Whether we want to admit it or not, pretty privilege is a thing. And it’s something that I now realize I had for the majority of my life. People were usually very nice to me, I got offered perks like drinks at bars and extra attention when I went out. And I was stared at a lot. This part bothered me, because I didn’t really know why (even though I was pretty, I had low self-esteem and didn’t realize it until later). If someone looked at me too long or smiled, I would quickly look away and feel uncomfortable.
Then, a couple of years ago, I had a health issue, which was fixed by taking a certain medication. Now, this medication had one huge side effect: it made you gain weight. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, my metabolism slowed, and I started getting bigger. The fatter I got, the less attention was paid to me. I didn’t notice it at first, but I began to have to ask for customer service at places instead of being offered, and I started to feel invisible, because no one looked at me. No one. People would walk right by and not even acknowledge my existence. It was strange at first, then incredibly humbling. I thought, well, this is the new normal.
My personality started to change a little. I began being thankful for any small interaction someone had with me, and responded to any small act of kindness with gratefulness. I noticed other not conventionally pretty people, and other overweight people, and made an effort to talk to them and treat them like they mattered. I became a better person. Not that I wasn’t a good person before, but I was now more aware and empathetic to those around me.
Then, I had some good luck. My doctor found a different medication for my condition, one that didn’t mess with my metabolism. I switched medications, and the weight just melted off. I didn’t have to change my diet or exercise, which were healthy to start with, I just started to lose the weight. After about a year and a half, I was approaching my normal healthy weight, and boy, did I notice when I got my pretty privilege back.
The first time I noticed it was when I was in a store looking for something, and a handsome male worker came up to me and asked if I needed help. He looked me in the eyes. I felt like I mattered again. Then I instantly felt sad and horrified, because of the cosmic unfairness of life, that how we look really does determine how people treat us, even though it shouldn’t.
Now, I notice every unfair advantage that I get because of my looks, and feel humbled and grateful at the same time. I still seek out others that would have been invisible to me before, and try my best to greet them and talk to them like the important human beings that they are. I also feel guilty because a simple change in medication gave me this privilege back again, and that’s something that isn’t available to most people.
And also, when someone looks at me and smiles, no matter who they are, I give them a huge smile back.
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I can relate to this 100%. My mum said “do you honestly think if you are thin, people will have more time for you?”. At the time I said “no” but I was thinking ‘yes!’. And it’s true! People had more time for me and took me more seriously when I was slimmer. Now I have the disadvantage of being older (42) and bigger due to medication, I get overlooked for jobs mainly. Sad as it is, it’s true
100% pre-pregnancy I was skinny and blonde. I’m being completely honest here but men would do anything for me at my workplace to the point it was ridiculous. I shot up the work ladder so quick too missing many steps that others had to take. I don’t like people doing things for me though so I always did things myself which seemed to make men more eager.
Now I’m fat, I have health conditions, dyed my hair brown after frying it off and there is a huge difference in how the same people treat me.
I got slammed because I stated how important appearance is. Yes you get a lot of negative attention but it also opens doors other people don’t get. Which is why I hate parents who have fat children. They don’t know how much abuse and loss of opportunity they are giving. On top of the negative health.
I was fat since high school. Back then I was probably the only one in my class. I could never manage to lose weight until I was about 30. People definitely treated me differently. Stuff like holding doors instead of letting them close on me.
I wish every girl felt this way,in a way.(if that makes sense) I’ve been so ignored in my life I don’t really know how to have a conversation when someone actually wants to talk to me. Before it was so easy but PCOS has ruined my appearance…
I had the same problem also caused by medication that gave me skin rashes and red spots in my face and what hurts the most as a male you know 100% when you got pretty privilege because its so overwhelming. When i got the rashes the Tips at work stopped, got no numbers anymore, suddenlyy manager (female) began beeing amgry with me which she never was in 3 years always giddly and saying ohhh its fineeee and even the cashiers when i was going shopping started to talk less with me and made less eye contact. It felt like the whole world just liked my looks and now im disgusting and worthless. This put me in a deep depression for 2-3 years which ended in alcoholism and multiple drug use which worsen my looks even more which spiraled even deeper. About 6 months ago i stopped taking my medication and the rashes began to go away and people suddenly acting different again but i cant appreciate it or accept it anymore im just to bitter and shallow inside now because all this acting is just a facade from everyone.
