30F. My LTR boyfriend and I have been together 4 years. Living together for almost 1. This is about the 2nd time this has happened, but I felt this past week he’s been different. Emotionally distant too. I do have OCD so I thought maybe I was just overthinking these thoughts or maybe projecting. So I decided not to ask or assume something was wrong.
He’s left now for a few weeks to visit family (different country) and in the car on the way to the airport I really felt like the energy was off. It felt like he was looking through me. But decided I didn’t want to open a can of worms (if there is one) right before he got on the plane.
Fast forward, I kindly asked him via text if something is bothering him and I’m sorry if I read him wrong. And he said absolutely something is wrong. He basically said that he didn’t like how upset I got the other day and needed some alone time in my room. I got home from a rough meeting and was crying and said that I just needed alone time and basically spent the rest of the evening alone. He said he felt bad there was nothing he could do to help.
2nd he said that on the days where i work longer shifts he doesn’t know what mood I’ll be in when I get home. I try to conceal it, but I guess I don’t do a good job. It’s no secret I hate my job. I can admit yeah, some days I get home and I’m more on the quiet side or irritated, or need some alone time. I don’t take it out on him at all, hence the alone time. I don’t like he views me as unpredictable on those days.
3rd he said my low self esteem makes him really sad. He thought that living together would help because he wants me to learn to love myself as much as he loves me. He said he was naive to think he could help because according to him I’ve gotten worse.
He said he was so upset about all this when travelling and told his family what was going on and talking about it with them helped, but he was crying a lot about it. I listened and agreed with what he was saying, while also stating that I need alone time to cope with big feelings sometimes. It’s how I regulate. I’ve also been transitioning on a new medication for my OCD this past week and it’s heightened my emotions.
I asked him if all this is something we can work through or if we should revaluate the relationship. He said he for sure doesn’t want to break up and wants to help me work through my stuff in whatever way he can. I told him it’s not up to him to fix me – I’m already in therapy and trying new medication and I said maybe it doesn’t look it, but I am trying my best.
We worked it out through text, but today when we FaceTimed he felt so distant and off again. We agreed to continue chatting about everything when he’s back, but then why so distant still? What? It almost felt like I was annoying him.
I hate how I have to pry all this out of him. I feel awful that I’ve made him feel bad when I’m genuinely not trying to. I guess it’s different living together and he sees how I deal with my mental health. He doesn’t have chronic anxiety, ocd, depression, and he doesn’t have self esteem issues. I hate now having to guess how he feels while he’s away for the next few weeks. Sure I could bring it up again, but I thought we bridged that gap the other day.
I want to mention we don’t yell at each other, we rarely fight too. When we’re having conflict I’m usually the one to initiate fixing it, but we are both understanding and listen to each other and always talk through it. I don’t view this relationship as toxic at all.
I’m seriously doing everything I can to better my mental health, and believe it or not I am way more regulated than I was several years ago. I feel like a failure. I don’t want to burden him with my mental health, even though I really do try and keep it to myself and work on it in therapy.
I don’t want to end the relationship, and I love the foundation we have. But can we come back from this?
Comments
Look. No one is perfect. You aren’t and neither is he. He’s processing his valid emotions imperfectly. Let him. Just like he needs to let you.
What matters is your being open and communicative and you both care.
But also what else are you doing to get out of this negative loop you’re in? Are you job hunting? I know you’re in therapy which is great but sometimes it takes more than that.
Honestly you owe it to yourself to be happy. Stop overthinking your boyfriend and start thinking what makes you happy? Spend the next couple weeks doing things for yourself. I’m sure if he heard you went on a hot girl mental health walk to a bookstore and got a funny read and some flowers for yourself, he’d be ecstatic AND you’d have had a great day.
What makes you happy? Focus.
Best of luck.
And in the meantime, try a meditation or ecstatic dance session to re-center yourself.
You do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and frankly, having some time alone when stressed, AND time alone to decompress from work, is extremely normal. It may be especially rough due to your job, but I imagine if it were feasible to get a new one you already would have. What’s not okay is your bf being upset at you for having feelings, and dealing with them appropriately. It sounds like he got so attached to the idea of magically fixing you, that he’s just being a shitty bf by being upset at you for doing needed self care, angry at you for failing to fit his narrative of someone he heals by just existing. There are people who will care more about their self image as a rescuer or a hero than about the living person they claim to care about, and will actively make that person struggle more. Partners who are actually supportive don’t make you afraid to feel your feelings, especially when you’re not taking it out on them, and work hard to process and take responsibility for, which sounds like what you’re doing.
