I was 13 when my grandpa died and that was my first experience with death. That was followed by a boy from church dying that summer, two friends getting killed in a car accident freshman year, a kid committing sophomore year, two kids committing junior year (school was kind of small, around 80 kids per grade), my other grandpa dying my senior year, and my grandma dying two days before my 21st birthday. It wasn’t until my grandma’s death that I realized I longed for death as well. I had decided that life without her wasn’t worth living. She died of Covid in April 2020. It’s been 5 years and my yearning for death grows. I’ve been in psychiatric hospitals a few times, been in therapy for 2 years, and can honestly say that at one point a couple months ago I thought I was fully in remission from the thoughts of death. However slowly but surely the feeling came back. I almost was admitted last weekend but was able to make a deal and go home. But tonight I’m realizing how badly I want it. How much I yearn for it. How much I want to get it over with so I don’t prolong the pain my family would feel. My brain is sick, I know this, but at this point I don’t know if it can be healed
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Cool… I guess
The issues you experiencing can get better with a lot of work and time.
But it’s easier to give in to a compulsion rather than fight it.
And a lot of people don’t understand that having an issue press on you day in day out 24/7 has a way of wearing you out, a way of making everything seem hopeless/Make something horrible seem like a good idea.
I’d suggest you consider contacting the entity and becoming committed again/keep working with treatment.
since it is possible to get better from what you’re struggling with, they requires a very long fight.
And right now you’re feeling tired of struggling, So go find some help to assist you to get through this moment and safely see you in the next, and the one after that and the one after that.
Eventually it won’t be hard, but take help where you need it when you need it/please contact someone and get some help.
I believe in you. You got this. I know how hard it can be! You have already shown such strength getting through what you’ve been through. Your loved ones who have passed wouldn’t want you to give up, they’d want to see you happy and living your life. Something I do sometimes is I write a list of people who love me and a list of things in life that I love including people, experiences, items I own, anything that brings you joy. By the end I remember what I’m living for and what I’m working towards. Maybe it could help?
I feel almost the same way but I’ve never went and done anything abt it growing up (I’m 18) and still too this day a lot of my relatives or old so a lot of my loved ones have passed from old age, my great grandparents were first as if it was 1 after another, And then my grandmother was next a few years later and then it was my uncle, he was killed doing traffic flagging and a guy fell asleep at the wheel and pinned him to a generator, then my uncle who I was fairly close with passed from lung cancer, then just recently a girl in her sophomore year hung herself from a water tower. There’s so much death around me that I just don’t know what to do. It makes me feel as if I’m almost comfortable with the idea that I’m gonna die.
For years I felt the same way, you don’t want to die trust me there’s too much to live for you need to take a really good look inside your heart and just find your passion in life you’ve experienced a lot believe me I know about what it’s like to experience a lot of things I would rather have not and for the majority of my life I have dealt with chronic migraines as well as chronic depression extremely high anxiety to the point where it’s crippled me from working in my mid thirties so but honestly I’m happier than I ever have been because I learned that through inner peace there is strength you have gotten your mindset so used to how you feel that is why you’re feeling hopeless pretty much you need to snap yourself out of that mindset and start giving yourself more positive affirmations every day and be thankful and blessed for the things that you do have in life believe me when I say I have been through things unimaginable pain but through pain there is strength you can message me anytime if you want to talk more just know that you are good enough to be in this world and you should love yourself because you are awesome whether anyone else thinks so or not you’re above that and I think you know that deep down!!
Depression like this is hard and you may never be rid of it, but the trick is to just keep moving forward.
In a melancholy way, even if you keep living, death will come for you on its own terms, you don’t need to help it. Carry that with you as a reason to just not die… yet
It’s called the black dog for a reason. It’s always by your side and never leaves you. If you fear it, it will control your life. If you embrace it like a friend, you can control the narrative.
I wholeheartedly agree with the others advice, and cant add much more. But I do have a question:
Do you happen to live in a place that gets cold a lot/ Lacks sunny days sometimes?
That’s a lot of trauma for your young mind to have endured, especially since they were your formative years. Sometimes our brains aren’t ready to digest it all and we search for meaning in life.
There is so much to life that you haven’t gotten to see yet – and I hope you do.
Ruminating over death is a real thing. It is something you can overcome, though. It is well worth trying. The rewards are there.
When I was 16, I witnessed a horrible accident where a jogger was killed. Two weeks later, I was in a car accident myself – just injuries, fortunately. Then my grandpa died later that summer. It felt like the losses kept coming. A few years later there was another string of deaths, and I took it all so hard. I began being fixated on death and feeling suicidal. A lot of therapy and hard work for me for me through it. And I am so glad it did.
One thing I have learned is that death is a part of life, and the natural cycle of life. I thought it was so finite before, but when you see how people live on through their loved ones, it feels so much more precious.
I think you can be healed. These parts of life, can be viewed as “seasons” … they are temporary. Things can change for the better.
