I was sitting on a terrace at a bar drinking beers with my father and some of my friends. The table right next to us was occupied by a man and a woman of approximately 60ish years old. Once the bartender came up with their drinks the guy started grinning and said “Hehe will you tag along to the solicitor…? Then we’ll force Jan off-side, Cheers.”. Probably referring to change the will of one of them for a soon to be expected inheritance.
I nearly spat my drink out. Such a nonchalant way to announce you’ll be partaking in some dubious family double-crossing scheme.
This happened maybe a year ago and me and my buddy still quote that man regularly.
Someone laughing at me and treating me like an imbecile because I told them cheese was in cheesecake. They really laid into me about how stupid I was. I explained to them that mascarpone is in cheesecakes, and mascarpone is a cheese. They weren’t having any of it. Random, and very dumb.
Had a boss in rural New England call Duct Tape Hippie Chrome. Same guy called OSB board Beaver Puke. Anytime I’m dealing with either material I have to talk about it.
My father-in law telling us that powerball is the best way to invest money without a shred of iorny. After he said that- I decided never to take his advice.
“George Washington didn’t own slaves” I then proceeded to go to a American history .gov sight, and show him that he did infact own slaves, after which the words that came from his mouth was “well he probably treated them pretty good”
“He’s very trustworthy.” has turned into a joke phrase between my coworker bestie and me. He buys and resells electronics… one day we talked and he pulled out his tablet to have a look at what a potential buyer answered and burst into laughter.
She had been hesitant about almost everything and suddenly asked “But can I trust you?” via text. Umm yeah. Great way of debating wether someone is trustworthy or not. They’ll definitely answer “Nah, was trying to screw you over, but you caught me. Well, shit!”
Now whenever anyone questions anything he does I just go “Nah it’s fine, he’s very trustworthy!” 😂 He does the same when I don’t believe him. It somehow stuck with us.
this was right after university. Me and my buddies were shrooming for the first time. Had a babysitter. Dumbass chose to smoke weed. Other dumbass who was on shrooms made us leave the house before we came up. We come up on the way to the beach and all of us are freaking out, and our babysitter isn’t babysitting cuz he’s high as fuck. We by some miracle manage to reach the beach and we sit down. Some environmental studies kid comes up to us and says “hey this is the breeding grounds for the Snowy Plover, we would appreciate if you would walk rather than sit because it makes the birds nervous”.
We’re already freaking out thinking we got caught or something. Our brilliant high af babysitter leads us over this fence behind us that says “do not enter”.
We have no clue so we follow him, this poor volunteer sprints back screaming at us like NO! THAT’S THE ONE PLACE YOU CAN’T STEP INTO!
Babysitter goes “oh, I thought this way was the do not enter”.
“What’s the difference between Washington and Washington DC.” (If you’re not American, one is a state on the West Coast and one is a city – the US Capitol – on the East Coast.) This was an American college student who asked me.
Person on a certain furry art site posted leftist furry artwork. It was heavily downvoted. Some imbecile straight up says something along the lines of “Why does Antifa even exist anymore? They defeated the fascists in WW2”. It was one of the top comments. Regardless of your political stance, that comment is incredibly ignorant
Ignorant friend said “it’s a doggy-dog world” instead of “it’s a dog eat dog world” and I, being a bit anal, corrected her. I’ve thought about it frequently for the past 15 YEARS–she wasn’t wrong–it’s correct either way. I feel bad for correcting her.
When I was a teenager, way back in the late 80s. We lived in a small town. There was this group of people that were always hitching from town to the next chasing their next high or a party. Among this group was one guy rumored to have ruined his cognitive function with drugs. My only interaction with him ever was when he walked up to me, crossing through people’s yards and this is what he said to me with the enthusiasm of a religious zealot.
“Princess man, Princess. Thems some bad dogs. Think about it. They go together.”
I still have no freaking clue. So if you have any insight, I welcome it.
chatting with a bunch of young guys from a strict religious community and when one couldn’t quite follow how the conversation had turned toward sex, simply said “ah, French class”
I once had a women argue with me that the earth is flat and that I was wrong. I’m an airline pilot and this was after I stepped off the plane in full uniform.
