I’m a 27M, a primary school teacher, and I’ve always tried to be the “steady” one in my family. I have two younger sisters one who’s 19 and younger than me, and another who’s the youngest. A few days ago, our family was turned upside down when a pornographic video featuring my 19F sister and some other people (guys and girls) leaked online. I haven’t watched it or seen what’s in it I couldn’t bring myself to but I know it was shared without her permission by some shady people she met at a party last year. It spread like wildfire in our small hometown, and people we’ve known forever neighbors, old classmates, even some of my colleagues started gossiping, judging, and trash-talking us.When it first happened, we tried everything to get the videos taken down. I spent hours reporting links, contacting websites, even looking into legal options, but it was like playing whack-a-mole. New uploads kept popping up. My dad, who’s always been stoic, didn’t say much but was clearly devastated. My stepmom lost it. She and my sister had screaming matches daily, blaming her for “ruining the family’s reputation,” even though my sister didn’t consent to the leak. The fights got so bad that my sister was crying herself to sleep every night, and I couldn’t stand seeing her like that.I decided to bring my sister to live with me in my apartment, two hours away from our hometown. I thought a fresh start in a bigger city would help her escape the bullying and harassment. I teach at a primary school, so I’m used to being patient and supportive, and I tried to be that for her. I covered her expenses, cooked for her, and told her we’d get through this. I thought it was a horrible situation she’d want to move past.But then I noticed something that’s been eating at me. My sister doesn’t seem… ashamed. At all. She’s been acting like some kind of influencer, posting selfies and cryptic captions on social media, almost leaning into the attention. Worse, I found out she’s still hanging out with the same people who shared the video without her permission. She’s been ignoring how much this has hurt our family. I’ve even gotten harassed because of it. Random people have sent me the video in my DMs, mocking me, but I’ve never opened it. I had to disable my Twitch account (I used to stream games as a side hobby) because the trolling got so bad. I haven’t streamed in over a month, and it’s been tough losing that outlet.I’m torn. I love my sister and want to protect her, especially since the leak wasn’t her fault, but I’m starting to feel like she doesn’t care about the damage this has caused. My dad’s barely speaking to her, my stepmom’s written her off, and I’m stuck in the middle, trying to hold everything together. I keep asking myself: Was I wrong to think she’d distance herself from those people? Should I keep supporting her, or is it time to set boundaries? I just needed to get this off my chest because I feel like I’m drowning in this mess.
Edit :
Yo, big thanks to those who get this mess and gave solid advice—really appreciate the polite, gentle help. But you others saying my sister’s “adult” and “free”? That crap’s wrecking families. Shame on you for judging me when I’m trying to keep her from getting bullied or screwed over. What’s done is done, we can’t fix it, but I’m struggling for her, not me. We’re not from the US—this ain’t normal in our strict community, and folks here don’t roll with it. If you saw your kid on a bad path, would you shut up just ‘cause they’re “adult”? I’m 27, still take advice, never pull that “I’m an adult” nonsense, and respect those who guide me. I’m not judging her, just don’t want her as public property ‘cause of those jerks who did that. I care a ton about her, she’s 19, still young . I wanna guide her, not force her, so she sees her screw-ups hurt us all. We’ve always had her back, unlike you who ditch family in tough times. Bet you don’t talk to your siblings. We’re doing our best. This’ll pass, and when she’s 80, I’ll be there
Comments
It’s probably going to be a tough pill to swallow, but just because the video got leaked without her permission, doesn’t have to mean she’s ashamed of what she was doing in the video. If she was in the video as a willing participant, then that activity was her choice. It may have been a poor life choice since this kind of thing will follow her around and have an effect on her future career choices, but if she’s not ashamed of what happened everyone kind of needs to back off a little.
It does suck that the entire family became collateral damage, but she is technically an adult and is free to fuck up her life in any way she chooses. My only advice is to accept that it was her choice but considering that you work with children you might want to put some distance between you. Get out of the middle. It’s not a safe place.
Your sister doesn’t have to be ashamed. It sounds like she participated in consensual group.sexual activity, but it was shared without her permission. She can wish the latter didn’t happen without being ashamed of her secular activity. It does sound like your family is ashamed of the notoriety it’s brought you, while your sister is leaning in. None of you are wrong. It’s fair for you to be unhappy about the unwanted attention while your sister is not unhappy about it. If it’s going to hurt your job, and you need her to move out, just have a frank conversation with her about it. She doesn’t need to be shut shamed, but she should be aware that her actions hurt more than just herself.
