It’s been a year since I (22F) lost my boyfriend (20M). We were together for 6 years. He was my first real love, my best friend, the person I pictured my future with. When he died, it felt like the world stopped I cried myself to sleep for months on end and id talk to him like he could hear me, beg the universe to give me one more day with him. Grief eventually became apart of me. Then a few weeks ago, everything shattered once again but in a completely different way.
Out of nowhere, a girl I didn’t even know reached out to me and said she had something to tell me about my late boyfriend, something important and she wanted to meet up and I agreed to because I thought maybe it was maybe something meaningful or comforting. Instead, she pulled out photos and proof… and told me that he got her pregnant before he died. Their child is here now. Alive and the spitting image of my ex. She asked me if I wanted to meet said baby.
That’s when I lost it. I completely flipped tf out.
All I could see was red. I’ve been grieving this man, crying over his memory, romanticizing our years together all while he had been cheating on me behind my back. He died before I could ever know, before he could ever take responsibility and now this woman was looking me in the eyes and asking if I wanted to meet the child he had with her?! I couldn’t believe it tbh. I told her off, probably more harsh than I should’ve, but I couldn’t help it. It felt like everything I thought I knew was a lie. I don’t even know what emotion hit me harder anger, sadness, betrayal, or just pure disbelief.
I’ve spent a year mourning the man I thought I knew. Now I’m mourning the truth I never got the chance to confront him about. I don’t even know how to begin healing from this. There’s no closure. No explanation. Just pain layered on top of pain.
Everyone keeps saying, “He’s gone, there’s nothing you can do” but that doesn’t erase the hurt. It doesn’t erase the fact that the man I loved so deeply hurt me in a way I never saw coming and I’ll never get to ask him why.
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Wow i was not expecting that . I’m really sorry that happened and you’re going through it .
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry, I can’t even imagine. This internet stranger sends you many hugs. Have you considered therapy?
Get some counseling to process your grief appropriately. And don’t hold the child he made accountable for his behavior. Instead realize that this would have come to light at some point and you probably dodge years of his being dishonest. What I want you to focus on is how you are and what you think your worth is. He doesn’t deserve your attention anymore. And believe it or not you can train yourself to move forward and stop living in the past.
What a dick. I am so sorry he did this to you. That’s awful, I would have flipped my shit too. I don’t know what to say.
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are right, nothing can erase the pain. But there are things you can do to process this, when the time is right for you. For now, you are allowed to grieve, be upset, angry, and heartbroken. It is all valid. Your feelings are valid.
As for telling the girl off, what she told you was a lot to begin with, so I can understand why you snapped. I hope she understands and has compassion for you. There is only so much a person can take on in one go without breaking.
Do you have a good support network?
~ Eclipse
That’s awful. I’m so sorry. And the other woman was more than insensitive- asking if you wanted to meet the baby when you only just found out? wtf?
And yeah I’d get some counselling, cos it’s a lot to work through on your own.
I’m sorry for your loss, and that he was a cheater and broke your trust.
Holy smokes I am so so sorry. That’s a depth very few have felt before.
I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry, man. Are you still in contact with your late boyfriend’s parents? Do you think they’ll have an idea of what to do?
Did she know he was in a relationship?
Holy shit, OP, I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to imagine how you’re feeling. I don’t even know what to say that would be helpful, I’m sure you already know that the only thing you can really do is give it time and be kind to yourself of course. I’m so sorry.
I’d say you should tell his parents or siblings. See if they can get a DNA test done on this kid to make sure it is actually related to them before you completely go off the deep end. Also, if he has any brothers, make sure the kid isn’t one of theirs. Cause their kids can look like him too. Also, how do we know he didn’t just donate to the woman for the kid? If she was a good friend, he might have trusted her enough to donate. Still shitty of him to not mention it in that case, but he might have been waiting until there was an actual baby before mentioning anything. If he died before they found out…
So, his family knew she existed and didn’t tell you?
Two opposing things can be true at once.
This new flavor a grief will take time, but you have a choice here: move on or stay stuck. You will never get answers. But you do not need them in order to move on.
He wasn’t who you thought he was. Go find the person that is. Or be that person for yourself.
It doesn’t have to destroy you forever. Post-traumstic growth is a thing.
book therapy like now. you need to address this while it’s fresh or it will having lasting negative effects on how you handle human relationships.
Why are there so many k-drama plot creative writing exercises on this sub
Fuuuuuuuuuck. I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
Honestly. VERY HARSH take on it. But I feel like in a lot of cases people get rose colored glasses for a partner that passes. Situations just like this. They didn’t have to be a good partner, but they didn’t suck at the time they died and survivors guilt makes us put them on a higher pedestal then they really deserved.