Been here, it’s real. I hate it.
I had pretty privilege for many years. I didn’t realize it, like OP, because I was shy. My loss of pretty privilege came with age. How interesting and distressing for me to realize that it’s true–having greying hair and wrinkles have made me invisible. I am thankful that with age comes with a freeing IDGAF. OP, I appreciate your post and your insights.
Same here. Hated myself growing up, was bulimic for years. Now I work out consistently, and feel comfortable with myself & body. My teeth tho, will never be the same, I have constant headaches, jaw issues, and insecurities with my smile from erosion & neglect. You are very correct in that it helps you see the world in a totally different light. people never look at me the way they used too and I hate opening my mouth. I can’t just go back to my old self like you, but now I value way more than looks in a partner and have made vast changes to my ego. It sucks because when I felt I looked really pretty, I didn’t have a lot to offer, now that I do, people don’t want it unless it’s wrapped in that picture perfect package.
I commend you for using it to drive you to be better because it took a lot of work for me to find peace the other way around (was bigger and then got smaller). Sometimes viewing the world from the opposite side brings a new understanding, and what comes of that really provides enrichment.
A few years ago, I lost a bunch of weight. I weighed less in my mid thirties than I did when I graduated high school.
I had a really hard time handling the attention I was getting from random strangers. I kinda liked being less noticed honestly.
I don’t know how pretty people deal with it. I guess if you aren’t aware of it, or people have treated you the same your whole life then maybe, like OP, you just never notice.
*Typos
I shaved off all my hair for a double mastectomy surgery (couldn’t raise my arms in recovery) and it really showed me the pretty privilege was real. I always felt like I had it, but this confirmed it for realty now I’m taking testosterone and any trace of femininity has washed away from me and I can tell how people treat me differently, sometimes take me seriously, but most of the times I get ignored or overlooked and it’s very weird to expect a certain behavior from people that is no longer there anymore.
I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I might not be conventionally attractive to the cishet man anymore, but I’ve never been happier ✨
I had the same happen but opposite, after being fat my whole life I lost a lot of weight (unhealthily). The way people treated me impacted me so much, I once got hit on thrice in one day. I hated it because it wasn’t about me, but my looks. And it took so long for me to accept myself and understand my looks didn’t determine my worth, that I felt repulsed by it.
No I agree. I’m a woman and went through a phase where I shaved my head and was wearing a lot of baggy clothes and people were not as nice as when I had long blonde hair/girly style
I started working out last year and the “pretty privilege” is starting to piss me off.
This is less about pretty privilege and more about the rampant fatphobia that we ignore or even encourage in just about every modern Western society today.
You didn’t get less pretty. Your facial features are still symetrical, your skin is clear, you have pretty eyes and lips, your hair is still the same.
You got fat. And in North America, it is completely ok to treat fat people like shit, like they are invisible, like they are incompetent, lazy and worthless.
You got thin again, and are no longer experiencing fatphobia.
Now imagine never having the privilege. Seeing others having those perks opportunities etc. And simply KNOWING you are not one of them. And never will be.
Further proof why discrimination perpetuates:
Because no one truly opposes discrimination. They only oppose it when it doesn’t work in their favor
I’ve been on antipsychotics since childhood. When I stop taking the antipsychotics the weight simply drops off me. I lose weight so fast that my PCP got concerned about it and start talking about all sorts of tests and bloodwork and crap to figure out why I lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. I thought that was a good thing. Unfortunately I want batshit crazy and had to start taking the medication again in order to be psychotic.
I’m actually thankful I don’t have pretty privilege, I call it ugly privilege 😂. I’ve NEVER in my 34 years of life have been attractive so I get left the fuck alone and I like it that way. I’ve never bemoaned not getting attention so I never dwelled on it or really even thought about it. But I had a coworker who was gorgeous, we worked with the public, and she got harassed the whole shift.. people standing and staring at her for literal hours(just chillin in an aisle) or they wouldn’t leave our area and try and talk to her constantly. It was exhausting just watching it! She’s been stalked as a teen and was SA and it fucked her up. That was when I knew I had it good because I would have been in jail from hitting dudes constantly
It’s a real thing. As is age. I’m an elder millennial and I’m starting to notice I’ve disappeared in society. People do not pay attention to a middle aged woman. I’m not ugly or fat, but I’m not 22 and perky. And it’s like I’m not even here.
