Three years ago, my husband had an emotional affair with someone from his work. It never got physical at least that’s what he says and maybe I believe him, maybe I don’t. I found the texts late one night when he left his phone face-up on the bathroom counter. Long, poetic things. Laughing at inside jokes. Sharing secrets. He told her he dreamt about her. He told her she made him feel alive again.
It broke something in me.
We fought, cried, screamed. He apologized, begged, went to therapy, promised it would never happen again. I didn’t leave. I told him I forgave him.
But I don’t think I did.
I still smile when he walks into the room. I still make his coffee the way he likes it. I still lay next to him every night and tell him I love him. But there’s a small, quiet part of me that never came back a piece I didn’t realize he took with him when he gave someone else what I thought was ours.
I think about her sometimes. I’ve never met her, but she’s burned into my mind. I wonder if she knew. I wonder if she cared. I wonder if she thinks of him now.
We just bought a house together. Our life is full of normal things grocery lists, weekend chores, dinner with friends. It’s fine. Good, even. But when he kisses me goodbye in the morning, there’s still that flicker of old hurt that whispers, You weren’t enough once. What makes you think you are now?
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I needed to say it somewhere. I’ve been the strong, forgiving wife. I’ve been the one who “moved on.” But the truth is… I didn’t. I just buried it deep and built a life over top of it.
And I’m scared one day, the cracks will start to show.
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This reads like a love story that limped away from the fire instead of walking out whole. You didn’t move on you made space for pain and called it peace. And honestly? That’s heartbreak in its bravest form.
Same… I haven’t been sleeping well for weeks because I lay in bed thinking the exact same thing. I’m not sure where to go from here.
Your post says you have dinner with friend, grocery lists, etc. nothing about children. Get out NOW before you have children and staying becomes more of an “obligation” than a choice.
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I was cheated on and stayed in the relationship, it was my mistake. It’s been 26 years since I was betrayed and I still remember it, I never forgot it, I never trusted again, I never loved like I used to and my marriage was never the same again… I wish you lots of luck, it’s not easy. Reflect on whether your husband deserves all your energy, love and sacrifice. I now realize that in my case, divorce would have been the best option.
It doesn’t matter if you’re enough for him now. Maybe you are. Maybe he had to almost lose you to realize what he had. The problem is he isn’t enough for YOU. The man you thought you loved isn’t who you thought he was. He’s gone. He died the second you found out about the cheating. Now you’re holding onto a ghost of what you had hoping the universe will breathe life into it. It’s been 3 years. Have the funeral and move on.
In my opinion, if a person betrays once, he will do it again. There’s no trust in a traitor. Imagine how many times he may have cheated on you without your knowledge. In your story, you didn’t mention a child. I advise you to get a divorce before things become more complicated.
I know where you’re coming from. I have been in the same situation and same place once. My husband is my first love. He has had his pasts before me. We were in a 10 year old marriage by that time when the incident happened and I have a 9 year old. I saw msgs exchange with an old so called flame when I used his phone to call my parents. I was in a shock and started shaking. I didn’t want to break down in front of my son. I had a home full of guests. It took my time to compose and go face the crowd. Later, I confronted him and he didn’t deny. He accepted it was just a fling. And begged me to not break the family. He blocked and deleted her. I pinged her and told her husband too. I was so lost and just functioned with no emotions that time. I felt I m not myself after that incident.
Yes. You will lose a piece of yourself. You will get thoughts like you’re weren’t enough once. You will feel what did I do to deserve this. But it will all go away. My husband keeps reassuring me. But I think I healed myself piece by piece in trying to do everything I love in life with all the joy I can. I felt I can’t let my love wither away just because of this or some random her. You are much more important than this. I hope you heal well and find the strength and love to move on from this than suppressing it within.
My knee-jerk reaction is ‘leave him.’ While I think that’s probably the best and safest answer, I realize it’s not always that easy and may not be something you actually want right now.
So, instead, I suggest therapy. Individual therapy for you and couples therapy. Be honest with him that it still haunts you and that talking about it with a mediator like a therapist in the room could really help you.
If you stay and you don’t try to work through these feelings and he never steps out again(assuming he’s actually as regretful as he makes it seem), you’ll end up years down the road , feeling stuck and bitter.
I love the spouse. Spouse seriously betrayed me. Could have divorced but decided to think it through. Key issue was betrayal. Decided to remove spouse from any and all positions of trust. Now spouse is incapable of betrayal. We still love each other a lot. Lots of fun because I recognized limits.
7 months into our marriage, 7 months pregnant, I found out he was having an affair with a coworker. I stayed because I was pregnant, on the the verge of being laid off from my job, and he had alienated me from my entire family.
15 years later and I’m still here and I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven him. That level of deceit is so damaging, something broke in me. I go through the motions but I’ve never been able to get close to him the way I should and I don’t believe I ever will.