I told her we can see the curvature of the earth from the flight deck if we are high enough, she wasn’t having any of it.
When I was really young I overheard my mom joking with one of her friends that boys run with their hands closed into a fist, but girls run with their hands open “because their nails are still drying.” As stupid as that is, I still make sure to close my hands into fists while I run 😔
I was in a national park photographing the moon. A ranger pulled up to ask what we were doing. I said photographing the moon. He replied with “isn’t that going to be a little hard?” I replied “what?” He said “it’s a big ball of fire, man” then shook his head and drove off.
Whahy doo yoo speak laark a Spanish perrson and not laark us?
I’m Australian and I was visiting a friend in Mississippi. His 7 yr old sister asked “why do you speak like a Spanish person, and not like us?” with the cutest southern drawl. I don’t think she had ever heard any accent besides her own southern drawl or a Mexican accent
We were on a field trip to one of those science museums, in their theater watching a short docu about the human body and skeleton. A doctor there described the phenomenon of humans walking as “calculated falling,” because of all the physical and anatomical reasons walking shouldn’t be possible for us. So our brain gets real good at “guessing” and over time it becomes fluid.
I’m an ultra runner now and still think about this at least once per run.
I was waking with a friend into a Best Buy as a young couple was leaving, and we heard them bickering. One said to the other, “Quit yelling at me and making it look like I’m yelling at you.”
And since that day, that’s the phrase we use to end every disagreement we have.
I was outside at night with my college roommate and I commented that the stars were pretty. She said “those aren’t stars, they’re airplanes.” Me: “Why on earth would you think that?” Her: “One night I stayed up for hours looking at the sky and they all moved.”
A (female) roommate in college didn’t know what menopause was. I (also female) tried explaining it to her and apparently her understanding afterwards was that your uterus falls out.
We were having a Bible study about Genesis, the first two chapters, about the creation. The pastor drew attention to the fact that the text says that God created light on the first day, but only later were the Sun and stars created. Someone said: “So that’s why the day is bright even on days when there is no sun in the sky!”. I looked at the person with a look of astonishment and argued that on “sunless” days the sun was there, just hidden behind the clouds. The person didn’t believe me and insisted that those were days when the sun wasn’t there in the sky. I stopped arguing for the sake of my sanity.
A teacher in high school once told the class that the reason the Great Salt Lake is salty is because of “underground tunnels connecting to the ocean”. So much is wrong with that.
Another told us that nobody likes black, or maybe it was dark colored drinks. After the class erupted with stuff like, what about coffee, tea, soda, etc. He was forced to change the subject.
A couple years after 9/11 I stopped on a road trip to eat in Northern Nevada. The table next to me had two middle aged ladies discussing their next stop in Carson City. One lady was worried there could be a terrorist attack because Carson City was the capital of Nevada after all. I was shocked beyond belief….having spent significant time in Carson City, I can assure you that terrorists could murder everyone in town and 1) nobody would ever hear about it and 2) nobody would care even if they heard. That’s how insignificant Carson City is.
“If humans came from monkeys, then why do monkeys have hands for feet? I am not looking for discussion on this” -a classmate in my anthropology class in college, as his discussion prompt
A guy that used to live next door to me asked if squirrels lay eggs. And he wasn’t joking or anything, he was legitimately asking. I was shocked.
Around the save time, this guy that lives down the block asked me, “Is it true that Asian pussy goes side to side, instead of up and down?”, after he saw this girl that I was seeing at the time, who happened to be Asian, leaving my house. I also thought he was fucking around at first, but realized he was being just as serious as the squirrel -egg guy next door. Lots of dumb people out there. It’s fucking crazy to think about it, but there it is.
At a party when I was 24 years old. standing with a few friends on a balcony, I point at Jupiter, super visible in the sky.
A girl stares at the sky for a moment then blurts out: “I wonder what stars are…” She was completely serious. We all looked at her and I explained, gently but a bit dumbfounded, that stars are like the sun but very far away.