I recently lost 60lbs and while I don’t believe I’ve ever had pretty privilege, I do notice how differently I’m treated now.
Pre-weight loss people loved to tell me how tired I looked and point out how red my face is. I have rosacea. I can’t really help it.
After my weight loss people are just generally nicer to me. I haven’t been told I look tired in months and no one mentions my rosacea. People also smile at me more. It’s sad honestly. I’m the same person just a bit smaller now.
I have noticed this throughout my life as well. I have been various weights/sizes since my late teens and I definitely get treated better by everyone when I am more fit/thinner. Which is frustrating because now that I’ve experienced both sides, I can’t trust anyone when I’m thinner, as I don’t think they are genuine in their kindness. So I trust people more when I weigh more cause those still “willing” to be kind to me are the best kind of people.
When I’m fat, people don’t hold doors open for me, customer service people don’t acknowledge me first even though it’s their job to ask what they can do, waiters judge me for any food that’s not a salad etc etc. but when I’m skinny I get all sorts of attention and help. I get promoted at work, I get more strangers wanting to talk to me.
But I’m the same fucking person either way! My personality doesn’t change. Pretty privilege sucks!
I hear you. I have moved into a pretty privileged situation, but it slowly lessened after about 30 years old. I think anything that helps me get through any day is a huge help.
I know holding a door or getting extra help is tiny, but it can make you feel a cm of happiness or ease, and it’s worth it. I pass it on universally.
Yup, I’ve been fat and I’ve been skinny and I def notice a difference
Yes that is very true. I was always pretty, thin blonde, straight hair, well-groomed… after I gained about 30kg, people were no longer as kind to me or approached me gratuitously as they were before, I still know I’m pretty, but outside of the norm, I don’t like being like that… I want to be pretty again
This is a very small comparison but I (F32) didn’t get glasses until about 26. Literally overnight I got hit on/harassed by men way less. It felt like a stupid 90s rom-com where I was the ugly duckling that went through a transformation.
I do weight loss surgery. Most of my patients are thrilled at the results. But I had one who was angry. I was kind of surprised because she seemed to be doing great.
She told me that she had received two promotions in the six months after surgery. I said that’s wonderful. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “I’ve been at this job for the past 10 years. The quality of my work hasn’t changed at all. The only thing that has changed is my weight.”
I had an aha moment then that I had never had before.
I’m an ugly woman, I’ve been told it my whole life by family, people at school, and strangers in the streets.
I developed an eating disorder a few years ago. At my worst with the ED, my skin cleared up, I was skinny, and I had a nice haircut for once lol. People were really lovely to me all the time. My mental health got better. The world seemed really friendly and I was finally glad to be in it.
Then I started having seizures. Meds made me gain weight. My skin broke out again, and continues to do so. My hairdresser left the area and the next one gave me a dumb and dumber haircut. The world is horrible to me again. The best I can hope for most days is invisible. I got a nasty name screamed at me on Thursday by a random man for daring to exist in public as an ugly woman lmao.
Women still only “deserve” to exist if we are aesthetically pleasing. It’s great.
Same. Its funny because now I have a son who is handsome, blue eyes, blonde hair, long eyelashes, and I explain to him from time to time “People are going to like you right away because you’re a good-looking kid. All you have to do is be nice and not push them away, and you’ll have friends” and so many people want to play with him and be friends at school but he’d rather play on the equipment by himself 😅
But with regards to myself, I got a lot of attention because I had a great body and I used to dress slightly provocatively. When I gained weight and had to then change the way I dressed, I noticed a big difference in how people treated me in public.
I lost some of that weight and I found a happy medium, where I do my hair & my makeup nice and I just dress like someone’s mom now and not ‘that hot chick over there’ and I like the way people treat me just fine 😊
I lost pretty privilege fairly young. Turned 20 years old, got cystic acne. It immediately humbled me. Battled it throughout my 20s.