It’s SO much harder to heal emotionally when people around you are unwelcoming towards the feelings you need to feel to heal.
Also, if a partner is very upset at you for something, the healthy thing is to communicate it, which he did not do. Instead you had to drag it out of him. People who hide things that are major potential dealbreakers in a relationship, and are too afraid to discuss necessary things, cause conflict through avoiding it. That isn’t healthy and leads to unnecessary stress and instability, rather than approaching issues as a team.
He’s being distant, and frankly even being courted by a man like that will make even a very stable women feel anxious, nevermind as a live in boyfriend. It must be so hard to decompress from work if you’re afraid that processing your feelings, as you must for your emotional health, may get a difficult response from your bf. You are open about your feelings and needs, like if you need to be alone to cry after work, whereas he is not straightforward about communicating his feelings.
I think one of the hardest things to accept as partners loving people with mental health struggles is that we can’t love their struggles and pain away. I can’t love my partner’s depression away. My partner can’t love me out of my anxiety and depression.
Since you’re already in therapy, I’d consider couples’ therapy / counseling. Just like great therapy can be a support for you, counseling can be a support for you two individually and for your relationship. I know it’s extra work and may not be feasible right now because excavation can be exhausting. Since your partner doesn’t live with similar struggles, this might also help him gain more insight and empathy. He might learn to communicate his frustrations in a way that’s helpful to both of you.
It’s helpful to have someone outside of your relationship facilitate dialogue; offer tools, language, and strategies; be a thought partner; and offer accountability. My partner and I do this, and it’s been useful in times when things were easy and times when they weren’t. We learned how to trace through tense moments and recognize patterns. Sometimes it’s heavily relationship focused, but other times it’s more about how one person’s experiences or day-to-day are impacting them individually, but us together. Overall, it helped us understand each other and our relationship.
We of course don’t know what is going on. But. Some thoughts.
Well, it is interesting that he is annoyed at you for needing space to regulate. But he also doesn’t communicate unless you ask him specific questions. Maybe it is the distance he feels you’re putting between you two, that stops him? Maybe he isn’t as good a communicator as he believes he is.
Maybe you should look for another job. It sucks to be with someone who comes home in a bad mood regularly. Meeting after work should be a positive, every day, most days. Not one wondering which mood the other will be in, and looking forward to spend time together, only for the other person to hide in a room for the rest of the day. I can definetely see how that doesn’t work for him. (and I’m a person who needs space too)
It’s good that you’re not taking your moods out on him. Needing space isn’t a bad thing. Lots of people need space, even if they’re not in a bad mood. They simply need alone time. But that doesn’t work for all people – some feel unloved and rejected when their partner need time away from them. It sounds like time apart is something you two need to discuss more closely. When do you need time alone? When does he prefer you take alone time? How does it make him feel? How much time apart is he okay with? Ideally, you take time alone when he is busy doing other things. Like when he’s going to the gym. And not every day at dinner time when he was hoping to eat dinner together (as an example. You get the point). This is something you two need to find a compromise on. As things are, it isn’t working for him. But you also require time alone. You need to figure out which times and quantities that could work for both of you. And for you to need less time alone. For hours every day after work isn’t great long term.
I don’t know if you two can work things out. But by the sounds of things, these shouldn’t be impossible things to solve. And they will be an issue in any healthy relationship. So you will need to work on things anyways.
You are right, though. You need to fix you, he can only support you. I will also say it’s good you’re not venting all your negative emotions to him all the time. There is a balance between sharing your thoughts, and venting too much to other people and by doing so harming their mental health. I see people sometimes start venting, getting used to venting too much, and just exhausting everyone around them with constant negativity. That doesn’t mean you can’t share about a bad day, but if you’re having bad days often or even every day, it’s time to work on not having bad days every day.
It sounds like you’re working really hard towards being a good partner and healthy human. You’re well on your way! It will always be work, but hopefully easier in time. Whether you are with this guy or not.
You’re allowed to want some alone time and time to decompress. Is it that he feels like you shut him out and won’t talk to him about what’s bothering you? If you don’t talk to him for the rest of the night after a rough day at work I can see why that might bother him. He should have sat you down and talked to you about it so both of you can figure out something that works together. You should not feel like you have to keep things to yourself because you worry about burdening him. I’m not saying use him as your therapist but you should be able to talk to him for support after a really bad day.