Girl remains silent for a moment then says: “I think stars are the spirits of dead people.”
My manager at a grocery store to 16yo me, “You just need a paper towel to clean (random customer’s) blood off the floor; the AIDS virus would be dead before it hit the ground”.
Good wrinkles. Went to a military college. This one dude would intentionally leave wrinkles on his uniform so squad leaders would tear into him over that and move on and not search his room. Dumb, but smart at the same time.
If you don’t close the toilet lid when you flush you get poop particles on your tooth brush (I also had my toilet in a separate room for years) but I still always close it
My girlfriend in college (for some reason lost to time) said out loud, “that is not even uncanny.”
I’ve been saying that to myself once a week for 30 years now.
I was probably in my early teens and my Dad and I were driving through a sketchy part of town that had a main road and we saw a dude in the summer time that had bells on his shoes and was in spandex and a mullet and my dad told me “every city has its areas” and when I worked away from home a lot for a while I always remembered that.
Comments
“When you think about it, seals are basically just sealions but not as arrogant”
I once heard ducks have regional accents, and now every time I see one, I’m like—yo, is that duck from New York or Texas..
“ The Clintons drink the blood of babies to stay youthful looking” it even hurt my brain people believe that
I was sitting on a terrace at a bar drinking beers with my father and some of my friends. The table right next to us was occupied by a man and a woman of approximately 60ish years old. Once the bartender came up with their drinks the guy started grinning and said “Hehe will you tag along to the solicitor…? Then we’ll force Jan off-side, Cheers.”. Probably referring to change the will of one of them for a soon to be expected inheritance.
I nearly spat my drink out. Such a nonchalant way to announce you’ll be partaking in some dubious family double-crossing scheme.
This happened maybe a year ago and me and my buddy still quote that man regularly.
Someone laughing at me and treating me like an imbecile because I told them cheese was in cheesecake. They really laid into me about how stupid I was. I explained to them that mascarpone is in cheesecakes, and mascarpone is a cheese. They weren’t having any of it. Random, and very dumb.
“I don’t like candy, but I love the idea of candy”.
Sparkling water doesn’t hydrate you AT ALL
“Taco Bell is the best Mexican food I’ve ever had.”
From a Norwegian.
This girl in my 8th grade science class asked the teacher ” isn’t the moon bigger than the sun?” with absolute zero sarcasm…
My ex brother in law insisted that Nokia was calling Ninoke. Like everyone else was completely ignorant because that is what it was called.
You can suck on the seeds of fruits and veg; your DNA will pass into the seed and produce fruit and veg with the nutrients your body needs.
Had a boss in rural New England call Duct Tape Hippie Chrome. Same guy called OSB board Beaver Puke. Anytime I’m dealing with either material I have to talk about it.
My father-in law telling us that powerball is the best way to invest money without a shred of iorny. After he said that- I decided never to take his advice.
“When you laugh, your anus opens and closes”
“Rats are just dire mice.”
“Would you rather have chocolate dipped chicken, or chicken dipped chocolate?”
“George Washington didn’t own slaves” I then proceeded to go to a American history .gov sight, and show him that he did infact own slaves, after which the words that came from his mouth was “well he probably treated them pretty good”
“He’s very trustworthy.” has turned into a joke phrase between my coworker bestie and me. He buys and resells electronics… one day we talked and he pulled out his tablet to have a look at what a potential buyer answered and burst into laughter.
She had been hesitant about almost everything and suddenly asked “But can I trust you?” via text. Umm yeah. Great way of debating wether someone is trustworthy or not. They’ll definitely answer “Nah, was trying to screw you over, but you caught me. Well, shit!”
