No, I’m not saying we should let people walk all over us, either. Obviously we shouldn’t do that. But that doesn’t mean that we should be doing something to the effect of keeping some type of mental log of all the times someone has wronged us.
Existence is complicated. Some of my closest friends are people that I once felt sleighted by, and they either apologized for it or let me know that they were just in a bad spot when it happened, and they’ve shown since that they clearly aren’t like that all the time. Those that haven’t done that, we just never became friends, and I forgot about the original sleight in the first place.
I heard this awful opinion one time that went something to the effect of “if I let my friends treat me like that, then I’d let my enemies treat me even worse.” That’s dumb. Don’t “let” anyone treat you any particular way. Just accept that life is complex.
And if the sleights happen after becoming friends, then just talk to your friend as they happen. Don’t keep a record over time. If they hurt you or say something surprising, bring it up at or around the time when it happens. Don’t just say nothing, deduct points, and then one day say you can’t be friends anymore because of a whole record of sleights that you kept and said nothing about. If you do that, you might think that it’s your friend that’s being the bad friend because of all the sleights, but it’s actually you that’s the bad friend for never bringing it up. What’s a sleight to one person can be just normal existence to someone else, and good friends will adapt, but they can’t if they don’t know they were doing anything wrong in the first place.
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Keeping score obsessively is “bad.” Having a general sense of relational equity is biologically ingrained and sensible. Just don’t let your inner scorekeeper turn into a bitter old accountant.
tldr: assholes will otherwise get through without notice. naaaah hell naw
Nah I’m petty 🤷🏾♀️
One significant change I’ve made now that I’m older is focusing on real friendships and letting the others drift away. If I notice the relationship is one-sided and I’m always the one to initiate, that’s my sign the person doesn’t value what we have. So, I shift my time and energy to those who reciprocate.
However, my decision is never done in spite and I don’t take it personal. In virtually all cases, once I stop trying nature takes its course.
People come and go from our lives, and I think social media has skewed our perspective regarding healthy relationship dynamics.
Edit: for significant friendships, I’ll address my concerns in a diplomatic, non-confrontational manner. If they acknowledge how lopsided things are and make a concerted effort, great. If they don’t, that pretty much ends it.
I have no interest in “chasing” anyone, as it can impact my self-worth
100% agreed. Have been on the receiving end of someone keeping a log of all the ways I slighted him, some stuff years back which I had to keep apologising for even though I no longer said/did those things. I was always of the opinion that people can better themselves, and if you tell them something has hurt you, that they have a chance to make amends or rectify themselves. I overlooked a lot, and understood that sometimes we say things we don’t mean when we’re upset. Unfortunately i was never given the same grace, only reminded of everything I did wrong. Some people remain stuck in the past and it can destroy relationships.
I don’t think this is an unpopular opinion- seems like common sense to me. Correct me if I’m wrong!
Healthy view.
Just correct people on the spot. You dont let anybody do anything, then there’s no score to keep.
Yeah, I spent a lifetime not keeping score. Then after years of being there for people they ditch me when I need help or they don’t need me any more.
I knew deep down I was being used, but mental illness is a bitch.
I don’t have to keep score these days because my trust is completely used up. I’ll just be alone until I die, thanks.
I don’t think keeping a tally of every thing you’ve done for someone is healthy either but I will say it begins to make sense when you’ve noticed there’s a disproportionate amount of things you’ve done for them vs things they’ve done for you. I had friends who I helped move stuff they’ve needed moved and offered to help them when they were moving houses. When it was time for me to move; it was radio silence. Then I noticed I hosted all of our hangouts and sleepovers and they’d leave my house a mess every time even though I’d tell them to pick up after themselves. Should you be racking up the score against them everytime? No. But I feel when it comes to important stuff it’s somewhat necessary to ask yourself “what has this person ever done for me?” if they chose to not help you
Ehhh fuck that I’m keeping score
We should definitely be keeping score, that’s how you make sure people aren’t walking all over us. But you need to be prepapred that some people won’t put in as much effort in as you will, just the same as you might not put in the effort others will.
How much of a disparity you’re willing to accept and recognising when you’re being used is the key.
This feels like the best approach to life. Why carry all that weight? People make mistakes. Move on.
I’m no expert, but I get the sense that the people who keep score are slightly narcissistic. No one cares but you. Get over yourself.
I used to keep scores but now I doubt who has the time to do tht… I believe in forgive and forget but I maintain my distance.. Can’t let people get to you afterall
I keep score with my coworkers and I keep a shit list of people I won’t deal with anymore.
I agree. I don’t keep score of how I’m treated. I feel like it makes me a more forgiving and accepting person. Only downside I can see is I’ve been told I don’t notice when people are using me until it’s gone on for a while, which is fine to me. From my experience, if someone is being that bad of a friend they eventually will show their true colors in a single act.
I feel like it’s easier with friends but what about when it’s family? I’ve felt slighted by in laws multiple times but saying something just isn’t worth it when you know it breaks down to a difference of values and priorities. Family is still family, I’ll just never feel close with them and I always have that “score” in my head of rude things they’ve done or said.
💯 I can’t be bothered to hold onto all that energy. I got my own shit to deal with.
To an extent…… I’m not gonna let you keep mistreating me
I don’t need to keep score because I cut people like that out of my life. When people show you who they are, believe them.
>they either apologized for it or let me know that they were just in a bad spot when it happened
people that do bullshit rarely do that, that’s another point in that infamous list
>you might think that it’s your friend that’s being the bad friend because of all the sleights, but it’s actually you that’s the bad friend for never bringing it up.
this is victim blaming
no, sorry, i can tolerate sporadic drops of taste but if it’s an habit and they seem to not give a fuck it’s a bye bye
Yeah it’s not good to be obsessively toxic and bitter with friends or coworkers. However you should absolutely keep a documented ‘score’ with your employer, to protect yourself and keep them accountable if you ever need to.
If only normal communication was easy for everyone. My whole family is about never talking things through, but slapping you in the face with things you did or didn’t do weeks/months/years ago, at the most random moments. It’s just a waiting game for a slap in the face. Someone is triggered by something, and all kinds of shit is thrown around suddenly. Growing up I was the only kid in the family, pretty much every holiday/birthday I was sitting somewhere with my dog while the adults were fighting.
As I got older I tried to communicate, but it just wasn’t an option. I quit contact with most of them because of this. My aunt is the last one, but she is running out of chances too. If she does something like this to me, I tell her right away, every time. She apologises, and we move on. But it just happens again and again.
So I do keep score somewhat, with every slap in the face I start to care less about the relationship. Just letting it go becomes harder every time, so at some point it comes to an end.
Spoken like a true bully. Just let everyone treat you bad and forget about it.