I understand what you mean. When I was younger and slimmer I was very uncomfortable with attention from men and I was friends with the wallflowers and girls who were treated invisible because they were fat. But what I didn’t know was that those girls actually resented me because I wasn’t fat (at the time) and ended up being horrible friends. You really have to look hard to find good people.
Then I gained weight after some very negative experiences from the attention I got from men and I became invisible, but I welcomed it because I saw what was on the other end of it already. If you’ve never had it then it’s hard to know what it feels like and it can be overwhelming and make you feel disgusted with people.
Being happy with yourself no matter what your appearance is what really matters because society will show you time and again how shallow it is and that appearance is what really matters not being a good person.
I traveled with a coworker who looked like Tom Selleck in his youth. It was amazing to watch the flight attendants, etc, fall all over him. Nice guy, fortunately.
former very thin, long legged, pretty redhead
people stared, I had no idea why
I hear you. 🫶 Yes, unfair privilege.
The funny thing about noticing the change that came with the privilege is the unsettling feeling that people you always thought liked you and were friendly now makes you question how many of those interactions were actually real or was it just because of the privilege?
I realized it too after I gained weight. I was walking through the town center, alone in a place I visit a few times a year, before when I would walk around, people would stare at me, honk their horns, slowly follow me with their cars briefly, offer me rides, ect. Anyways when I was walking around I realized no one was paying any attention to me. But it a way it felt freeing, I felt safer and more comfortable when I knew no body was paying any mind to me.
It’s 100% a thing. I was I guess what you would call conventionally pretty, and I never really thought anything about the way people look at you until it changed. But now people stare at me for a completely different reason, because I’m in a wheelchair now. It’s kind of a mindfuck when you realize for a lot of people you lose your worth when you aren’t attractive to them.
I’m a certified fat girl, but a handful of times I’ve been “skinny.” It’s so drastic and hurtful when I lose weight and become human again.
One of the perks of being fat is that people leave you alone.
If you don’t like me when I’m fat, you don’t like me, period.
I have pretty some privilege now because of a weight loss of over 100lbs. It’s so true that people treat you differently. I was humbled at a very young age by my peers who all told me I was fat and ugly. My whole life I always thought it was true, I was just made wrong.
Now I feel more beautiful than I ever have at 39. I made eye contact with a man the other day and smiled at him, he smiled back and then dropped his drink carrier full of slurpees 😂So,I still got it. I do get treated better now and I’m totally aware of it. I’m a kinder and better person for it.
This is 100% gospel. In fact, this is how Ted Bundy was such a successful serial killer. People were put at ease by his charm and good looks
I had the same experience just not from medication. It’s really jarring when you start being “seen” again. I can’t even enjoy some social interactions bc I’m thinking about how they would’ve treated me 3 years ago. One comforting thing is that my partner never changed 🙂
I went through something similar, got cancer and chemo and lost all my hair. People stared at me still, but now rudely or with disgust. They made assumptions about me and it showed in their faces and how they engaged with me.
I healed, got my hair and my looks back and boom, everyone is really nice to me again.
Fake ass fuckers, I SEE you.
TIL I’m not pretty lmao, literally no one helps me. People don’t hold doors open for me, I have to hunt a service worker down to ask for help. Free drinks? What’s that. I’m not fat and I’m not skinny I’m a decent weight. Does having a resting bitch face turn people off? Or am I just ugly ? Not me about to have an existential crisis
> And also, when someone looks at me and smiles, no matter who they are, I give them a huge smile back.
When someone looks at you, smile first
That was the hardest part about aging for me lol realizing you become invisible. It sucks but I’m over it now and it makes me notice all the other old people like me.
You have a good heart, OP. I’m sorry you had to learn this cruel reality of the world, but I’m glad it deepened your sense of empathy. I also go out of my way to make sure people know they matter. It is a small kindness in a cold world.
Love this confession. I work in a care home and have a lady with dementia around 90. She was stunning and still walks with elegance. So on her window ledge in her room she has a cast iron head of herself (very scary) one day I said how beautiful it was, she turned to me and said she had it made so all the men could admire her 🤣😂
Thank you for saying this.