Now whenever anyone questions anything he does I just go “Nah it’s fine, he’s very trustworthy!” 😂 He does the same when I don’t believe him. It somehow stuck with us.
this was right after university. Me and my buddies were shrooming for the first time. Had a babysitter. Dumbass chose to smoke weed. Other dumbass who was on shrooms made us leave the house before we came up. We come up on the way to the beach and all of us are freaking out, and our babysitter isn’t babysitting cuz he’s high as fuck. We by some miracle manage to reach the beach and we sit down. Some environmental studies kid comes up to us and says “hey this is the breeding grounds for the Snowy Plover, we would appreciate if you would walk rather than sit because it makes the birds nervous”.
We’re already freaking out thinking we got caught or something. Our brilliant high af babysitter leads us over this fence behind us that says “do not enter”.
We have no clue so we follow him, this poor volunteer sprints back screaming at us like NO! THAT’S THE ONE PLACE YOU CAN’T STEP INTO!
Babysitter goes “oh, I thought this way was the do not enter”.
Dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. Fuck You Justin
Wind is just air in a hurry.
“No one can stop us from enjoying this meal, so ENJOY IT! STOP CRYING!” – Mel Gibson (Signs)
I had a coworker tell me that she could only drink Dr Pepper because she was allergic to water. I disengaged.
“If the Earth was 10 feet closer to the sun, all of us would burn up.
If the Earth was 10 feet farther away from the sun, we would all freeze to death.
Isn’t God amazing?”
— “They count the mail votes first.”
— “How do they know?”
— “How do they know what?”
— “Which votes are the men’s votes and which are the women’s?”
— “Mail votes. MAIL votes! POSTAL VOTES!”
“We know that Jesus resurrected because they never found the body.”
A Russian buddy and I were high and instead of “the shits hit the fan” he said (in a very Russian accent) “the crap has hit the air conditioner”
Say it ain’t so, I will not go, turn the lights off, despacito
“What’s the difference between Washington and Washington DC.” (If you’re not American, one is a state on the West Coast and one is a city – the US Capitol – on the East Coast.) This was an American college student who asked me.
Person on a certain furry art site posted leftist furry artwork. It was heavily downvoted. Some imbecile straight up says something along the lines of “Why does Antifa even exist anymore? They defeated the fascists in WW2”. It was one of the top comments. Regardless of your political stance, that comment is incredibly ignorant
I knew this ultra-Christian guy I went to school with. He drank the Kool-Aid. Hated gays, swearing, drinking, smoking, premarital sex, everything.
Thing is, he did hard drugs all the time. He said, “that’s okay, because they bring me closer to God.”
Cauliflower is the ghost of broccoli
“you can tell it’s raining because cows lie down”.
Ignorant friend said “it’s a doggy-dog world” instead of “it’s a dog eat dog world” and I, being a bit anal, corrected her. I’ve thought about it frequently for the past 15 YEARS–she wasn’t wrong–it’s correct either way. I feel bad for correcting her.
LEROY JENKINS!!!!!!!!
“oh, I have to call my dad and see how he is. He had cancer removed yesterday but not like the bad kind.”
“Is there a good kind of cancer?”
“Well, no but it’s not the serious kind.”
“Isn’t all cancer serious?”
“Well, yes, that’s why he got it removed.”
“My mouth tastes like teeth”
Walking through my dorm in college, I heard someone say “I was going to study, then suddenly I’m in Canada and the sun is coming up.”
“What kind of fish are tater tots made out of?”
“Why are onion rings called rings? They’re circles.”
“Blood is blue in your veins until it touches oxygen” like what do you think your blood is carrying?
Flies stick to ceilings cause they ain’t got no gravity
When I was a teenager, way back in the late 80s. We lived in a small town. There was this group of people that were always hitching from town to the next chasing their next high or a party. Among this group was one guy rumored to have ruined his cognitive function with drugs. My only interaction with him ever was when he walked up to me, crossing through people’s yards and this is what he said to me with the enthusiasm of a religious zealot.
“Princess man, Princess. Thems some bad dogs. Think about it. They go together.”
I still have no freaking clue. So if you have any insight, I welcome it.
“I thought our governor was Mayor Bloomberg?”
chatting with a bunch of young guys from a strict religious community and when one couldn’t quite follow how the conversation had turned toward sex, simply said “ah, French class”
and it stuck
“And what of the Muppets?”