So you’re 26. And feel like you are a burden. Or you have no purpose. But you are also kicking depression’s ass. Batting 1.000 on surviving each day. Fear is something you need to learn to enjoy. Travel light. Sometimes you just need to do it yourself.
I think,metal illness is our biological attempts to adapt and readapt. And nothing hunts us anymore so we are soft. And human consciousness definitely seems like some real bullshit. At you worst, pessimism can keep you strong. In pessimistic philosophy there is no hope of gettting out alive. Maybe you are already in hell or purgatory. Who cares. No hope right? When ignorance fails, like in your case, best to think like a triage nurse care and help others so hard you don’t have to think, if epicureanism fails, you have weak resistance, attack the system, defy God and depression and use patience as your method, learn how man has dealt with existential dread. Go back to Greece and follow the philosophy through the years up to James Baldwin. World and people are not fair. The wealth we are shown is illusion.
BOO HOO
You only have one chance at life and you can die later. Stay and see what happens.
I’m proud of you for staying alive my friend
I’m gonna send you a dm.. I think we might have some stuff in common.. maybe I can help
When im sad i usually put on a smile and make jokes. Doesnt matter if its real or fake but idk how else to deal with it other than dumping everything i feel into someones messages. Half the time i only see my purpose in life as making others happy and laugh, but idk if it works for others
Do you truly want to die, or do you simply want things to be different? There’s a difference. I thought I wanted to die too, then I realized I just wanted things to be different.
Wouldn’t your grandmother want you to live a happy and fulfilling life?
Well lets cut this clear. You dont really want to die in the classical sense, you just dont want to live with the pain and loss which is very different. Death feels like the only way out of this pain and situation, but if you had the opportunity, you’d rather lice a life that doesn’t have this feeling. I say this not to assume, what you feel or think, but rather what you’ve told me, unintentionally. You understand what you feel is bad for you and you are, in your own way, using posting this and “talking to other people” about what you feel as a means of reasoning with yourself.
Trust me if you longed death, you’d be dead or having had attempted to such a serious degree that you would be hospitalized or dying. What you are, is depressed. Your brain chemicals are literally flooding you with an influx of negativity thats hard to come up from
Speaking from experience, that feeling for want death is a need for relief. A twisted idea that whats on the other side/lack thereof, will be a release from the torture that you feel right now, but its only because of that torture that it feels like an option. Because of that, you do not long for death, but instead beg for the release of the torture, via death. Deep down, theres a part of you that wants that sunlight that the clouds are starving you of, but you feel like the sky is meaningless because the sunlight is unattainable.
Im here to tell you, if it makes a difference at all, that nothing matters. There is no higher purpose, no light on the other side, no true meaning to your existence, nor anyone else’s, the loss you feel is meaningless, it doesn’t make sense because nothing matters. But in essence, because nothing matters is what is so free about this life. You lost all these people and the lingering idea of death is bliss to you because death seems better than this. In reality, we dont even know what death is like and it could be anything. You need to confront exactly what is so enticing about death to you and answer any questions about those feelings to yourself, sincerely.
You may come to the conclusion that you really do want death, then in that case, thats ok, just kill yourself, nothing matters either way and if thats truly what will bring you peace, then theres no reason to stop yourself because ultimately the people in your life will either move on, or they wont, but the world will keep moving. If you decide that you want a life without this feeling, then you just do the work it takes to unleash the light from the clouds. The beauty of nothing matters, is that you as an individual get to choose whats important to you because there is no higher reasoning for anything. So you decided, do you want to kill yourself for real or not?
Proceed from there.
Your life is a complete accident in the blip of the worlds existence, its unimportant and small, and thats exactly what is so magnificent about you being here. You are a completely unique person who will never exist again so you get to choose what happens in thag life, if you dont want it, you dont have to, but its such a great opportunity, you might as well do your best to reach that light that everyone desires
Depression is an addiction. You sink into the feelings and they overwhelm you and it feels like you can never escape. It almost feels good to experience these feelings. The key to gaining control is working to control the impulse to sink into the feelings and let them control you. The depression will always be there, but learning methods to control the lows and finding a solution that works for you is key. You’ll never truly escape feeling, but once you discover what works for you, life becomes beautiful and precious again. I believe in you OP, please consider yourself worthy of living and don’t be afraid to consider different solutions. The chemical imbalance is real and medication may help, but do so with proper guidance and support if you’re able.
Think about this… remember waiting for something? Like waiting for a field trip at school, or a family trip. Anything you had to wait for that you were looking forward to. Remember the sleepless night right before because you were so excited? Death can wait a little more. Right now it’s that period where you wait. I know you’re excited about it and want it to happen but why don’t you just do something fun while you wait?
The idea that the pain of your family being short lived is more than likely false. After all, they’ll think of the potential of the person you could’ve been for the rest of their lives. Some might even feel like they failed in not realizing how much you were thinking of this. They will want to know if you would have had a loving significant other, loving kids, a successful career, gained experiences of traveling the world or setting new things.
But this is your life. You can get through this with a lot of time and work put in to no longer think that if you absolutely need to.