I (34F) am not overweight, but I am not in great shape. I want to work out to feel better, look better, and perform my job better (electrician).
My husband (40M) on the other hand is both overweight and out of shape. I don’t care that he’s overweight for any reason other than health. He’s as handsome as ever. He is starting to struggle to breathe at night and during activities he enjoys that he used to have no problems with.
I should stop here to add: my husband has never told me I’m over weight or out of shape, and he constantly tells me I’m beautiful and compliments my body. He doesn’t say anything while I’m working out that would make me feel bad or embarrassed. I still feel embarrassed somehow so I know the problem is me. I’ve never made a comment about his weight and I compliment him often. Occasionally he will say he’s fat and needs to lose weight, and I tell him he’s not really, but we can work out or create a diet plan together, if he wants. He always changes the subject after that. I will admit I’ve noticed it is starting to look like he has an apron belly, but I don’t bring it up and I don’t stare at his belly. (*I don’t bring up his weight ever. He does occasionally and I always say what I’ve written above.)
I think my problem is, I feel embarrassed when he walks in and guilty for working out around him. Or without him. He hates working out though. He randomly peeks in while I’m working out and it kills my flow…
I’ve been working out of town for the past ten months, only home on the weekends, and feel bad spending time I could spend with him by myself. (I’m aware I could be working out now instead of on Reddit.) We also have dogs that need exercise but both are prone to (GSD) herding/hunting (Cane Corso) me, so we can’t run together. lol Which means I have to walk them but then I never have the energy to run.
Anybody else experience this and have some tips for how to get over it? I think I’m just insecure and get embarrassed easily, even though my husband and I have been married for 14 years.
Comments
Don’t stop or feel guilty. You’re doing it for yourself. If anything, this may motivate him to start working out.
Stop lying to him. You don’t have to be mean or demeaning but if he says he’s getting fat, tell him he’s bigger than is healthy and he should change ….
He won’t even walk the dogs with you?
isn’t more insulting that you are hiding that you were working out? Why not try something you can do together like morning or night walks, just spending time together.
Tbh I get super embarrassed and break my flow when my boyfriend sees me working out too. I think working out and exercising to better my health is highly personal, so I just prefer to be alone. However, we do enjoy doing active things together like hiking, walking, or playing a sport. I just ask him for some privacy when I workout bc I get embarrassed and it’s no biggie. He runs by himself and I do hot power yoga in the studio or at home by myself, but we always find something fun and active that doesn’t feel like a workout to do together. Maybe see if you guys can find an active hobby to do together?
I do think if his weight is starting to affect his health, it would be worthwhile to chat with him about it. I think a gentle — “I love you and always find you attractive, but I am getting concerned about how your weight is affecting your breathing and overall health. Let’s find something we can do together to motivate one another and get our health in check. I know no one wants to have this conversation, but I want to live a long and healthy, happy life with you.” — wouldn’t hurt.
I have a similar issue when I work out around my parents. And around friends who don’t work out. I feel insecure even talking about working out around people who don’t work out. It’s not everyone, but most people I know. There’s like this palpable sense that the other person is insecure about their lack of health. It’s not even just working out that triggers it it’s anything well-being related, like eating healthy food, or cutting down on drinking or other unhealthy habits, saving money even, or even being more social or getting out in nature more. It’s like as soon as you start saying I want to treat myself better, the people in your life who are used to the other way of being and who aren’t ready to change start pulling back. It’s especially bad when you yourself are only just starting to take care of your health, and it’s almost like the other person feels suddenly betrayed in a weird way. It’s a very strange thing.
Maybe it’s not exactly this that you’re experiencing but it sounds like it is to me. It sounds like your husband is insecure about himself not working out and you can sense that.
If he can’t do the same things as you because of his weight it creates a rift that, even though not intentional, will cause some distance between both of you.
You should tell him to workout with you one of the times he catches you. Doesn’t have to be anything crazy, he can just do jumping jacks or something.
If you guys aren’t able to do basic stuff like walking or walk the dogs together, that’s a big issue. Definitely get him to do stuff with you. It may not seem like it now but that stuff builds resentment overtime.
You definitely want him to better himself with you, especially if you love him! All the best to y’all
I don’t get embarrassed, but distracted when my boyfriend watches me exercise, so I just tell him to stay out of whatever room I’m exercising in for the next 30 minutes (nicely, ofc). Just do that.
Also, I get feeling guilty for taking time to yourself, but you have 30 minutes. Do it at the same time every day, so he doesn’t feel like you’re suddenly leaving whatever you were doing together to exercise. If he knows you always exercise at noon, he will expect it, and don’t take it personally.
