There’s this constant pressure to follow the script: Love by 30. Career success. Perfect family. Big house. Always on.
But I wanna hear from the ones who took a different road — ignored an expectation and still landed on their feet.
What was it? How’s life without it?
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Have kids. I’m very much enjoying that decision right now but the jury’s out as to how I’ll feel about it on my deathbed.
Funny, my mom and I discussed this yesterday.
I’m an only child and an only grandchild on my maternal side. There was immense pressure on me to have children to continue my family’s “legacy”. And from a young age, I have really never had maternal instincts. Babies make me uncomfortable. The thought of feeding one or changing a diaper makes me incredibly anxious. The thought of having a living thing inside of me actually makes me feel physically ill.
I was told constantly throughout my life that I would “change my mind”. I’m 37, and I still hear “you might change your mind” (wtf?). But that’s not happening.
I make six figures and have a lot of upward mobility in my career. I am single. I do what I want when I want and don’t have to worry about anyone else. I have disposable income that I spend on fairly pricey hobbies and traveling. I have a very solid group of friends and never feel “alone”. I am, on the whole, happier and much more free than my friends who are married with children.
Of course, I don’t think my friends with children would “trade” their children to have what I have (except for one, who I know absolutely would). But I do hear a lot about how I have time and money and freedom to invest in myself that they do not have.
I guess being single at 37 is another “didn’t follow the script” thing, but it feels less permanent than my choice to not have children. If I do decide I want to add a partner to my life, I can do so at any time. I simply don’t want to at this moment, because my life is satisfying and full in many other ways.
I haven’t had kids (life circumstances rather than a decision) and I’m currently much happier than my friends who do have them, but a bit sad about the distance it’s created in friendships with those who do have kids (not relating to each other as well anymore).
Buy a house. Seriously, in this economy????
I understand the concept of equity, but I also don’t spend all of my free time fixing my house or spend all of my money paying someone to fix my house. I live in a beautiful neighborhood I could never afford to buy in, pay super reasonable rent and have an amazing landlord. I love my apartment and can’t imagine taking on more debt to do something I don’t really want to do.
Obviously these answers are going to be highly subjective. My life path is different from the average person, and there aren’t many who can truly relate. My script so to speak, was very different.
I was raised in a high control sect for most of my life, I was specifically told to ALWAYS put the group first at all costs. There were numerous examples of people who were excommunicated from the church (as well as from their own families) who ended up taking their own lives or being admitted mental hospitals due to the emotional toll. They were used during sermons of examples why “thinking of only yourself” could result in eternal damnation or getting cancer, or being hit by a bus or something.
By 26 I was losing my mind, there was no future in the group and I needed to leave. I felt like a selfish person for putting my own needs first instead of the religious group. I was told that since I was born into the group, it was where god wanted me to be. That’s where I belonged. Don’t fight it. Women should want motherhood, and should want to be looked after and stay home and keep a clean house.
I left, thankfully with a plan in place to seek treatment with a cult specialized psychologist. I had many months where I’d be walking outside and it would start to thunderstorm and I’d think “gods going to strike me dead” or i’d be driving home and think “i’ve been so evil that someone is definitely going to blow a red light and i’m going to die as punishment for my sins”
5 years later I don’t know that girl anymore. I don’t go to church, i’m getting married at 34, thinking about having kids, I bought a home last year. To the average person i’m ‘following societal norms; but I didn’t do any of those things because someone told me I should. The story to why I arrived there has little to do with greater society and more to do with the influences no one else can see. The freedom to marry/be with whoever I wanted was liberating. The freedom to consider having my first child in my thirties, or not at all, was liberating. The freedom to have (or not have) a traditional wedding celebration was liberating.
Most people would never have to contend with such ridiculous expectations but as it pertains to MY childhood community… i went against every expectation they had of me, to be the meek and pious, childbearing housewife… and came out a much happier, self assured, contented individual.
Failed at: Being hetero. Marriage. Kids. Homeownership. Finishing college. Any kind of career at all. Basically didn’t follow the script in most of the big ways.
To be fair I had some intense hardship (drugs, homeless, abuse, etc) and undiagnosed issues that got in the way of a lot of things. I’m sober now, housed again, but i’ll never have those milestones and it’s hard to find friends when i’m this different from others my age.
Go to grad school. I work at a college so I could do it for free, and I’d probably get a better/higher paying job.
Except undergrad was the lowest point of my life, mentally. I cannot imagine putting myself through any more degrees. I even took one class a few summers ago and NEVER AGAIN.
Getting married around 30 with someone older than me and very smart. To everyone’s surprise I met my first serious boyfriend just before turning 18, and married him some years later. We are same age and he is not stupid, but I’m the more intellectual and more educated one in our relationship. Now, 20 years later, we are still happily together.
Nobody told me what to do personally but in terms of societal expectations I didn’t get married or have kids.
Have sex before marriage. Marry a man w a kid. Have my own kids.
One of my first “real jobs” was at an MD office. Spent the next several years hearing about what a great spot I was in to go to nursing school so I can settle in & have kids.
Hubby & I are happily married, no kids, and the idea of being a nurse is violently hateful to me (I hate touching people)
Other people don’t typically know anything.
Kids
I chose not have have kids and had my tubes removed at 30. I don’t think I could handle the demands of motherhood well and it would badly effect children I raise. Also I value rest and freedom. After I got them removed, I bought a second horse as my ‘new baby’s lol.
I am an entrepreneur/self employed. People definitely told me not to go that route. However my income is stable and I can work four days a week, so it’s helpful for that. Definitely pros and cons as I have no pension/don’t have extended health benefits (live in Canada) but other wise everything feels more free.
I didn’t have kids. Never wanted any never will. 44 now no regrets whatsoever
I dropped out of uni, worked shitty bar/retail for years whilst trying to get my startup off the ground, failed at that startup, restructured my work experience on my cv, landed a good fully remote role in tech with the encouragement of my now husband (at the time dating for 2 months) and then leapfrogged and pivoted that job into better and better roles until I ended up running experiential events with a budget of 1M. Then i burned out and became super fucking depressed because i put so much of my self worth on my job. I’m on a career break rn whilst i figure out who i actually am vs who society wants me to be.
I also dated a lot of trash and then moved stupidly fast with my husband. We knew each other (our best mates dated in hs) he was going travelling and we both just knew. He asked me to go travelling with him on our second date, our 3rd was a 2 week trial in Italy (where i got bitten by a sand fly on the vag – it was worse than it sounds, he was incredible) when we came back i told him i loved him and he moved in with me the next day all less than a month into our relationship. We left travelling for 3 months after dating for just under 6 weeks. Engaged after just over a year, married last November. We’ve been together 5 years now and will be trying for kids next year.
Backpack across Europe. No thanks, I’ve traveled and I like it but I just prefer going on a singular trip, now throwing caution to the wind and walking around in strange countries by myself.
Get a good circle of friends
Everyone said don’t travel. You’ll never get married because you are always away. Have kids early because you “never know”.
Traveled a ton before marriage. Lived overseas. Married at 28. Travelled more together. Moved cross country twice. Separated and divorced at 32 with no kids. Met my current partner at 33. Travelled together. Moved cross country again. Currently living with my partner and our 1.5 kids and a dog. First kid at 36, second will be at 38. Still do a yearly girls trip, just returned while six months pregnant. Took our little guy to Amsterdam last year. Point is… Live your life and enjoy your blessings.