If I were you , I would ask her why she hangs out with them even after the leak and then decide whether to support her or not.
It feels incredibly complicated, doesn’t it, like you’re trying to hold together something that’s actively falling apart, and maybe, just maybe, a little space for reflection, a small chat about why she’s behaving this way, might actually help bridge the gap between what you’re feeling and what she’s showing, because it’s not necessarily about judgment, but about understanding.
It sounds like your sister is an OF girl in the making.
Your poor sister.
This is 100% your sister’s fault. She might not have known it got leaked at first but I guarantee she knew that she was being filmed. Actions have consequences and the fact that she doesn’t even seem to care tells you everything you need to know about her not caring about how it’s affecting your whole family. She’s selfish and self centered and might not realize it now but since a lot of people y’all know have heard about the video or seen it.. well that’s gonna be something that will follow her the rest of her life and be a reminder to people of what they perceive your sister as.
She doesn’t have to be ashamed about anything that she participated in. Do you want her to fall into a deep depression or grab the bull by its horns and take it for what it is? She does not have to live by the standards of what other people want her to live by. Also she didn’t mess her future up, there will be plenty of opportunities that are meant just for HER.
You say that she was crying herself to sleep every night, but now you’re upset that she doesn’t care? It sounds like she realised she can’t spend her whole life upset over it and got over something she can’t change. Your family’s reaction was to berate and abuse her so I don’t blame her for not caring about them anymore. Your sister is moving on from something traumatic and you should support her, rather than getting upset that she has moved on.
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I don’t understand why she should feel ashamed. She didn’t film it, she didn’t leak it, she can’t control people gossiping.
Leaning into the attention might be her way to cope and reclaim control of her story.
Feeling shamed by you will only push her further into the arms of her “friends”.
Ask her if she wants to take legal action against the person who leaked the video.
You said she was crying herself to sleep every night and that it killed you, but now that she isn’t you are judging her? Why is that?
And why is she responsible for the way your stepmother is acting? Your stepmother was out of line to begin with. Imagine feeling so guilty and shameful and the people you count on to support you have turned against you too.
Now, imagine you have someone you love who still supports you giving you a lifeline, which gives you time to realize you cannot keep letting this thing impact you so negatively. That you do still have people in your corner. So, you make it obvious to trolls and misogynists online that you do not give a shit what they have to say, you lean into it.
As for the friends, what choice did she have? Her family has shown her how they feel. Aside from you she has no one. I would talk to her about hanging out with those people, but she has nothing to be ashamed of. So, what if she had some consensual fun with others?
Does she know exactly how the rest of the family was impacted or have you all shielded her from that? Because if she doesn’t know the extent of it, she needs to. And then you can decide on her behavior from there.
Your sister did NOTHING wrong. You just want to see her wither away into a put of self-loathing.
You’re not going to be happy unless she harms herself.
She’s chosen her path and you should chose yours. She want to be a cam girl influencer, fine, it’s a valid choice. But cut off the support you’re giving her. No more freebies, cooking meals, whatever you’ve been given her. Those kinds of girls make plenty of money, don’t give her any more of yours.
Still be a cordial sibling, see her when it’s appropriate, but distance and repair your own repuatation. Go back to streaming and explain that you thought something about her that wasn’t true and you’re distancing yourself. Definitely don’t quit streaming over it, dont let the bullies win.
If she’s still hanging out with those people then she sounds like a train wreck. You have no obligation to be supporting her at this level if she is enjoying/making the most of the attention. She’s young and she is making poor decisions, which she needs to learn from all on her own.
You may have been somewhat supportive, but your family hasn’t been. And none of you have been “super supportive” during this time. She did nothing wrong. Not even continuing to hang out with the group is wrong. She’s an adult. You and your family need to stop treating it as a personal affront and slight towards you, that was done to damage your reputations, and find a way to move on. Your sister doesn’t deserve this treatment from your dad and stepmom, or from you to be frank. Stop wanting her to feel bad.
Did It Ever Occur To You She Wanted To Be Seen???