Walk the dogs, do 30 minutes of strength training, back to spending time with your husband.
Let’s be honest here. Hormonal changes are coming for you both right around the corner. Now is the perfect time to pick up strength training for both of you to avoid a lot of the problems that come with aging. Also, you should both be walking for 30 minutes 4 times a week. I wish I had made those changes. My 40s would be a lot easier.
Do it for your future. Extra weight isn’t the end of the world, but you need the strength and cardio to hit your second puberty (cough, perimenopause, cough) with the advantage of an underlying healthy system.
I felt the same, but it’s getting better. I think the issue is that during work outs, I have to get in unflattering positions that highlight my insecurities. I feel shame because I’m no longer as strong or fit as I once was. I’m very confident until it comes to my body. It took me 8 years to be comfortable naked around my husband even though he has always been ecstatic to see it and never uttered a single negative comment toward it.
What has helped me is asking my husband why he likes to watch me, and what he’s thinking during it. I was surprised to learn that he finds it sexy, it makes him proud, and he loves the way my body looks with or without exercise. But that working on my physical health for my own reasons is very attractive to him. His thoughts and opinions while he’s watching me are opposite of mine. So I try to remember that and see myself through his lens instead of my own when I know he’s watching. Maybe asking your husband those questions will help you, too?
Side note: a lot of people are focused on the wrong thing here. She didn’t ask for opinions about her routine with the dogs or her husband’s fitness.
It’s normal to feel that way, I think is just because is an uncommom thing to you and you don’t have the confidence to work out in front of other people that do not share the same interest as you because maybe It looks like an awkward thing for them regardless whether is your husband or no. I remember when I start to do push ups in my bedroom and worried about someone showing up in the middle of my reps
just be honest and talk to your husband about it, tell him it makes you a bit embarrassed he seeing you workout and you need to be focused on your work out and you need privacy, but don’t mention the guilt you feel about working out, it might unintentionally hurt his feeling and he will want to join you, then you will feel more embarrassed and he will notice something is wrong, and instead of working out together or you working out ,you both will stop working out all together and being around him could make you feel like you cant.
But he is overweight…? Why wouldn’t you encourage him to be healthier? He’s literally having trouble breathing.
Why would you be embarrassed about trying to actively improve yourself and your health? I think you are way too much in your head about it.
Seriously, be honest, in a kind way. You’re married and it should be this hard to tell the truth.
I also struggle with “the fear of being perceived”! I think it stems from a bit of self confidence issues for me, if I buy new clothes, I will try them on in a different room so that I can avoid being watched struggle to zip up something that is too small, for example, and I’ll only show them off if I’m happy with the outfit 😅
A couple things to note: First, telling your husband that he is overweight or unhealthy does not mean you are not attracted to him. Although our minds automatically assume that overweight = unnatractive, that is obviously not the case (proven by the fact that you find your husband attractive) and making sure he understands that might help break the ice if you will.
Second, there is more to health than just weight, and being overweight is not usually the diagnosis, it is simply a symptom. Based on the fact that you guys have been married for 14 years, i would assume your husband is somewhere between the ages of 35 and 50. When you are that age, (as opposed to a twenty year old), being overweight is more dangerous because you are at a much higher risk for issues with things such as cholestorol and cardiovascular health.
Third, there is more than one way to “work out.” Anything from going on walks to playing golf is “working out”, and every bit of movement makes a difference when the baseline is near-zero. A suggestion that your husband might want to try if he never really enjoyed sports or cardio is weight training (lifting weights). Specifically strength training (lifting heavy weights) can be extremely beneficial for older people, who often lack muscle (which has much more uses than just flexing on a beach). Another reason why he might enjoy weight training is that as a big guy, youre usually at a inherent disadvantage in every sport you try. Weightlifting is the only excersise i can think of where being overweight gives you a head start + people who are prone to gaining weight are more often than not prone to building muscle. At the end of the day its much more fun to be the guy leg presssing more than everyone else because you effectively squat 250 pounds when you stand up than to be the guy who is walking on the treadmill.
At the end of the day though, you really should talk to your husband about his weight. It sounds like not only are YOU noticing that his weight might be unhealthy, but he is as well.
The main issue I have with body positivity is that it normalizes unhealthy habits. You would not be doing someone who is 80 pounds a favor by assuring them they look fine, and you would not tell someone with panic attacks or depression that nothing is wrong. The same goes for unhealthy weight.
It sounds like your husband is aware of his weight problem, and anyone who has ever been overweight can tell you – its definetly weighing on him heavily (no pun intended). I know this doesnt really solve your problem with working out, but if you really want to help your husband i would advise having a more serious conversation about the topic.