I once had a women argue with me that the earth is flat and that I was wrong. I’m an airline pilot and this was after I stepped off the plane in full uniform.
I told her we can see the curvature of the earth from the flight deck if we are high enough, she wasn’t having any of it.
That there’s a bone in your penis
If you see a turtle on a fence post, he didn’t get there by himself.
When I was really young I overheard my mom joking with one of her friends that boys run with their hands closed into a fist, but girls run with their hands open “because their nails are still drying.” As stupid as that is, I still make sure to close my hands into fists while I run 😔
Dolphins are fish.
No Heidi, dolphins are mammals.
Dolphins live in the water, so they’re fish.
They’re not fish just because they live in the water. What about crabs? Octopuses? They live in the water.
Oh, yeah. They must be fish too.
I was in a national park photographing the moon. A ranger pulled up to ask what we were doing. I said photographing the moon. He replied with “isn’t that going to be a little hard?” I replied “what?” He said “it’s a big ball of fire, man” then shook his head and drove off.
Someone asked why Abraham Lincoln didn’t protest Trump’s winning the election. I nearly pissed myself it was so funny.
Whahy doo yoo speak laark a Spanish perrson and not laark us?
I’m Australian and I was visiting a friend in Mississippi. His 7 yr old sister asked “why do you speak like a Spanish person, and not like us?” with the cutest southern drawl. I don’t think she had ever heard any accent besides her own southern drawl or a Mexican accent
We were on a field trip to one of those science museums, in their theater watching a short docu about the human body and skeleton. A doctor there described the phenomenon of humans walking as “calculated falling,” because of all the physical and anatomical reasons walking shouldn’t be possible for us. So our brain gets real good at “guessing” and over time it becomes fluid.
I’m an ultra runner now and still think about this at least once per run.
There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky
“if a cow drinks milk would it be cannibalism?” Overheard from a group of teenage girls on a bus
I was waking with a friend into a Best Buy as a young couple was leaving, and we heard them bickering. One said to the other, “Quit yelling at me and making it look like I’m yelling at you.”
And since that day, that’s the phrase we use to end every disagreement we have.
I was outside at night with my college roommate and I commented that the stars were pretty. She said “those aren’t stars, they’re airplanes.” Me: “Why on earth would you think that?” Her: “One night I stayed up for hours looking at the sky and they all moved.”
A (female) roommate in college didn’t know what menopause was. I (also female) tried explaining it to her and apparently her understanding afterwards was that your uterus falls out.
She was confusing it with a hysterectomy
A phone call at the library, where a guy was arguing with his gf. Sounded like he was in the doghouse trying to get out.
Him: “Baby! Of course I still love Sharknado!”
“Live and learn, die and forget it all.”
We were having a Bible study about Genesis, the first two chapters, about the creation. The pastor drew attention to the fact that the text says that God created light on the first day, but only later were the Sun and stars created. Someone said: “So that’s why the day is bright even on days when there is no sun in the sky!”. I looked at the person with a look of astonishment and argued that on “sunless” days the sun was there, just hidden behind the clouds. The person didn’t believe me and insisted that those were days when the sun wasn’t there in the sky. I stopped arguing for the sake of my sanity.
Hold on, I’m getting a memory
the sun and moon are the same thing and we are just seeing the back of it at night
“today is tomorrows yesterday” 🌅
A teacher in high school once told the class that the reason the Great Salt Lake is salty is because of “underground tunnels connecting to the ocean”. So much is wrong with that.
Another told us that nobody likes black, or maybe it was dark colored drinks. After the class erupted with stuff like, what about coffee, tea, soda, etc. He was forced to change the subject.
I often think I didn’t go to a very good school.
“That’s an old wise tale”
“When I went to the doctor last time he said I had acute bronchitis but it’s probably full grown by now” — my ex’s stepmom was special 😂
Overheard a a man telling his child that you have to eat Doritos during the Super Bowl because that’s the rule?
With great sterness, a customer once informed me, “I cannot sign a quote. I can only approve it orally or verbally.”