I’ve seen discussions where a lot of people just don’t get it. There’s a subset of feminists who (sometimes rather rudely) scoff at the idea that pretty privilege exist. They think that prettiness is a burden because it garners a lot of unwanted male attention and harassment. I don’t for one second deny that that can happen and can be a big problem, but pretty privilege is much more than come-ons. It’s not just when men harass; it’s also when men are helpful, like the guy at the store you mentioned. And it’s also women! Studies have shown that even (heterosexual) women are kinder to pretty women than ugly ones. (And good-looking men are also treated better, by other men and by women.) Attractive people are more likely to be hired or promoted. They’re more likely to have professors bump up their grade when they’re near the cutoff between an A and a B, or a B and a C or whatever. They’re more likely to have other people take their side in a dispute.
People who have always been unattractive sometimes see their pretty peers being treated better, but if they complain, it sounds like sour grapes and isn’t taken seriously.
People who have always been attractive often have no idea what it’s like for those who are not.
Those who have been both, like you, are the ones who really get it and are in a good position to speak up about it.
Thank you for speaking up.
I’ve been fat and thin, conventionally attractive and not. I yo-yoed weight a LOT in my younger life. I’ve seen it from both sides, and it’s a hard perspective to have.
Its easy to become resentful about it. One thing I remind myself of is that people typically aren’t even aware they’re doing it. They don’t know they’re treating you differently. I don’t hold anger towards them for this.
I have noticed a few benefits to being a fat woman. You’re noticed less, but also harassed less. When I was thin people were often too intimidated to approach me, and made assumptions that I was snobby, too good for them, etc. I am more approachable now as a fat woman. But I’m also taken less seriously in my field.
As a fat woman, I have to wonder about people’s intentions less often. If they want to spend time with me, my perceived attractiveness isn’t a factor, but moreso my character. I actually struggle knowing these things in deciding if I want to lose the weight again. In some ways, being fat deters certain people I perhaps would not want in my life. Its a mindfuck.
I’ve been fat and thin, conventionally attractive and not. I yo-yoed weight a LOT in my younger life. I’ve seen it from both sides, and it’s a hard perspective to have.
Its easy to become resentful about it. One thing I remind myself of is that people typically aren’t even aware they’re doing it. They don’t know they’re treating you differently. I don’t hold anger towards them for this.
I have noticed a few benefits to being a fat woman. You’re noticed less, but also harassed less. When I was thin people were often too intimidated to approach me, and made assumptions that I was snobby, too good for them, etc. I am more approachable now as a fat woman. But I’m also taken less seriously in my field.
As a fat woman, I have to wonder about people’s intentions less often. If they want to spend time with me, my perceived attractiveness isn’t a factor, but moreso my character. I actually struggle knowing these things in deciding if I want to lose the weight again. In some ways, being fat deters certain people I perhaps would not want in my life. Its a mindfuck.
Thank you for highlighting this, it is a truly mind-boggling difference!
Tried to explain thin privilege to my mother who responded “well, I got called skinny once!” I have always been big, but I’ve lost weight in the past year, and only feel that it has reinforced my perception of the divide.
Every modern form of visual media says that fat = ugly, but sure. She got your fee fees hurt one time, so obviously that means that fat people have no systemic social difference in treatment, right? Lol. It’s easy to ignore the differences in treatment when you’re seen as the “default” human, because your “normal” is just “normal.” Same goes for race, sexuality, etc.
An important note, because many people seem to think fat people don’t face as much sexual harassment:
The cat-calling decreased. It’s still there, it’s still bullshit, but it is NOT the same. It was worse when I was fatter. When you’re seen as lower-value, you are treated as such, and that includes harassment.
You know, really pretty people kinda put me off. I guess I have the opposite. Many of the very attractive women that I’ve met have seemed shallow and are generally annoying to be around.
They are usually lazy because they’ve never had to work for much (guys doing their assignments in school or letting them off easy at work). They think the world owes them everything, and I can understand why when time and time again rich or powerful men will do ANYTHING for them, just by virtue of their looks. They’ve never had to develop their personalities as they don’t get punished as much for misbehaving. People let them off the hook all the time for saying stupid things. There are exceptions of course, but in some ways being attractive can be a curse for your personality.
