorities, I worried and stressed for a year after I quit, left and moved away that he’d somehow stalk me or find a way to hurt me in retribution–it’s been five years so I hope I’m in the clear. Fortunately I was in a small rural community then, and everyone in town also hated and distrusted this guy, so he left the area before I did, probably got run out.
I’ve had customers at other jobs cross boundaries with me too, such as trying to get into my personal life by coming to my workspace, asking my colleagues questions about me or sending unsolicited and unwanted correspondence. It makes me determined to become self-employed or work from home (I have a theory that one reason people oppose WFH is because it’s harder to harass female workers) Though I have major driving anxiety, I think I need eventually to overcome it and get a license & car or bike, because public transport sometimes feels less safe.
And once years ago when I was a schoolgirl riding the public bus, another passenger who was an older local man started smelling and touching the ends of my hair–then long–in the seat behind without my knowledge. Thankfully, a friend and classmate on my ride caught it after a few minutes and loudly told him to step off, so the driver & other passengers heard. Even though I luckily got defended and no-one shamed me, still I felt really dirty and violated afterward, especially as I’m a touch-averse autistic, and hadn’t even had my first kiss at that point. It makes me feel sad to think about it.
Young girls & women especially are such targets for pervs and psychos. Happy those days are over for me, though I’m not complacent and realise like you have that sadly age doesn’t always protect us or end the cycle. Imo we should be allowed and equipped and empowered to defend ourselves or other women with more force if needs be, without laws coming down on us.
Pretending to talk on the phone with someone could help, especially if you make it sound like you’re being expected.
Tbh I get really wary when a man is too close to me for too long or we’re heading in the same direction too. From my own experiences and caution as a woman. Sometimes talking on the phone legitimately with a friend helps too. Your friend will put you at ease, and you can also share your location with them. Besides that, there’s really neat self-defense tools you can purchase
I’m so sorry. I wasn’t traditionally attractive as a young woman, but I was followed by my share of creeps walking to and from work.
I’m sorry this is the world we live in. I’m sorry you have to be on red alert just living. Please know that it’s not your fault in any way, shape or form. If you can afford it, please talk to someone about it.
Here are some things that helped me.
I was followed on more than one occasion either in broad daylight or at a busy enough time of night that there were tons of people about. My first mistake was to imagine that any one of them would do anything but look embarrassed and avert their eyes. So here are my tips for you.
Get a big umbrella with a pointy tip and carry it with you. If anyone questions you, you heard it might rain. One time a guy catcalled me, noticed my umbrella, made a joke that I looked ready to stab someone with it, and I just stared at him. He gave up and slunk away. I felt like a million bucks.
Wear whatever the fuck you want. Wear what makes you feel powerful and move with confidence. Only, wear shoes you can run in. They will harass you in makeup or without, in sweats or in a sparkly dress, so you might as well look and feel fabulous. Who gives a shit.
Stick to main streets with lights and lots of people. They won’t save you from the creepers, but they lose a tiny bit of their power in big groups. Plus you have human shield if you need.
As soon as you can, duck into a public place. If you can, try for a place that has multiple doors. If you can, try to blend with the crowd and sneak out an unexpected door. One time a restaurant let me sneak out the back when the creeper who’d been following me for many blocks calling me a whore and talking about my genitals decided to patiently wait outside the restaurant I escaped into (???). Hotel lobbies are also good because there is usually someone there and if you explain what’s going on, they may call the cops for you or let you wait until someone can meet you and take you home.
Once you notice someone following you, don’t go home or to work. It is tempting to run home and slam the door but you don’t want a creeper knowing where you live or work.
Always trust your gut. If something feels off, go with it. You’re not crazy and it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone’s feelings who is causing you to feel unsafe.
Be a raging motherfucking bitch. Yell “HEY, STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME.” Yell “HEY, I DON’T LIKE YOU STARING AT ME.” People on the street might act like you’re embarrassing, or like you’re the problem..fuck them.
I’m not trying to put this on your shoulders, this is not fair and it’s not supposed to be your burden, but these are some things that have worked for me.
I was followed by a homeless man for several blocks, and lost him by going into a Target campus store and going out the back exit. Another time someone followed me in a car, so we drove downtown, and lost him in the crowd. We went out to eat somewhere while we waited for him to get bored before heading home, and checking the vehicle for tracking devices.
Unfortunately this isn’t unusual.
I wasn’t traumatized by my first experience because it was very easy to lose him, but the second one creeped me out because he followed my car. However, he had an accent that didn’t belong and we were fairly sure he was only in the state on vacation and would leave soon.
I got pepper spray after the second experience, just in case.
I have been followed and it fucking sucks, I’m so sorry you experienced that OP.
But it did not haunt me like this. I really recommend some sessions with a therapist to talk through the event and the sort of PTSD you are experiencing. There’s no shame in getting support to help you heal.
I’ve been followed a few times and it’s incredibly scary. Get somewhere public as soon as possible, as another commenter said, go into a business and let someone know what’s going on. If there is a police station or fire station nearby, walk right into it and express your concern (I have done this and the person was too focused on following me to realize they were following me into a police station and let’s just say, the rest was handled pretty quick) always be aware of your surroundings and memorize alternative routes homes that you alternate between to throw anyone off that may be following you on different days. It’s scary out there, stay safe.
A few years ago I was followed to my car at the grocery store parking lot. The security came on his little scooter as the guy was approaching me and his friend had pulled around with a van. I’m not even joking. It was terrifying. Now, if I shop late, I carry mace, a knife, and have a rape whistle on my keychain.
Lots of practical advice here re: staying safe physically but want to strongly reiterate some of the comments in here urging you to take some time to process what happened to you emotionally with the help of a therapist. Trauma stays in the body and it’s so important to have a safe environment to reset your nervous system otherwise your body may go haywire in other ways.