That every time the space shuttle went into space it punched a hole in our ozone
A couple years after 9/11 I stopped on a road trip to eat in Northern Nevada. The table next to me had two middle aged ladies discussing their next stop in Carson City. One lady was worried there could be a terrorist attack because Carson City was the capital of Nevada after all. I was shocked beyond belief….having spent significant time in Carson City, I can assure you that terrorists could murder everyone in town and 1) nobody would ever hear about it and 2) nobody would care even if they heard. That’s how insignificant Carson City is.
“If it hadn’t been for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.”
“If humans came from monkeys, then why do monkeys have hands for feet? I am not looking for discussion on this” -a classmate in my anthropology class in college, as his discussion prompt
A guy that used to live next door to me asked if squirrels lay eggs. And he wasn’t joking or anything, he was legitimately asking. I was shocked.
Around the save time, this guy that lives down the block asked me, “Is it true that Asian pussy goes side to side, instead of up and down?”, after he saw this girl that I was seeing at the time, who happened to be Asian, leaving my house. I also thought he was fucking around at first, but realized he was being just as serious as the squirrel -egg guy next door. Lots of dumb people out there. It’s fucking crazy to think about it, but there it is.
Ivermectin will cure COVID
A coworker points up at the sky where the Goodyear Blimp is cruising by and exclaims: “Oh my God, a flying boat!”
She was honestly super sweet and kind but oh boy that one killed me.
At a party when I was 24 years old. standing with a few friends on a balcony, I point at Jupiter, super visible in the sky.
A girl stares at the sky for a moment then blurts out: “I wonder what stars are…” She was completely serious. We all looked at her and I explained, gently but a bit dumbfounded, that stars are like the sun but very far away.
Girl remains silent for a moment then says: “I think stars are the spirits of dead people.”
New Orleans can’t be below sea level because it’s not under water.
My manager at a grocery store to 16yo me, “You just need a paper towel to clean (random customer’s) blood off the floor; the AIDS virus would be dead before it hit the ground”.
Yeah, thanks, but no.
Good wrinkles. Went to a military college. This one dude would intentionally leave wrinkles on his uniform so squad leaders would tear into him over that and move on and not search his room. Dumb, but smart at the same time.
I once overheard someone say, “I want you to grab life by the ass, and spank the shit out of it.” Should be a motivational poster.
“That guy is an asshole waiting to happen!”
It’s been over 30 years since I overheard that line from a random conversation beside me, and I still use it every chance I get.
What does history have to do with today
Heard on the London underground. Speaker was an American tourist talking about a bar of chocolate.
“No I don’t want to bite of that. It’s from France, and you know they put snails in everything.”
If you don’t close the toilet lid when you flush you get poop particles on your tooth brush (I also had my toilet in a separate room for years) but I still always close it
My girlfriend in college (for some reason lost to time) said out loud, “that is not even uncanny.”
I’ve been saying that to myself once a week for 30 years now.
I was probably in my early teens and my Dad and I were driving through a sketchy part of town that had a main road and we saw a dude in the summer time that had bells on his shoes and was in spandex and a mullet and my dad told me “every city has its areas” and when I worked away from home a lot for a while I always remembered that.
Me: I only shower on days that end in -y. But not tomorrow because that ends in a -w.
Girl: Saturdaw?
They’re eating the cats, they’re eating the dogs …
>
What’s the dumbest, most random thing you heard once
Everything Donald Trump says
> that somehow stuck with you forever?
But because he says them so often we forget the last dumbest thing we’ve ever heard when hearing the newest dumbest thing we’ve ever heard.
“So I’m thinking about getting back into brushing my teeth.” said to me by a coworker.
“Elevators elevate, escalators escalate.”
“I’m really into Mardi Gras and New Orleans. I’d love to go down and visit during Mardi Gras. I think it’s on a Wednesday this year!”
That was said to me over a decade ago by an acquaintance and every year I ask my husband if he thinks Mardi Gras is on a Wednesday this year.
“I thought only white people got allergies”
If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college