The most handsome man I’ve ever known grew up gay in an abusive household and was morbidly obese from childhood until his early twenties. When he finally came to terms with everything and decided to quit using drugs and get healthy, the weight came off to reveal a startlingly beautiful man. I remember walking down the street with him and passing a group of women who all fell silent and just stared at him in shock as he walked by. But he remained the kindest, most empathetic person because he knew his face was just good luck, but his character was hard work. He actually became an art therapist working with abused children. Damn, if only that man was straight
We’re all going to be all geezers and no one likes old people so buckle up buddy!
Welcome to the suck, but at least your sojourn here has ended.
Spread the word in the pretty people world: we uggos are people too.
I feel you, OP, but my pretty privilege ended when I went into menopause and my body changed and I started looking my age.
It’s weird how people treat middle aged women with mom bods like they aren’t people anymore.
We’re the backbone of society for crissakes.
When I was pregnant, I had a really hard time getting into a bathroom at work. I would have to angle my body and rotate while I shut the door.
This isn’t the same as your experience, but it was a very humbling moment of realizing that the world isn’t built for larger people. And I can only imagine how challenging the social changes becoming larger would be.
Just wait till you’re a woman in her 50s and there’s nothing you can do to get your pretty privilege back. You pretty much become invisible unless somebody wants to sell you something. And if you look good it’s always “for your age”.
I have always been chubby, but had large breasts, a nice big but and a pretty face, so I was used to getting sexual attention. But I was not ready for all the attention you get when I became thin! I lost a lot of weight due to stress and people treat me so much kinder. It is not limited to people who want to sleep with me anymore… it messed me up a bit 😅
Like, I am the same person, why do people treat me like I am suddenly worthy of kindness and attention
God these comments also make me so sad because so many people are balancing their real medical needs with this shallow (but also very real) cultural need.
It really illustrates that even tho pretty “privilege” is absolutely a thing, it also is just another trap to make people controlled by their appearance.
Conversations like this are so important, so thank you OP.
You’re not really describing pretty privilege, but thin privilege. It’s great you changed your behaviour though.
Skinny privilege 😕
This reads like a kids book.
My weight fluctuated with pregnancies and I’m at a low now due to gallbladder surgery and I get way more attention when I’m skinny. I wish it weren’t that way.
Yeah, nothing makes you realize this like undergoing weight gain/loss. There’s definitely a noticeable difference in how you’re treated on average.
It is real. I grew up pretty, but fat. People weren’t necessarily rude to me (after all I had “such a pretty face” – iykyk) but I wasn’t immune to a littme discrimination here and there. In my 30s I had a gastric bypass and lost 170 pounds. Suddenly people smiled and talked me more, would fall over themselves to hold doors open or rush to help me. Men hit on me constantly. Honestly, it made me sad because the only thing that changed was my weight.
This confession makes me like you even less. You think you deserve some kind of commendation because you had Karma kick you in the ass? No honey. Eff you in a major way.
I gained a lot of weight during perimenopause. My career stalled. I was talked over constantly in professional settings. I wasn’t promoted and had to push for my accomplishments to be recognized.
Lost 60lbs and my career has resumed its prior trajectory. I’m sought out for input and no longer Interrupted.
It pissed me off.
Nothing changed except gaining and losing 60lbs.
American fat culture behavior is awful.
Wait til your 50’s. Permanent invisibility.
When I was morbidly obese people were rude. I use mobility aides and sometimes those scooters stores have. I’d get told to walk and leave the scooters for people who needed them when my cane was visible in the basket or I was wearing shorts my knee brace visible. Now that I’ve lost the weight I’ve become invisible in some ways. No one takes a second look at me or stares no one says rude comments either to me or me overhearing them. When I walk up to a door with my cane I get a smile and they hold the door open. This is a whole new experience. I wasn’t always big I was a healthy weight most of my life then I got hit with chronic pain and put on meds. I ate too much and binged. I had lost some weight before being taken off the meds but once off them it came off quick but I still had to watch how much i ate i had to adapt those healthy habits I’ve had most of my life and have been successful.