Shared Without Her Consent Could Be A Coverup, Based On How She Is Being Treated…
If She Is Still Hanging Out With Them, There Is A Reason, Just Because They Are Shady To You, Doesn’t Mean They Are To Her…
The Way She Is Reacting Is Due To The Way Her Family Is Treating Her, Especially Step Monster, She Is The Bigger Problem…
You Decided To Move Her In With You, Sounds Like A Decision Made By You, You Never Once Mentioned Whether You Discussed It With Her, And If She Agreed…
You’re Struggling To Support Her, Because She Doesn’t Want Your Support On The Video, You Two Have Different Views On What Happened, Because Of How You Are, She Is Keeping Her Feelings To Herself…
FYI: The Internet Is Forever, Nothing Is Ever Truly Removed Forever…
It Will Always Be There For People To Watch…
You can read Mel Robbin’s let them theory and realize you don’t need to be the middle man anymore.
Is this revenge porn because I believe that’s a crime in a number of places. Regardless, it sounds like your sister is trying to make the best of a shitty situation, though I worry why she’s becoming friends with the folks sharing stuff. Is she hoping they’ll stop spreading things and be nicer? Does she feel like she has more control that way?
I can potentially see things becoming similar to any abusive relationship where you try to be super nice and predict moods so the abuser won’t hurt you as much, but that might be me extrapolating too much. Sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for her and for all of your family
YTA
An adult woman engaging in consensual sex does not warrant shame. Having videos from her sex life blasted publicly without her consent does not warrant her shame, despite people trying to shame her. She has nothing to be ashamed of. Why are you expecting her to feel shame?
She clearly cared if she was crying herself to sleep. She clearly cared if she moved hours away to flee the experience. She shouldn’t be hanging out with anyone involved, but it seems to me like she’s trying to move on with her life. Everyone but you abandoned and disappointed her. Don’t join them.
I think one of the reasons that you’re getting pushback here is that you seem less worried about how your sister is doing and more focused on getting her to realize how she’s affecting the family. A lot of redditors, especially western ones, don’t believe in the whole family reputation thing or judging people based on association. The very idea that you should have to live your life a certain way just to not embarrass the family is considered rigid, even abusive. And it’s quite possible that your sister agrees with that view.
If you really are concerned about her possibly being with a crowd that is hurting her, you should talk to her. Ask her what’s going on without judgement and without bringing up the family.
I’m going to ignore the fact that she might be pretending to be strong so as not to break down in front of her family.
Let’s assume that she really isn’t ashamed (like you said):
She doesn’t have to feel that way. Shame. The one who should feel ashamed is the one who spread such content without authorization, committing crimes and everything.
Maybe the “influencer persona” is something to protect her from everything, something like “I don’t care” mask as an image for society. However, she should distance herself from all the people involved. Even the other girls.
There’s no way of knowing who leaked it and the best thing is to stay out of that social circle.
I believe that, in the future, she will better assimilate the consequences of her actions. You are doing your best.
Telling her she should be ashamed of being taken advantage of and attacking her for ruining the family’s reputation just taught her that the family doesn’t actually have her back.
You, as an individual, might have her back, but “the family” wasn’t worth a damn to begin with if screaming, shaming, and ostracizing was the result of any inconvenience for the family.
First and foremost the family should be a safe haven no matter what happened. She might have learned that these people she’s hanging out with aren’t her support structure if her family had proven they were her support structure.
Breaking news: People have sex
To me it sounds like you haven’t really talked about your sisters feelings with her. It’s Impossible to know what’s going on in her head. She’s very young and gone through a trauma. She definitely needs help.
Now you are considering abandoning her as well. People in her situation can end up ending their lives. I’m sorry to say it, but that’s ehat first came to my mind.
I’m glad that you took her under your wing, but this is fucked up:
“I wanna guide her, not force her, so she sees her screw-ups hurt us all.”
“Brother, you have to open your eyes: your sister is taking this as a game, and what happened was not a game. What they did to her was a crime, a public humiliation, and you are carrying a weight that does not belong to you. You are not her shield so she can continue making mistakes while you break your back trying to protect her.
If he continues with those people, it is because he has lost his mind or he does not value your sacrifice or what it has caused in the family. You saved her from sinking, and she’s pulling you with her into the mud. Put a stop to it now. Tell him clearly: if he continues with that rubbish of people, you stay away. You can’t be an accomplice out of affection. If you don’t react now, it’s going to destroy itself, and it’s going to take you with it.
This is not the time to be the ‘good guy’. It’s time to be firm. People who judge you from the outside don’t know the hell you’re living through. “Do what you have to do, not what hurts the least.”