Some things that could potentially help
– Find another job. Having a terrible job that makes you miserable is going to really affect your overall mood and mental health.
– Take some time to decompress alone but don’t shut him out and not talk to him for the whole night. Tell him you just need an hour to get in a better headspace.
– It’s hard to improve your overall self esteem but keep working on it. I feel like the older I get the better my confidence and overall self esteem is. I used to talk negatively about myself sometimes when I was younger and I no longer do that. I see how my nephew and nice sometimes struggle with their self confidence and will put themselves down (they’re both pre-teens) and I do everything I can to be supportive and point out positive things about them. I deserve the same grace for myself. And so do you.
Maybe you guys could benefit from couples therapy as well if he’s open to that. If I were in your shoes I’d say that you want to have a sit down talk when he gets back so you guys can discuss how you can move forward with a better relationship.
This sounds, in many ways, like me and my husband. If you’re newly living together, him accepting that he can’t always “fix” you might be something that’s needed, but at the same time I don’t believe you should keep your mental health private either, even though I understand the fear of burdening him. For us, when I’m stressed, I tend to look to him for comfort and get frustrated when he doesn’t support me in the way I need. I had to learn how to communicate that, something that involved better understanding my own needs.
We also go through periods of disconnection. Usually, we try to accept them while trying to reconnect any chance we get, and if we can’t, we talk through them. Sometimes the blockage comes from him being preoccupied with something else; other times, it comes from me. I usually break through it by having a good cry in his arms.
We’re both religious and hold marriage as sacred, so these difficulties never made us consider divorce. In a more secular context, I suppose it depends on each person’s threshold for struggles in a relationship. In my experience, what you’re describing is just a normal part of being in a relationship; two flawed people trying to grow together while giving each other grace.
Like your boyfriend, I am also someone who is deeply affected by the mood of my partner. When my husband is having a rough time, it completely shifts my day as well, even if he is just quiet and withdrawn. The tension I feel from him during these times is shapes my own, too. So I empathize with him here. But I think this is a totally workable problem. You guys need to discuss how you might need to process emotions differently than he does. And if you communicate to him during your rough times that you are not upset with him and that he can help you by doing x, y, and z, that would also probably be good because he can feel useful. Seeing my husband doing something to actively help himself also is helpful for me—like exercise is usually a stress reliever for him, so we know now when he gets overwhelmed that I can take the kids and give him an hour to workout and usually he’s a little better afterwards.
I second all this. And I don’t know much farther about the OP’s relationship or partner than what’s posted, but I broke up with my ex because everything was about HIM and HIS feelings.
I was always afraid of expressing anything or not being 100% because he would punish me for it (pout, cold, distant, silent treatment).
It was confusing because he would help or act like he cared… sometimes. But I realized it was performative and on his terms.
Example: He helped me the first few days after surgery and was beyond the perfect boyfriend. Helping me with medicine, get out of bed, and bringing me food.
Not even three weeks later, he is sitting me down saying we should break up because we’re not sexually compatible because he tried to start something two nights in a row and I rejected him.
It was an up to 6 week recovery for my surgery. And it was for endometriosis, so reproductive areas were OUT of commission and I could have been really hurt even, if too early.
It wasn’t even really a conversation, it was going from 0 to 60, because he decided HE wanted something and I did not deliver it to him. So the whole relationship needs to be rethought.
So my advice: Start writing down things that seem “off” or like he is not showing normal empathy to you.
If my partner showed me empathy and truly cared for my well-being, he wouldn’t even have tried to get intimate without asking, letting alone pressuring me, let alone then doing it the second night, and then telling me we should break up because I physically can’t have sex with him in the moment.
That’s not caring. And I wish I broke up with him then. But dated for another 6 months and the lack of empathy for me as a human just got worse and worse. And the expectation that I should exist to completely revolve around him got bigger. Despite him doing “nice” things for me sometimes.
My therapist told me that it is a statistic for male partners to leave their wife if she is diagnosed with cancer or a long-term illness. She said she sees it all the time in her practice. Do you want to date that partner? Or find someone who will stand by you if that happened?
She also says the happiest demographic are unmarried women and the happiest demographic for men are married. So she says to choose carefully so you do not end up in that one-sided statistic.
I’m not saying break up with him. But just do a lot of thinking, observing, and writing things down.
If your job impacts you so much that it’s starting to cause distance with your partner, you need a new job.