Once someone shows you who they are, believe them. Please walk away if you can.
The feeling you’re experiencing now is the deep pain of betrayal. When someone we love breaks our trust, it leaves a wound that doesn’t easily heal. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship unless there was a sincere apology and clear, deep remorse, because emotional betrayal is a serious boundary for me.
What I recommend for both of you is to consider couple’s therapy and have a serious, honest conversation about what happened, how it made you feel, and whether trust can be rebuilt.
Oh my god I read the first few bits and thought has someone read my mind and written it out??
Same thing, three years ago, emotional affair, I thought I forgave but realise I don’t think I did… it pops up in my mind here and there and has been eating away at me for the past few days. We’ve only actually talked about it 3 times and I had to really push for information.
He was mentally very unwell back then, turned away from me and vented alot to this woman and they’d complain about their partners to each other, it got to them both (I don’t know who said it first) saying imagine if we’d met before meeting our partners, then he realised he was being stupid, deleted that text and didn’t text her again he says but still saw her at work a few times and who knows what was said there.
I was pregnant at the time and didn’t know about all this until later.
He gets defensive when its brought up and says “we’ve been through this im not doing this again” and says it reminds him of a horrible time and makes him feel all sorts of guilt, but I can’t let go of it and I always wonder if there’s more I don’t know.
Sorry for the vent, just needed to share when I read how similar your situation was. I feel you, its so horrible.
The fact that you are putting it out shows that you want to heal. Life is not always fair. Please don’t forget that you are a human being first, a girl, a lady first, then a daughter and later a wife. There is a saying in South India – once a perl is broken it can’t be made one. Please don’t worry and seek help before it troubles you and people around you. May the lord provide you strength.
And that’s why you divorce after any infidelity. That woman has lived rent free in your head for 3 years post d-day. Trust is broken. Pretty much permanently.
This is what I believe Ai could have written.
I miss the real anger inside this story.
This sounds like AI. It’s not an implausible story, it’s very normal. But the writing style seems like AI.
Same sis. Same.
She lives rent free in my head and I can’t evict her no matter how hard I try.
You know how they say you never love the same after your first love? It’s kinda like that. My husband and I (38f/40m) have been together since I was 16 and he was 17 and after two years of being heartlessly devoted and obsessed he broke up with me. Although we got back together a few years there this was now a second love, I wasn’t so young and dumb I wouldn’t allow myself to be so vulnerable and naive. Did he betray me? No but he betrayed me in the sense of who I was of how vulnerable and raw I loved him.
I still do and we have built a life together now for 23yrs we have an amazing life but i also am more analytical less vulnerable and definitely not as naive as i used to be. It’s almost like waiting for another shoe to drop when there isn’t another shoe?
Hi friend. I stayed with my husband after his affair. It took me about 4-5 years to fully recover. As someone else said, healing isn’t linear. What you’re feeling is completely valid and normal. With that being said…
If you feel like you can’t forgive, that’s okay too. You don’t have to right now or ever, really. It doesn’t mean you failed or gave up. It means you know your worth and boundaries. Only you know what’s best for you. You don’t just “get over it”. It will stay with you, just not like it used to. It fades away.
I hope nothing but the best for you. Take care of yourself and trust your gut. You’ve got this.
You need to get in to therapy. You may also need marriage counseling but you need to start with you before you explode.
The real question is – Do you see your life as better with him or without him? Are you ready to move on without him? Are you going to be OK if you leave him and he finds someone else? If that last one is no, do some work on yourself first. He has destroyed your self confidence. I think deciding what to do before you work on yourself is wrong. Are you feeling “I might as well leave because he will cheat again” or are you thinking “I should leave him because it will make my life better”?
This hit hard. You put into words what so many people silently live through — staying, surviving, and still somehow questioning your own worth every day.
Forgiveness is complicated. It’s not a switch you flip, and sometimes, we say we’ve forgiven just to survive, to keep the pieces of our life from shattering further. But the part of you that was broken? It matters.
You don’t have to have all the answers right now. But I hope you give yourself permission to feel all of it — the anger, the grief, the confusion. You’re not weak for holding on, and you’re not wrong for still hurting.
Thank you for writing this. It’s incredibly brave.
There is a video called “Rethinking Infidelity” – it’s a TED talk by psychotherapist Esther Perel – that truly changed the way I looked at affairs, both physical and emotional. I think (hope) it will help you too. All the best to you, OP.
https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?si=k39sQ4utVsqtzmCn
I woke up this morning thinking about her and i’ve never met her either. Same, we live together, I make his coffee, pack his lunch. It’s your brain processing trauma. I think I will leave eventually. He did it when I was postpartum. Months have passed since I found out. The love that I used to feel is just gone, best way to describe it. I think eventually I will cheat and realizing that what’s the point of continuing. Just causing more and more hurt
Powerful…
This is such a strong post.