I’m sorry for your loss (and the turmoil the knowledge has caused) grief is a HELL of a ride. Give yourself the time to process, probably get a PTSD therapist. Because honestly…. Finding this out has probably completely changed how you view at least a portion of the world around.
I knew what was up, the moment I read the title
We all go through different stages of love and your in the middle of a nasty one. Get yourself therapy for sure. Let yourself heal. That is obviously a major gut punch.
OP, it’s good you’re feeling this anger. Grief has so many levels, the loss of a loved one, and now you’re mourning the loss of who you thought he was, the person you felt and was with him, and the loss of years of trust with the betrayal. Even worse, you will grieve your ability to trust again.
Let me tell you: grief goes on. You will feel what you will feel, some days it will feel like you’ve moved forward then others like you’re back to where you started.
This entire situation is unfair. It will never be made fair. None of this is your fault.
Reclaim your time.
Focus on yourself and the life you want to make. The grief and anger will be there but eventually it will slowly dissipate, and you’ll see whatever gift these circumstances have for you.
That you didn’t spend more time with him.
That it happened when you’re young enough to look forward to a better life.
That now, you’ve had one of the most painful lessons we all learn, but that you can come back from this. It will teach you how to protect yourself and your time in future.
this is incredibly unfortunate but the only thing I can say is that you dodged a fucking missile
there’s no telling how deep things would’ve gotten had he not passed away
would he have continued the relationship? would he have had children with you?
the person you thought you knew never existed because you were with someone immature and not ready to deal with the world
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I’m sure that other girl had the best of intentions but WOW… going to your (deceased) BD’s girlfriend and giving her the double whammy of not only did he cheat on her, but he got said girl pregnant too.
Ik there’s no easy way of delivering that but WOW that takes balls..
(Edit: this isn’t to defend the other woman either, but it’s hard to say whether she knew she was getting with a cheater or what.)
From the title I thought you were going to say he left you with an STD. In finding out what you did I’d still be inclined to go and get tested.
Akala ko naman nagiwan ng estate or something, yun pala sakit ng ulo.
I am so unbelievably sorry. And I can tell you from experience that it gets better…or at least it can.
I found out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me for the majority of our 11 year relationship right after coming home from the hospital. Counseling helped me a great deal once I found the right person. That and time. The biggest quote I use from her is that two things can be true at once, and that was often used to reconcile my feelings of anger with my feelings of grief. The bad that they did doesn’t erase the good that we experienced, but it does make it complicated. For months the two feelings consumed me, and as soon as I’d feel one side then I’d feel the other. It was emotionally exhausting. But some switch did flip. I still wish I could have that fight with him and hear him try to explain himself but I can’t and it wouldn’t change a thing. No level of closure makes it okay, and we need the peace to come from within.
You’re not wrong for wanting nothing to do with this child. It does make sense that his family would, but it’s a different level of pain for you and it’s not the same. Know that everything you feel is valid, and don’t rush or diminish your feelings. Unfortunately we need to face our emotions to process them and that’ll be so much better for you in the long run. Please keep taking care of yourself. Proud of you for staying standing and moving forward.
Well… I thought he had left behind a sizable inheritance to you or something 😭
As awful as it was finding that out, at least you won’t be stuck idealizing the relationship or comparing him to every man you date, thinking you lost the best guy you could ever have. Maybe that’s a poor comfort right now, but don’t let what happen shape your future. The grief will eventually get easier and you will start dating again. Yes, he betrayed you and you won’t ever be able to confront him, but you don’t need to. He’s in your past. Look to the future.
Hey girl, you’ve hurt yourself and wasted your time and energy for months mourning a memory, got confronted with the fact that it wasn’t as you thought, and now you’re just repeating the same thing again.
What about instead we try and understand – you’re wasting your time and energy AGAIN.
He wasn’t a saint, he wasn’t a villain, and he wasn’t the end all be all.
Yes you got tricked – are you going to let him trick of MORE of your time now? Are you going to keep thinking about him and what went wrong?
Your future partner and your future self will cry this badly if you let it happen.
I know this is harsh, but now you can move on. He didn’t deserve you
well damn
I’m real curious as to why she thought that’d be a good idea. I mean did she think you’d take that news well? But. I can see a silver lining to it for you possibly. You might’ve spent your whole life missing him and not exactly getting over him. I think his memory might be easier to move on from now. Or every time you remember happy memories with him they’ll be tainted knowing he was boning some other girl the whole time.
Grief therapy would be very helpful to help process this.
Stop letting a man who betrayed you to control your future. It doesn’t matter if you loved him. You’ve spent the last year mourning the man you thought you knew. He does not need another tear shed by you.
You need to keep your head up, let the anger and betrayal fuel you to move forward, achieve your goals, and be the best version of yourself.
Do it out of spite if you need to until you’ve made peace with it. You have your own journey, and this was just a small part of it.