It won’t completely fix your mental health but I was child who had a parent come home in a difficult mood everyday due to work stress and it really hurt me and made me feel neglected. Day in and day out of that wears on people. Get rid of the job and find something else.
I’d also advise to give him space so you both can have time to let things settle. Constantly bringing up a problem before having a rest is exhausting. It’s like re-stabbing a wound. You’ll push him away more if you keep pestering.
> he said that on the days where i work longer shifts he doesn’t know what mood I’ll be in when I get home. I try to conceal it, but I guess I don’t do a good job. It’s no secret I hate my job.
As a rule, you shouldn’t do that. It’a worth you finding a routine where you can unwind either at home or on your way home.
You should process your feelings and let your brain process and store away the day’s experiences. Most people do that by going for a walk, sitting in silence, going for a short run or taking a full shower. You want to give your brain and body space to live through the day and store it away.
This way you can be ready for the rest of your evening (alone or not), while respecting and caring for yourself.
He seems manipulative and if he is going to give you the silent treatment whenever you’re going through stuff, then he’s not supporting you. Instead he is intentionally making you feel worse because he is more concerned about himself rather than helping you.
This is such a deeply complex and multifaceted issue.
I have trouble seeing fault from either person. The bad job one really stuck out to me, because in your telling you’re essentially saying the evening after work can be a normal couple’s evening or a evening where you have alone time and he essentially gets forced into be alone too.
…and that over the long term can have side effects. Unpredictability alone really sets him to just, always play defence.
So you have this person you love who has these challenges and the way the solve them is to sequester themselves away to heal. This is perfectly valid. But… as a partner… imagine just… sitting alone in the quiet day after day?
I don’t know the answer but, it’s… tough.
I think often forget we can do totally appropriate and accept and even healthy things and they will alienate people. Some of that is going on.
The esteem part is tough. I used to date someone with very low self esteem. It’s… frankly… very hard to be with someone who tears themselves down constantly. And you’re left in the place where… like it starts to affect your point of view? Your temperament even. Like you want to be there and help but if nothing actionable happens over time… you could be looking at two people fighting depression or burnout. It’s not simple.
Being with someone who is sick is hard. Being sick is hard as well.
There are no easy answers here… OP is trying her hardest too. That’s what makes this really complex.
I don’t know. I think that taking some time in solitude to self regulate is healthy. What are the alternatives?
I think that he’s uncomfortable with his own feelings and putting the burden of doing something about it on you. He’s uncomfortable with you taking care of yourself, and that’s not healthy in a relationship. Has he said what he wants to be different? That you come home happy, or faking it? That you unload your stress on him? That you depend on him to make you feel better?
I think it’s pretty normal to come home from work and need some time alone to change gears, decompress, whatever.
I hope you can give yourself some grace and think of yourself as normal and OK, and not take on the responsibility of trying to fix something that isn’t yours to fix.
You can’t make your boyfriend happy less you are happy. Can’t pour water from an empty cup.
Focus on your habits and ways you can be happy by yourself. Your boyfriend loves you and wants to see you get better (is rooting for you but can’t wait around forever).
I mean it is kind of his fault for thinking that you could love yourself as he loves you. Can’t control the mood of others. It’s not your responsibility to shift how you feel for someone else’s comfort.
You can hope that eventually everything aligns between you two but I don’t know if it’s necessary. And to beat yourself up over it, when you find out you are incompatible, is just poor practice.
Okay, you hate your job. If you didn’t have that job there might be something else just as complex that alters your mood (life happens). Could you find a better means of channeling your emotions rather than isolation? Maybe but isolating yourself for an evening isn’t necessarily A Bad Thing. Artists do it all the time.
I understand that relationships take compromise but that’s a 2-way street. I think you ought to give yourself some credit for opening up to him. You mentioned you thought he was looking through you and you had to initiate conversation to find out what’s going on. That’s a healthy response.
Also, when someone says that you’re getting worse it makes me feel like more than just an observation but a way to evaluate someone as a product. I don’t like that phrasing.
I thinks it when you spend so much time with someone especially when you begin to live with them, the idea and ultimately the pain of separation can feel super heavy but you may thank yourself later for it.
Life is so much more than just being with someone for the sake of receiving any amount of love.
Do what you feel is right but the way I see it, you have 2 options: mold yourself into being someone that he wants (or wanted) you to be or stick up for yourself and be happy with the progress you are currently making and will continue to make.