Girl I feel you, it’s a hard thing to come back from. My ex husband still to this day will claim he has no clue how another woman’s underwear got into our bed, after I was hospitalized with complications in pregnancy. He never admitted it. For 20 years I was always accused of cheating though. I found the panties shortly into the marriage. Years later I wish I would have never wasted anymore time with it once I knew I couldn’t just let it go every time he accused me I thought about them under. Once the trust is gone I’m not sure one really recovers.
Trust is like a vase. Once it gets shattered, it will never be the same. It doesn’t matter how hard someone tries to repair it, the fact is they left is completely shattered & destroyed & there’s nothing they can do to ever fix it. It doesn’t matter how hard they try, or how hard they say they’re trying, they had the vase in the past & instead of taking care of it they broke it. Now they want to whine & complain that it’s not the same. r/loveafterporn might be able to help you. I would leave. The spark is gone. You’re never going to feel safe with him again.
This is when you realize life is really short and to live with that daily is not a good thing. You need to talk to him about it and figure out if you can get over it. Sometimes you can but living daily with it is not fair to yourself. It’s not healthy. Your not happy.
This is normal in relationships where it puts BOTH of you to the test if you both are meant for each other. Sure it’ll be a permanent mental scar, but you both learned from it and stuck through it together which on its own, is a big accomplishment. Your trust might be lowered or hurt but never stop loving him or believing in him. If you ever feel unsure, always ask for reassurance or maybe even let him know how it affects your mind and possibly even something new or nice will come from him. You both communicated in the past and still do, don’t stop now, you both will succeed, i know it
When your spouse has an affair, it permanently changes you. You will NEVER be the person you were before the betrayal. I found this out the hard way. It was about 15 years ago. I struggled because I wanted to be the same as I was. Time and a great therapist showed me that I couldn’t go back to being her. We are together, 30 years now. If he had realized the effect it would have on me, I would bet he wouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry. The old you is gone
Being cheated on sucks. It hurts. Go get yourself some therapy. You can’t live your life wondering if you’re enough. The idea that humans can only ever want one person in their life is absolutely ridiculous. They are going to list even if they don’t cross any lines. We are lying to ourselves if we think that’s the case. So why beat yourself up over that?
Give yourself some grace and understanding. He fucked up. If you can’t stay without questioning your worth, you need to leave. But your life is always going to be filled with questions about your worth because people are wired to seek other partners. Some people are strong enough not to act on it (or are too scared to do so) while others are too weak not to act on it.
The solution: Build up your self esteem. Love yourself. Don’t let someone else’s natural inclination determine your value.
Oooof. Feel this
“Quello che hai scritto è straziante e bellissimo nella sua sincerità. Non è debolezza non riuscire a perdonare del tutto, è solo umano. Hai costruito tanto, ma anche il dolore merita spazio per guarire. Spero che un giorno tu possa sentirti di nuovo intera, con o senza le crepe.
I could never ever trust anyone again if this happened to me. I would CONSTANTLY think about why I wasn’t enough.. who they’re with.. Trust would be gone.
You could talk to him about it. Dealing with it is an option.
divorce babe, divorce!
You’re not alone.
Let that shit go or break up. Digging up old shit only make the present and future painful. If you ain’t let that shit go then u might just need to bounce. It’s 2025 ain’t nobody got time for no stagnant love.
You are upset with what he hid from you, with what he did but you are now hiding something from him.
At some point that will come out. Each day that goes by will make the outcome worse.
My husband thought I forgave his infidelity and abuse, too. But I was really just biding my time and getting everything lined up to leave him. Do what you already know you need to do, but protect yourself first.
I had basically the same thing happen with my wife 9 years ago, it broke me for a long time. We had moved half way across the country to a state where her family lived and I had no one but her and my kids. She said a lot of hurtful things in the texts that she shared with the other man, it still hurts today when I think about it. I chose to forgive her, because we have 2 kids, and when it comes down to it I love her. I will never forget though, and it will always hurt.
Wow, you just described my life exactly. You put into words exactly how I’ve been feeling since my partner did the same thing. I don’t have any suggestions, but you are not alone. Sending some love your way.
My heart feels that whisper, too.
That strong ache pulls so damn deep in your chest at those moments.
Ugh. My exhole had several emotional affairs on me. And I’m a psych Major. Emotional affairs are worse in my mind. Cheating physically they got laid. Emotionally… they are connecting w another human and ignoring (making excuses) w me.
I’m sooo sorry you’re going through this. But know this says everything about your husband and a bit about you. Like you need to know your worth more. You need to do some serious childhood healing.
I hope I’m wrong. But this is what got me through this and off the cycle of people that only “love” me bc of how I make them “feel”
Please consider loving yourself for all of you… faults and mistakes too, you’re human. You’re supposed to do these things!! This is how we learn. You deserve love. True love. But you won’t accept it until you love you. Cliche, but true. Sending you all my run woman run energy.
Trust your gut