Learn, grow, heal, and move forward.
You’ve got this.
I mean, this is no less a betrayal because he’s dead, and one that you have no chance to resolve with him. Seems to me like your feelings are quite valid.
Same thing happened to me five years ago. PoS boyfriend spent the night in my bed and then took himself off to hang himself in a field down the road. Felt like all the stars went out of my sky.
Not. An. Hour. Later. Stories. Story after story after story after story. Turns out he had a baby in another country that had been born 12 days before (thats just one truth that transpired after the fact). Honestly tore all my sadness and grief away from me. I spoke to the girl. We’re really good friends to this day. The daughter also looks JUST like him.
I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this is a gift, genuinely. Make room for your anger – your anger is the part of you that knows you’ve been wrong and loves you. It’ll serve you better than grief. Don’t feel bad for your reaction to the baby – there is NO right or wrong way to react and truthfully, that woman should have known better. Begin therapy to sort through all the emotions if its available to you, you absolutely can and will get through this. I genuinely don’t know how i would have coped with his death had i believed he was the person i thought he was, but finding out all the awful, horrible things he did? Letting go of the idea of him was a very sweet relief. I hope it brings you some of the same too.
Good luck darling ❤️
Losing someone is really hard and for him to do what he did was fucked up you deserve better let the situation level out in your head feel what you need to feel grieve as long as you need that’s part of the healing process I hope you find peace after this it was a lot put on you at once but don’t let this define you keep your head up and breathe and don’t forget to eat something
Wait, did you post about your feelings last week? I’m so sorry. You just can’t get a break. 🙁
I’m sorry for your loss, but there is no reason other that pure cruilty that she decided to tell you. You could have lived your whole life not knowing that betrayal. Whether she knew he was with you or not, why would she think you’d want to meet the product of his affair? I’m so sorry OP but I’d stay well away from such a cruel person. (hugs)
Are you in contact with his family? Are they supportive of you? Do they know about her and what she’s done to you?
I am so sorry what happend to you …
please move forward and delete all his pictures , memories.
thats the only thing you can do..
Sharing somethingmy best friend been through 20 years ago
She got attached to this not so attractive guy from some onljne platform, they agreed to meet ( no FB those days , just text messages and email) when they met .. she backed off
but he cried and puller her … She got so much attached snd he was rude to her after that..
they both marrried to diiferent people and even after marriage he would text her etc
after marriage both were jn different countries.
they would communicate on yahoo messanger
that went on 2 years and she told me once day
and i wasnt impressed… out of anger i said who not he is doing to other girls..
my friend took so seriously and just to show me his love is real she looged in to his yahoo ( just guessed a passoword and it turn out to the right password)
she logged jn and got shocj of her life
he was chatting ( all sexual talks ) to 21 different girls from different countries
each girls name was saved with country name next to it..
she was so furious…took lot of screenshot ,changed his password for yahoo and block him
She thanked me for that challange , she wasted many years of life after him..
since that day she never spoke to him again
Cognitive Behavioral therapy would be great for this. It’s a therapy literally meant to teach you how to mentally change and understand your brain and how it processes traumatic and unwelcoming situations. Especially the fact that you have no closure in this it is extremely important to learn techniques to deal with that fact so this isn’t something that changes you negatively for the rest of your life. I am so so sorry about this, this really sucks and what I will say is let yourself feel all of the emotions because even though it hurts feeling those emotions will help you heal. You will be in my thoughts and I truly hope things get better for you
Coincidentally this is exactly like the book I just finished reading “My one true north,by Milly Johnson’ Sorry to hear this
Write out to him all that you wouid say if he was here. Read it aloud and then burn it. Letting the fire and atmosphere absorb and that pain and grief. Go out and rebuild your life anew. If you have a great job then find a new hobby a new spark. Look forward to a new and exciting future. I am sorry. He wasn’t who you thought he was but at least this woman, no matter how clumsy, freed your spirit to live for yourself.
Hey OP, a little late to the party but just wanted to say you should google something called “Disenfranchised Grief”. It might help put into words some of the thoughts you’re feeling.
Basically it’s the term for those types of grief that don’t fall into our societal norms. A good example would be when a pet dies. That can be an incredibly traumatic experience for a person, but we generally lack the ceremonies and societal space to allow people to process that grief. So the grieving are left dealing with an enormous loss but they never really feel ‘seen’ by the people around them.
Anyway, I’m very sorry to hear about your situation and your loss…
I have no advice.
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling. Sending you hugs!
I am so sorry it’s like you have to freshly mourn him and the relationship all at once. Hang in there.
Go to his grave and let it all out.
Girl at least he’s dead. One less problem in your life.
(DON’T judge me for saying this, many people are probably thinking it too)